How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Relationship

October 2, 2015January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Self esteem is a very important component within a healthy relationship. People who have low self esteem tend to wreck their relationships.

People with low self esteem have difficulty believing that they are unconditionally loved and accepted by their partners. They tend to hold back from fully committing themselves in their relationships or from making themselves vulnerable. They tend to engage in other types of behaviors that are unhelpful for relationships (e.g. testing their partners’ love)

The result of low self-esteem tends to be the prevelance of “Lower quality relationships” because their relationships have less love and trust, and more conflict and ambivalence. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people.

People with low self-esteem come to relationships with a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions all of which lead people to lose themselves in relationships with others. This loss of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.

Personal Value

In order to have a healthy relationship, it is required that both parties feel confident about their voice and their personal value. If those components are missing it can take a tremendous toll on ones emotional well-being.

Self-esteem and self-worth

In romantic relationships people often feel most comfortable around those who have a similar level of self esteem as their own. This means subconsciously people with low self-esteem will attract others with low self-esteem.

A person with a low self-esteem often also has low self-worth. Even if they don’t verbalize it, they do not act as if they feel they are good enough to be loved. This lack of self-worth is born from lack of self love. If you don’t truly love and accept yourself, then you cannot truly accept love and acceptance from others.

This lack of self love can lead to a state of emotional impoverishment. This occurs when you are unable to create feelings of love and acceptance within yourself. Instead you look to others as a source of approval. Lack of self love causes you to see people not for who they really are, but for what they can or cannot do for you. In this state, your ability to love will remain emotionally immature and undeveloped because what you have to give in return is not love, but rather your unfulfilled needs.

Low self-esteem creates lack of connection and trust

Low self-esteem destroys relationships because this kind of insecurity creates a disconnect between yourself and your partner. An example may be “Please call me every night at 10pm because other wise, I will worry.” The subtext to this is, “I’m worried that you are going to cheat on me!”

No adult should have to hold themselves accountable to that kind of disrespect. That sort of accountability is for children, not for adults in a relationship.

A person trying to have this type of “control” in a relationship is really suffering from low self-esteem. They need to control the situation because they need to control you. Their need to control you is because they don’t trust that you love them enough to control yourself.

(Which begs the question, if the only way to keep your partner from losing control is this level of hyper-vigilance, then maybe you are in the wrong relationship.)

There comes a point within a relationship that you need to believe that you are with someone who cares about you and respects you enough to not hurt you. When you trust someone, you open yourself up to the possibility that you might get hurt.

What about people who cheat?

Most people who are unfaithful do so because of low self-esteem. Very few people do it if the relationship at home is satisfying. Cheating is a sign that something isfundamental missing within the relationship.

Value and respect

The main reason people are unfaithful is due to a lack of feeling valued and respected by their primary partner. They genuinely believe they are not valued at home. Everyone wishes to be significant and valued, especially from the most important person in their life. When they don’t feel significant, and feel as though they are taken for granted, are being used for convenience or have little value to their partner, they are likely to find someone else who will value them.

Sex and affection

Another reason people cheat is because of lack of love and affection. Love and affection is often withheld by one or both partners when there are layers of resentment beneath the surface in a relationship. Feeling neglected takes over, especially when sex is sporadic. Nothing is worse than being in a relationship and feeling lonely. If one is single, one can always go on a date etc. But if one lives with a partner, yet feels loneliness, then it feels hopeless because there really is no hope without significant change. It affects one’s self esteem, because one feels unwanted, but can not do anything about it. This makes the partners more prone to seek that love and affirmation somewhere else.

Validation and attention

A very important part of being in a relationship is the need for validation and attention. If the closest person to you does not validate you, does not confirm what you mean to them, does not reinforce who you are and wish to be (not what your partner thinks you are and wishes you to be), it can precipitate a feeling of being abandoned and uncared for. Most cheaters do not feel validated or affirmed, neither do they get much attention. They often feel neglected, especially if there is also a lack of love and affection or any real conversation either, mainly accusations and blame. Once we are not validated by those who matter, we begin to seek it elsewhere.

When any of these elements mentioned are missing, self esteem plummets and the person is likely to feel like a failure. It erodes a person and effects everything they do because they are constantly unhappy, anxious and stressed. It is difficult to feel good about one’s self when there is an overwhelming number of unmet needs missing from one’s life.

Personal confidence

The unfaithful partner feels a tremendous loss of personal confidence. It has a domino effect on everything else. Many unfaithful partners suffer in silence for a while, feeling low and hurt, until they feel compelled to do something about it in order to boost their confidence and improve their esteem.

Relationship in a rutt

There are many relationships where partners have settled into a rut, taking their spouses for granted, living in resentment and hurt, withholding affirmation and attention, value and respect. Those are the kinds of relationship that are most vulnerable to infidelity because living with someone else should enhance our happiness, not make us feel worse.

People with low self-esteem need to have “perfect” relationships and compete for control in order to make their relationship be the way they think it should be. This results in healthy relationships deteriorating. Eventually the relationship partner finds themselves in empty, hallow, phony, relationships with deep resentments and hurts. The partners have given so much to the relationship, they have nothing left of themselves to keep the relationships alive.

Here are symptoms of low self-esteem:

Not spending very much time living in the present: If you worry about the future or spend too much time reflecting on the past mistakes, the bottom line is that you are not living in the present.
Always wanting something you don’t have or something that’s out of reach: When someone has a great dissatisfaction with the trajectory of their life, or their lifestyle and it seems that what they want is always just out of reach, and that situation doesn’t ever change, self-esteem is probably the cause.
Avoiding real intimacy: People who have low self-esteem have problems opening to and connecting with others on a deep level. Some don’t even recognize that the bonds they share are shallow and superficial until they get involved with someone else, on a much deeper level. They feel that if the other person finds out who they truly are, all love will be lost. They are afraid that opening up will result in getting hurt. Some people have entire relationships built on walls and avoiding intimacy. If you are avoiding real intimacy for whatever reason, take it as a sign that you need to look at how you are feeling about yourself.
Busyness: The business of being busy, always keeping busy so you don’t have to look honestly at your underlying problems. Often times people will keep themselves busy so that they don’t have deal with feelings that they keep hidden. If you are a “do-er” and are constantly busy but not truly happy, start looking at the areas of your life that aren’t quite together. That will give you a place to start in finding out what you are trying to suppress with your “busyness.”
Acting destructively towards yourself and possibly to others such as being overly critical or self-sabotaging behaviors. People who are overly critical tend to project feelings about themselves falsely onto others. An overly critical attitude comes from their feelings of inadequacy and fear of making a mistake. Unaware that they are more critical than other people, they focus on the negative rather than the positive and give more weight to the negative in both themselves and others.
Those with low self-esteem tend to choose the wrong partners, and remain in relationships that continue to be unsatisfying despite many red flags that it is time to end it. They fear change, they fear being alone, and they fear their own ability to make sound decisions.
Motivated by fear of “doing something wrong” and receiving negative feedback, those who have low self esteem seemingly need to narrow their choices to be safe from erring. Consequently, they grab hold of the notion that there is only one right way to do things—usually the way they were taught. Once the “right” way is recognized, they feel they can then remain safe from ridicule, rejection, disapproval, or from making a mistake in judgment that might have other negative consequences. With only one “right” way every other position is then “wrong,” (black versus white). That means that in order to be right, their partner must always be wrong. Once they are convinced they are right, they become closed to considering a different viewpoints, unable to think objectively that any other way may be acceptable. They become rigid in their thinking and judgmental of others who think, feel, or act differently. They basically don’t develop the ability and freedom to look at issues and consider the varying merits before choosing a side.
Doubting their ability to make good decisions, these low self esteem sufferers are often overly submissive to—and blindly follow others without sizing up the situation on their own. Such blind allegiance without studying or assessing the situation can lead people to give control of their lives to others who don’t have their best interest at heart, whose views are questionable, or whose views are radical in one direction or another. Through recovery, people become stronger and more confident in their own ability to make decisions and develop the freedom to feel they have the right to do so.
People with low self-esteem can be very self-focused, only viewing and thinking of what goes on around them on the basis of their own needs and wants. They find it difficult to put themselves in the shoes of others or to recognize how their behavioraffects others. They are often aloof, appear to be very selfish, even narcissistic,though they are motivated out of feelings of inadequacy, selfishness and grandiosity.

To maintain healthy intimacy in your relationships, you need to establish healthy intellectual, emotional and physical boundaries with your partners.

Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken cared for and nurtured, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive. You feel part of something. You are able to forgive and be forgiven without revenge or reminders of past offenses.

You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from “analysis paralysis” where you need to analyze every detail of what goes on in it. Healthy intimate relationships support your individuality and encourage personal growth. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another.

You know you are in a healthy, intimate relationship when you have created an environment where:

I can be me.
You can be you.
We can be us.
I can grow.
You can grow.
We can grow together.

Simple!

A healthy relationship frees you to be yourself while acquiring self-knowledge is a lifelong process. Even if you do not have a strong sense of who you are, you do know when you are NOT being allowed the freedom to be yourself. You know when you are feeling judged or when you are worried about making a mistake. The freedom to be yourself means that your partner will neither interfere with nor judge your process of being and becoming.

In return, you offer your partner the same freedom that you are ask for yourself. And you accept your partner as he is. You do not get caught up in your fantasy of who you want him to be. You focus on who that person really is.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Healthy Relationship, Healthy New Year… Here is How

January 6, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

As badly as most of us want a healthy relationship, we’re simply not ready for one. I liken it to wanting to hop into a career before getting a degree.

And I am reminded of a story I read recently in the news where a woman was arrested for practicing law without her law degree. She had taken a few classes at law school, but dropped out because she couldn’t afford it anymore. Instead, she lied on her resume, got a job as a law clerk at a courthouse and then opened her own practice. Eventually, she was found and arrested. And while I’m not sure if her clients were pleased with her work her not, she was still a fraud. She operated through layers of deception and deceit and in the end, she had nothing to show for herself.

We often make this kind of misstep in our love life. We are not out of one relationship before diving into another. Or, we don’t have a decent model of a loving relationship, and so, we grab whatever comes our way.

Here are a few examples of not being “ready” for a healthy relationship and what you can do about it.

No model of a healthy relationship:

If you witnessed your parents fighting all the time, or your dad ignored your mom, or your mom was an alcoholic, these are not the best models to follow. And yet, we go out into the world and find mates based on how we learned to love as a child. As an adult, however, you can learn to follow a new healthier model. I wrote a blog about it here.

No proper grieving period:

When a relationship is over, whether you called it or not, you need to grieve. Period. You need to spend a decent amount of alone-time trying to put your life back together, figuring out who you are and finding your center. Without this period of coming to terms with the end of that relationship and self-centering, you risk choosing a new relationship based on flimsy things like loneliness, neediness and sadness. A mate is not supposed to “fill the void” in your life, he or she is supposed to compliment your own awesomeness. Not grieving is also a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of any relationship. This relates closely to the next point…

Jumping into a new relationship before the old one is officially over:

Like I said above, when you do not have a healthy amount of alone-time in between relationships, it tends to be a sign that you were not exactly in the last relationship for intimacy with the person, per se, but rather, for the intensity of the relationship. Almost anyone with chemistry can create that intensity, so replacing him or her is relatively easy. The healthier option, is to spend some serious time looking back at the person you broke up with to see where YOU might have gone wrong. What you might want in a new partner and what you might want to avoid.

Choosing the same unhealthy person over and over:

My mother used to say “God will give you the same problem until you learn to fix it.” If you’re dating the same “type” over and over (especially one who tends to hurt you, frustrate you or create suffering) you have not learned to “fix” this problem. Read more about love addiction, build your self-esteem, learn what your values are. Learn what it takes to change. These are all ways in which you can grow out of repeat patterns that hold you down.

Not being a healthy person yourself:

How do you expect to attract a healthy partner if you, yourself are manipulating, lying, cheating, acting out, abusive, angry, miserable and so on? You can’t do it. Well, you might be able to attract a healthy partner, but you will not be able to sustain a relationship with a healthy partner if you possess these qualities. Why? Because, forget what you were told about “opposites attract.” Not in this situation. In this situation, like attracts like. Water seeks its own level. You need to be the healthy person you want to connect with. And that means building self-esteem, being able to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, financially and physically, and be able to enter into a relationship as an equal partner, not someone who is looking for a fix or a hole to fill.

Expecting too much from dating:

I’ve added this in because let’s be honest, dating is something you need to learn. It’s not exactly something that we all inherently know how to do. And for love addicts, who tend to set expectations way too high when it comes to dating, a book or two on how to date, what to expect and what not to expect is helpful. You can read my “Tips on Dating for the Love Addict” as well as Judith Sills “A Fine Romance,” which will really put dating into perspective.

Bottom line: A healthy relationship is a fantasy, unless you put lots of hard work into yourself and into your “career” as a healthy person!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Sleeping in Separate Rooms. Could It Make Your Love Life Better?

January 25, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

We’ve both reached the point where neither of us feels rejected.

Why do two people who love each other — and have a normal, healthy relationship otherwise — sleep apart? There are a number of reasons, but our big theme is respect: We both respect each other and know how important sleep is to our lives. It is irrational to think that two professionals in their 40s would have identical schedules. We have reached a point that we are grateful that neither of us feels rejected if we don’t sleep together.

My partner and I had both been married prior to our relationship, and so I believe we have different expectations and less insecurities than we had or most people have in a first marriage. We are able to sleep together comfortably (and we do on vacations and weekends), but on your average weeknight, we sleep in different beds.

Now in our 40s, he and I have known each other for 30 years. Romantic notions about sleeping peacefully intertwined don’t exist, at least not for us. Instead, we’re lucky to have a nice guest/spare room with a queen-sized bed that works well for my partner. He is still always welcome in our master bedroom and bed. Before we go to sleep at night, we watch television or a movie together, and even sometimes fall asleep. But inevitably, he will be gone if I wake up during the night, and always when I get up in the morning.

I am a writer by trade, mostly freelance. I write for others while also working on my own projects. I’m what you call a “creative type.” My work, my schedule, and my brain don’t work in a 9 to 5 world. I sometimes get an idea and write late or in the middle of the night. I can imagine this would be really annoying if you needed to get up at 5 a.m. to do consulting work in DC. He works in a Brooks Brothers suit. I work in sweats — on a dressy day.

We also both have children from our first marriages. Mine are older and very independent. They both drive, work, and have traveled without me or their father. My partner has young children who need help with their homework and still have a bedtime. His youngest still gets up in the middle of the night, and our guest room is next to his room. It is very convenient for my partner to lie in bed with his son until he falls back to sleep.

The last big reason (that my kind better half would never mention) is the elephant in the room: I snore. And not a cute little snore, but a snore you would image coming out of an 80-year-old man. I have allergies, and even with a septum repair following a nose broken during a lacrosse game, I still snore. Loudly. We went on vacation to London, and I suddenly had no need for my allergy medication. The snoring stopped, and I slept better than I had in years. I value sleep enough that I would move to England now if I could.

Those who know that we sleep in different beds (our kids mostly) would originally ask if we had an argument. We assured them that this wasn’t the case, and depending on that particular day, we would tell them the truth, that one of us was up late working, and the other needed to get up early. It also allows up to spend time with our respective kids and watch a late night movie and hang out.

Years into our relationship, it is still special when we spend the night in the same bed. We don’t take for granted how nice it is to roll over, reach out, and touch your partner!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Relationship Resolutions — Why They Are So Important to Your Happiness

May 18, 2016January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

…more people regard maintaining healthy relationships as the most important factor to their wellbeing.

Whether your circle of friends grows every weekend or has shrunk down to a handful trusted confidantes, it is undeniable that we are all social creatures who seek the comfort and support of others from time to time.

But as with many aspects of life, from diet to exercise, we don’t always pay enough attention to what we know will help our wellbeing – and relationships are no different. The neglect our social lives suffer is highlighted by new research released by the Mental Health Foundation to mark Mental Health Awareness Week. It shows that more people regard maintaining healthy relationships as the most important factor to their wellbeing than those who cited healthily, exercising or avoiding negative habits including smoking combined.

Nevertheless, 46 per cent of the 2,000 adults in the UK who took part in the survey also admitted that they regret not investing more time in their relationships – a figure which hits 50 per cent among men. And despite the fact that most people claim to value their social lives above their physical health, only 11 per cent of people surveyed made it the focus of their New Year’s resolutions.

In response to the findings, the Mental Health Foundation is encouraging people to make a relationship resolution. Those who sign up on their website will receive a text on New Year’s Eve to check their progress, and prompt them to continue their efforts into 2017. “What we hear time and again from our supporters is how important friends and family are on the road to recovery from severe mental illness,” says Nia Charpentier, a spokeswoman from the charity Rethink Mental Illness.

“Having people in your life who are understanding and supportive, be they a full-time carer or just someone to share a cup of tea and a chat with, can make a big difference,” she says, adding that peer support groups are also a vital tool for many people.

As the taboos surrounding mental health have been gradually stripped away in recent years, the physical and mental impact of loneliness was thrust into the public consciousness by John Lewis‘s 2015 Man on the Moon Christmas advert, which depicted a young girl attempting to contact an elderly man enduring a solitary existence in space.

According to the Campaign to End Loneliness, social interaction can cut the risk of mortality and developing certain diseases, and help individuals to recover more quickly from illness. However, socialising can be a daunting prospect for those struggling with their mental health. But it is important that people do not become withdrawn, explains Stephen Buckley, head of information at the charity Mind.

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Decorating Tips for a Healthy Relationship and a Happy Home

November 10, 2016January 22, 2024 by Eliza Hurwitzin LOVE

Communication is key when decorating together.

I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago and it’s been great! We get along really well. He makes me laugh, he’s kind and thoughtful. He built an Ikea couch! Okay, he followed the directions, but that’s extremely complicated! He buys me chocolate when he knows I’m annoyed. He’s sweet, but his interior decorating skills, are severely lacking. It’s not just that my boyfriend is disinterested in that stuff; it’s more that, it kind of stresses him out. In the beginning I was kind of bummed that we wouldn’t be going to antique stores and tag sales together to pick up unique finds. Isn’t that what all couples do? I felt irritated annoyed at him and angry every time I was shopping alone, but also resented it when we did shop together and he seemed miserable. I felt like I was dragging him and nagging him and it wasn’t fun for either of us. But throughout the process, I learned just how to combat this issue in order to make decorating fun, stress-free, and better for both of us. Here are the most important tips I can offer.

Keeping The Lines of Communication Open

Communication is key when decorating together. One of our biggest fights was when I brought back a big, beautiful, abstract painting that I wanted to hang above the television. Just as I was about to put in my favorite one up, my boyfriend told me he didn’t like it. I felt like this was an attack against me and I was really hurt. Then I remembered all the times I turned down his decorating ideas. We both realized that we needed to take each other’s needs into consideration and decided to talk more about what we wanted the apartment to look like. In the end, I was happy he spoke up, because it opened us both up to the possibility that we could turn our apartment into both of our dream homes, without one of us feeling unheard and unexpressed stylistically.

Be Willing to Compromise

If you couldn’t guess, my boyfriend and I have very different styles. I like to fill my home with cute tchotchkes, paintings, and artwork. If it were up to me, I’d fill my home with bright colors and patterns everywhere. Whereas Mmy boyfriend, on the other hand, likes to keep things minimal. Living together, I’ve had to let go of some of my collecting tendencies, while he’s had to embrace my style quirks. Though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, it’s a necessary part of home decoration. You want your home to reflect both of your personalities and styles. Your home is a place where you both want to feel comfortable and at peace.

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The 9 Best New Year’s Resolutions for Your Relationship

January 1, 2018January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Don’t worry–I would never tell you to eat less sugar or start doing pilates for your New Year’s resolution (those sound hard), but if you set the right goals, the new year can bring amazing changes to your relationship.

1. Work on showing gratitude

Gratitude is incredibly important in any relationship. Just hearing a simple “thank you” from a friend or co-worker can brighten anyone’s day, but it’s especially great when your SO tells you how much they appreciate you.

I could be having the worst day ever, but when my fiancé tells me how grateful he is that I made dinner or that I took out the trash, it always brightens up my mood. Just knowing that someone notices my effort makes me feel appreciated and even rejuvenated, and I know that taking the time to notice my fiancé’s efforts goes a long way too.

This year, resolve to show gratitude to your partner more often. Whether you want to take time in the evenings to thank each other for something you did that day, or if you prefer to practice voicing your appreciation whenever you can, showing gratitude can strengthen your bond and make you both happier.

So go ahead, tell your honey how grateful you are that she emptied the dishwasher, tell your boyfriend how much you appreciate it when he makes you lunch. Give her a hug when he surprises you with a gift or give him a smooch when she picks up dinner.

It’s nice to appreciate your partner, and great to be appreciated.

2. Find hobbies that are all your own.

Sure, in an perfect world I’d do everything with my fiancé, we’d have all the same interests and spend all our time together. We’d be unbeatable tennis partners, perform in a two-person band (I’d play ukulele, he’d be on keyboard), and we’d have a TV show as a couple who remodel houses.

But in reality, no two people have all the same interests and, truth be told, there might be times when you don’t really want to spend time with your partner. I love my fiancé more than pizza, but sometimes I really want to do something by myself.

And that’s okay! Actually, it’s prefered. It’s healthy to spend some time without your beau and pursue your own interests or hobbies.

Maybe you want to take a woodshop class and perhaps your significant other wants to join a soccer league — perfect! Following your dreams will make you a happier person (and a better partner) and getting to do something all your own will allow you to bring something special to the relationship.

I like painting, and I love coming home from art class and showing my fiancé what I created. He’s really good with computers, and it always rocks my world when he fixes that darn internet.

So, this year, sit down with your partner and find different things you each want to do. Try to find activities that take place on the same night (so you aren’t missing two evenings of Netflix and chill together) and sign up for them. Are those book club meetings and monster truck fan club meet-ups on the same night? Excellent.

You’ll both learn something new, have fun, make friends, and at the end of the day, you’ll love telling each other all about your adventures.

3. Show an interest in your partner’s work and hobbies.

I know, I know, I just finished telling you about how awesome it is to have separate hobbies…but that doesn’t mean you can’t be interested in what your honey does with his or her time.

I love telling my fiancé about my day and about the people I talked to, and I know it means a lot to him when I show an interest in his work.

Sometimes I may feel my eyes glazing over (a little) when he talks about his very complicated job with all the marketing terms and fancy reports, but I try to get to know more about his work so I can learn more about what he goes through during the day.

4. Try to be a better listener.

This might seem obvious, but being a better listener can make your relationship so much smoother.

You’ve probably been there before: you start telling a story about what your Aunt Mabel did at lunch yesterday, and halfway through the part where she threw the salad at the waiter, your significant other looks up from a magazine and says “were you talking to me?”

Or maybe your significant other was talking about how his friend Joe was on Cake Boss. The story reminds you that you need to pick up flour from the store so you start to think about the grocery list, and before you know it, you missed the whole story.

It’s the worst.

This year, resolve to work on your listening skills together. It’s something that requires practice, so remind yourself to stay engaged in conversation and understand, not just hear, what your partner says.

In the meantime, it’s also a good idea to let your partner know when something you’re going to say is very important. I know it can be hard to focus on each other when there’s a lot going on, but sometimes you need to set aside time for talking (and listening).

When I have a problem and need advice (or just want to vent), I’ll ask my fiance for five minutes to listen to me talk. He’ll take a minute to finish that chapter in a book (or save his video game) and then focus on what I have to say.

I love this tactic because it allows your beau a chance to wrap up what they need to do and give you the attention they need, and it also sends a message to your SO that what you’re going to say is important.

It’s a good way to set up for communication success.

5. Make sure you are happy and healthy.

I have a lot of stress in my life right now: I work all day and go to grad school at night (just thinking about my schedule makes me tired). But in this day and age, a lot of people find themselves overworked or overstressed. Maybe you struggle with anxiety, haven’t been getting enough sleep, or maybe you’re mourning a death in the family.

A relationship isn’t strong without both parties feeling good, so this year, resolve to take care of yourself with some kick-ass self love.

Therapy is a great tool for a lot of people, sometimes you just need a stranger to talk to. Going to the gym is great for stress relief, and if all else fails, scheduling a massage can do wonders.

Taking the time to take care of yourself will make you a happier person, and a better partner.

6. Let the small stuff go.

Just like Elsa, sometimes you need to let things go. If your boyfriend didn’t change the toilet paper roll the 367th time you asked him to do it, he probably won’t change it on the 368th time.

My fiancé never throws things away. He’ll bring a candy bar wrapper within two feet of the trash can, but it won’t actually make it into the bin. Meanwhile, I leave water cups everywhere. At any point in the week you can find at least one cup in the living room, one on the patio, three on the nightstand, and zero in the kitchen cabinet. In the beginning, little things like that drove my fiancé and I bonkers, but eventually, we learned to live with each other’s habits.

The truth is, no couple is perfect. Nobody is truly made for each other or completely compatible. Sometimes the happiest couples are just the ones that let the small issues go so they can appreciate the big things that make them such a great pair.

Maybe your husband is the worst at sweeping the floor, but he’s also a great dad. You didn’t marry him for the clean floors. Let it go, and invest in a cleaning service.

7. Put your phone down.

I don’t mean to sound like a grandma right now, but it’s important to put your phone away… sometimes.

Imagine you’re at a restaurant with your love. You realize that you need to check your email, so you glance at your inbox and see an invitation to your cousin’s birthday party. You realize that, while you’re thinking about it, you should text him to see what he wants for a present. When you’re done texting him you see a message from your mom asking if you can pick up that box of old high school yearbooks.

By the time you put your phone down, all your food came, you had six diet cokes, the server dropped off the bill, and you’ve barely said two words to your partner.

Sometimes, you just need to put your phones away, and enjoy your time together. With such busy schedules and so many things to think about, it’s nice to have a meal where you and your beau can focus on each other.

Plan to have a phone-free meal once and awhile. If you only have time to go out to dinner once a week, make that the date where you put away your devices. You’ll be glad you spent that quality time together.

8. Try and find opportunities to volunteer together.

Lots of people make a New Year’s resolution to put in a couple hours at the soup kitchen or help plant some trees. But volunteering together doesn’t just help your community, it can help your relationship, too.

Every so often my fiancé and I will head over to our local food bank and help organize the donated food. It might not sound very romantic to spend a Saturday afternoon sorting through canned peas and boxes of macaroni and cheese, but we always have fun. We like spending the time together, and volunteering makes us feel good. It’s a far cry from the traditional dinner and a movie date night, and maybe that’s a good thing.

9. Spend time together in the kitchen.

Another popular New Year’s resolution is eating healthier. I make this resolution every year and it lasts about as long as it takes me to find a Taco Bell.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a food-based New Year’s resolution. One great idea is to resolve to make dinners together.

Making a meal together requires teamwork, communication, and coordination. Practicing skills like these can help you grow closer in your relationship. Making dinner at home can also save you money, and it could (brace yourselves) be a roundabout way of eating healthier too.

If you do this right, you’ll spend time together, save some cash, and maybe even cut down on calories all in one resolution. Win-win-win!

The new year is a great time to set goals and work on improving yourself, but with these resolutions, you can improve your relationship too. From learning to listen more closely to volunteering together, these resolutions will surely make your relationship even stronger. What a way to ring in the new year!

For more on setting good New Year’s resolutions for your relationship, check out Passionate Sex Every Day for The New Year—Here is How, Healthy Relationship, Healthy New Year… Here is How and 6 SEX New Year’s Resolutions for Couples.

10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship According To Experts

January 28, 2018January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Need expert advice on love? We got you.

Meeting someone you really care for is fun and exciting. You want to make sure your relationship is a mutually fulfilling and stable one. But how do you know it’s healthy for sure?

As much as advice from our friends or family may help, an impartial and experienced perspective might give your relationship the check-up it actually needs.

Here are 10 signs of a healthy relationship according to various experts:

1. You completely trust each other.

According to psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, M.D, “Trust means that you believe that your partner has what it takes to weather the storms of life and come through them standing by your side.”

You know that your partner is there for you, through the good and the bad. You love and respect each other throughout life’s ups and downs. She adds, “Trust implies the unshakable confidence that no matter what happens, your partner will remain loyal to you and the relationship, will honor their commitments, will not lie, and will remain open to working out whatever difficulties arise.”

Ultimately, you both have each other’s backs.

2. You make room for each other’s dreams.

As much as we want to create a shared life together, it is still very important to maintain or own goals and dreams. Not doing so can lead to problems down the road. Often times couples initially put aside some of their individual goals to build a life together.

“Partners who respect and support those buried desires want them to happen,” says Dr. Randi Gunther, a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. “They know that some of their relationship priorities may have to be rescheduled, and the resources to make that happen must be willingly reallocated.”

A great relationship means knowing your partner believes in you and wants you to fulfil your hopes and dreams.

3. You speak your mind.

Devon Corneal, writer for RealSimple states, “Relationships thrive when couples can express themselves freely and honestly. That means no topic is off limits, and you both feel heard. Consistent communication is vital to building a lasting life together.”

That being said, it is always done tactfully and respectfully. You want your partner to know what you are thinking and where you are coming from dso that they can truly know you.

4. You fight fair.

Conflict is a normal part of any close relationship. But it is how you handle it and how you treat each other during the conflict that matters most. Using it as a way to resolve the issue and move forward is one of the best signs of a healthy relationship.

“A good relationship is one where the two of you fight fair. In other words, you don’t curse, scream, talk down to each other or dismiss each other,” says relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch.

5. You accept each other’s imperfections.

No one is perfect, and expecting perfection from your partner is toxic. You are realistic about your expectations of others.

“No guy or girl will be able to put you first 100 percent of the time. No partner will be willing to stay up late on every single work night just to talk to you about life. No significant other can always drop what they’re doing to be available when you need them,” reflects Marisa Donnelly, author and poet.

We have to be able to cut our partner slack and accept that they will not always react perfectly. They will make mistakes and let us down at times.

She adds, “Real love is not about holding out for the perfect person or finding someone who meets all the criteria on your list. Real love is about finding an imperfect person and building a messy, beautiful love.”

6. You are kind to each other.

“Nothing is more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, empathy, and appreciation,” says Devon Corneal.

You treat your partner with the same kindness and generosity as your best friends and close family members. You find yourself doing this because you want to, not out of obligation.

7. You have similar values.

“Ideally, you’re on the same page about key life issues — family values, raising children, religious and spiritual life, even politics. Having a similar way of looking at life creates a shorthand way to relate to each on important issues” suggests Dr. Abigail Brenner.

You aren’t the same in every way, but you are on the same page about the important things in life. This helps you plan for accomplishing life goals together and on the same timeline.

8. You keep your promises.

You keep your word and your partner trusts that you will. You keep your promise even if you partner will not find out if you broke it.

“When you experience true love, your moral conscience becomes very strong when it comes to this one special person,” says writer Elizabeth Arthur at Love Panky.

You also don’t say you will do something you have no intention of doing just to keep the peace. You say what you mean and mean what you say.

9. You value each other’s individuality and boundaries.

Dr. Abigail Brenner states, “Our individual differences should never be seen as being “less than” someone else’s, but as opportunities to gain a new perspective. A healthy relationship nurtures and embraces each of our special qualities.”

This also means you spend time apart to focus on your own interests. You understand that you each need time alone and with your own friends.

10. You feel really happy.

“Just watching this special person smile or laugh out loud fills you with intense happiness, even if you’re suffering or having a hard day,” notes Elizabeth Arthur.

You enjoy each other’s company and brighten each other’s day. You both can’t wait to share good news with each other and fill them in on what is happening in your life.

When you see these signs of a healthy relationship, 10 out of 10 experts would agree: you’re in a loving partnership.

The road to love may be difficult at times, but that’s to be expected. Keeping good and optimistic advice on your mind may not only make the journey a bit smoother, but also more rewarding. Who doesn’t want that?

For more articles about lasting love, check out “True Love Lessons from Sierra: Be Yourself” and “20 Relationship Memes That Will Give You All The Feels If You’re In Love.”

How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong

September 20, 2019January 22, 2024 by Meg Scanlonin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

How to turn it around in a relationship

We all want to live our best lives and have the healthiest relationships possible. But we may not know how to get there and what to do. I spoke with Barbra Russell, MA a counselor, speaker and author of Yes! I Said No! about how we can create and maintain a relationship of optimal wellness.

Creating Boundaries

We know that boundaries are important. We understand that we should have them and we know when it feels like someone has crossed them. But how do we set and maintain good boundaries? The biggest fear most people have with boundaries is coming across as rude, harsh or mean, especially when it is someone we care deeply about. We may also worry that we may hurt someone’s feelings or that they may not want to continue to have a relationship with them if we have a serious discussion about boundaries. We want to compromise, but we also need for our own needs to be met.

Barbra Russell gives us 3 steps to follow when setting a boundary.

“Step 1: Say what you don’t like (without attacking the others character) Step 2: Say what you want (specifically) Step 3: Set a consequence.”

This sounds pretty simple, but let’s look at exactly how to put it into practice. Barbra explains two examples. Here is an example of a woman who might set a boundary, “Step 1: We’ve been so busy, we don’t take time to show affection and that’s important to me.

Step 2:So I’d like for you to kiss me every morning before work and we talk to each other for at least half an hour after the kids are asleep. Step 3: I’ll remind you for a few times until we make this a habit.”

Here is an example of a boundary a man might set, according to Barbra, “Step 1: I need time to myself when I first come home from work so I can clear my mind.

Step 2: I’d like 30 minutes of quiet time before I help with dinner or with the kids. Step 3.I’ll go into my ‘man cave’ every day for 30 minutes.”

It can feel scary or needy to ask for more affection or for time away from your significant other and kids. We may worry we will hurt their feelings or make them feel judged or criticized. But if we don’t communicate our needs, we can feel stressed or resentful and that can be toxic to a healthy relationship.

When expressing what you don’t like, try to make it a request that your partner can easily fulfill. Try to keep emotions such as anger, frustration, etc out of the equation. Make sure what you want is something reasonable and specific. The consequence should not skew negative. It may take some time to put the new actions into place, since it can take some time to change and break a habit. So be patient and kind to your partner as this transition is happening. Also ask for your partner to be patient with you.

Communication Between The Sexes

Communicating with anyone can be hard, and there are some fundamental differences in how men and women think and communicate. Understanding these differences can help us feel more seen and heard. Barbra explains it very clearly, “She ‘connects’ more memories, words and thoughts faster, and tends to talk ‘in circles,’ bringing up one thing, then another before arriving at the final thought or solution. His brain works more efficiently, thinking in a ‘straight line,’ solving a problem by quickly giving advice or a solution.”

Communicate directly what you want from your partner. Barbra gives the examples, “She says, ‘I just need you to listen, while I talk this through.’ He instructs, ‘Write down what you need me to do, because I’m likely to forget.”

Again, ask for what you want and communicate what you think can be helpful to your relationship. Make sure it is a request and an actionable step, such as writing something down or listening as someone processes their thoughts. Keep any judgements out if, you don’t want to judge your partner for thinking and processing things differently that you do. Use positive reinforcement to encourage each other.

One main reward is your relationship will probably start to feel easier and you will both feel more supported. Compliment each other frequently and let them know how much you appreciate them doing what you asked for and explain how it makes you feel so much better.

This is a process, so patience is key. Understanding these communication differences can help same sex couples and can also help you communicate in friendships as well. If you identify as gender fluid or non-binary then you may find yourself falling somewhere along this spectrum.

How Our Brains Look For What’s Wrong

Sometimes couples that have been together for a while start to focus more on the negative aspects of their relationship and less on the positive ones. They may lose sight of what brought them together initially.

This can become even more challenging as couples build a life together, raise children together, focus on extended family and career obligations. Barbra states, “Our brains are designed to look for what’s wrong – a survival mechanism to keep us alive – but in a relationship, the ratio often becomes 90:10, with the 90% of what’s right, what you like about the other person is taken for granted and we focus on the 10% — what you don’t like, what’s irritating, etc.” This can start a negative pattern or downward spiral. Barbra explains, “What you focus on gets bigger. Therefore, the more you focus on what’s wrong, the bigger problem that becomes.” We have all experienced this in other aspects of our lives as well, where we focus on the negative and the problem spirals. We can begin to feel discouraged or even hopeless that our situation can change.

Barbra offers some helpful solutions, “Compliment more than you complain.” If you find yourself complaining alot, take a step back and try to turn the situation around. Try to compliment your partner on what they are doing well and make them feel appreciated for all of their positive qualities.

Her second tip is, “Do the things you used to do that made them fall in love.” Maybe you used to go on dates to your favorite restaurant in the beginning but now you don’t anymore because you’d have to get a sitter. Or maybe you used to cook together, but with work schedules you don’t have the time. Try to make an effort to do these things together to make you feel more connected and to just have more fun together.

Lastly, Barbra states,”Provide safety by listening before you talk.” Let your partner get their full ideas out there before responding. Try not to interrupt. It can be easy to get defensive or feel misunderstood. Even if you don’t agree with their comment, try to really see their point of view and why they may feel this way. You want to get to a resolution and both be understood, not be right or wrong or assign blame.

Trying It Out

Personally I used to be more hesitant to bring up these conversations for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or worrying how they would react. I also felt like I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted to say in the most productive way. But then I would feel as though the issues would remain and that was stressful in it’s own way. Learning how to communicate in a positive and healthy way has made me feel like my relationships are stronger.

Try using these skills in your relationships and see if you feel more confident and positive about your relationship and yourself. Being a great communicator can help you not only in your romantic relationships, but friendships, family and work relationships. Setting boundaries and having a positive mindset can make you feel like the best version of yourself.