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The Art of Flirting: 5 Flirting Styles

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

Flirting is the gentle art of letting a person know that you are interested in them.

Flirting isn’t just a bird call to invite people to a relationship or a booty call; it’s also done to feel sexy, inviting, exciting and desirable.  And perhaps, one or two off times, to make your partner feel jealous! But whatever may be the reasons, the fact of the matter is — that flirting is tricky. Almost all of us have missed to notice that someone was flirting with us. Also sadly, in these times, even friendliness is sometimes mistaken as being flirtatious, so you might have heard from your friend the morning after, that the girl you were bonding with over football, thought you were a pushy flirt, or maybe even borderline creepy!

Now, wouldn’t it be great: If you could somehow get the secret to flirting right? Haven’t you noticed around you, how people not traditionally appealing for the opposite sex, are still somehow popular with them?

The answer, my friend, isn’t blowing in the wind (Bruce Springsteen, anyone?). It is inside the book The Five Flirting Styles by Jeffrey A. Hall, a Ph.D and an international expert on dating and relationships, published by Harlequin.

The book, with its groundbreaking distinction of flirting styles into five distinct ones, has helped thousands of people to discover and polish their natural flirting style and assisted them to find their perfect match. We bring Mr. Hall’s research right to you, to unlock the secret to flirt right.

Flirting can essentially be divided into the following types:

1. The Physical Style
Young beautiful couple flirting on beach

The Physical flirt knows what he’s got going for himself and is not afraid to use it.

Confident in using his body language to communicate interest, the physical flirt has no problems in touching their crush gently to indicate interest.

He is not shy about letting a potential partner know how he feels and does so through his physicality, non-verbal behavior and physical attractiveness.

What works for The Physical Flirt: 

They have little problem letting people know that they are interested.

They often result in sparking a physical connection with their date, much quicker than the rest.

What doesn’t work for them: 

Other people might interpret their everyday manner as more sexually charged.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, people might not be comfortable with their overt physical manner.

Research Says

Your physical attractiveness can change dramatically during a first date. Your personality affects how sexy other people perceive you to be. What you say can either enhance or undermine how attractive other people perceive you to be.

2. The Polite Style
Embrace

Good manners are a must for this flirt.

Rule governed and polished, the basic arsenal in their armory is genteel and refined behavior.

They are always polite, and may refuse to engage in inappropriate or obviously sexual behavior that might make the other person uncomfortable. This type of a flirt is more likely to invite their potential date to a coffee shop or someplace quiet, as opposed to a noisy club, to get to speak to them at a more personal level.

They diligently follow courtship rules and will always choose civility over pushiness.

What works for The Polite Flirt:

They never come across as looking needy or trying too hard.

They also never embarrass themselves or pass off as appearing too aggressive and insensitive.

They are always well regarded by the opposite gender for their gentlemanly manner.

What doesn’t work for them:

They can seldom appreciate the flirting styles of other people. They may even feel that forward people are rude or impolite.

The Polite Flirt’s approach could be slow paced and quite indirect.

They like to keep their physical feelings in check for the sake of romance.

To the Polite flirt, being out-and-out direct when engaging in romance is simply uncouth. So they might fail to establish a physical connect with their date.

3. The Playful Style

For them, flirting is a game. To the Playful Flirt, it is fun to meet new people, talk them up and make people fall for them.

The playful style is bubbly, funny, flirty and fun.

Playful flirts do not care how others might interpret their behavior as long as they are having a good time.

Note: Playful flirts can even flirt with someone when they are not attracted to them!

What works for The Playful Flirt: 

They are perhaps the most popular of all among the opposite sex.

They can easily mingle with their date and get a crackling chemistry with them in record time!

What doesn’t work for them: 

Getting into a long term relationship is tricky for the Playful Flirt, as they have some big temptations to fight on the way.

For instance, a man who was a Playful Flirt all his life — now flirts with even a waitress when at a restaurant with his wife. He has a daughter too, and is quite loyal to his wife. But he simply can’t get rid of his habit. Now the two have just accepted that he will flirt wherever possible just to get an extra shot of self-esteem!

4. The Sincere Style
Passionate Sensual Couple In Mirror

They show sincere personal interest. This type of a flirt wants to create an emotional bond with a new crush. Their approach is to share things about themselves and get the other people talking.

They take the first rule of socializing to heart: that if you want to be an interesting conversationalist, you must get people to talk about themselves. They pay great attention to a partner’s personality.

For them, the best chemistry involves around communication and full disclosure.

What works for The Sincere Flirt: 

This approach is highly effective and makes them liked by people immensely.

Seeking an emotional connect with a partner is defined as the most agreeable, desirable and effective of all communications, and flirts of this type usually go on to build lasting relationships.

What doesn’t work for them: 

Some people might perceive the Sincere Flirt as boring, as most people like a little bit of fun and danger in flirting.

5. The Traditional Style

This type feels that men should make the first move and women shouldn’t.

It’s not just that they like this arrangement, in fact they even insist on it.

The men belonging to this flirting type like to confirm to traditional gender defined roles. Like paying for her every time, pulling the chair for her, opening the car door for her, etc.

They might think that the woman who flirts with them first is too forward, and in extreme cases might brandish her as a slut.

What works for them:

It’s easy to confirm to this type. Men ask women out, men open the doors for women, men clear the cheque at a dinner. Men kiss first. Men are more physically aggressive. Women push back. Men go further and conquer. See, so simple!

What doesn’t work for them:

Hey, most cool women won’t fall for that! This flirting style died in the nineties.

You can buy the full book here at www.hqnindia.com

 

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

6 Empowered Feminine Ways to Attract a Great Mate

by MONROKin LOVE

WorkoutBrutal athletic woman pumping up muscles with dumbbells

This may seem to some, the most obvious, and to others, the most shallow, but taking care of your health and body is a sign of self-respect. When you respect yourself, you open the door for others to respect you. I’m not saying you have to eat a carrot a day and start running marathons, just maintain a moderately healthy lifestyle. I once did a juice cleanse for a week and immediately felt like a new woman. I was hit on multiple times before I found out I hadn’t actually lost any weight. When you start to feel good about yourself it shows, and others respond to that newly found confidence.

 

Do Something out of your Comfort Zone

This has 3 outcomes. When you do something that is foreign to you, you

  1. Might find a new hobby or interest
  2. Might meet someone you get on with
  3. Might find something you abhor and/or a person you abhor

Either way, it’s worth a shot. When you open yourself up to new things you become a more well-rounded person. The more things you have exposed yourself to, the more you will have in common, or at least be able to have an intelligent conversation on with others. I joined an improv class once because doing improv was my biggest fear and ended up meeting a handsome businessman who was doing the class to help him feel more creative in the workplace. We both decided we weren’t improv people and then made out. You never know who you will meet and where so be careful to close doors.

Masturbate

I know… Seriously though, going weeks or months without sexual sensation can translate into anger and frustration. Nobody wants to be the bitch that needs to get laid. If you’re not the type that’s into one night stands, you might have to do it yourself for a bit. Use that imagination, and if you need help there’s a really hot video on youtube of Bradley Cooper speaking French.

3 More Ways on Next Page….

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Be a Man Magnet Everyday

by zfortadminin LOVE

Learn flirting techniques from a professional wingwoman. Men paid her to help them make a move, apply her tips close the deal the next time you lock eyes with that sexy man at the bar. 

Do you ever go out sometimes and feel like guys aren’t giving you the attention you deserve, and you can’t figure out why? That used to happen to me too. Then I became a part-time “wingwoman” — a girl who helps guys meet chicks in bars by posing as the guys’ platonic female friend. (Wingwoman services are available in many cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, and Saint Louis.) While earning my wings, I learned lots of little tricks every single girl can use to improve her success with guys. Warning: Once you perfect these moves, you might find that you’re such a powerful man-magnet, you attract guys everywhere. I used to date a guy who asked me out at the ATM!

Wingtip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.

Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.

Group of friends toasting with cocktails in the bar

Wingtip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.

Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.

Wingtip #3: Smile genuinely.

So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.

Wingtip #4: Work the eye contact.

To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them — it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference.

Wingtip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does.

Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It’s that fear-of-being-used thing again.

Wingtip #6 Make positive small talk.

Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

 

Trying to Flirt on Facebook

by Robin Tranin DATING ADVICE

I cringe when I see someone publicly trying to flirt on Facebook and failing because it reminds me of me.  

I’ve noticed that the most common technique is one I utilized for years, the “I’m kidding…unless YOU’RE not…” approach, where someone makes a flirtatious overture under the guise of it being a “joke” to soften the blow of potential rejection, but also opens up the possibility of moving forward if the response to the “joke” is positive.  I get so embarrassed when I see this tactic because I look back and realize how transparent I was for years while thinking I was so slick, smooth, and suave.

A few weeks ago, one of my friends posted a status that said, “I dropped my iPhone and now it won’t turn on, can somebody help?” and inevitably, a poor sap commented, “I can show you how to turn YOU on, haha….”  The comment went unliked, unresponded to, and sat there like a Facebook sore thumb.

I’ve made similar inappropriate comments publicly so many times, and my friends have asked why I did this so frequently given how empathetic I seem nowadays and how I’m currently in a loving long-term relationship.

The main reason I used this approach was because I always thought women were oblivious and did not know how to take hints.  When my advances went unanswered, I’d think, “How could she be so unaware that I’m flirting?  I guess this means I need to be more obvious next time.”  Many movies and television shows had a trope where several men would make advances to the same woman and part of the humor rested on the woman’s unawareness, so I assumed that all women were this oblivious in real-life.  I subconsciously dehumanized them and saw them as vapid creatures who never knew what was happening around them.

Little did I know that every time I tried to be subtle, they almost always knew I was attempting to flirt, and they didn’t challenge my intentions because it would’ve made the situation too awkward.  And in some cases, they were generously helping me save face.  However, since I came out as a transgender woman, I started receiving messages and awkward comments from strangers who try to flirt with me (which is a completely new experience), so I am now experiencing what I’ve put so many women through.

I used to wonder why my female friends never told these people–mostly men–to “go away” bluntly, and now that I’m experiencing the awkward amorous overtures firsthand, I realize it’s because this entire flirting technique is immersed in plausible deniability.  These men can easily deny that they were ever flirting and can even claim that the other party is being “arrogant” when confronted.

A few years ago, I had a crush on my friend and while we were chatting online, I made an allusion to how beautiful she was as a “joke” and followed up with a meek “lol…”  Looking back, I could see she was protecting me when she told me she only saw me as a friend and wanted to cut this off at the pass before I got the wrong idea.  She told me she wanted to make our relationship clear, that we were only friends, and that while she was flattered, she didn’t want us to be anything more.

Immediately, I felt my face turning red and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I convinced myself that I was just trying to give her a compliment.

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Vixen…Interview with a True Burlesque Diva

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Are you looking to improve your confidence, both in and out of the bedroom? Look no further than your own boudoir. Burlesque is more than just the tease; it is an attitude of confidence that can positively impact every area of life. There is a body-positive revolution brewing; and today, we meet a British bombshell who is setting the west coast ablaze with it.

Prepare to meet your next girl crush.

The Performer: Vixen Deville is an other-worldly sex goddess: she swallows fire, walks on glass, defies gravity with aerial hoops, and tantalizes audiences with her curves. Since leaving London for Los Angeles, Vixen has been blowing Hollywood minds with her saucy personality and sensuous feats of daring.

The Person: Cat LaCohie is a force of nature with a big mission. She lives to awaken the power in others, by teaching women (and men) to embrace their wildness and express their sensuality through Burlesque.

I recently got the chance to sit down for a no-holds-barred interview with Cat. In this intimate conversation, she reveals the lessons she has learned. In Part 1 of the following Q&A, Cat LaCohie tells us how it all went down. In Part 2, Vixen shares exclusive tips on how you can harness your own feminine power.

Part 1:

The Birth of Vixen

How did Vixen come to be?

“Originally, Vixen was everything I wanted to be, but wasn’t in real life. Growing up, I was overweight and unpopular. I hated giving presentations at school. But by the age of 9 or 10, I fell in love with acting…and I identified with strong characters, like Scarlet from Gone With The Wind. I wanted to be her, wearing corsets and dresses and everything. I became more comfortable being someone else. As a character, you can say whatever you want with no personal consequences – because they all assume you’re pretending.”

Who is Vixen, now?

“Looking back on it, I realize that if I had the confidence at the beginning, there would have been no need for a character. The stage was a safe space to express my honest thoughts. Vixen DeVille was me. When I feel powerful and sexy and shameless as Vixen, I am embracing my vulnerability and power as Cat. Vixen and I are very similar.”

I feel like everyone has a brazen alter-ego inside of them. What are the benefits of embracing this?

“As myself, I have become more confident in certain situations because I realize I’m not being judged for what I say anymore. If I say something a bit off the cuff, a bit more tongue in cheek, people like me for it. People like me for not giving a shit. You don’t have to ‘fit in’ or guess what people are expecting you to be. People love the quirkiness and weirdness that is you.”

Does Vixen also play a part in the bedroom?

“I think people expect me to be really adventurous and dominant in the bedroom, because of the persona. And Vixen is very domineering…all leather and corsets and all that. But I’m not even into that. It’s like how Halloween comes once a year and you have an excuse to dress how you’ve always wanted… Now that I play Vixen on a weekly basis, I don’t need that outlet anymore.

“In the bedroom, having a connection with somebody is way more important than sex toys or bondage or anything. It can be fun, but it shouldn’t be everything. If someone feels the need to do this with somebody, they might be avoiding connection. Great sex means simply being in tune with each other. Everything else is just bells and whistles. I personally like being dominated a little bit. It’s a give and take, really.”

So while you and Vixen are very similar in life, does it bother you when people expect a certain thing in bed?

“Just because I dress a certain way, or listen to a certain type of music, or behave a certain way onstage…I’m not that way in bed. Marilyn Manson doesn’t go around killing children. You like to watch horror films, but you’re not an axe murderer.

Vixen does not discriminate when flirting with her audience. How do people respond?

“Onstage, I flirt with men and women absolutely equally. Men really like Vixen, but women find themselves attracted, too. Last night I did an act where I brought a woman onstage with me.

“People tend to over-think their sexuality to the point of shame. The stage is very freeing…if I didn’t have Vixen to speak through, I might not have had a chance to explore my sexuality. The audience jumps right in. It’s like group therapy!”

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Flirting as Naturally as Possible

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

” You have to make the guy think he’s making the first move when you’re the one really doing it…”

Lately, I’ve been getting pitches from so-called flirting and dating experts to write about them. While their bios are always interesting, I have to wonder how gifted they are in the romance department. What qualifies someone as a dating expert anyway? Someone who goes on a lot of dates?

If that’s the main criteria, then I already have insider access to one of the greatest dating experts out there. And she happens to be my best friend: P.

P isn’t a supermodel, but she is a beautiful girl—the type of person that turns heads when she walks down the street. She is a smooth cocktail composed of confidence, sex appeal, looks and sweetness. And she gets more guys than anyone I know.

While taking the train home from work one day, I chat with her about the art of flirting. We’ve both read countless articles about the basic Dos and Don’ts of the courtship game—as you probably have too.

The rules, which are pretty standard and obvious, sound something like this:

  • Lock eyes for several seconds, then, look away
  • Smile and act happy
  • Mimic the other person’s body language
  • Show off your neck (for the ladies)
  • Wear red lipstick (for the ladies)

Having been in a relationship for the last year and a half, I feel a little rusty in my flirting aptitude. Still, I have always recalled these rules of attraction dutifully.

But P, the resident expert and boy magnet, tells me she has improved on the old school dogma. Attracting someone should be a little more subtle, she says. In other words, don’t make it seem like you’re flirting.

And this is when our simple conversation turns into a life lesson.

“Jen,” she says, ” You have to make the guy think he’s making the first move when you’re the one really doing it…”

Give me an example, I ask her. She provides two. (Of course she does.)

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What Romantic Characters to Watch Out for In Real Life

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Petticoats and title inheritance might no longer carry relevance in the modern dating scene, but if I won the chance to share a drink and discuss the idiosyncrasies of romance with anyone—dead or alive—I’d choose Jane Austen.

Even though our boy-meets-girl encounters barely resemble those of the regency era, I promise you, Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy types walk among us still. Ranked from most dangerous to the most heartwarming men deserving of a green light, here are six Austen archetypes you’ll surely come across IRL.

THE WILY WICKHAM — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

While maybe not the most conniving of Austen’s antagonists (that award goes to Persuasion’s Mr. Elliot, in my opinion), Pride and Prejudice’s George Wickham is downright dangerous. He’s a mix of good looks, charm, and heartless Machiavellian tendencies—yikes! Aside from being a perpetual weaver of lies, he not once, but twice lured 15-year-old girls into running away with him. Horrible, and now, very much illegal, sir.

What to watch out for: Maybe men today aren’t eloping with minors, but they have no qualms about using others for their own gain—in romantic relationships or even their friendships. Men like Wickham will go to great lengths to get what they want, and unfortunately, he’s not particularly concerned with morality.

Identifying 21st Century Wickhams isn’t easy—which makes them the most dangerous. One early sign? In your modern man, watch out for evasiveness and secrecy when talking about important things. If his stories aren’t adding up, and he gets touchy when you point this out, it might be a sign he isn’t entirely who he says he is.

THE SPINELESS WILLOUGHBY — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

When John Willoughby arrives on the scene in Sense and Sensibility, he sweeps Marianne off her feet—literally. Before she knows who he truly is, she has already declared her heart to him. Lo and behold, he recently fathered an illegitimate child and is fully prepared to abandon Marianne in a heartbeat, if it means big money. The promises! Oh, the promises! While Willoughby might be dashing and in love with the idea of love, he’s caught up in a rush of emotion and “plans” for the future without follow through.

What to watch out for: The world is full of men who love the chase and the early sparks of romance (I mean, who doesn’t?). But you’ve heard the phrase “too good to be true,” and Willoughbys are just that. Ultimately they lack commitment and are reckless with heart. In your modern man, watch for a pattern of over-promising and consistently under-delivering. Early signs might be flakiness—and later signs might be the classic Houdini act.

THE FLIRTATIOUS FRANK — JANE GRADE: FLASHING YELLOW

When Frank Churchill walks into Emma’s world in Austen’s Emma, he makes a concerted effort to woo her. And as the novel unfolds, he succeeds—at least a little bit. To the onlooker, it he seems like he’s smitten, considering all the time he seemingly wants to spend with her and all the banter they exchange. Yet, as the plot thickens, it turns out Frank was only flirting with Emma to hide his love for another.

Fortunately for our heroine Emma, her attachment to Frank Churchill doesn’t run deep. Still, the way her friends reacted upon hearing how he toyed with her emotions illustrates how selfish his actions were. He led on a woman for months, fully aware he could be hurting her and others along the way.

What to watch out for: Flirting is fun. But there’s a hard line between flirting and purposely manipulating feelings. People, even those as self-absorbed as Emma was early in the novel, aren’t puppets to be played with. While Frank Churchill has less sinister intentions than Mr. Wickham, flirting with Emma is merely a means to an end, clearly violating the dating commandment: Flirt unto others as you would have them flirt unto you.

While there’s no need to overthink casual flirting, if your real-life Frank is coming on pretty strong yet never wades into conversation of any real depth, it might be a sign he’s just having fun. Go ahead, enjoy the banter, but don’t expect much beyond that.

THE FORGIVABLE FERRARS — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

Romance doesn’t come easily to everyone, especially if you are Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars from Sense and Sensibility. When Ferrars meets Elinor, their connection is strong. It’s clear they’re into each other, but no advances are made. Edward fades into the background, never to be heard from. Later, it’s revealed that he’s engaged to another. Hmm…odd that it never came up during their multitude of heart-to-hearts.

Admittedly, if your target of affection is as emotionally reserved as Elinor Dashwood you’re not exactly set up for success—especially if you’re on the humbler side of things. But even though Edward Ferrars wins our hearts (and the heart of Elinor) by the end, the fact that he failed in the transparency department on such a huge scale was a big blunder. Really, Edward?

What to watch out for: Today’s man can be found making many lesser and more forgivable blunders than Edward. For instance trying to play it cool without saying how he feels (“wanna hangout” vs. “let’s go out on a date”), mentioning ex-girlfriends on dates, or accidentally drinking too much and saying something weird or awkward. While you should definitely take note of these kinds of actions, keep in mind that he’s human. Don’t be like Elinor though; feel free to call him out if he says or does something that bothers you! If you’re hanging out and it feels like a date, tell him that.

THE DETERMINED DARCY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

If you’re unfamiliar with this classic tale, in the beginning of Pride and Prejudice our hunky hero, Fitzwilliam Darcy, readily snubs his eventual object of affection, Elizabeth. Talk about a rocky start. But as their paths continue to cross, he finds himself more and more enchanted with her—and after one botched proposal and several miscommunications, by the end, he goes to great lengths (and expense) to prove to her that he’s for real. It’s his humility and determination that sets him apart as the inimitable Austen man.

What to watch out for: Today we should take note of the determined Darcys out there. Once these men have committed, there’s no ambiguity as to where they stand. This can be pretty refreshing in a dating world full of flaky Frank types. But you must remember: Darcy didn’t become the man we know and love entirely on his own. It wasn’t until Lizzie challenged his prideful arrogance, and made it clear that they were on an even playing field, that he was able to become a better, more humble man.

THE DEPENDABLE KNIGHTLEY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!

George Knightley and Emma begin as great friends, neighbors, and technically in-laws (her sister is married to his brother). They’re close, but over the course of the story, Emma’s actions frustrate Knightley, and he can be a bit obnoxious in correcting her.

Knightley might not be as dashing as Darcy, but the established friendship that he builds with Emma is really what functional, happy relationships are all about. At the base of any romance, there needs to be a strong foundation of friendship.

What to watch out for: What I particularly love about Emma’s Knightley is that, oddly, his way of dating is surprisingly the most modern. Knightley and Emma actually know each other before he professes his love—which is something we might take for granted in the 21st century. These days, we’re not as bound by social mandates of rank and circumstance in our courting; we’re given time—often even years—to think through if someone is right for us.

Still, it can be hard open our minds and give that guy who’s a friend a real chance. If you find your “friend” wants to be taken out of the friend zone, it is definitely worth giving him a shot. He might just be your white knight.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Dressing Too Sexy…What’s Underneath It?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

They do want attention, but if you need to ask, then they don’t want it from you.

I don’t wear sexy clothes. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t shave — anything. None of that stopped me from getting sexually assaulted, catcalled, harassed, and stalked. I have suffered because men are sexually attracted to me, and no choice I make will stop this. Refusing to conform to the norms of sexual attractiveness does not stop it. Binding my breasts does not stop it. Being read as gay does not stop it.

So why fucking bother?

If I’m going to be harassed no matter what, why not look good for the people who are respectful and who I might actually want to fuck?

I have spent a long time blaming myself for the harassment I’ve received, and every time that happens, I cut out another part of myself. I stop wearing things that I think I look good in so that I don’t accidentally turn people on. I stop flirting with people, I stop casually affectionate touch in case it is misread. I even stopped consciously recognizing my own sexual desire in case I accidentally communicated it to other people.

I read the saddest email I sent a few years ago:

Your continued affection makes me uncomfortable. It’s the same feeling as when someone I’m not into holds me in a hug too long, or someone I don’t like enough grabs my boob as a joke. It’s a creepy sort of feeling. I don’t look down on you or think of you as a bad person or a fool, but continued conversation with you makes me feel violated in a small way. And it’s ok, I’m willing to tolerate it if it helps you, but your love does not feel good to me and you should know that.

I told someone I was willing to tolerate feeling violated so that they could feel better. And, that’s how I used to look at the word. I felt obligated to suffer to any degree so that male sexuality would not be inconvenienced. I carried immense guilt for men who were attracted to me and whose attractions I did not return. But, my sexuality completely shut down, and I was left unable to form romantic connections to anyone. Being unsexy led to a miserable, sterile dead end.

Why do women wear sexy clothes?

Because women are fucking horny! Because there are few socially acceptable outlets for women to communicate desire, but how they dress is one of them. Because women are looking to get fucked, just like men are.

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Play Together, Stay Together

by RJ Newellin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

gettyWhen kids get bored, they can easily get into trouble. That’s why “go outside and play” is one of the more common phrases parents use. For kids, play is an opportunity to get centered, learn new things, and have fun in a constructive way. But for adults, the word “play” has come to mean something entirely different.

“I don’t play games,” says the woman trying to appear drama-free. 

“I’m not a player,” says the man who wants to earn her trust. 

“Play” for grown-ups sounds like the opposite of fun. But what if I told you that play can actually save your relationship? What if “acting like a child” made your grown-up problems easier to cope with?

Playing together might be the most mature decision you’ve make all day!

Too often, long-term couples smother themselves (and each other) by falling into boring routines. We work, we go home, eat dinner and watch the news, go to sleep, repeat. There’s simply no time for anything else. So we worry we aren’t having sex enough, or talking about our feelings enough. We talk ourselves out of intimacy, and it’s exhausting.

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My favorite antidote for worry is play. Once play becomes a priority, sex and conversation might actually come easier. We all want less frustration and more intimacy. We’d all be happier with fewer wasted moments and more time together. You don’t have to wait for vacation. You can play where you are, right now.

Play is easy, it’s quick, and it’s free. There are a million ways to do it.

When you wake up in the morning, take 5 minutes for a cuddle party. Laugh at your puffy faces and messy hair. Race each other to the bathroom, and have a toothbrush karaoke party. Just be ridiculous. You might feel stupid at first, but that’s what play is: being goofy together, on purpose.

A serious relationship doesn’t actually have to be “serious” 24/7. Happiness doesn’t always appear on its own, so we play to manifest joy.

Challenge each other to do celebrity impressions in the shower. Try making something weird for breakfast. Do ten minutes of Kundalini yoga together – if you don’t know what that is, find a video on Youtube. Those breathing exercises can be pretty hilarious.

Embrace your childlike sense of humor. We may all be adults here, but none of us have to be old.

In the evening, make dinner together and pretend you’re on a cooking show. While you’re eating, ask each other to share embarrassing stories. And if you must watch something, make a game of that, too. My husband and I sometimes take turns picking Youtube videos, and it’s actually super fun! Any cool music you’ve heard, lately? How about the latest viral cat videos? Share the things that make you feel young, goofy, and alive together.

A silly game we like to play is something I call Mystery Records. You know those bins of $1 old records in thrift shops? I like to pick a few artists I’ve never heard of (cheesy matching sweaters on the album cover are definitely a plus), and then play them at home. This makes for some really random dance parties in our living room.

Feel free to create your own silly games. Maybe you could try inventing bizarre recipes using only what you have in your kitchen. Or you could assemble some ugly, dorky outfits and recreate some ‘awkward family photos’ in your dining room. Being weird together is infinitely more fun than being bored or stressed together.

Play doesn’t always require energy. Don’t feel pressure to be ‘fun’ all the time. Sometimes, we’re tired – and that’s okay.

At night, try putting your phones down and talk about things that make you happy. If you’re feeling passionate about a new project, say so! If your partner is doing a great job at work, congratulate them. Share the dumbest jokes you’ve heard all week. Talk yourselves to sleep about the things that make you smile.

Today, if you find yourselves talking in circles about whatever’s bothering you, take a pause for play. This doesn’t mean ignoring your problems; it’s just making them easier to approach later. There are a multitude of possibilities for play in the time you spend together. Trying just one of these things can lead you to even more ideas for creating joy.

When kids get bored or frustrated, we tell them to go play. Deep down, you’re just two kids in love, aren’t you? So go outside, get out of your heads, and play.