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Are You Using the Right Gender Identity Words to Describe Yourself and Others?

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Happy LGBTQ Pride Month!

According to a recent survey, 20 percent of Millennials identify as LGBTQ. LoveTV is proud to celebrate love and conscious connection for all genders, orientations and partnership configurations!

How to talk about identity and sexual preferences without making things awkward.

Male hands painted in LGBT flag making heart on white background

“Hold on…what does gender have to do with love? For those of us who identify as pansexual, the answer is “not a whole lot!” But for the unaware, under-educated and/or totally confused among us, gender can be a tricky subject to discuss on first dates, family gatherings or intimate conversations. To avoid any future awkwardness, how about a quick vocabulary lesson?

Whether you’re looking to learn the basics or reaffirm what you know about yourself or your loved ones, welcome to the conversation. Let’s talk!

Gender Identity 101

Whether you’re exploring for yourself or someone else, the first step in understanding gender topics is familiarizing oneself with the appropriate language. Below are a few common terms to expand your gender vocabulary, with links to further exploration. Feel free to ask questions or share this with others.

Common Terms:

Sex: Regarded by many as the legal and/or medical category one’s genitals fall under. A baby born with a penis is considered legally male. A baby born with a vagina is medically categorized as female. A baby born with genitals not entirely ‘either-or’ is considered intersex. (Fun fact: intersex babies are nearly as common as redheads.)

Gender: Regarded by many as a cultural or social construct, which may or not match one’s legal “sex.” Your gender and sex may match, or they may not. Both may be subject to change.

Gender Identity: This term describes your inner sense of gender. Just as our given names may or may not suit us, our assigned gender may or may not match our identities. But unlike simply changing your name, gender identity is not a choice.

Cisgender: This word is used to describe an individual whose gender identity aligns with the gender assigned at birth. If you’re born with female genitalia, and identify as strictly female, you are considered a cisgender female.

Cisnormative: The assumption that all (or most) people are cisgender. This is a negative term, because regarding cisgender as ‘the norm’ excludes those who are not cisgender. Cisnormative thinking is faulty thinking because it assumes that non-cis people are somehow abnormal.

Nonbinary: Gender is not black or white, male or female, one or the other. To identify as nonbinary means to acknowledge that one falls somewhere on a spectrum, rather than “either-or.” Nonbinary individuals express their identities in diverse ways. This is more of an umbrella term, under which a number of more specific words exist. (See the resource links below for more information.)

Transgender: An individual whose identity does not match the gender assigned to them at birth. (For example, an individual who was born male, but self-identifies as female, is a Transgender woman – whether or not she goes through with surgical reassignment is a personal choice.) In speaking of and to a trans individual, it is important to refer to them according to their preferred gender pronoun, not the one they were born to/grew up with.

Gender Spectrum: Gender is a personal journey. Using the Gender Spectrum in referring to yourself or others is a great way to avoid binary thinking. If “male” is on one end of the spectrum, and “female” is on the other, many people fall somewhere in the middle. You may be closer to one end than the other, but it’s healthy to acknowledge the spectrum for what it is – a sliding scale of individual identity.

Gender Roles: Have you ever watched children play house? If the little girl bakes cookies while the little boy pretends to fix a toy car, they are acting out traditional (and utterly outdated) “roles” assigned to their gender. Reinforcing these stereotypes can be damaging to people of all identities. If the little boy would like to bake cookies while the little girl fixes the car, that’s great! They are simply behaving according to their personal needs and not worrying about ‘playing the part.’ People struggling with their true gender identities may perform assigned gender roles to hide. A more self-accepting individual may wish to disrupt the role they’ve been conditioned to play, if they feel it restricts their identity.

Gender Expression: The way one chooses to present their gender identity. Gender can be expressed in clothing, movement, makeup, speech, creative endeavors and more. Sometimes, gender expression is forced (see: Gender Roles). Other times, gender expression unfolds naturally as the individual grows up and evolves. How you express your gender may be different from your partner, and that’s great!

Gender Attribution: How others perceive one’s gender, from the outside looking in. If strangers perceive me as cisgender, but I identify as nonbinary, then they’re viewing me from a binary (cisnormative) perspective. Gender Attribution can present many problems for transgender individuals, especially before or during transition. Regardless of where one falls on the spectrum, Gender Attribution can be an issue. It’s important for allies (of all genders, cultures and groups) to be open to diversity in others.

Ally: The Queer Dictionary defines an Ally as “a person who is not a member of an oppressed group but who supports civil rights and social movements associated with the group. An ally acknowledges his or her position of relative privilege and uses that position to create change within the larger culture and society.

Allies are important, no matter where on the spectrum you lie. Whether you identify as cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, etc – you can be an ally to others. This list of common terms is only the beginning – let this be your conversation starter!

If you’d like more information on gender identity, LGBTQ rights and more, here are some helpful resources:

The Queer Dictionary
The Trever Project
GLAAD Resources

Do you have a resource to recommend? Please share in the comments, below. Additional comments, thoughts and personal stories are always welcome, too!

Happy Pride Month, beloved readers. Your identity is worth celebrating!

Dating Deal Breaker: Animal Abuse

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets.

Deal breakers. Most of us can think of at least one or two things that could immediately change the way we feel about our partners. Cheating, for me, is a deal breaker. Physical violence is also a deal breaker. Robbing a daycare is definitely a deal breaker for me, but that’s a story for another day. Point is – most of us have them. But some deal breakers may not be immediately clear, or even what you’d think to look out for.

Here’s one red flag you should consider: How does your partner treat their pets?

Michael* was a dreamy dude. He had all the qualities I thought I wanted at the time: good looks, a great job, big dreams, and a stellar sense of adventure. He was the kind of man I imagined would help an old woman cross the street, or return a lost wallet. It felt right to imagine him saving kittens from trees. He was just that kind of guy!

I was in for a nasty surprise.

After a few formal dates, Michael invited me over for a casual evening of movies and food – two out of three of my favorite things! Imagine how excited I was when I found that he also had my third favorite thing…a tiny little dog named Dino.

After my first introduction with Dino, Michael promptly put him in his crate. It was late at night, so I figured that yes, Dino slept in his crate. But less than five minutes into Netflix and Chill, Dino started to whimper. Then Michael began to yell.

“Shut UP!” he screamed at the trembling dog. This was no exaggeration – he truly screamed as if the house were on fire. But there was no fire, only a tiny, fearful dog. Dino obeyed his commands for a few moments…during which Michael told me (with a smile) that “Dino does this all the time.”

I was already uncomfortable, but tried to shrug it off. Perhaps Michael was having a bad day? I tried hard just to stare at the movie, to get through this evening, until…

“I’m gonna kill him, I swear,” Michael growled. He paused the movie and stood up. At that point, Dino looked like he was having a panic attack. A tiny, trembling panic attack. Michael walked over and kicked Dino’s crate so hard that it moved. The dog’s face bounced backward from the impact on metal.

“Michael!” I gasped. “Why did you do that?” He shrugged and resumed watching the movie. I sat as far away from him on the couch as I could. I couldn’t concentrate on the drama onscreen when there was clearly too much in the room. It wasn’t long before Dino was crying again, and I winced at every whine.

I watched Michael walk over again, open the crate, and grab the dog’s face with clenched fingers.

“I’d smack you to the moon, if the lady wasn’t here,” he threatened, with a disturbingly flirty side-eye toward me. There went my fantasy of Michael as an old lady helper and kitten-saver. This guy was a monster.

From across the room, I stared into Dino’s watery eyes and saw a future in them. A future I’d do anything to avoid.

According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable and the Animal Defense Fund, there is a strong link between animal abuse and domestic violence. Upon entering shelters, many victims of domestic abuse report that their abuser has brought physical harm to family pets as well as their partners and children. A third of victims also report that their children have harmed animals too, as a way to win approval from the abuser and/or avoid violence toward themselves. Animal cruelty investigations often lead to (and go hand in hand with) long-term domestic violence.

Animal abusers harm animals as a way to impose control over others. Perhaps Dino was Michael’s way of expressing his need to dominate at all costs, and the impact of seeing his actions on me led to feelings of fear, isolation and responsibility. After less than an hour at Michael’s house, I feared that the dog would suffer more if I broke up with him.

To say Michael’s animal abuse was a “dealbreaker” might be an understatement. That incident unraveled everything I thought about the people I dated. I found myself analyzing how my ex-partners had treated their pets. At the beginning of every first date from then on, I made sure to bring pets into the conversation. I would never again date someone who mistreated animals.

Animal abuse is abuse, end of story. And if you find yourself in this situation, there are things you can do.

  1. Put your own safety first. If you fear violence from a partner or family member, call your local or national domestic abuse help line immediately (find your local help line here). This first part is important. You won’t be able to help the animal(s) if your life and well-being are at risk. Once you’re certain that you’re safe, move on to number 2:
  2. If you suspect an animal is in danger, call your local shelter, veterinarian or law enforcement. Animal cruelty is a crime. The end.
  3. If you are able to remove the animal from the situation, arrange a temporary living arrangement with a friend, family member or animal rescue. You’re not alone in wanting to help.

Animal abuse is one of those major red flags that you might not find until well after the first date. Luckily, there’s some new legislation (gaining buzz across the United States) aiming to legalize Animal Abuse Registries. In the way that you might find convicted US sex offenders on your local database, animal abusers may soon join the list. According to Shared.com, “Tennessee is the only state [so far] to have an animal offenders registry, but other cities like New York and Cook County, Illinois have them at a local level.” (Link) If you’d like similar laws passed in your area, contact your elected officials and let them know!

What do you think about animal abuse as a deal breaker? Share your thoughts with us, below. 

*Certain names have been changed for anonymity and legal purposes.

Not All Domestic Abusers Are Men

by RJ Newellin Mind

It’s far too easy to overlook that cruelty has no gender.

I used to share an apartment with a committed, monogamous couple. John* was nice, albeit a little moody at times. His girlfriend Jenny was generally polite… to me. But the way she treated her partner was unacceptable. At times, it was downright abusive.

Imagine what would happen if I found John pushing Jenny into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping her in the face. I’d immediately call the police, even if Jenny begged me not to. I’d have seen this scenario on TV enough to know that Jenny was a victim.

But when my other roommate and I walked in on Jenny pushing John into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping him, we didn’t know what to do. John was bigger and stronger than Jenny, we thought. If he was “letting her do this,” then he must have done something to deserve it…right? Wrong.

As the months went on, Jenny’s abusive behavior continued. My other roommate and I avoided going home at all costs, hoping they’d just “sort it out somehow.” Eventually, I moved out. John continued to be victimized until he somehow mustered the courage to leave.

Months later, Jenny had a new boyfriend… and her pattern of abuse continued. In a chance meeting, I finally confronted her. “Why do you treat your partners like this?”

She grinned and said, “A real man can handle it.” 

My jaw dropped. “What would you do if he pushed you away?”

“Call the police,” she replied. “Duh.”

This exchange was shocking for several reasons. First, she genuinely thought she had a right to physically hurt men, while they had no right to defend themselves. Second, she used toxic stereotypes to her advantage, emasculating her partners if they couldn’t “handle” her abuse. Third… her new boyfriend was right there. Listening. Saying nothing.

Why did he (or John) put up with this woman’s abuse? The same reason people stay with violent male partners: they’re under the abusers’ control.

The majority of convicted domestic abusers are male, but cruelty has no gender.

As right as our legal systems are in doing what they can to protect women, what resources are there for men? If John were to ask his male friends for advice, would they just laugh it off? And if he were to call the police, would he be taken seriously?

I saw this same dynamic with a lesbian couple I was once close with in college.

Maria came to class with bruises on her upper arms. She laughed it off, saying her girlfriend got jealous over a text message and “pushed me around a little.” Was this abuse? Yes. But because her partner was a woman, Maria said it felt “silly to make it a problem.”

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner. Studies have also estimated that 1 in 7 men will be victims of “severe” physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.

Not all of these “intimate partners” are male. But because male perpetrators are more common, female abusers have learned to rationalize their behavior as permissible – and people around them do, too.

How do abusive women rationalize their bad behavior?

A simple Google search presented some alarming results. Even on social websites like Jezebel, where gender equality is said to be valued, posts like this one present female-on-male domestic abuse as acceptable – even humorous. 

With all the progress we’ve made for feminism and gender equality, why do we continue to overlook abuse?

Just a few generations ago, it was still legal and “acceptable” for men to beat and rape their wives in the United States. It was supposedly the man’s “right” to exert physical violence if he thought it was “necessary,” and it was the woman’s “place” to take it, especially if she somehow “deserved it.” Reading this, I couldn’t help but remember Jenny’s chilling rationalization of her violence toward John.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault, regardless of gender, status, or personal disagreement.

Domestic abuse toward women was legal and seen as “acceptable” until victims and allies stood up together to do something to stop it. Today, male-on-female domestic abuse is still a problem, but it’s not “okay” or “humorous” in most modern circles. So why is abuse toward men seen this way?

Why the double standard?

I don’t know why female abusers continue to fly under the radar, especially with so many groups advocating for equality. But I do know that those of us who have seen it happen – and done nothing to stop it – have become part of the problem.

Female abusers are less likely than men to be reported or even labeled as “abusers” by bystanders. But they’re not any less dangerous.

Sometimes, all it takes is one phone call to ultimately save a life. By waiting for the victim to “do something about it,” we are putting the blame on them while allowing the perpetrator to continue in crime.

“…Women tend to abuse men differently than men abuse women,” Victoria Ramos writes for PsychCentral. “Women generally favor emotional abuse tactics, making the abuse much more difficult to detect.”

Dr. Jill Murray, an expert on destructive relationships, has shared some crucial concepts to understand about domestic abusers:

  • Abuse is a learned behavior. It is learned from seeing it used as an effective tool of control—usually in the home in which [s]he grew up.
  • Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event.
  • It is not normal to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship.
  • Abusers deny that abuse has occurred or make light of an abusive episode.
  • Abusers blame the victim, other people, or outside events for the abusive attack.
  • Abusers don’t act because they are out of control. They choose to respond to a situation violently. They are making a conscious decision to behave in an abusive manner.
  • Abusers know what they are doing and what they want [from their partner].
  • Abusers act out of a need for control and domination, not anger.
  • Abusers are not reacting to stress.
  • Abusers may at times be loving and gentle, charming and engaging, hard workers and good students.

A physically or emotionally violent relationship is not about love. It’s control, it’s abuse, and it’s wrong. If you are a victim of domestic violence, don’t wait to reach out for help. It’s not your job to change your abusive partner. Your only responsibility is to keep yourself safe — even if you love them, and even if they’re sorry. Domestic abusers can (and should) seek help from professionals. But your only responsibility is to seek help for yourself.

Resources For Help:

Educational Resources:

No matter your gender (or theirs), you are not alone. LoveTV welcomes thoughts, comments, and perspectives from victims and families of all identities, orientations, and relationship configurations. Let’s keep this conversation going. Share your thoughts or questions below!

*John and Jenny’s names have been changed to protect their anonymity.