My Therapist Ultimatum
Honestly I probably could have gone on like that for a while, the only real reason I even remotely considered taking a break from drinking was because my therapist made a gentle but firm suggestion to do so. I resisted, and eventually he told me that if I could not cut alcohol out of my life, he could not help me, and he would end treatment if that were the case. That was right after my birthday, and I resented him for the threat and for not not wishing me happy birthday. One, rude. Two, of course I’m going to get tanked on my thirtieth birthday, it’s my THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY. It only happens once.
My therapist and I have a funny relationship. He’s relational in his approach so most days he feels like a friend, but some days he feels like a dad, or a judgmental boyfriend, or a probation officer. Ultimately he’s there to help me learn how to build a healthy relationship with a man. When I started seeing him, I had a habit of rushing into things with people—I just wanted to get to the good part, where we’re boyfriend and girlfriend and there’s no uncertainty between us. Moreover I wanted to be able to show all of my friends and family that I could be in a healthy relationship. In hindsight it was a lot of pressure on both me and the guy, so of course it always fell through. And when that happened (like every other month), I’d allow myself an emotional drinking binge to drown my sorrows. My therapist, even though I resent him sometimes, has taught me how to slow things down and be more curious about my own inner life.
No Thanks, I’m Not Drinking Right Now
So finally, I decided to get sober… after one last glass of a beautiful orange wine I was offered. It was orange wine season! I couldn’t say no. So after that last glass, I decided to really give sobriety a shot.
November 9 2016 was Day One for me. Over time, I found that it felt good to wake up without a hangover. I’d wake up in a neutral to positive head space instead of wallowing in last night’s actions. It felt REALLY good to wake up in my own bed alone knowing full well how I got there, and not having some regrettable partner lying next to me.
As time went on, I found that even though I’d still meet up with friends in bars to hang out and drink seltzer, I felt increasingly isolated. The more I tried to maintain my former social habits, the more I realized how inextricably tied they were to my drinking habits. Especially the love stuff. Talking to new men was… not happening, to say the least. When it did happen, the inevitable offer of an alcoholic beverage would come up, to which I was trying out different responses: “No thanks, I’m not drinking right now…” “…I don’t drink…” “…I’m just taking a little break from alcohol…“…I am sober!” (To be honest the last response has the lowest success rate in a bar. Shocker.)