Personally, I’ve always prioritized sex, but I never saw myself as a super sexual person, because of the lack of penetration in my life. However, I quickly discovered that my love for sex and my inability to have vaginal sex could coexist pretty peaceably. With my open-minded partner’s encouragement, I dove into exploring all kinds of sex, toys, kinks, and terms to our relationship (which is currently open). Not being able to experience penetration definitely leads us to seek more creative ways of having sex, ones that are always fun and involve many trips to Babeland. In place of penetration, we opt for bondage, mutual masturbation, and tons of oral sex.

“I think a lot of people get the idea that because we don’t have penetrative sex there’s not much for us to do in bed,” Skylar tells me. “But to me, it felt like the complete opposite, because we were forced to think of other ways to pleasure each other that was not the vanilla P-in-the-V routine. Now, I was doing things I had never done in bed before, and never before had I had as much oral sex than I do now — which, to me, is the most pleasurable type of sex.”

Despite our few efforts, and my private treatment with a dilator kit, we haven’t been able to have vaginal sex together. Over time, I do hope to be able to have vaginal sex with my partner if I get to a point where penetration is possible and feels pleasurable. This is mostly out of curiosity, and stemming from my inclination to constantly try new things in the bedroom. But in the meantime, that really hasn’t affected our sex life, the satisfaction we get from each other, or the vast territory we explore as sex partners in the slightest. I agree that our sex life is definitely more exciting and pleasurable than some of my friends’ due to the multitude of orgasms and endless ways that we make love to one another.

Now, I’m not saying that I think vaginal sex is obsolete, or that it’s dumb for people with vaginismus to complain about their ability to have that kind of sex. Because having these limitations can be super difficult, especially with our society putting as much focus on vaginal sex as it does. However, my limitations don’t limit my pleasure very much in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like it’s a great education tool for people I’m having sex with in learning all the (maybe a little unconventional) ways to pleasure someone without the classic penetration. I’m completely satisfied with my sex life, and I look forward to getting kinky with my partner on the daily. My partner and I both genuinely enjoy our time in the bedroom together, and lovingly move around my disability to accommodate my comfort without giving it a second thought.

I get frustrated sometimes, of course, but my journey with vaginismus is my own and tied to intensely personal and traumatic experiences that I’m working through in therapy. I feel grateful that my partner is sympathetic to that, and understands that vaginal sex is not to be prioritized over my mental health or healing process. I look forward to the day I can be penetrated, allowing to add yet another thing to our exciting and ever-changing sexual repertoire. For now, I’ll just continue to have mind-blowing sex with my loving partner.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article