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How Much Sex is Healthy?

April 8, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Dancing the Horizontal Mambo

As a sexual addiction and intimacy disorders specialist, I am often asked about the frequency of sex. Couples want to know what is “healthy.” Usually, they’re afraid they’re either having way too much sex or not nearly enough. Either way, it’s a legitimate concern that can easily lead to stress, anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues and even the end of an otherwise successful relationship. A quick online search will bring up a huge volume of statistics — most of them not scientifically generated — regarding the frequency of sex among long-term, committed couples. The numbers presented in these “studies” vary widely, depending on the source and what the author is trying to promote. So in this instance, Google, Yahoo, Bing and similar search engines are somewhat useless.

Probably the best source for scientifically reliable data on this topic comes fromGeneral Social Survey, which has tracked American sexual behaviors since the 1970s. According to the GSS, married couples have sex an average of 58 times per year. However, this number lumps 25-year-old newlyweds into the same pool as senior citizens who’ve celebrated their golden anniversary, and it does not include unmarried long-term couples. There may or may not be much difference in the sexual behaviors of married and unmarried committed couples, but there is almost certainly a difference between young newlyweds and their grandparents, which means the 58 times per year number is not overly-meaningful. Recent GSS surveys support this assertion, showing that couples in their 20s have sex 111 times per year on average, with frequency dropping steadily, about 20 percent per decade, as couples age. In other words, young couples have sex slightly more than twice per week on average, with the number declining steadily over time.

OMG! My Numbers Are Off!

If you just read the statistics provided above and thought, “Uh-oh, there is something wrong with me/us,” you’re not alone. Maybe you and your partner have done it 10 times this week and it’s only Tuesday, or maybe you’ve not been physically intimate since your neighbor’s last Fourth of July party. Either way, there is no need to freak out. You’re not necessarily hyper-sexed if you’re well above the norm, nor are you automatically under-sexed if you’re far below the norm. Human sexual arousal patterns cut a very wide swath in terms of what people like to do and how often they like to do it. And frequency of sexual arousal and behavior can be influenced by any number of factors, including:
• Age
• Life circumstances
• Physical and emotional health
• Medications
• Having children at home
• Hormonal imbalance
• Recent losses and grief
• Substance use and abuse
• Workload and stress
• Relationship status
• A history of previous trauma or abuse
• Diminished physical attraction and a corresponding lack of intimacy
• Secrets and lack of relationship trust

The simple truth is that everyone is different and there is not a “norm” for sexual behavior. Some people are heterosexual; others are homosexual or bisexual. Some people are into a fetish or kink; others are relatively “vanilla.” Some people like to get it on a lot; others can take it or leave it. That’s the way it is, that’s who we are and there is nothing inherently right or wrong with any of it. As long as your sexual behavior (or lack of it) isn’t illegal, affecting your self-esteem, troubling to your relationship or leading to negative life consequences, why worry?

Sexless and Happy? Really? Sure. Maybe.

People who are having a lot of sex are usually pretty OK with that. Typically, they only worry about things if they are sexually addicted and their carnal compulsivity is causing problems. Frankly, most couples who worry about frequency of sex tend to fear their frequency is significantly below the curve, so to speak. This is especially true for couples who qualify as “sexless.”

Generally speaking, a sexless marriage is one in which a committed couple has sex less than 10 times per year. About 15 to 20 percent of long-term couples fall into this category. This may or may not be an issue, depending on the couple. Some couples, especially older pairs who’ve been together a long time, are perfectly fine with once or twice a year or even not at all, thank you very much. Not having sex doesn’t mean these couples aren’t deeply in love, monogamously committed and happy together. It just means that sex isn’t as high a priority for them as it is for some of their friends, neighbors or people they see on TV and in the movies.

That said, many couples do find infrequent sex to be an issue. In fact, numerousstudies have shown that lack of sex corresponds directly with marital instability and thoughts of leaving a relationship. Sometimes one person’s sex drive just doesn’t match his or her partner’s sex drive. This issue often arises in couples counseling. Sometimes both partners want to be sexual, but one (or both) is not interested in sex with his or her spouse. This can be caused by any number of factors, including lingering resentments, lack of emotional intimacy, diminished physical attraction, differing sexual interests, etc. Lack of sexual interest may also be the result of an underlying psychological condition such as depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol addiction, a behavioral addiction, low self-esteem, unresolved childhood trauma, an attachment deficit disorder, etc. And there is always the possibility that one partner may be having an affair. Let’s face it: If a person is getting his or her sexual needs met on the side (with regular porn use or in-vivo), he or she is likely to be less interested in sex at home.

Should You Be Worried?

Happily, less sex does not automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfillment. For most couples, especially those who’ve been together for a number of years, companionship, reliability and a sense of mutual trust are far more meaningful than a lot of hot, sweaty sex. Sure, there are couples out there who’ve been married for 30 years who’re still hot for each other, and good for them. For the rest of us, our libidos tend to droop in tandem with our aging body parts. Diminishing hormone levels, the aging process
and the distractions of life tend to lower our sex drives (and our ability to perform), and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.

Of course, if you and your partner have gone several weeks or even months without sex and the lack of activity is troubling you, you may want to consider some changes. Usually a little bit of effort is enough to revive a flagging sex life, especially if the emotional connection between you and your partner remains strong. Often in such cases the real issue is that things have gone a little stale. If you find that to be the case in your relationship, try one or more of the following tips:

• Schedule it. Sure, this sounds horribly unromantic, but really it’s quite the opposite. Setting aside and committing to a time to be emotionally and physically intimate gives you and your partner something to look forward to. Plan a relaxing shower and mutual massage as part of foreplay. After all, who doesn’t look forward to a massage? Couples who search together for the right scent of massage oil are off to a great start.
• Mix it up. Perhaps you’ve always had that special secret fantasy, but you’ve never mentioned it or acted on it. Now is the time to talk about it with your partner. Who knows, maybe he or she is willing to try it. And be sure to ask about his or her secret fantasy. It might be a turn-on for you, too. Just make sure that if you both say yes, you really mean to say yes. No regrets, please.
• Go away. If you’ve always done it in the bedroom, try the kitchen, or a hotel, or a cruise ship, or a cabin in the woods. It’s amazing what a little change of venue can do for a stale sex life. Many couples take frequent weekends or holidays just for this purpose.
• Be romantic. Give your partner a gift “just because.” Write a list of things you love about your partner and give it to him or her. Plan a surprise date that involves an activity you know your partner enjoys (even if it’s not your favorite thing to do). Take your art-lover wife to a museum, your sports-junkie husband to a pro football game.

It is also important to recognize that you and your partner can be physically intimate without actually having sex. Holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, cuddling, spooning, massage and just taking the time to listen to your loved one’s feelings can all serve to build emotional closeness. Plus, all of the above are terrific forms of sexual foreplay should you wish to go all the way.

Still Striking Out?

If you’ve tried the above tips and things still aren’t happening, you may want to seek the assistance of a medical doctor and/or a couple’s counselor. It is wise to rule out any potential physical or medical problems before considering relationship-based or psychological issues. If the problem is physical- – erectile dysfunction, for instance — medication may help. If it turns out the problem is not medical/physical, trained sex therapists can talk you through the emotional and psychological issues that may be holding you back. These caring professionals can be found via websites likewww.aasect.org.

The most important thing to remember here is that sex is not the be-all, end-all in relationships. Yes, it is a healthy way for couples to bond emotionally. As such, a regular sex life can be an important contributor to overall health and happiness. That said, non-genital touch, massage, hugs, holding, talking and emotional intimacy are every bit as effective as sex in terms of developing closeness and relationship trust. They just come without any fireworks at the end. As long as both partners in a relationship are open about their feelings and physical needs and both are satisfied with the frequency and quality of their sexuality, the couple can not only survive, but thrive.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

The Scientifically Proven Best Way To Kiss

April 8, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Watch

I think we can all agree that when it comes to love and romance, it definitely takes two to tango. Sometimes, from the moment you lock eyes with that guy you’ve been crushing on, it can be hard to think about anything else except when you’ll have the perfect fairytale. But according to Buzzfeed’s video, a staggering 59% of students “have said their initial attraction ended after the first kiss.”:

Even though it sounds crazy (and a bit ridiculous, to be honest) that a kiss was the be-all end-all for some, it sort of makes sense. No matter how head over heels we are for someone, having anot so satisfactory kiss would put a damper on things. But if you’ve been wondering what tips and tricks will send sparks everytime, learning how to kiss the right way (according to science!) is the first step.

Girls, not only is eye contact a major difference between a dud and a success, employing tactics that’ll make it last will work in your favor. After all, “Your lips have one of the largest concentration of nerves than anywhere else on the body. These nerves send millions of signals to both you and your partners brains, releasing a rush of feel good hormones…This hormonal and chemical exchange will help you and your partner decide to pursue something more.”

So get ready to pucker up and put your skills to the test.

Original Article

Everyday Secrets of Happy Couples

April 7, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin LOVE

Relationships take work…but also crazy fun. These secrets to maintaining a happy relationship will not only strengthen the bond between you and your partner, but you’ll have a little bit of fun to go with it!

10 Ways to Get More Intimate With Your Partner

April 7, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin SEX TIPS

Honesty and communication make up the foundation for a healthy relationship. But, what exactly does it take to achieve these things? According to certified Sexologist Jaiya Hanauer, there are 10 important ways to build intimacy and make a deeper connection with your partner.

1. MAKING EYE CONTACT

The eyes are the doorways to a connected sex life. Although it may feel a little funny at first, making eye contact during sex tells your partner that all your attention is on him. It builds trust, which ultimately leads to a stronger sexual and emotional bond.

2. TOUCHING

Touching each other throughout the day builds longing for each other. Massaging, stroking, and caressing all produces oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical. To build a deeper connection, try touching each other without having sex. Build up the tension for a few days to make your next intimate an explosive encounter.

3. BREATHING

We do it automatically everyday but most of us don’t realize that breathing is a way to heighten pleasure and arousal. When you breathe deeper, you bring more oxygen into the body, which allows you to be aroused at greater heights. Alternating your breath as you breathe into each other’s mouths is an intimate exercise that has been used in ancient traditions as a way to share the soul.

4. EXPLICIT TALK

The simple act of sending a sweet text message or complimenting your lover can send blood rushing into the genitals. Not only does it build anticipation, but will also keep your partner thinking about you all day.

5. SETTING THE SCENE

Nothing breaks the mood like cell phones blaring and clutter all over your bedroom. Set the scene for intimacy with sensual music, candles, clean sheets and a shift in environment. Don’t limit intimacy to the bedroom only, you can also create a stage for an encore performance in the living room or kitchen. Think of sex as a theatrical piece—you need the right lighting, right mood and sets. Stimulating your creativity as you prepare actually stimulates the sexual drive.

6. DOING SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY

Taking the time out to do things for your lover that shows that you care and respect his feelings is very important. Plan to go to his favorite restaurant, run a simple errand for him or cook him an exquisite meal. Doing something for him out of the blue will surely increase the love he has for you.

7. TRYING SOMETHING NEW

Many couples get into patterns when it comes to sex. To break free of the bedroom doldrums, do something adventurous. Take a class together at a sex boutique, go skydiving or do something else that you have never done in bed before, but have always wanted to try.

8. SENSUAL FEATS

Creating a romantic dinner together with specific foods can actually form deeper bonds. Chocolate, for example, contains the chemical Phenethylamine (PEA) which is responsible for the feeling of being in love. Avocados boost both the male and female libido.

9. ROLE PLAYING

Using your imagination always gives a great boost to your sex life. If you consciously take on a fantasy role in the bedroom, the level of intimacy is heightened when you come back to your more traditional roles in the relationship. Try role-playing as an erotic masseuse and client or as a captor and captive.

10. ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE VULNERABLE

In today’s world, women are becoming stronger than ever and it takes a lot to let down our guards, especially if we’ve been hurt before. But, letting the walls around you melt and allowing your partner to penetrate you emotionally and physically are some of the best things you can do in a relationship. Share your deepest feelings with him and allow him to get to know all the different facets of your personality.

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

8 Ways Hugging is Great For You

April 6, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Hugs make you feel good for a reason and it’s not just the loving embrace that gives us that warm feeling in our hearts. It’s much more. It affects the entire body to such an extent that many scientists claim it is equivalent to the effect of many different drugs operating on the body simultaneously. Even seemingly trivial instances of interpersonal touch can help people deal with their emotions with clarity and more effectively.

1. REDUCE WORRY OF MORTALITY
In a study on fears and self-esteem, research published in the journal Psychological Science revealed that hugs and touch significantly reduce worry of mortality. The studies found that hugging — even if it was just an inanimate object like a teddy bear — helps soothe individuals’ existential fears. “Interpersonal touch is such a powerful mechanism that even objects that simulate touch by another person may help to instill in people a sense of existential significance,” lead researcher Sander Koole wrote in the study.

2. STIMULATES OXYTOCIN
Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that acts on the limbic system, the brain’s emotional centre, promoting feelings of contentment, reducing anxiety and stress, and even making mammals monogamous. It is the hormone responsible for us all being here today. You see this little gem is released during childbirth, making our mothers forget about all of the excruciating pain they endured expelling us from their bodies and making them want to still love and spend time with us. New research from the University of California suggests that it has a similarly civilizing effect on human males, making them more affectionate and better at forming relationships and social bonding. And it dramatically increased the libido and sexual performance of test subjects. More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate. The chemical has also been linked tosocial bonding. “Oxytocin is a neuropeptide, which basically promotes feelings of devotion, trust and bonding,” DePauw University psychologist Matt Hertenstein told NPR. “It really lays the biological foundation and structure for connecting to other people.” When we hug someone, oxytocin is released into our bodies by our pituitary gland, lowering both our heart rates and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone responsible for stress, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

3. LOWERS HEART RATE
Embracing someone may warm your heart, but according to one study a hug can be good medicine for it too: In an experiment at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill , participants who didn’t have any contact with their partners developed a quickened heart rate of 10 beats per minute compared to the five beats per minute among those who got to hug their partners during the experiment.
4. STIMULATES DOPAMINE
Everything everyone does involves protecting and triggering dopamine flow. Many drugs of abuse act through this system. Problems with the system can lead to serious depression and other mental illness. Low dopamine levels also play a role in the neurodegenerative disease Parkinson’s as well as mood disorders such as depression. Procrastination, self-doubt, and lack of enthusiasm are linked with low levels of dopamine and hugs are said to adjust those levels. Dopamine is responsible for giving us that feel-good feeling, and it’s also responsible for motivation! Hugs stimulate brains to release dopamine, the pleasure hormone. MRI and PET scans reveal that when you hugs people or listen to music that excites you, your brain releases dopamine and even in anticipation of those moments. Dopamine sensors are the areas that many stimulating drugs such as cocaine and methamphetamine target. The presence of a certain kinds of dopamine receptors are also associated with sensation-seeking.

5. STIMULATES SEROTONIN
Serotonin flows when you feel significant or important. Loneliness and depression appears when serotonin is absent. It’s perhaps one reason why people fall into gang and criminal activity — the culture brings experiences that facilitate serotonin release. Reaching out and hugging releases endorphins and serotonin into the blood vessels and the released endorphins and serotonin cause pleasure and negate pain and sadness and decrease the chances of getting heart problems, helps fight excess weight and prolongs life. Even the cuddling of pets has a soothing effect that reduces the stress levels. Hugging for an extended time lifts one’s serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.

6. WELL-HUGGED BABIES ARE LESS STRESSED AS ADULTS
Want to do something for future generations? Hug them when they’re still little. An Emory University study in rats found a link between touch and relieving stress, particularly in the early stages of life. The research concluded that the same can be said of humans, citing that babies’ development — including how they cope with stress as adults — depends on a combination of nature andnurture.

7. PARASYMPATHETIC BALANCE
Hugs balance out the nervous system. The skin contains a network of tiny, egg-shaped pressure centres called Pacinian corpuscles that can sense touch and which are in contact with the brain through the vagus nerve. The galvanic skin response of someone receiving and giving a hug shows a change in skin conductance. The effect in moisture and electricity in the skin suggests a more balanced state in the nervous system – parasympathetic.

8. ENHANCE IMMUNE SYSTEM
Research shows that the hug hormones above are immuno-regulatory. All of this has an even deeper meaning on the way our systems work with each other, including our immune system. his also parallels with the way that hugs promote the relaxation response — they help to change the way your body handles both physical and social stresses, thus boosting your immune system naturally, to do the job it was designed to do!

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

Lubing Up Your Relationship: 5 Steps For Better Communication

April 6, 2015January 22, 2024 by Frankie Symmsin RELATIONSHIPS, Sex

We’ve all been there–unexpected friction, dryness, and chafing, preventing us and our significant other from reaching completion. We can try to push through, hoping that mere effort will win the day. We can give up, hoping that the same problem won’t plague us on our next attempt. Or we can take action by applying a restorative balm and rescuing ourselves from discomfort and failure.

While the above could certainly refer to the physical act of lovemaking, it also applies to the less salacious aspects of a relationship as well. Communication is the non-sexual lubricant that every romantic partnership needs to flourish.

Naturally, not all communication is created equal. Just like sticky drugstore lube is no match for a designer water-based brand, some communication will set your relationship back rather than helping you and your partner to grow and flourish together.

Here are some tips to keep your communication–and your relationship–silky smooth.

Keep Communication Smooth

In our hyper-connected world, sometimes it can be tough to make sure you’re making time for high-quality, in-person communication with your partner. If your communication has dwindled to a few pleasantries over breakfast, an occasional flurry of daytime texts, and a couple of exhausted attempts to chat before bed, it may be time to reconsider your approach. Set aside a special “date night” every week and pledge not to look at your phone—you’ll be surprised how much you still have to talk about! Alternatively, set up a short weekly “check-in” with your partner to make sure you’re communicating about household issues, personal growth and work goals, and see how that impacts the amount of communication you have with each other throughout the day. If time is an issue, look for activities you can do together to maximize your opportunity to chat—exercise, cook a meal, take a class.

Honesty Lubrication

Whether you’re discussing pop culture, division of household duties, or finances, it’s always a good idea to be truthful. This establishes a baseline of trust and accountability between partners, and in addition, eliminates potential sources for conflict before they arise. If you and your other half have different communication styles, acknowledge this openly, and figure out ways you can both feel heard, but still comfortable.

Glide into kindness

When you and your partner first started dating, it’s likely that you both let compliments fly fast and furious. However, it’s easy to forget how good it feels to give and receive compliments once the initial rush of a new relationship has worn off and both partners get caught up in the grind of daily life. A simple “hey, handsome” or comment about an attractive outfit can go a long way to injecting some fun back into the relationship, and praise for a job well-done, whether it’s mopping the floor or closing a deal at work, is always a boost.

Keep Language Smooth

What you may think of as a playful joke may come across to your partner as a thoughtless comment or worse, a harsh criticism. Keep an eye out for unexpected reactions and be proactive in asking whether or not you’ve said something to upset your partner. This is a two way street—if you’re on the receiving end of not-so-nice behavior, make sure your partner knows how you feel so you can work toward interactions that make everyone happy.

Soothing the Rough Edges

All couples experience disagreements, arguments, and fights, but the couples who stay together approach these difficult times as opportunities for growth rather than a death knell for the relationship. If emotions are running high, don’t be afraid to ask for a temporary “cease fire” so everyone can calm down and think more rationally about how to solve the problem. Find ways to balance negative feedback with positive and enter into any discussion willing to accept constructive criticism as well as dishing it out. If you can’t get on the same page as your partner on an important issue, consider seeking counseling—sometimes a neutral, third party can ease the way to a resolution.

When in doubt, just remind yourself: the couple that talks together stays together!

Top 5 Foods That Make Sex Better

April 3, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin LOVE

What if we told you the secret to better sex started with what you eat? Try these 5 foods to get more pleasure out of your intimacy!

1. Eggs

Eat them however you like -fried, boiled or poached. Eggs are high in protein and low in calories, which helps build up stamina.

2. Butterfruits/Avocado

They are high in vitamin E & monounsaturated fats that are good for your heart and blood ciruculation. Both of which are important for a healthy sex life, especially for guys. Avocado also helps avoid erectile dysfunction.

3.Almonds

They are packed with important vitamins and minerals, specifically zinc that is great for male sex hormones and helps boost libido.

4. Watermelon

This fruit contains a certain compound that helps relax blood vessels leading to better circulation and lubrication during sex. Also, they are a great source of water.

5. Celery

It is a pheromone precursor. Pheromones are chemical signals that are released through sweat glands.They subconsciously affect the behaviour and attraction of the opposite sex. So heighten the attraction to the opposite sex with some celery.

Curated by Erbe

10 Lessons About Marriage You Can Learn From Divorce

April 2, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin RELATIONSHIPS

Unfortunately, I know a thing or two about divorce. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties, and my first marriage ended in divorce after 13 years. Even my closest friends all have parents who are divorced.

So when my marriage ended, I thought that having a successful marriage wasn’t in the cards for me. But as luck would have it, I ended up meeting and marrying a man who is not just an amazing person, but a top-notch husband. My second marriage has been my version of Happily Ever After.

What I’ve learned from my experiences of divorce and remarriage, and from observing other couples, is that every couple has the ability to have a successful marriage. Marital success has nothing to do with education, economics or social status. In fact, if ever there was an even playing field, it is in this area.

Having a successful marriage is all about the choices we make every minute of every day. Marriages fail when spouses make poor choices as to how they are going to treat each other. It isn’t more complicated than that. So here are some of my insights about marriage (some learned the hard way) and how you can make good choices and have your own happily ever after…

Lesson #1: Remember that it isn’t your job to make your spouse happy. Your job is to help create an environment in which your spouse can be happy. That means get your act together and be a dependable partner. That means don’t create unnecessary stress or conflict in your marriage. That means genuinely love and encourage your spouse. After that, whether or not they are happy is up to them.

Lesson #2: It helps immensely if you and your spouse have a spiritual practice. Your choice of religion doesn’t really matter. Simply following any spiritual teaching that reinforces the importance of love, compassion and forgiveness, will inspire both of you to treat each other far better than you would otherwise.

Lesson #3: If you are married, that fact should be part of your public persona. Wear your wedding ring. Talk about your spouse in glowing terms to your colleagues and friends. Being married should be part of who you are.

Lesson #4: You can always find someone smarter, more attractive or more successful than your spouse. Remember: your spouse can do the same. “Affair proof” your marriage by telling your spouse regularly how highly you think of them. A daily dose of positive reinforcement goes a long way.

Lesson #5: Frequent physical intimacy is necessary for a happy marriage. Don’t make it complicated. You don’t need outfits, pornography, role playing, threesomes, spouse swapping, BDSM or anything else. You only need to give your spouse your undivided attention, caring and acceptance. It requires nothing more and nothing less.

Lesson #6: If your daily communications with your spouse are limited to the Costco list and your children’s soccer practice schedules, then you both are going to be looking elsewhere for a romantic charge. Flirt with your spouse, not your co-workers or the Starbucks barista.

Lesson #7: Dating does not end on your wedding day. When you go out with your spouse, act like it is your first date. Put on a great outfit, hold hands and make interesting conversation. Don’t save your best self for others. Give your best self to your spouse.

Lesson #8: If you are married, you have an obligation to take care of your appearance. You are the person who is most closely associated with your spouse, and you shouldn’t be an embarrassment to them. You don’t have to look like Kate Upton or Will Smith. You just have to look your best.

Lesson #9: There is no glory in remaining in a bad marriage. No one is going to give you a gold sticker or saint you. Worse yet, your kids ultimately may not thank you for it. So choose how and with whom you spend your time on this earth wisely.

Lesson #10: People stay in marriages for many reasons. For their children. For money. For convenience. For ambition, political or otherwise. But you will find no greater joy than being married solely for love.

Over the years, I’ve learned that marriage is not for the faint of heart. It requires a level of maturity and selflessness that most people don’t possess when they first say, “I do.” However, if you are patient and work hard at it, the rewards of a happy marriage are immeasurable.

Curated By Timothy

Original Article

Domestic Relief

April 2, 2015January 22, 2024 by Jules Thompsonin RELATIONSHIPS

On the eve of Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend sent me a message containing those magical words that every woman longs to hear: ‘don’t worry love, I’ve already got the milk.’

Simple words. Romantic words. Words akin to: ‘you just stay in bed’ and ‘but I love putting the seat down’ and ‘here’s an idea, why don’t I do both our tax returns’. (I’ve never had to do a tax return, but can imagine that someone offering to do it for me would feel like the most solicitous of marriage proposals.)

When I got this text I was driving home through London traffic having just completed a gruelling 12-hour shift. The thought of stopping to buy milk had been tormenting me ever since I noticed we were out first thing this morning. In the intervening hours I had decided that my boyfriend never bought milk, or bread, or did anything around the house for that matter, and that I might as well just end it (and him) (and me while I was at it) right now, because what future could we possibly have together? In fact, he’d already got the milk. And so our relationship was saved.

We didn’t have any plans for Valentine’s Day, but as good fortune would have it, the boy chose this of all days to clean the bathroom (N.B. it was definitely his turn). I found him kneeling over the bathtub wearing nothing but marigolds and a pair of long johns, and was overcome with desire. Refreshed after a solid night’s sleep, I interrupted him mid-scrub and lured him back to bed, where we spent a lazy morning making each other feel 100% loved. Happy February 14!

Combined, these experiences made me feel as though I’d had the most romantic Valentine’s Day of my life. From this, you might infer that I have unusually low standards. Not so. In the past, I’ve been whisked off to Barcelona, punted down the River Cam (not a euphemism), and given the entire Sex and the City Box Set, a romantic gift if only for the personal sacrifice it represented. But to this tired midwife, my boyfriend’s lightening of the domestic load constituted the greatest gift of all.

I discussed this with my big sister who knows everything and is always right. She agreed it’s good to have a partner who is handy around the house. ‘But,’ she added, ‘if there are things they can’t do, you can always remove the issue altogether’. Here, she was talking about washing up; specifically, her husband’s inability to do it. Throughout the early, impoverished years of their relationship, his bad washing up was an endless sticking point. Then, they hit the big time (i.e. qualified as teachers) and could afford a dishwasher. Today, thanks to this common household appliance, happiness reigns: while terrible at washing up, the husband is a mean stacker. Vive la domestic revolution!

For the busy grown up, it is undoubtedly a treat to have one less thing to do. But, as far as those squishy love feelings go, it’s about so much more than that. In my experience, the nurturing love that – if we’re lucky – we receive from our parents comes along rarely in a romantic form. It is a great thing to be with someone who can put your needs before their own; it is joyous thing to be with someone who actually seems to enjoy doing it.

My boyfriend is far from perfect (he has an uncanny knack of getting rubber gloves wet on the inside), and he is more than capable of looking out for himself. But on a good day, through a multitude of gestures, he makes me feel infinitely cared for. This makes me want to care for him in return. In this way, we waste little energy on resentment.

In my 20s, love was an ego-fuelled rollercoaster ride of fulfilled then thwarted wants. In my 30s, it is a coffee pressed into my hand made with milk that I didn’t have to buy. And I’m fine with that.

Written by Midwife X

9 Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist

April 1, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin LOVE

Narcissists are appealing for good reason: they’re charming, compelling and don’t hold back on the compliments. By the time you realize just how toxic a narcissist can be, you’ve likely already been duped into developing feelings for him or her.

Of course, not everyone you date who’s vaguely self-absorbed has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s important to note that narcissism exists on a spectrum, said Dr. Craig Malkin, an instructor of psychology at Harvard University and the author of Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special.

“Not all narcissists have NPD,” Malkin told The Huffington Post. “‘Narcissist’ is just a label that indicates someone scores well above average on narcissism measures. They’re high in traits, but may or may not have the disorder.”

Below, Malkin and three other experts shed light on the telltale signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.

1. In the beginning, they love bomb you.
Narcissists are very, very good at turning on the charm when they first meet you. As far as they’re concerned, you’ve got the looks of a young Elizabeth Taylor and the wit of a thousand Tina Feys. But don’t get used to those compliments or the pricey dinners they treat you to — it’s not likely to last, said licensed marriage and family therapist Virginia Gilbert.

“That behavior is called love bombing but with a narcissist, the smothering, razzle-dazzle display has nothing to do with you,” she said. “You merely supply whatever the narcissist wants at the time (sex, money, status, youth),” she said. “Once he or she has you, the ‘love’ you feel will morph into control and denigration.”

2. Grand, sweeping gestures are their strong suit.

Narcissists want to be remembered. If there’s a chance to one-up someone’s good story and impress others in the group, they’ll take it. If there’s a group dinner tab, they’re more than happy to pick it up. They live for those moments that bolster their own grandiose self image, said Tina Swithin, the author of Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle. But you need to stay wary of their motives.

“As a narcissist is paying the tab, she is scanning the group and taking notes on how she can use the experience or group members to maintain her inflated self-image or elevate her status,” Swithin said.” There is always an ulterior motive when it comes to a narcissist.”

3. They can’t admit when they’re wrong.
There’s a right way and a wrong way to do things: Naturally, the right way is always the narcissist’s way and the wrong way — just by default — is yours, Gilbert said. And if you try to follow through on orders the narcissist barks, you’ll still be doing it wrong.

“The narcissist will publicly lambaste you or anyone who dares do something not precisely to his or her liking,” Gilbert said. “The way they see it, you didn’t just make a mistake: you committed an atrocity and are accused of being stupid or incompetent.”

If they put you in the position of defending yourself, don’t even attempt to explain. “You will never get a narcissist to see your point-of-view or admit he was wrong,” Gilbert said.

4. They’re envious of your relationship with others.
Initially, narcissists may tell you they admire the close knit-relationships you have with family and friends. But criticism of those same people soon follows, said clinical psychologist Margaret Rutherford.

“Again, it’s all about control,” Rutherford said, adding that the motivation is usually twofold: “He or she may be envious of your relationships with others or want you more to themselves. And just by their very nature, the narcissist is demanding. They want to feel in control of you. This is just another way of doing that.”

5. The narcissist lives for the “likes.”

New research suggests that people who constantly update their Facebook status are more likely to exhibit narcissistic traits. If you’re currently coupled up with a narcissist, be prepared to have your Facebook newsfeed flooded with humble-brag statuses and photo posts.

“The most outgoing narcissists adore the spotlight,” Dr. Craig Malkin explained. “Image churning on Facebook draws attention to people. The flood of likes and comments gives everyone a rush of affirmation but narcissists tend to become hooked. That’s probably why people who frequently update tend to be more narcissistic than those of us content to choose one selfie and stick with it.”

6. Their brand of empathy is self-motivated.
Contrary to popular belief, most people on the narcissistic spectrum don’t have a complete lack of empathy for others. It’s just that they’re far too concerned with their own preoccupations, needs and fears to show it, Malkin said. When they do express it, there’s usually some ulterior motivate for doing so.

“If they’re motivated, say by the need to get you into bed with them, they can be amazing listeners and their caring is genuine,” the psychologist explained. “But it may only come to them when there’s a payoff. If their empathy seems to come and go depending on what’s in it for them, beware.”

7. Conversations are one-sided.

Good luck getting a word in edgewise while having a conversation with a narcissist. Dominating the conversation — even when the topic relates entirely to you — is a hallmark trait of the narcissist. They may feign interest in your college basketball picks, but deep down, they can’t wait to to hijack the conversation and offer up their superior opinion.

“Their interest is always short-lived,” said Swithin. “ Over time, you will notice that every topic is skillfully turned into an opportunity for the narcissist to brag or boast about their favorite topic: the narcissist! A simple conversation about your new car will likely turn into an opportunity for him to talk about the rare sports car that he is importing from Germany.”

8. They’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
Face it: the narcissist’s style and good looks may have been one of the first things that drew you in. But the need to look good is not a healthy vanity with the narcissist; it’s just another way to gain the adoration that they run on, Malkin said.

“Sorry to say, but if your partner wears sexy outfits or always dresses to nines, odds are they’re more narcissistic than most of us — or worse,” he said. “Manipulative, coldly calculating narcissists aren’t better looking from birth, but they’re really good at looking sharp — something called ‘effective adornment.'”

9. Your needs and requests don’t matter.
If you’re in love with someone who’s narcissistic, your needs will always come second. They’re too busy assessing what they need from you to see you as a whole, separate person with your own needs and desires, Gilbert said.

“Everything is an extension of the narcissist,” said explained. “Expressing those needs feels like a threat to the narcissist, who will likely make you feel that your requests are outlandish, while she demands to have everything her way. If you feel like you’re starving or gasping for air just to be heard, chances are you’re involved with a narcissist.”

Curated by Timothy

Original Article

April’s #SexyResolution: Bring Your A-Game to Sex

April 1, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

Just a reminder, we kicked off the year by enhancing your love life in 2015 with #SexyResolutions from LOVE TV. Follow these sexy lover resolutions and become more open, curious, powerful, and maximize your bliss for a happy, healthy, sexy and loving new year!

This April, make it your #SexyResolution to bring your A-game to love and sex. Here are your action steps:

1. Shut off your phone

2. Show Up with Respect

3. Bring Diversity to Your Engagements

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

March 31, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ThOK4i2dt8

1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming

“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.

People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.

You should still do all the other things that make your immune system happy, such as: Eat right. Stay active. Get enough sleep. Keep up with your vaccinations. Use a condom if you don’t know both of your STD statuses.

2. Boosts Your Libido

Longing for a more lively sex life? “Having sex will make sex better and will improve your libido,” says Lauren Streicher, MD. She is an assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

For women, having sex ups vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, she says, all of which make sex feel better and help you crave more of it.

3. Improves Women’s Bladder Control

A strong pelvic floor is important for avoiding incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of women at some point in their lives.

Good sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. When you have an orgasm, it causes contractions in those muscles, which strengthens them.

4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure

Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical director of Amai Wellness.

“There have been many studies,” he says. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.” That’s the first number on your blood pressure test.

Watch above for the final six!

Curated by Erbe

5 Clues He’s Worth Keeping

March 30, 2015January 22, 2024 by MONROKin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

He has a dog/wants a dog/LOVES DOGS.

Having a dog tells you two things about a guy:

A. He is responsible.

B. He cares about something other than himself.

These are great qualities to look for in a guy. A dog is a responsibility. You can’t stay out for days partying when you have this level of commitment. There is someone at home that needs you. If you have the ability to love and care for an animal, you are most likely a kind and loving person. I have always said that there is no such thing as a “dog person,” there are people that love dogs, there are people that grow to love dogs once they’ve been exposed, and then there are cat people. On the real though, even if he has a cat, it’s cool, as long as it’s not more than one.

He calls his parents.

I don’t mean e-mailing, or texting, I mean ACTUAL CALLING. He talks to his parents. They know what’s going on with him. He has a vested interest in their well being. Do not confuse this with momma’s boys. If he is talking to his mother 10 times a day, that is NOT a good sign and will most likely translate into him putting his mother’s wishes before yours. Just someone that checks in with his parents to make sure everything’s all good in the family.

He treats all women the same. (NOT BADLY)

If a guy walks you to your car, he is a gentleman. If he walks your friend to their car, he is a keeper. Of course I mean he is doing this in a friendly manner, and not trying to get their number. Look for the man that treats their mother, sister, and you with the same amount of respect.

Your friends like him.

I don’t care if he’s “different when you’re alone” or “you guys don’t get it – I LOVE HIM, YOU SHOULD TOO.” If you are dating someone that your friends and family do not like (and it’s not because they’re being racist), chances are he is probably NOT A GOOD GUY. You are lying to yourself. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for his behavior, you are really making excuses for your choices. Make the choice to leave and do better.

He doesn’t leave the seat up.

Ok, this one might seem a little trivial, but what I mean to say is, he is considerate. Considerate of your feelings, your time, and your day-to-day routine is pivotal to secure a happy partner. If he’s ignoring your needs or putting his own needs first, that shows a basic lack of respect. So if he is unable to do such a small thing for you, chances are he won’t measure up when things get real. What if he has to pick up the kids unexpectedly or god forbid change a diaper, how do you think he will handle it? The least he can do is make sure you don’t take a bath in toilet water at 3am.

10 Reasons to Cuddle Tonight

March 30, 2015January 22, 2024 by Michael Warshauerin Sex

It’s no secret that cuddling makes you feel good when you’re in a new or established relationship. It’s also something that you miss greatly when you’re single. But did you know there’s actually a scientific reason to cuddle? It’s true! There are many surprising benefits of cuddling—so read on, and you’ll want to cuddle someone right now!

1. Cuddling releases oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a hormone that does everything from making you feel good to helping you feel connected to others. Oxytocin is crucial in the act of cuddling, as you’ll see from its benefits popping up in the list below.

2. Cuddling boosts your immune system.

When you’re so in love you feel invincible, you’re experiencing oxytocin release. This feel-good hormone makes you feel like nothing can hurt you—which is an amazing benefit! It also increases hormones that help fight infection. So, basically, you’re boosting your immune system because you’re feeling too good and healthy to get sick. The power of positive thinking—and feeling loved and secure—actually works!

3. Cuddling relieves pain.

Just as it boosts your immune system, cuddling and releasing oxytocin will decrease your pain levels. Whenever your neck hurts, what do you do? Rub it, right? Even simple touches like that release enough oxytocin to make you feel better, so imagine the effect cuddling has!

4. Cuddling helps deepen your relationships.

Communication is important in relationships, but people often forget how effective and meaningful touch can be. When your career is so stressful you come home and can’t stop thinking about the job, you’re taking a negative toll on your relationship. Instead, imagine coming home and cuddling with your partner for even ten minutes a day. This brief break from the stress of everyday life will not only give you all the other benefits listed here, but will also deepen your relationship. You’ll be taking time to focus solely on your partner and what you feel for them.

5. Cuddling can lead to more.

Even non-erotic touch can release dopamine, which is a hormone that increases sexual desire. Getting a sweet hug or massage from your partner after a long day can lead to more, which is win-win for both of you! Regular sexual activity will strengthen your relationship as well. Also, sex is a good stress reliever, and an easy way to get in some physical activity.

6. Cuddling helps women bond.

Have you heard the term “oxytocin” in relation to childbirth and breastfeeding? It’s because this chemical doesn’t just inspire good feelings between couples—it also works for women and their babies. Oxytocin helps relax the mother, so that breastfeeding may come more easily. It also enables sleep, even when the mother might have difficulty sleeping with a newborn in the house.

7. Cuddling reduces social anxiety.

Oxytocin inspires positive thinking. It helps you have an optimistic outlook on the world. Which means when you get a hug right as you arrive at the party where you only know one person, you’re going to feel happier and more social going in. You’ll feel like you can charm everyone at the party. And with oxytocin coursing through your system, you will!

8. Cuddling reduces stress.

It’s obvious by now, right? Oxytocin is an amazing natural hormone that has so many benefits for the human body. It’s only natural that all these positive effects are going to release stress, also. You’re feeling more connected with your partner, you’re feeling confident in social situations, your immune system is stronger—what do you have to be stressed about? You have a great, cuddle-filled, loving life. Enjoy it!

9. Cuddling lowers your risk of heart disease.

Yup—oxytocin again! All the benefits listed above add together to mean less stress, less anxiety, lower blood pressure and—you got it—a lower risk of heart disease! Because your heart is happier and not working as hard to combat the effects of stress and sickness, you’ll be healthier, longer.

10. Cuddling doesn’t have a definition.

Cuddling doesn’t have to be between you and your romantic partner. It doesn’t even have to be with another person—you can rub your own shoulders! You can also hug friends or play with your pets. If you don’t want to be social or don’t have a furry friend, never fear! You can take a warm bath or get a massage. Feeling warm and connected by some sort of touch is enough to release oxytocin into your system and get you feelin’ good!

Curated by Erbe

Original Article

Missionary Sex: Why It’s the Unsung Hero of Lovemaking

March 27, 2015January 22, 2024 by Jess Beaulieuin Sex

The Missionary Position has gotten a bad rep among the human race and I can’t determine why exactly. Could it be the confusing religious connotations of the name and the god-fearing history behind it? Could it be simply personal preference? Could it be that it reminds us of juvenile, inexperienced, naive love? When we couldn’t locate the clitoris if our lives depended on it and we had to keep our moaning to a whisper because our parents were sleeping down the hall. When our orgasms were ultra mysterious, in the sense that we had no idea what triggered them or how to hit that invisible button.

Whatever the reason, it is a common held belief that missionary is rather uninventive. Unoriginal. Uninspired. Unappealing. Unsexy. Unfun. Some think it’s the dullest way for two individuals to climax into ecstasy together. In my early romps of youth, I was told by many a compadre to “spice things up” in the boudoir. “You can’t just keep doing missionary forever. There are so many BETTER positions out there”, they would proclaim loudly with large, erotic gestures. I was intrigued by these “better positions” they spoke of and hoped the new, glamorous internet would lead me to dangerous, mind-blowing, Cruel Intentions level intercourse.

I turned on my desktop and discovered a smorgasbord of positions that looked highly titillating and highly awkward. I wrote them on a notepad and began to check them off one by one as I experimented with sexual partner(s). But to my dismay none of ‘em did the trick for me. Sure, a few were enjoyable enough. Even pleasurable and I could definitely partake in them for a period of ten minutes straight without discomfort. But I couldn’t find a replacement favourite. No matter how hard I tried I kept coming back to old, reliable horizontal body on top of horizontal body. That was six years ago and it continues to be my position of choice today. I will defend that style of quote unquote, uninventive, unoriginal, uninspired, unappealing, unsexy, unfun lovemaking until the minute that I die. I think missionary is the bees knees and there is nothing wrong with that.

But even though I’m confident in my opinions, I often get asked “WHY?” by friends when I reveal this information about myself. It perplexes certain folks, so, I’d like to state, for the record, WHY indeed missionary is my beloved number one.

The Eye Contact

I found in my experimentation days of yonder that the majority of naughty, wild, contortionist movements lacked face to face action. There was a good deal of back to chest action. Butt to crotch action. Head to foot action. But our eyelashes were rarely having a party. And that was unfortunate ‘cause I prefer to be able to look deep into the pupils of my lovah always and forever. Eyes are hot, baby. What can I say?

The Body Contact

Another feature of the “popular with high school students” position is that the bulk of your skins are rubbing up against each other a whole heck of a lot. Doggy style is a remotely okay time but I feel super distant from the person thrusting and holding my hips from behind. I’m more present and I find that my partner is more present because I’m more present when our whole bods are in mega close proximity to each other and our gross sweat blends into one stinky puddle.

The Clit Contact

I have read that there are superior places to put your pieces for clitoris stimulation but me lying flat on my back with my legs wrapped around the gentleman I am coitusing gets my clit buzzing like nothing else (other than cunnilingus of course – technically my favourite position is a man’s face in my vulva). I don’t orgasm via penetration but the moments I have gotten the closest have consistently been due to the “work of the lord” aka MISSIONARY, HELLO.

The Emotional Contact

And with eyes and bodices and clits comes the overflow of brain feels and oxytocin bonding between my head and the individual on top of me’s head. Intercourse is an intimate experience for moi, as it is for a hefty portion of the population, and when affection levels are tall my hormonal bliss levels are equally as tall. I’m not saying non-missionary-fornifcation can’t be emotional, but for me, my heart beats stronger and louder when I’m doing it like I’m sun tanning on a beach and the beach is my bed and the sun is a penis.

The Hugging Contact

I adore the sensation of orgasming and making others orgasm. When that occurs in missionary I can proceed to canoodle, embrace, and lock post-sex arms (more noodle like than regular arms). This can be achieved with some adjusting in other positions but it will take a minute or two to arrive at your destination. I prefer immediacy with my exhausted, extremely content, grateful after-copulation cuddling. That’s kinda the best part in my opinion so let’s get to it already.

Flow Contact

Ballet classes gave me trouble as a tween and my rhythm continues to be off today. When my muscles are doing junk that they were not designed to do my whole body goes into shock. You might be capable of putting this there and sticking that here and I honestly applaud you. I am impressed because that is not a possibility in my realm. I am comfortable in missionary and with comfortability comes excellent flow. And with excellent flow comes me being in rhythmic sync with the sentient creature inside me.

Experimentation Contact

I know. I have denounced experimentation this entire time BUT I am truly not against it in the least. Thing is, you can do research and development WITHIN mish (abbreviation for the non-with-it peeps). Your legs can go up, your arms can go back, and your butt can levitate off the duvet. Just because it seems plain Jane, doesn’t mean Jane can’t let loose on the weekends or the weekdays or holidays or days that only exist in leap years. Jane can toss her leg behind her head like she’s a professional gymnist or somethin’ whenever she wants.

I rest my case. Missionary FTW, y’all.