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What Do You Deserve in Love in 2016?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize you’re worth winning is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Look for the Right Partner Right Now

by zfortadminin LOVE

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel.

Nice eyes? A great smile? A quirky sense of humor? There are a lot of different things that might make you attracted to someone. But having a healthy relationship with your partner is about more than attraction; it requires respect, trust and open communication. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or are already in one, make sure you and your partner agree on what makes a relationship healthy. It’s not always easy, but you can build a healthy relationship. Look for someone who:

  • Treats you with respect.
  • Doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do.
  • Never puts you down.
  • Doesn’t get angry if you spend time with your friends or family.
  • Listens to your ideas and compromise sometimes.
  • Isn’t excessively negative.
  • Shares some of your interests such as movies, sports, reading, dancing or music.
  • Isn’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings.
  • Is comfortable around your friends and family.
  • Is proud of your accomplishments and successes.
  • Respects your boundaries and does not abuse technology.
  • Doesn’t require you to “check in” or need to know where you are all the time.
  • Is caring and honest.
  • Doesn’t pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do.
  • Doesn’t constantly accuse you of cheating or being unfaithful.
  • Encourages you to do well in school or at work.
  • Doesn’t threaten you or make you feel scared.
  • Understands the importance of healthy relationships.

Remember that a relationship consists of two people. Both you and your partner should have equal say and should never be afraid to express how you feel. It’s not just about speaking up for yourself — you should also listen and seriously consider what your partner says.

Every relationship has arguments and disagreements sometimes — this is normal. How you choose to deal with your disagreements is what really counts. Both people should work hard to communicate effectively.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

What Do You Really Want in a Relationship?

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Many have actually gone through this step already. Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.

How to know what you want in a relationship

Everyone has different psychological needs that must be identified and met. The thing is, if we don’t meet our needs, we won’t be satisfied and happy in a relationship.

Even though it’s critical to identifying our needs, it can sometimes be a little puzzling to do. Sometimes we’re not very sure what we want exactly.
This article will help show you how you can discover and identify them confidently.

What do you really want

Many have actually gone through this step already.
Which is writing down what you think you want in a relationship.
If you haven’t yet, you must know that it’s an essential thing to start with in order to understand what you want.

While you write your list, it’s important that you make sure you separate between what is vital for you to have (what you can’t go without) from the rest of the list. Maybe you would want to have this in a different color as you them write down.

The reason for this is that this way you at least know what you absolutely shouldn’t go without in a relationship. Many people don’t do this step of taking the time to specify in details because it could be a bit of an effort to them, and as a result, understanding themselves and the relationship becomes very confusing.

Make sure your list includes the following categories:

-Characteristics that you want in a partner.
-Certain physical appearance that you want.
-Certain behaviors that you wish were existent in the relationship. (Example: spend time with you, respectful communication, talk things through to find solutions, etc…)
-Social standard or background
-Values that he/she should have

If you absolutely don’t know what to write, one way to do it is to think of what you absolutely don’t want and write the opposite. By finding out what you don’t want, you figure out what you need in a relationship to avoid it.

Let your list evolve

Now that you’ve done this list, is that it?
No. Think how we’ve advanced with transportation over time, now we have planes and it takes us a few hours to travel from one continent to another.

So my point here is, after you have created your list keep adjusting it from what you see happening around you and from what you personally experience.

Sometimes you watch a couple that you like and see something that they do that you would definitely want in your relationship as well, add that. Sometimes you would watch other people do things to each other that you dislike, or even experience something that happens to you and you realize you should avoid, write that as well.

Never stop tweaking your list. It’s exactly like finding out what your favorite color is. You see many colors and suddenly at some point you see one color and realize how much you like it. The primary list that you have created in step 1 will be an infrastructure that you should continue to build on and fine-tune.

Match the choices with the needs

How do you use this list once you find a person that you like?
Well, if you are very lucky, and hope you will be, you will find someone who you can achieve with all the things you both want in a relationship.

But what if this person doesn’t have exactly what you want, do you let this person go?
No, but depends. Remember in step 1 when I told you to separate your vital needs from your wants in a different color?

Now, this will come in handy. You need to make sure that these things you wrote in color are met, because if they are not and you are not meeting your needs, you won’t be satisfied in the relationship later on.

Never compromise your needs. You can compromise your wants for a wonderful person, but never your needs. If you need to work on yourself a bit more to attract this sort of person, start now. Otherwise follow your list, especially the ones in color.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

6 SEX New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

by zfortadminin Sex

These resolutions sure beat dieting and promising to go to the gym.

Enough with the resolutions about diets and gym memberships. As midlifers, we know there are more important changes to make in your life for improved health and well-being, stronger self-esteem and better relationships. And while a few may involve the kitchen (wink, wink), nobody is talking about dieting here. H/T to Leah Millheiser, Nuelle’s chief scientific officer, for these marvelous Sexolutions:

1. The bedroom will not be used for electronics unless they vibrate.

No, we don’t mean your phone on vibrate mode. Bedrooms are for sleeping, relaxing and love-making. There is no room for smart phones, iPads, laptops or televisions. Bedrooms are sacred spaces and should be afforded their due.

2. Exercise all your muscles.

Working out stimulates the body and the brain and of course helps burn calories and releases endorphins. All good stuff, notes Millheiser. But, ahem, aren’t you forgetting something? The Kegel muscles — AKA the love muscles — wrap around the vagina and anus. Working them helps strengthen the pelvic floor, which supports the bladder, rectum, uterus, and vagina. Kegel exercises can improve your general health, give you better control over urinary and bowel functions, and also make sex sensational again because strong Kegels heighten your arousal, enhance your orgasms, improve blood circulation to the genitals, and increase vaginal tone and lubrication.

3. Think arousing thoughts.

Be in touch with your sensual self. Building self-confidence in your sex life will only improve it, Millheiser notes. Build a mind-body connection. News flash: You won’t be the first person in the world to see George Clooney when you close your eyes.

4. Install a bedroom door lock.

Maybe Millheiser has met your Golden Retriever who moves from the foot of the bed to between Mom and Dad when things start to get interesting. She says it is wise to keep the kids and pets at bay and distractions to a minimum. Clearly she knows from whence she speaks.

5. Talk more, fester less.

Let your partner know what you want. The more you discuss your likes and dislikes, the easier it is to have your needs met. Nobody is a mind reader. Being upset because you think your partner “should know” something makes no sense — and won’t improve your relationship or sex life. Tell them, not your best friend, when things aren’t happening for you.

6. Make it fun.

Sex toys, role-playing, whatever gets your engines revving — go for it.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Surefire Tips for a Successful Marriage from Real-Life Couples

by zfortadminin LOVE

Marriage can be both a source of joy and sorrows. Through ups and downs, couples can bolster their happiness by following these five tips that real life couples find work for them.

Share the housework

Research finds that couples that split household duties, including cooking, cleaning and child rearing, enjoy more sex and are happier than couples where the woman tackles “feminine” tasks and the man tackles “manly” tasks.

Lamar and Ronnie agree.

“We do everything as a team. We’re a team at work but also at home, you know with raising the kids. So teamwork has been instrumental in our marriage,” says Ronnie.

All you need is love

A majority of couples say love makes their marriages successful. Saying it to each other and remembering it can help strengthen relationships. Joel and Michael realize the importance that love plays in their marriage and celebrate it.

“I really don’t think there’s any difference between gay and straight marriage. It’s just two people who love each other and are going through life together. Marriage is marriage. Love is love,” says Joel.

Pack your bags, but not the kids

While parenting feels fulfilling, sometimes taking a break from the kids and focusing on the each other is greatly needed. It helps couples re-join and allows kids to gain some independence. Trina and George knew they needed some kid-free time away.

“We decided to start taking vacations without the kids because we knew almost immediately that it was important for us to stay connected,” George said.

Trina says the couple goes away mostly for weekend trips and the location doesn’t matter much.

“It really is about being together being exclusively together,” she says.

I want to hold your hand

Couples who hold hands with their spouses show the world that they love each other. They also provide strength, comfort, and affection to each other.

“It’s very much a sign of or a silent way of saying I love you,” says Lee, who has been married to Harry for 67 years.

Have fun together

Laugh together. Go on adventures. Play games. Share new experiences and have fun together to boost your marriage.

“I think the secret to our marriage is to be honest and open and laugh whenever we can and spend time with each other,” says Michael, who has been married to Joel for two years.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Achieve the 12 Varieties of Orgasm

by zfortadminin Sex

Are you satisfied with your sex life?

As a sex-positive, intersectional feminist and sexologist, I hate hearing that people aren’t having great sex or aren’t experiencing enough full-bodied pleasure in the act. We deserve to have regular orgasms. Although many of us are still learning, debating, and practicing (the best part), what’s essential is understanding that we are all capable of experiencing orgasm in a variety of different ways.

Cue Nicki Minaj. Her Minajesty recently announced that “[she] demand(s) that [she] climaxes” and that every woman should demand the same. She goes on to say that giving and receiving pleasure should be 50/50. Whatever 50/50 looks like to you in any given sexual encounter or experience, that’s up to you and your partner to negotiate before, during, and after.

Seriously friends: Your body is capable of some of the most intense, satisfying, and healing energy-producing force. An admirable sex expert Lou Paget says that vagina-bearers can experience 10 different types of orgasms, while penis-bearers can have eight. But, I think there are 12.

Betty Dodson, the Godmother of Orgasms, has some of the best tips and advice about climaxing. Dodson speaks to the experience of the orgasm via the lens of what it feels like — not just the mechanics of what makes it happen. She says “clitoral and penile orgasms result from stimulation of the pudendal pathway, while orgasms that result from G spot, vaginal, and rectal stimulation often involve the pelvic nerve. Stimulating the pelvic nerve, via the rectum, can also lead to pleasure in some surprising ways.”

From healing migraines and relieving stress to soothing pain, boosting your immune system, and giving your body an effective workout, orgasms really are a cure-all.

So, let’s take a look at 12 types of orgasms — and how you can achieve them.

G SPOT ORGASM

Some experts say this small, spongy area above the front vaginal wall is a myth. Otherwise known as the Graffenberg spot, it is, according to Lelo, “the most mysterious of erogenous zones. For some, it’s downright mythical, with the big G’s mere existence still subject to ongoing debate. Try telling that to the estimated 30% of women reporting that they achieve their orgasms through penetration alone.”

Exactly. It doesn’t really matter if you believe it or not — what matters is this: If applying pressure to this mysterious area in your body feels fantastic, then go for it.

How to have one? Use a circular “come hither” motion and with applied pressure, and massage the area slowly. Don’t be afraid to get your hands a little wet and maximize orgasmic potential by gently having the labia kissed at the same time.

BREAST/NIPPLE ORGASM

According to a study reported on Science of Relationships, “researchers discovered that stimulation of the nipple activated an area of the brain known as the genital sensory cortex. This is the same brain region activated by stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, and cervix. What this means is that women’s brains seem to process nipple and genital stimulation in the same way.”

So, it IS possible! Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that our brains are actually the biggest sex organ that we have — and their influence on how we experience pleasure on the whole is huge.

KISSING/ORAL ORGASM

Your lips are packed with closely set nerve endings, classified as a mucocutaneous region of the body similar to the outer vulva, nipples, and clitoris. This means that they have the power to get you aroused.

This type of orgasm requires some time commitment. Slow lip synching, tongue rolling, and teasing are all part of building up your arousal and should, in my opinion, be a part of foreplay all the time, anyway. Achieving orgasm this way requires deep focus, but it can happen.

ANAL ORGASM

Yes, your butt. For many women, anal intercourse feels fantastic.

If you want to try it, use a healthy dose of lube and slowly work your way in and around the anal area, while preparing for penetration. Anal penetration should at first be a slow process, especially if you’re new to the sensation. The tight muscles and thin epithelial cell layer within are subject to tearing, but they are also able to provide you with sensational pleasure. Graduated bead strands are a good starter toy to add to your sex toolbox.

U-SPOT ORGASM

The urethra. Yes, the pee hole. Surprised? Well, as Lou Paget states in her educational interviews, the urethra is actually surrounded on three sides by the clitoris. This is because your clitoris is actually a lot bigger than you think it is — it goes three to five inches deep inside you. When your U-spot is stimulated, the erectile tissue surrounding the opening engorges with blood, thus triggering the Skene’s Glands to produce prostatic fluid (the stuff of squirting) and you to become aroused.

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Honeymooner’s New Year’s Resolutions

by zfortadminin LOVE

A Dozen Ways to Make Love Last

When you’re in love, New Year’s Eve is one of the most romantic nights of the year. The promises you make then can go a long way toward ensuring a happy honeymoon and a solid marriage. That said, here are a dozen resolutions you may want to consider starting off the year with:

New Year’s Resolution #1:

Figure out where we want to go on our honeymoon already!

New Year’s Resolution #2:

Make reservations early so we’re sure to get the place we want on the dates we want.

New Year’s Resolution #3:

Keep my sense of humor — and understand that everything from the trip to the airport to the wedding night may surprise.

New Year’s Resolution #4:

Be smart about buying airline tickets, know in advance how much luggage we’re allowed to carry on — and how much time to allow at the airport.

New Year’s Resolution #5:

Surprise my spouse (with a game, a love letter, or silly honeymoon gift) once we settle in at our destination.

New Year’s Resolution #6:

Make sure you know the top honeymoon hacks and don’t overschedule your days.

New Year’s Resolution #7:

Set aside time each day of the vacation for myself — and respect my mate’s private moments, too.

New Year’s Resolution #8:

Remember that it’s not just me anymore. There are two of us now to consider.

New Year’s Resolution #9:

Taste something (or lots of things!) on the honeymoon that I’ve never savored before.

New Year’s Resolution #10:

Understand that even on the honeymoon we might have a fight or disagreement — but it’s not the end of the world.

We’ll get over it, move on, forgive, and continue to love one another.

New Year’s Resolution #11:

Be patient with my spouse, even if I don’t always understand his or her emotions.

New Year’s Resolution #12:

Share my hopes, my dreams, and my future with the one I love most.

Happy New Year to You, Dear Reader.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Long FOREPLAY and SEX Really Last

by zfortadminin Sex

Ever wonder what real women in real bedrooms are doing under the duvet covers?

Glamour surveyed 1,000 young women for their answers on a typical night in, timed. Here’s how many minutes you say foreplay and sex last:

15-couple-kissing-in-bed

Average Length of Sex and Foreplay

Less than 5 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 23%
    • Sex: 8%

5 to 9 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 33%
    • Sex: 25%

10 to 14 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 24%
    • Sex: 28%

15 to 19 minutes:

    • Foreplay: 12%
    • Sex: 17%

20 minutes or more:

    • Foreplay: 8%
    • Sex: 22%

So, according to our survey, the majority of you spend 5 to 9 minutes on foreplay and 10 to 14 minutes on sex. How many minutes do you spend?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Do I Find True LOVE?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Often, people think that they have to learn how to master love when they’re already in a relationship.

In reality, who you are before you ever fall in love says much more about how your relationship will work out. You might be surprised to learn that most of the work of creating true love in your life is actually done before you ever meet “the one.”

I have watched my clients and friends (and, not to mention, myself) find true love, and there are a few common themes in what comes beforehand.

Here are eight things you must master before you can invite real love into your life:

1. Don’t focus on finding a partner. Focus on building a great relationship with yourself.

If you want anything in life to work out, you must have a trusting and loving relationship with yourself first. This is the primary focus in my life coaching work, because a positive self-image truly paves to road for any happiness, opportunity, and lasting joy in life.

Check in with yourself: how do you treat yourself? How do you speak to yourself? How do you hold yourself back and why?

2. Replace anxiety with faith.

People who have found real love, didn’t get permanently caught up in anxiety, believing they will never find love. Rather, they remember to trust in divine timing. Negative, fearful thoughts only increase anxiety and an anxious mind never speaks nicely to the self.

Your thoughts create your reality, so by thinking negatively you’re essentially manifesting what you don’t want. Train yourself to think positively, expecting the good.

3. Believe (and really believe) that you deserve to be loved.

This is a frequent underlying (often unconscious) limiting belief that many of my clients carry with them: fear of not being good enough and not being love-worthy. It’s the number one way in which many people sabotage themselves and their quest for love.

If you don’t believe you’re love-worthy, why would anyone else think that you are? You have to shed this limiting belief and stop sabotaging yourself with your thoughts about yourself if you want to find true love.

4. Learn to receive the love that is offered to you.

It’s a bit counter-intuitive, but receiving is a much more vulnerable act of showing yourself to another person than giving. You are basically telling another person, “You make me happy,” which is both a very empowering statement to make and one that makes you feel vulnerable.

The question is: can you show gratitude and pleasure to other people openly and without feeling ashamed or guilty?

5. Let go of your checklist of must-haves for your ideal partner.

While it’s good to know what you like and don’t like, you also don’t want to narrow your worldview and create stubborn tunnel vision. Must-have lists are formulated from a head space, but the head isn’t what falls in love or has compassion during inevitable tough times.

Often, the qualities you will most appreciate and honor in your partner are the ones you didn’t even know you needed. Loosen up and trust that life will send you the love of your life!

6. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Are you interpreting every ever-so-slightly confusing signal you get from a potential mate as an offense to you and a red flag or a sign that they aren’t trustworthy after all? Or are you able to stop yourself from over-analyzing everything and believe that the person you have met has their heart in the right place?

Believing in the good of another person, even if you have been disappointed, will make your life much more free and joyful. Don’t let past experiences determine your future.

7. Become an effective and honest communicator.

You cannot selectively be a good communicator with some people and a terrible communicator with others. You are either someone who has the integrity and the courage to be heard and speak their mind honestly, or you are hanging on to a tendency to suppress, avoid, or silence communication.

The good news is that communication patterns can be worked on and improved pretty much every second of your waking life. Ask yourself, “Am I honest and sincere with myself? Am I expressing myself in full integrity to what I truly think and feel?”

8. Look for good role models.

Role models matter greatly, because we learn from observing others starting the moment we were born. Even if you parents weren’t in the greatest marriage, you can look to other relationships that you admire and pick out the attributes you like the most.

When observing couples you respect try and identify exactly how the couples supports each other. How do they speak to one another? How do they show each other love? By asking these questions, you are essentially increasing your awareness for the kind of relationships that do work, rather than having a running list of things you don’t want in your own love life.

In the comments I’d love to hear from you: what can you do and improve upon now that will help make your future relationship bloom freely? I’ve seen hundreds of people work on themselves, change their expectations, and learn to embrace who they are. I know you can do this too!

Take the first step today!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Best New Year’s Resolutions of Single Ladies

by zfortadminin LOVE

Callin’ all the single ladies! It’s that time of year again.

new years resolution of single ladies

Time to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start on a new year. So let’s ditch those bad habits… you know the ones… and set your NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!!!

new years resolution of single ladies

Happy New Year!

Curated by Erbe
Original Video

Top 20 Turnoffs of Women

by zfortadminin Sex

You Might Not Enjoy Hearing It, But Here’s What Turns Women Off

Women are used to being told what men find attractive, and also what makes their skin crawl. Every second article in most women’s magazines is a list of things to avoid wearing or doing because men don’t find it arousing, repeated so often that most of us can list them off from memory: Don’t wear red lipstick, hats or wedges; don’t be a starfish in the bedroom who never initiates sex; and don’t nag or be too clingy.

Rarely is the reverse true. Sure, there is the occasional article about what women want and what we hate, but it isn’t hammered into men to the same degree, and women are starting to notice the disparity:

So in the interests of fairness, and for the sake of helping men who date women get an idea about where they might be going wrong, I put the question to my Twitter followers, and –– lo and behold! — women began spilling their biggest turnoffs with abandon. Here are the top 20:

1. You Have Long, Dirty Or Unkempt Fingernails

This one comes up so often it’s worth keeping at the front of your mind: Dirty or uncared-for nails are an instant, stomach-turning turn-off for large swaths of women, especially if you’re trying to put those nails near our bodies. Take care of your hands!

2. You’re Rude To Waiters Or Other Service Workers

Rudeness is a turn-off, for both genders, period. It can, however, take a while for people’s true colors to start peeping through, and so women are paying close attention to how you treat people who serve you for clues about how you might treat us further down the line.

3. You Have Bad Shoes

What counts as a bad shoe is clearly subjective, but one thing’s for sure: women are looking at your shoes. If you’ve put effort into the rest of your outfit but none into those things that cover your feet, your prospective love interests are likely to be marking you down.

4. You Tune Out While She’s Speaking

It’s the ultimate sign of disrespect if you can’t be bothered listening to a person when they’re speaking. It’s doubly insulting to get that treatment from a man you’re dating; someone who’s presumably meant to support and care about you. Mark my words, fellas: Men who don’t listen don’t last long.

via GIPHY

5. You Don’t Use Deodorant

This is a personal hygiene matter that women take issue with on a mass scale. It shouldn’t come as a big surprise, but if you are reeking of B.O., women won’t exactly flock to you. Deodorant is a must.

6. You’re Selfish

Whether it’s ignoring our pleasure in the bedroom or turning a blind eye our needs outside of it, selfish men are, without exception, incredibly unappealing to women.

7. You’re Hard To Read During Sex

This is basically the male equivalent of a women who’s a starfish in the bedroom. It’s hard to know if you’re pleasing someone in bed if they give you no visual or verbal feedback, and women consistently report this as a bedroom-based turn-off. Please, guys, show us a little appreciation — or if things aren’t working out, at least tell us where we’re going wrong!

8. You Tell Her She’s “Not Like Other Girls”

We get that this one’s meant to be a compliment, but dude, what the hell?! All this sounds like to us is, “I have a low opinion of women in general, but I’ve decided that you’re a special snowflake. Please enjoy this high praise.” It’s not a compliment to be told we’re not like other girls, because there’s nothing wrong with being a girl, and — surprise! — the vast majority of girls actually like each other.

9. You Constantly Interrupt Her

C’mon, my guy: Can we at least finish our line of thought before you steamroll over us?

10. You Refer To Women As “Females”

This is a popular peeve: We’re human women, not antelopes, and “female” is an adjective, not a noun. It’s a really simple fix –- just call us “women.”

11. You Tell Her To “Lighten Up” When Your Friends Say Bigoted Things

This one comes up aplenty, and the casual use of slurs against people of color, women or LGBTQ people ranks as equally unimpressive. If you’re behaving like a bigot then we don’t need to lighten up; in fact, it’s a hint that you and your friends need to grow up and exercise some restraint.Bonus turnoff points: You don’t call out your friends for their misogyny when they demonstrate it, but try to placate us behind the scenes. Nice try!

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10 Sex Secrets to a Happy Marriage

by zfortadminin Sex

Writer Brian Orme says, “I’m 41 years old, and have been married to the same beautiful woman for almost two decades. Over the years I’ve had to work through some myths and misconceptions about sex.

Many of these misconceptions started early, before I was married, and they’ve taken years to straighten out. If I could send 10 sex and intimacy tips to myself before I was married, this is exactly what I’d say.

Sexual intimacy doesn’t happen like it does on TV or in the movies

Much of what you know about sex comes from advertising, TV and the movies. In other words, sex looks like a spontaneous, flawless connection of love-making filled with romance, music and candles in windowsills. Sexual intimacy does not work like that. Don’t be disappointed — real sexual intimacy is different than the movies, but it’s much better in the long run.

A note on frequency. Brace yourself.

Right now you’re thinking marriage is filled with sex almost every second of the day and thousands of times a week. You should live in this dream world for as long as you can and ride your trusty unicorn into the Skittle-stained sunset where you pet your wild Ewok and cross the Bridge to Terabithia. Stay there. As long as you can. That is all.

Sex is like fine wine — it gets better with age

Sexual intimacy is something you get better and better at. It takes communication, practice and time. Right now you think your sex IQ is at a genius level, but you really don’t know everything.

Sex is not just about getting, but giving

Are you laughing? I’m serious. Sex is something that requires both of you to give. And it’s good to give. Don’t be a taker all the time. Sexual intimacy is a great place to model sacrifice and service. If you get that into your head now, the getting will be even better. There’s great beauty and mystery in the giving. Be generous.

Men and women don’t think about sex the same way

For you, sex is wrapped up in physical attraction and it’s very visual and instantaneous. However, you might want to sit down for this one. Women think about sex in terms of the relationship, their security and how much they feel loved and pursued. For you, sex is like a light switch without a dimmer — you’re totally ready at any moment. For her, sex is like a crockpot that takes a good part of the day to come to a simmer. You will both be frustrated by this. That’s okay; it’s part of God’s wiring to bring you together on a deeper level.

Sex doesn’t complete you

Right now, you are putting a ton of stock in the power, importance and value of sex. Let’s be honest, you think about it constantly. You need to know sexual intimacy is fantastic and satisfying and incredible in so many ways, but it’s not meant to be an idol. You will need to fight this and work to keep sex in proper perspective — as a gift from God to be enjoyed in marriage.

Sex can be fun and funny and playful

There are many angles of sexual intimacy, and some of them you’re totally unaware of right now. You think of sex in one dimension — serious pleasure. However, sexual intimacy done right is a form of vulnerability and authenticity, and when you totally love someone and have nothing to hide — and I mean nothing — you are free to be your truest self.

Be romantic and pursue her

Make sure she knows you want her in more ways than just the physical. Pursue her mind. Pursue her heart. Pursue her in every way possible. Remember, she doesn’t think about sex like you do — you’re all skin and eyeballs, and she’s all heart and soul.

It’s more mysterious than you think

Again, right now your thoughts about sex are pretty simple. You’re stuck in the physical, but God designed sexual intimacy to be way more complex than two bodies finding their way together. It’s hard to explain and I don’t fully understand it, but something magical happens in the act of sex, something cosmic that links you to her in a way that’s soul deep.

Sex in marriage is a form of worship

Most of your thoughts about worship are confined to religious places. So, when I say sex is worship, you probably think I’m nuts. But soon you’ll get a bigger picture. It’s a fun point in our spiritual journey. You can have unashamed, unabashed, unadulterated sex as often as you want with your partner.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Do You Fall In Love Too Easily?

by zfortadminin LOVE

When you fall in love easily, it’s never just with love. It’s with ideas. And places. And ideas of places. And people, of course, and all the things you think you could amount to.

You imagine the ways these things are meant for you, connect the coincidental dots to prove it. When you fall in love with another person, you wait for them to say they return the sentiment; when you fall in love with so many things, you have to find it for yourself.

You fall in love with all the jobs for which you apply — imagining how you’d situate your cubicle and make friends with coworkers and come home with sparkling stories of the great, important things you’re up to, only slightly imbued with exhaustion — all as you fill out the application.

But you also fall in love with the jobs you never get. The jobs you never interview for.

You fall in love with strangers in restaurants and on public transportation: people you’ll never see again, but who are beautiful and wonderful and undiscovered, as if maybe either of you will build up the courage to say hello, and that’s all there is to it. That will be all it will take, and you’ll look back on that day together and think, we almost might not have been, but thank God we did.

And you fall in love with little everyday things — with idealized photos of the way your apartment could look, with the outfits of people who seem so effortlessly put together and nonplussed about it all, with the life you could have. With your morning routine, with your daydreams during your commute. With the life you only believe you lead in your mind.

It’s so easy to fall in love with things you’ll always fall just short of ever having.

Because it is easier that way, to live in the what if and the could be and the dream world. When you’re the one who falls in love easily, you fall in love with all the things that are easy to fall in love with, the things kept at a distance, the things that will not love you back. Because when they love you back — when that love is real and something to be acted on, it has to be cultivated. And then comes the second part to the idea of love: then comes the work.

But when you don’t have to work, loving is easy. That’s why it’s so easy to fall in love. There’s no obligations, no phone calls, no anniversaries to remember. When you fall in love with jobs you never had, you never have to make deadlines. You’ll never be fired. And when you fall in love with a life you never lived, you don’t ever have to wake up when life falls short of the way you dreamed it.

Because when you fall in love easily, you also set yourself up for the fall. Because when you fall in love easily, you never have to deal with someone else breaking your heart. You’re already doing that yourself.

And when you set yourself up for a hundred little daily heartbreaks, you feel like you’re more accustomed to it. Like you’re better prepared for the day when you DO fall in love, when you DO meet the love of your life and they don’t love you back, or when you DO go on your job interview and still don’t land the role. If you imagine a trillion little what ifs, you can’t be disappointed.

But you also can’t go after what you want if you always keep it at a distance.

Because it is easy to fall in love, because it is easy to keep from living. It is easy to hide, and to say that you are the person who falls in love too easily, and that is, of course true. You fall in love easily. But love is never easy. Love is hard. Really loving, really risking yourself is terrifying and difficult and frightening and confusing and strange.

Love is worth it, though.

And the thing about that love that’s worth it, is that it feels easy when it’s real. Not always, but a lot of the time. It feels easy even though it’s not. Because when things are worth living for, and worth loving for, they may be hard, but they’re also natural.

But you can’t hide who you are just because you fall in love easy. You also have to stay in love. And that takes work. That takes not just loving, but living, too.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Saying ‘No’ to a Date

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

From the up-front “No thanks” to the “long, slow good-bye.”

Dating is hard! Awkward! Weird! But the only thing harder, more awkward, and weirder than dating (which, okay, can also be fun and pleasant and great-ish, occasionally), is actually saying no to a date. The cripplingly cringe-y factor of having to do the “I’m just not that into you” dance is the worst.

Here, nine women share their strategies for how they turn down a date—or just avoid it, depending on the style (and level of cowardice) of each particular lady.

Rachel, 28

“I am very blunt when I’m not interested. I don’t have to do that very often, though, because I’m also very blunt when I don’t want to give someone my number. So if you’re texting me in the first place, I’m probably going to say yes. If it’s any date other than the first one, I will say no and tell them why, in the way that I’d want to be told—I’m not feeling it going anywhere but thanks for your time, etc. The reason I give is true about 70 percent of the time; the only ones I lie to are the really nice ones where there was just no chemistry, because men never believe there was no chemistry if they were attracted to you. To them I say, ‘Hey, so, I really enjoyed getting to meet you, but things have gotten a bit more serious with someone else I was seeing and I’m going to see where that goes. Best of luck,’ and they are always great about it. Most of them are just like, ‘Cool, text me if it doesn’t work out.’ And that one actually works BETTER if you’ve been dodging dates/texts for a week and feeling like a dick about it, because it has a built-in explanation for your flakiness. Highly recommend, though effects on karma remain unknown.”

Sarah, 28

“During my tenure on the NYC dating scene I practiced the “long, slow good-bye” with reckless abandon. If you’re not familiar, a “long, slow good-bye” is a strategically and subtly reduced frequency of contact. (Example: He texts, you respond one day later. He responds, you respond two days later. He texts, you respond four full days later…I usually double the amount of time I wait with each response, but you can use any time frame you deem appropriate for your predisposed texting cadence.) I do realize that this technique is far from unique or unorthodox—in fact, it’s probably the most selfish easiest way to dump someone. Irrespective of my favor toward the “long, slow good-bye” method, I probably wouldn’t recommend it to anyone new to the dumping scene. My reasoning is equally as selfish as the method itself: The “long, slow good-bye” is followed by an ominous feeling of guilt and self-contempt if you have even a morsel of a conscience. Additionally, your formerly blissful nights spent at Dorrian’s and Bounce will be forever marred by hauntingly inevitable run-ins with past dumpees. I can tell you that this is an experience about as pleasant as a root canal and provides an ABRUPT reminder that time does not heal all wounds. The fling you ‘long slow good-bye-d’ when you were 24 will still loathe you when you’re 35.”

Rebecca, 34

“One time on a bus a guy asked me for my number, and instead of being honest I gave him a fake one. Because Murphy’s Law is real, the man dialed it in front of me then proceeded to shame me in front of my fellow passengers. Since then I made two promises to myself: 1. That I would always be kind but honest if asked out—usually a, ‘No thank you’ is enough—and 2. That I would never blame it on having a partner, because I should be allowed to just not like someone and not feel bad about it.”

Gillian, 23

“I don’t like to condone lying, BUT I lie constantly when it comes to dating and/or getting out of dating. I have a really nasty habit (working on it) of bailing on a date hours before it’s supposed to happen, usually with the old, ‘Oh shit, I’m sorry, my boss just told me I have to work late. So mad! Rain check?’ but that is my tamest lie. I’ve pulled the ‘family emergency out of town’ far too many times, and my real low point was when I told a guy that my sister was in the hospital when she is perfectly healthy. To be fair, I usually pull this crap with Tinder dates and I’m much nicer with actual prospects, set-ups, and people I’ve actually met IRL. But yes, I am rude and terrible, and I’m sure my karma is so stacked against me at this point that I will be single for life.”

Lauren, 28

“When a guy asks me on a date over text I pull the awkward, ‘Suuuure, let’s find a dayyyy,’ and then am vague, noncommittal, and generally annoying until we can both agree that life is SO crazy right now and…*FADED* because I’m nonconfrontational and don’t know how to be a real person. I recognize that I’m the worst and it’s so rude—and personally, I’d much rather have someone just be straightforward with me and tell me he just doesn’t want to see me anymore, but….”

Rowena, 28

“If it’s only been two or three dates (I try to give everyone a second chance unless they’re truly terrible), I usually just say I’m really busy and ghost. If it’s been more than that, though, I’ll be honest and say I don’t think it’s the right thing for me.”

Kim, 26

“When someone asks me out and I don’t want to go with them, it’s not that hard to make my scheduling sound so impossible that I can’t ever see them! This happens a lot. And then when they still persist, like asking for coffee or something, I tell them I don’t drink coffee and that’s not even a lie! I’m a huge bitch and that is why I am single.”

Monica, 28

“I am SPINELESS when it comes to turning down guys. To the point where, when one guy asked me out on a second date that I was not interested in going on, I typed out a very nice ‘You’re great, but I don’t think we’re right for each other’ text message to reply with and then proceeded to continually stare at it but not actually send the thing—until finally too much time passed and I had just ghosted on him by default. I’m totally guilty of just fading out/not replying in lieu of saying no. Part of it is wanting to avoid confrontation, for sure, and feeling guilty about being mean, but I also feel like I suck at dating/meeting people and therefore give myself a hard time for wanting to shoot down an interested party, however politely. So instead of saying no, I usually just say nothing.”

Charlize, 30

“When a guy asks me out on a date in person and I want to decline, I usually say that I’m in a relationship. Sometimes this is a lie and sometimes it is true. I just think there’s no constructive aspect to being honest about why you’re saying no in the initial encounter ifthey’ve approached you in the right (respectful) way. That shit takes balls on their part. However, given the gift of the scenario in which some asshole tries to do it, I relish in every opportunity for the public takedown. Then comes the all-too-familiar scenario of meeting someone—whether it’s over the Internet or in person—and being initially attracted enough to exchange numbers, then being turned off for whatever (read: any) reason. When the making IRL plans topic is broached, I initially put it off. ‘I’m going away this weekend, but let’s talk next week’ works 75 percent of the time in getting rid of human people and 100 percent of the time in getting rid of Internet people. Guys will drop anything if it becomes too hard, in New York especially, no matter how attractive it initially was. I usually save the ‘I don’t think this is a match’ for someone suggesting a second date after an unenjoyable first. In rare occasions I’ve given that halfway through a first, but only when it was really painful or offensive.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article