Are you looking for answers on how to spice up your love life? There are ways you can do to increase emotional intimacy in your relationship.
Here are 7 tips to help you relax with someone special
Increase Emotional Intimacy in Relationships
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” – Jane Austen
“He was as remote as the dark side of the moon. When he left, I returned his mail, having written on the envelopes ‘Never known at this address’. Because although we were married for nine years, I really do feel I never really knew him. And he didn’t know me at all.”
Strange one, this: how can we live with someone, see them every day, sleep with them (Biblically and otherwise), share all kinds of experiences, but still not feel emotionally intimate with them? Candice was telling me the reasons why she felt she’d had to divorce her husband.
“It wasn’t that he did anything wrong. It’s just that he doesn’t really do intimacy; looking back, we were never close.”
As she spoke, I pondered what ’emotional intimacy’ really means.
Getting emotionally intimate
Emotional intimacy is a sense of closeness to another person; a real sense of two-way empathy. When we’re emotionally intimate, we can share personal feelings, display affection, and not be dismissed or judged harshly but accepted ‘in the round’.
I love the idea that a real friend “is one who can see straight through you and still enjoy the view.” And some romantic partners describe their special person as their ‘best friend’ – a perfect combination of physical and emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy can exist between friends, family relations, and lovers. Some people even feel emotional intimacy with their pet. There’s no doubt that a sense of shared intimacy is important for both mental and physical health (1).
So you have intimacy when you feel spontaneous, natural, and trusting they feel as connected to you. But it goes deeper than that.
A sense of shared perception
I think emotional intimacy is also a sense of seeing life through the same eyes, sharing experiences in similar ways and feeling connected in knowing what one another would probably think about something, as in: “John would have loved this…”
Emotional intimacy is so important; but what if you find it difficult to let yourself feel close and intimate? Perhaps you find it difficult to relax and be intimate with people, even when you’ve known them for a long time. These emotional intimacy tips should help you to connect more deeply with people in your life.
Couples often tell me they like their hot sex life and wonder why my partner, Tim and I are so enchanted by slow sex. The answer is simple. We both liked our hot sex life too but we were aware – as Tim had been reading spiritual teacher Barry Long’s books like – Making Love: Sexual Love the Divine Way – that there was another kind of making love available which meant we could rise to new levels of connection with each other in a soul/spiritual way.
Over the years, we have gradually learnt to be with each other in a different way, in a more present way, in a more heart-open way, in a way where we profoundly relax into each other because orgasm is not the goal, we find that another more soulful sexual energy arises.
Sometimes, I describe our sex life before as like paddling in a stream, whereas now we are swimming freely in the wide-open ocean. It’s a time we decide to spend together consciously where we might be gazing at one another while Tim’s penis is inside me, or he might be holding my breasts, or I might be holding his penis. Or simply lying together naked gently caressing each other. This and much more is all slow sex.
There is a misnomer with regards to slow sex, it does not mean being still all the time. Slow sex refers to the idea that you become more conscious and aware of what you are doing and how you are doing it, it means to take time to become present in your own body so that you can truly be present with each other. That’s the most significant guideline and it does take time and practice.
The other day I was talking to a male friend and he said that he and his ex-partner of 8 years, never gazed at each other when they were making love. He sounded sad when he said it. Often because it requires a level of vulnerability, couples find it difficult to connect intimately while having sex. Over the years, this is what we have discovered and why we’re so keen to support other couples find this new level with each other.
However there are no rules involved. Slow sex may include a lot of movement, and it may not. It’s very much about the freedom to be real with each other and to inhabit that moment as fully as possible. And it’s not about taking hours to do it. Sometimes, we spend as little as 20 or 30 minutes connecting in this way, and it’s enough to ground us in loving relationship which helps us feel bonded with ourselves and with each other for the rest of the day.
I recommend slow sex on other levels as well. For instance, it enhances my sense of well-being, my inner peace and increases my levels of loving generosity too, which in turn affects my other relationships and interactions in the world. It also has an effect on my creativity. I have some of my best ideas while hanging out making love.
In her book Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sex, Diana Richardson describes slow sex as a revolutionary practice for couples to enhance sexuality and reach a higher state of consciousness. She also talks about how slow sex is a way to increase sensitivity and that is certainly what has happened to Tim and I. Sex that focuses on orgasm as a goal means you are constantly looking ahead, not really present, while slow sex enables you both to simply focus on the myriad of subtle delightful feelings all along the way.
5 Keys to Slow Sex
1) Slow sex turns sex into a conscious decision rather than an accidental encounter.
2) Focusing on eye contact, subtle sensations and deep breathing, slow sex awakens the body’s innate mechanism for ecstasy.
3) Slow sex transforms sex into a meditative, loving union of complementary equal and opposite forces and energies.
4) With the emphasis on coolness rather than heat, this practice provides couples with a way to achieve higher consciousness.
5) The practice of slow sex includes deep penetration as well as soft penetration and offers a style that can be enjoyed well into old age.
Do you want to know if the guy you’re dating is really into you? Check the list below if they’re happening with you while dating.
1. Texts her throughout the day. You just met your boo and you have a good feeling, like, a really good feeling. You can’t stop thinking about her. You’ll text her while you’re in class, you’ll text her while you’re in a meeting, you’ll text her while you’re crossing the road. BEEP BEEP!
2. Loses sleep. By the time you get home, take a shower, and browse the internet for a bit, it’s time for bed. So, you’ll head to your room, switch off the lights, jump under the covers and call her. Because when you’re into someone, you don’t get to sleep for eight hours (unless you skip class or call in sick for work.)
3. Taps her a**. When she’s walking by, just for the heck of it.
4. Plays around. You’re going on the road to grab some dinner, and you ask “Babe, would you like anything?” and she responds “No, I just had something to eat.” But when you get back home, and begin to devour your meal she uninvitingly takes a bite. And, then, she looks at you with that sheepish smirk on her face. So, you pretend to be pissed.
5. Texts “I miss you.” And wait for her to respond, “I miss you too.”
6. Texts “I love you.” She’ll respond “I love you too.” And if you’re the really mushy type, you may take it one step further and say “I love you more.” Damn, that sounds sappy.
7. Cuddles her. At 5:00 am, when you’re half asleep, you’ll roll over to her side of the bed, put your arms around her and pull her close. And for her, that’s the best feeling ever. Every girl will agree.
8. Cleans up. He’ll help out, willingly. And even learn to put the toilet seat down. The toilet thing might take up to 10 years, but it’s a good sign when it happens.
9. Slow dances. You’re in the club, dancing to rap music (or as the older folks say “grinding on each other”) because apparently what we do these days is not exactly dancing. Towards the end of the night, when the DJ switches up the music and plays a song like “All of Me,” you’ll turn your girl around, put your arms around her waist, and look into her eyes. And actually dance!
10. Hugs her. You’re watching a movie and you want to get comfortable. So you’ll stretch out your legs (on a foot rest), inch closer and wrap your arms around her. She’ll then shuffle in your arms and rest her head on your shoulder.
11. Really listens. After making love, she may want to talk a little. She’ll fold her hands and rest them on your chest, using it as a cushion for her chin. And while she asks you all kinds of questions — because women always have stuff on their minds — you’ll stroke her hair and gently rub her arms.
12. Teases her. When she does something silly, he’ll tease her right back. Because it’s kind of cute when she gets worked up over minor stuff.
13. Looks out for her. You’re up late doing work, but you’ve had enough, so you close your laptop and head to your room. And there she is lying across the bed, sprawled out. Clearly, women can’t sleep in a straight line (it’s impossible for them). But more importantly, you don’t want her to get chilly nor be eaten alive by mosquitos, so you cover her with the sheet.
14. Watches her sleep. You finally get into bed, take a second to gaze at her, smile contentedly and then you’re off to sleep.
If you’re doing these things, your man may already have one foot out the door.
Ladies, if you think you have relationships all figured out, prepare to have your world rocked.
In a previous article, “Dance With Her (And 9 More Ways To Earn Her Forever Love)“, I spoke to men about ways to increase their chances of sustaining a long-lasting and devoted partnership.
I often read about or hear women discussing the latest advice on how to keep a man, or how to rock his world in bed. Those types of articles have contributed to the continued divide between women and men regarding relationships. That advice has women believing there’s a magic formula to keeping a man interested in you.
But you can’t keep a man who won’t be kept, no matter what magic trick you perform in bed.
It’s your connection to your partner that makes it unique, not the techniques you’ve picked up in a magazine. After all, the next woman he meets probably read the same article.
Women do a few things that ensure a failed relationship, but before you fly off the handle, take a second to look at things from a man’s perspective. You might understand why you and your significant other have quit on each other.
1. You disclose the “dirty details” to your friends.
Women with girlfriends who know more about you than he does are less likely to have a devoted partner. And if you share details of your personal intimacies in your relationship, especially your bedroom activities, you don’t deserve his devotion in the first place.
How would you feel if you knew he was discussing the details of your body or skills with his friends? And please, don’t think we don’t know that you’re doing it. Any guy with a modicum of intelligence knows.
Plus, your friends aren’t really good at hiding the fact that they know more about us than we’d like them to. Interestingly enough, women who are in fabulous relationships tend not to share any details of their intimate relationship with their friends.
Men like to feel that they’re part of an exclusive team; don’t deprive them of that by letting others know what’s going on in the locker room. Instead, do right by your partner and talk to him about how you feel.
2. You think you can change/fix us.
Ladies, we will only modify our behavior if we’re convinced that doing so will make us happier, better men. Any modification to our behavior based on your insistence will not be sustained.
The reality is that you’ll see the best part of us when you start dating us. This is when we’re trying to impress you. From that point on, you’d better hang on because those little habits you sort of don’t care for will later generate a raging wave of resentment towards us.
So, when you consider making a life with a man, look to how his actions make you feel, then listen to his words to see what they make you think of him as a partner.
If his actions make you feel insignificant in his life, cut him loose. And if his words make you think he’s unkind or inconsiderate, head for the hills. Just don’t try to change or fix us — because you can’t. We aren’t broken; we’re just not for you.
Sex and yoga have a lot in common. They’re both about opening and stretching into new places. Going deep inside yourself to find strength and endurance you didn’t know you had. Softening and letting go to remove your civilized layers and return to yourself.
You can use each to amplify the power of the other.
I went on a remote yoga retreat with my lover last fall. It was life-changing. I was cracked open wider and wilder than I have ever been before.
The combination of having a full week devoted just to us, quantum-leaped our connection. Doing yoga together daily stretched the crusty parts of us open and dissolve. Being immersed in an off-the-grid experience (no electricity, sleeping in open-air villas) reconnected us to our natural rhythms.
Sex is part of your natural rhythm.
Like yoga, the more you commit to it, and trust it and learn to let go, it will transform you. The little parts of you that get in your way, your defenses, your ego and chatter mind, can all be dissolved through a powerful yoga session.
Or an hour of life-shifting sex.
I recommend taking a weeklong sex date several times a year to get out of your routine, and into each other. You will revitalize your selves, cells and relationship.
In between those weeks, you can maximize your time in yoga classes and during your weekly sex dates.
Here’s where sex and yoga come together:
1) What happens in bed and on the mat carries out into life. What I love about yoga, is the microcosm. I physically open, stretch and cultivate a practice of letting go. When I leave the class, I feel more open, patient and relaxed.
Sex has the same impact on me: when I am assertive and strong in bed, it strengthens my assertiveness and strength in life. The more I allow myself to receive pleasure in bed, the more open to it I am (and expect it) in my day-to-day existence.
2) Sex and yoga rebirth you. Yoga helps you to leave your ego and the constructed parts of yourself behind. The more you practice, the more you relate to the world from a natural, un-self-conscious place.
After cataclysmic sex, I stumble out of the bedroom and the world feels new. I feel new. This is one of the major reasons why I am such an advocate for the spiritual and therapeutic benefits of sex: it transforms us.
There is a good reason why we call orgasm “la petite mort.”
3) Sanctuary. We all need a place to retreat. We take off our armor, sigh, and are held. Yoga gives you a space to unwind your tension and sink deep into yourself.
Sex does this twofold: you open and sink into yourself and into another person.
4) Breath is key. In yoga, the poses are a vehicle to move the breath. Yoga is like a breath-bath. Every nook and cranny of your being gets cleansed. The breath unclogs stuck energy and gets your system flowing optimally again.
During sex, breathe as consciously and fully as you would during yoga. The breath carries potent, sexual energy (even stronger than regular “chi” or “prana”) throughout your body, rejuvenating and healing you in the process. Deeper breathing also leads to full-body orgasms, multiple orgasms and stamina-building in men.
5) Balancing out with the feminine. Yoga is fantastic for getting you into your archetypal feminine energy: learning how to flow, be receptive and surrender.
In our busy, modern lives, most of us live from our “masculine.” We do more, stay active and driven in order to achieve. We forget that learning to open, attract and receive can be as powerful for getting things done.
The art of surrender is the key to powerful sex. Both sexes can tap into the state of learning how to receive, and how to be.
6) Flexibility in mind and body. The best sex is borne out of an open, non-judgmental way of being: everything is accepted. Plus, the physical ability to hold challenging yogic postures clearly transfers into a talent for marathon sex.
It goes both ways: the ability to cultivate four-hour orgasms will strengthen your yoga practice.
7) Pelvic power. Yoga tones the pelvic floor, bringing more conscious awareness. You will improve sexual sensitivity and boost your orgasmic potential and control.
Sex and yoga help to lubricate the hips and the heart: both crucial tools for day-to-day living and loving. Use both as tools to breakthrough to a state of yo-gasmic bliss.
There are rules in a lesbian relationship people don’t understand…
No matter what type of relationship you are in, there are rules, but rules in a lesbian relationship are something that a lot of #people don’t understand. I’ve been in a gay relationship for 6 years and there are rules in a lesbian relationship that none of my friends get – but that’s okay! I’ve got all of the rules #below that can really help you understand how a lesbian or even a gay relationship works!
1. THERE ARE NO GENDER DEFINITIONS
When it comes to lesbian relationships, one of the top rules in a lesbian relationship is that there are no gender definitions. Just because I work outside of the home and my partner works inside the home, doesn’t mean that I am suddenly the ‘man’ in the #relationship. It just means that I work outside and she works in. There aren’t automatically roles that lesbian relationships follow, it depends on the participants.
2. NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS A BUTCH/FEMME
Also, not every relationship has a butch lesbian and a femme lesbian. Truthfully, a lot of #people have that misconception about lesbians and it’s simply not true. In my #relationship, we are just us, regular people who happen to love one another. I am not a femme or a butch and neither is my #partner.
3. SEX TOYS
Another rule in a lesbian relationship is that not every relationship has to have sex toys – and if a lesbian does use them, it doesn’t mean that she is missing something. Truthfully, a #girl can get off in so many other ways and sex toys can just be for fun. In a lesbian #relationship, us girls just want to have fun!
4. SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A STAPLE EVERY NIGHT
Because you are dealing with two girls, there isn’t a rule that you have to have sex every single night. You can actually go a few weeks or even months without sex just because you don’t feel like it. Try that out with a guy and who knows what can happen to your #relationship!
5. NURTURING THE RELATIONSHIP TAKES TIME
A lot of the #time, people just assume that because two lesbians are dating, they are automatically engaged – or that just because they are in a relationship, they automatically want to settle down. Nurturing the #relationship takes a long time and trust me, a girl wants to know her partner inside and out before completely committing.
6. ANY CHEATING IS STILL CHEATING
In a lesbian relationship, any cheating, whether it is online, with another #girl or even with another guy – it’s all considered cheating. This is a huge rule in my #relationship and because of past relationships, I have a bunch of trust issues. This is another misconception that #people have about lesbian relationships – that if a lesbian cheats with a guy, doesn’t mean that she is cheating. Not true!
7. NO AUTOMATIC THREESOMES
Finally, another rule in a lesbian relationship all revolves around threesomes. Just because a girl is in another relationship with another #girl, doesn’t automatically mean that she is going to ask for a threesome. In my relationship, I can’t share – ever.
So, while these are some rules and misconceptions that you might not understand – do you get them a little better now? Lesbian relationships are normal and have rules just like anyone else! So, what other rules do you have in your #relationship?
At a certain point in every relationship, dollar pizza date nights just don’t cut it anymore. You’ve got to step up your game, and what better way to do that than get the hell out of town? Weekend trips are great, but they can also be a hassle to plan. So to save you the pain of poring over Fodor’s and Expedia, we picked out a romantic rendezvous point in every state in America. We favored smaller towns and quiet lakes/mountains/beaches to make it seem more like a “getaway,” and tried to steer clear of experiences that hinged too heavily on one really kick-ass resort. (Though we certainly dug into some hotel recs.) Enjoy your stay, and be sure to tip your B&B hosts well:
Alabama
Orange Beach
The Orange Beach area of ‘Bama had activities for you and your your frat bros (Hangout Fest! Pristine beaches ripe for dumping your cooler of cheap lager!), but it also boasts plenty to do now that you’re an adult and attempting to impress someone not wearing an airbrushed tank. You can ride the Ferris wheel on The Wharf, go mini-golfing on Adventure Island, take a glass-blowing class at the arts center, or, you know, lie on the beach. But anytime you have the opportunity to eat and drink on a boat while watching dolphins, you should always take it. So make that a priority.
Fairbanks
While reenacting your favorite scenes from Balto is romantic in its own way, a couples retreat in AK isn’t complete without some Northern Lights action. Your best bet is to head to Fairbanks. Make sure to book a place with aurora wake-up calls (many of them do this) and then decide whether you want to embark on a lights-themed van tour or dogsled adventure for the day. Keep in mind that the latter will fulfill those Balto fantasies.
Arizona
Sedona
You’re going to Sedona to marvel at all the majestic red rocks, but it’s your call whether you do this via pink Jeep tour or hot-air balloon. (But trust us: unless your date has Barbie Dream Car fantasies, there’s really only one option here.) When you decide you need a break from staring at nature, head to one of the city’s 20 art galleries to take in the fine Southwestern paintings and ceramics. Then head back outside to hike, kayak, ride ATVs, or maybe just drink wine in the fresh AZ air.
Arkansas
Eureka Springs
The very phrase “Victorian mountain village” should sell you on this AR escape, but in case you need more convincing, here it goes: Eureka Springs has outdoorsy activities (canoes, scooter tours, big cat refuges, etc.). Eureka Springs has small-town charm (chocolate shops, kaleidoscope-kite stores, dinner trolleys, etc.). But most important, it has mountain opera, which everyone knows is the best kind.
California
Napa
Napa Valley is the expected choice here, but you can mix it up by pretending to be Batman and enjoying your California wines in a legit cave. While there are many excellent, echo-y options out there, most of them are reserved for private parties (read: crazy expensive to book). But at Jarvis Estate, it’s part of the tour! After you’ve finished your subterranean wining, there’s plenty of excellent food, shopping, and river sports in Napa to fill the rest of your vacation. Also, lots more wine.
Colorado
Estes Park
You’re probably thinking this should be a ski resort town, but why limit yourself to the slopes? At Estes Park, active couples can go whitewater rafting, fishing, horseback riding, hiking, climbing, zip-lining, and ropes-coursing all in one weekend. Once they finally wear themselves out, there are spas or booze centers (wineries, breweries, and distilleries!) where they can unwind. Or just recharge before hitting salsa night at Kelli’s Lounge, which seems like the only thing to do after enjoying a booze center.
Mystic
After getting hitched, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall famously retreated to the seaside town of Mystic. Because you also want a town that is small, pretty, and full of coastal photo ops should the admiring paparazzi, who we are sure constantly totally follow you, want a picture of you with a good backdrop, you should head here, too. The main attraction in town is the Mystic Seaport, where you can see old restored ships and a tiny recreated 19th-century village. (You better believe they have a printing press.) There’s also an aquarium, planetarium, and dining options outside that one famous pizza place. And if you’re all about authenticity, you gotta book a stay at Bogie and Bacall’s actual hotel, The Inn at Mystic.
Delaware
Montchanin (Brandywine Valley)
Montchanin is where the very lovely Inn at Montchanin Village is based, but you’re not going there to explore that town specifically (it’s an unincorporated community, anyway). You’re going there to drop your bags, maybe do a quick spin around the hotel gardens, and head out to the larger Brandywine Valley area. While you won’t be inundated with an incredibly boozy concoction everywhere you go, the region, which encompasses swaths of Delaware and Pennsylvania, does have several gorgeous manors and gardens there, including the Nemours Mansion andWinterthur, built by the Du Pont family. You can check out those, plus theDelaware Art Museum and, like, so many parks. But if your partner has a home shopping addiction, beware: the QVC studios are just over the state line.
Florida
Amelia Island Florida may be worse than New Jersey, but it does have amazing beaches. And if you’re in the Sunshine State with a boy/lady friend, you might as well find one where you’re allowed to ride horses! Amelia Island itself is pretty quiet, so you’ll get a more intimate experience than you would in Key West or Miami Beach. Plus it’s named after a princess, so you know it’s fancy. There’s requisite scuba and parasailing action, but also aPARTY BOUNCE PLAY full of inflatable slides and bounce houses. It’s technically for children, though they might be open to letting a nice-looking adult couple in.
Georgia
Savannah
OK, we know Savannah isn’t some tucked-away little town – it’s one of the largest cities in the state. But we’re willing to bend the rules a little here because it’s so ridiculously pretty. A stroll through Forsyth Park (with its trademark fountain) is a must. So is browsing the vendors (and ships) along River St. You can see a lot of the historic district through a trolley tour, which is always fun. But if you’re the type of couple that watches Poltergeist on Valentine’s Day, you can opt for a ghost tour instead. Just be sure to wear your most romantic all-black outfits.
Kauai
Look, you just can’t lose with Hawaii. You could seek out the dumpiest motel and eat exclusively McDonald’s, and your special friend would still be impressed. Not that you should do that. (Please don’t do that.) But if we had to choose a particular island for your retreat, it would have to be Kauai. Why? Lumahai Beach, Hanalei Valley, and Waimea Canyon. Google them. Book your trip. Done.
Idaho
McCall
Whether you’re looking to escape in June or January, McCall can cater to your vacation needs. In the winter, the resort town offers snowshoeing, snow tubing, and skiing off Brundage Mountain. (Also, hot springs in a ghost town. Seductive!) In the summer, you can use Payette Lake for all sorts of water sports. A Loch Ness-type figure named Sharlie is rumored to hang around, so if you wanna really make an impression and score a private patch of the lake, just shout his name.
Illinois
Galena
Yes, Galena has wine tours. Yes, Galena has carriage rides. Yes, Galena has antique stores. Yes, Galena has a 2,050-foot alpine slide. But it also has the Ulysses S. Grant Home, and nothing’s quite as sexy as dead presidents named Ulysses.
Indiana
Wabash
Wabash is home to many parks and an apple orchard, so you’ll have no shortage of romantic strolling options, and the shops range from thrift stores to doughnut hubs, so all interests are accounted for. Most importantly, there’s the 13-24 Drive In, so you can snuggle up under the stars to, uh, The Transporter Refueled.
Decorah
Decorah gets name-dropped a lot in reference to The Hotel Winneshiek, a pretty hotel boasting a tap room, “opera house,” and at least two fancy stone pillars. Obviously, you should stay there, but don’t spend all weekend cooped up in the place. Get out to Malanaphy Springs and Phelps Park for your nature fix. Head to the speedway on Saturday, if you’re into fast cars. Or go to the Wayside Skating Rink, if you’re into slower-paced races.
Kansas
Abilene
Get excited, Dwight D. Eisenhower fanatics, ’cause Abilene is the proud site of his presidential library, museum, and boyhood home!! For those who don’t like (or are merely ambivalent about) Ike, you’ll still be pleased with the town’s dinner trains and trolleys, as well as the Seelye Mansionand Brown Park Waterfall. If you aren’t opposed to cowboy kitsch, there are staged gunfights and can-can dances at the Alamo Saloon in “old town.” (Attention ghost hunters: it’s also supposedly haunted.) Finally, pro tip: book the Victorian Inn. Jay and Adrian will take care of you.
Kentucky
Brownsville (Mammoth Cave National Park)
At 400 miles, Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system in the world. That’s the kind of natural wonder that merits a weekend adventure, although you shouldn’t sleep in the actual cave – that’s creepy! (And, we’d imagine, illegal.) Book a spot in nearby Brownsville instead. There’s a B&B with a covered porch, where you can watch hummingbirds as you sip your coffee. And if you get all caved out, Brownsville is a 20-minute drive from Nolin Lake.
Avery Island
Nothing reignites a fiery romance quite like hot sauce (and the ensuing indigestion), so get yourself to Avery Island, home of Tabasco. After you’ve finished up your pancakes at a B&B in New Iberia (the isle doesn’t have hotels), your first priority is Jungle Gardens, a 170-acre collection of azaleas, camellias, an old Buddha statue, and the rogue croc or deer. If you’re a bird-watching couple (reign it in, you party animals!), there’s a separate tour of “Bird City” as well. After you’ve taken in all the pretty flowers, it’s time to tour the hella-romantic Tabasco factory. The hot sauce company has an additional restaurant and Cajun-inspired “food tour” on Avery Island, just in case your date isn’t impressed with bottling operations.
Maine
Kennebunkport
At Kennebunkport, it’s not a question of whether you’re getting on a boat. It’s what type. There are whale-watching boats, schooners, even “scenic lobster cruises.” As far as landside activities go, you obviously have beaches and a lighthouse (off Cape Porpoise) at your disposal. But the place also boasts romantic fine-dining options like The White Barn Innand a “tree spa” that’s literally in the treetops.
Maryland
Smith Island
Ocean City is crowded and full of spring breakers, so assuming shotgunning college kids aren’t what sets the mood, head to one of the Chesapeake Bay’s tiny islands instead. While they all have their merits, only Smith Island has the state’s official, multi-layer dessert: Smith Island Cake. (They really thought hard on that name.) Stuff it, and so many crab cakes, into your face while staring lovingly into your partner’s eyes. Then rent some bikes or kayaks and lap the island. Don’t be alarmed by the locals’ weird accents – the place is so remote, they still have traces of English affectation.
Massachusetts
Nantucket
You like lighthouses? Nantucket has three. You like beaches? Nantuckethas 10. You like whales? Well, you might have mixed feelings about theWhaling Museum, but it’s there! There are also tons of shops and restaurants to hit during your preppy, picturesque New England weekend, so don’t waste too much time posing for profile pictures on Brant Point.
Mackinac Island
There’s a horse-drawn carriage in the place’s logo, so you’d be stupid not to take one through the tiny, frozen-in-time island. But that’s not all there is to do. You can kayak or parasail. You can reserve spots on a “sip ‘n sail” tour (sophisticated booze cruise!). You can stuff your face with free samples of the island’s famous fudge. And if you’re a big fan of cheesy Christopher Reeve movies, you can stay at the gorgeous Grand Hotel, where they filmed Somewhere in Time.
Minnesota
Lutsen (North Shore)
The North Shore is a section of the Lake Superior coastline with all sorts of frameable scenery. If it’s the summer, you can canoe or hit up a picnic site. If it’s the winter, you can snowshoe or skate. And while you have many lodging options, you should probably go with the beloved Lutsen Resort, which boasts the Wine Spectator-approved Lakeside Dining Room.
Mississippi
Natchez
Natchez is located right on the riverbank, so you have all kinds of maritime activity options on the Mississippi River. On land, there are blues concerts happening basically every night, and gorgeous antebellum homes you can actually stay in. Don’t forget the distillery and the winery. Or the carriage tours of historic Downtown.
Missouri
Branson
This lovely Ozark town boasts everything from scenic railway tours tobutterfly palaces. The shopping and restaurant hub is at Branson Landing, which has a $7.5 million fountain production featuring fire cannons and 120-foot geysers. Think the Bellagio meets… the Ozarks. It might sound terrifying, but it’s amazing.
Montana
Whitefish
Biking and hiking are big in the city of Whitefish, as is skiing. (Bonus: when the chairlifts aren’t being use to transport skiers, they’re summertime “gondola rides.”) The Whitefish Mountain Resort also has an “aerial adventure park,” which is basically an obstacle course… in the trees. Another aerial option is a hot-air balloon ride courtesy of 2 Fly Us. As for indoor extracurriculars, consider a massage at one of the city’s spas or grab a pint at Great Northern Brewery.
Valentine
No, we didn’t just pick it because it has romance right in the name. (Although it doesn’t hurt.) Valentine is a prime location to check out the state’s sandhills, and it’s also got the Niobrara River in the mix. Take on the Civilian Conservation Corps Nature Trail, which ends at an old fire tower. At the top is an observation deck with great views of the prairie. If plains aren’t your scene, trek over to Smith Falls State Park to see the highest waterfall in Nebraska. As for lodging, you have plenty of resorts,B&Bs, lodges, and even elk ranches to choose from.
Nevada
Lake Tahoe
A couple’s trip to Nevada necessitates a redirect from the Strip and the, uh, stripping, to the state’s other wonders at Lake Tahoe. It’s huge, surrounded by trees and snowbanks, looks damn fine during a sunset, and considered by some (OK, USA Today) to be the best lake in America. The snowboarding and skiing is pretty famous at this point, but the place has just about every outdoor activity imaginable. Since it’s a resort town, there are also plenty of nice hotels, restaurants, and boutiques. And this is still Nevada, so there are places to playblackjack, if you’re so inclined.
New Hampshire
Pittsburg
“The Snowmobiling Capital of New England” is a very specific nickname, but those winter speedsters aren’t the only thing Pittsburg has going for it. Lake Francis State Park is a pretty big draw, although if you don’t like that lake, the town has five others (and almost all of them are named after Connecticut). Be sure to seek out Garfield Falls, and the steak at the Rainbow Grille. Before you leave, also be sure to congratulate the town on having one less letter than that Pennsylvania town. We assume it’s saved so much money on tourism brochures over the years.
New Jersey
Cape May
All right, get out all your jokes about “romantic New Jersey” now. You can also go ahead and mock us for picking a Jersey Shore destination if you like, but there’s a world of difference between Seaside Heights and Cape May. First off, you won’t bump into Snooki here. Second, the place has its own winery and brewery. (A brewery, we might add, with a pretty excellent sampler deal.) Third, it’s got museums and even a theater to pair with the requisite beach activities, like parasailing, Jet Skiing, and general boating. Fourth, there’s a downright impressive amount of B&Bs, meaning you won’t have to pony up for a beach house rental. Fifth, we mentioned no Snookis, right?
Cloudcroft
Don’t let the crazy-high elevation (8,600 feet) scare you away from this pretty N.M. village. Tourists routinely praise the rail trails, which afford great views of all the lush scenery and old railroads. Couples with matching goggles can shred Ski Palace. And while golf might not be the most obvious couples activity, the course at The Lodge is too good to pass up.
New York
Skaneateles (Finger Lakes) The Finger Lakes are your go-to New York destination in this arena, but there are 11 of them, and they all span different towns. So we’re picking Skaneateles, because it’s the hardest to spell. Its twowineries, art gallery,lake cruises, and neighboring strawberry fields (not the psychedelic kind) also helped.
North Carolina
Duck (Outer Banks)
When you’re discussing a chain of barrier islands in the Atlantic, “secluded” becomes pretty relative, but Duck has managed to stay (relatively) under the radar, meaning you’ll find it slightly more private than the rest of the Outer Banks. Unless you’re renting a house, you have just two hotel options: Sanderling Resort or the Advice 5¢ B&B. Don’t worry, they’re both great. This is a tiny town, so you’re mainly going to take advantage of the quieter beaches and boardwalk, but make a point to swing by Duck Donuts on at least one of your mornings.
North Dakota
Medora
We’re obviously sending you to the Badlands – ignore the name, they’re pretty! – but specifically to historic Medora. The place is home toTheodore Roosevelt National Park, and you know if it’s got Teddy’s name on it, it’s a natural beaut. You can buy carriage ride tickets at the mini golf place, or stagecoach ride tickets at the Chateau de Mores Interpretive Center, if you still haven’t gotten over your Oregon Trail obsession. For dinner, head to Theodore’s Dining Room, unless you’re ready for the wacky marvel that is Pitchfork Fondue.
Logan (Hocking Hills)
The Hocking Hills region has heaps of natural wonders – it’s just a matter of how much you wanna hike. The state park offers six major trails that take you to Ash Cave, Cedar Falls, Cantwell Cliffs, Conkle’s Hollow, Old Man’s Cave, or Rock House. They’re all spectacular, but if you want easy access to the scene above (that’s Cedar Falls), your best bet is to book a spot at The Inn & Spa at Cedar Falls. It’s pet-friendly! And it has mud wraps, which are totally sexy if you like looking like a swamp monster temporarily.
Oklahoma
Broken Bow
Broken Bow has hills (the Kiamichi Mountains) and water (Broken Bow Lake) to suit all your scenic needs. History nerds will no doubt love theGardner Mansion & Museum, which houses an extensive collection of Native American artifacts. After a long day of canoeing and history lessons, you can unwind at Girls Gone Wine, which is not nearly as trashy as the name would suggest.
Oregon
Cannon Beach
You might recognize Cannon Beach through Haystack Rock, a puffin hotspot that rises 235 feet out of the water. You can walk right up to it during low tide to gawk at all the sea life surrounding it. But if large ocean rocks aren’t your thing, the city has several other beach options at Ecola State Park, Hug Point, and Arcadia Beach. The non-sandy part of town offers constant arts festivals, glassblowing galleries, creperies, and a distillery. Put them all together and you have one wild Saturday afternoon.
Pennsylvania
Jim Thorpe
Anywhere in the Poconos is an ideal PA getaway, but if you’re planning a couples vacation, you should probably go with the town that’s oftencompared to Switzerland. Jim Thorpe boasts easy access to ski slopes and stables for horseback riding – and it’s right by Pocono Mountain Paintball, too! (You laugh, but it worked for Heath Ledger.) The town itself is full of pretty Victorian homes, including one you can actually tour: the Asa Packer Mansion.
Newport
Newport is so money, and it absolutely knows it. The town is home to so many Gilded Age manors, there’s a separate “mansions” page on its tourism site. Once you’ve gawked at enough chandeliers (and tour guides in absurd, old-timey hats), book a massage at one of the town’s several spas or head to the Newport Vineyards tasting room.
South Carolina
Landrum
You’re going to Landrum to stare at the Blue Ridge Mountains, and it’s much easier to do that at The Red Horse Inn, a popular anniversary and honeymoon destination. (You can even get your own cottage!) Landrum is also home to Campbell’s Covered Bridge, the state’s only remaining covered bridge. It’s a prime location for pictures and maybe a picnic. But if you’d rather not pack a basket, there’s always SC barbecue.
South Dakota
Spearfish (Spearfish Canyon)
It’s not often that South Dakota beats Arizona at things, but one part of the Black Hills has AZ beat. Spearfish Canyon is actually older than the Grand Canyon, and most important, less populated with screaming children. The 1,000-foot walls are much narrower, though, so keep that in mind as you wind your way through the rocks, trees, and creek. Make sure to hit Roughlock Falls, a beautiful waterfall featured in (ugh) Dances with Wolves. And do all the outdoorsy extracurriculars (climbing, fishing, biking, etc.) your nature-loving heart desires.
Tennessee
Gatlinburg
According to intel from the Association for Wedding Professionals International, Gatlinburg is the third-most popular wedding destination in the world, so this town knows a thing or two about romance. The Smoky Mountains setting allows for hiking, horseback riding, and skiing (Ober Gatlinburg is the only slope in the state). And the fact that it’s in Tennessee means you can drink moonshine at several distilleries. (Don’t worry, it’s also got wineries and breweries.)
Corpus Christi (Padre Island National Seashore)
Quick note: we’re not talking about South Padre Island, where you’re more likely to find frat bros “surreptitiously” stashing a beer bong than romance. We’re talking about the Padre Island National Seashore, a much calmer stretch of beach with the NPS stamp of approval. You might spy some newborn turtles (like this guy) crawling out to the ocean, but if you miss the baby animals march, there’s still windsurfing, kayaking, and sunbathing to keep you occupied. And you don’t even have to book a hotel in the next town over – the campgrounds are open year-round.
Utah
Park City
Those Mormons might not know how to party, but they do know how to run a ski resort. The secret on Park City got out a long time ago, but as long as you avoid the Sundance stampede, you can have a relaxing retreat. There are two major ski resorts: Deer Valley and the U.S.’s new largest ski bonanza, Park City Mountain Resort, which just this year connected Park City Mountain and The Canyons. All have their charms, and all have other snow options (like sleigh rides and snow tubing) if you need a break from carving up the slopes. Also, you can sign up for tours of the city’s food scene or a wine class from the pros. Do that.
Vermont
Quechee
This village is one of five in the town of Hartford, Vt. While your weekend might take you into West Hartford or all the way over to White River Junction, you should focus on Quechee for three reasons. One: Quechee State Park, which has the state’s largest gorge. Two: The Quechee Ski Hill, which is run by The Quechee Club. And three: the Simon Pearce Restaurant, a locally sourced eatery located on an old mill. It looks like it was painted in a goddamn fairytale – and not one of the grisly Grimm’s ones.
Virginia
Middleburg
There aren’t even 1,000 residents in Middleburg, but somehow, there are five wineries. If you love a good horse show, Fox Chase Farm is kinda famous for those. You can then follow up your classy equestrian event with an art gallery (Middleburg has several). And don’t you dare Airbnb this situation, because the local hotels are firing onallcylinders.
San Juan Island
The “San Juan Islands” consist of 172 islands, but only four have ferry service. One of them is the titular San Juan Island, which has (get your pencils ready) biking, hiking, whale-watching, plane tours, a vineyard, antique shops, a lavender farm, and an alpaca farm. It’s also very picturesque, but if your partner isn’t sold on the promise of alpacas, you might want to reconsider your relationship.
West Virginia
Lewisburg
Downtown Lewisburg is home to all sorts of cute restaurants, antique stores, and art galleries. It’s also got Carnegie Hall, which might not be the most famous Carnegie Hall, but does boast an impressive array of concerts and symphonies. The charming town has more than enough to fill a weekend, but if you feel like trekking into nature, hit up the Lost World Caverns. Then go back inside to the adjacent dinosaur museum.
Wisconsin
Chetek
The city of Chetek has six lakes to its name, so you’ll have no shortage of waterskiing venues. (Just don’t try to compete with the Hydroflites.) There’s also mini-golf and bowling to complement all your water sports. You could stay at the Chetek River Campgrounds, but honestly, that’s downright stupid when you’ve got Canoe Bay. The adults-only resort is a hotspot for anniversaries and even proposals, and frequently shows up on lists of the most romantic hotels in the country.
Wyoming
Jackson
There’s a reason Jackson/Jackson Hole comes up so much when you’re talking Wyoming: it’s kind of the place to be. You can see a lot of the gorgeous sights (Grand Teton National Park, Snake River Valley, etc.) viaan aerial tram that runs from Teton Village to the top of Rendezvous Mountain. And thrill-seeking couples will be stoked to learn about the paragliding flights from the tram’s peak – it’s the largest vertical drop in the U.S. The National Elk Refuge and Laurance Rockefeller Preserve are musts. As for shows, you can watch real cowboys compete at the Jackson Hole Rodeo or some fake cowboys sing “Bless Yore Beautiful Hide” at The Jackson Hole Playhouse.
Skin-to-skin contact can lower your blood pressure, decrease stress levels and really just make you happier.
Only about 8 percent of Americans doze off in their birthday suits, but many more should consider going to bed in the buff. In addition to not having to launder any jammies or crank up the A/C, there are some major, healthy benefits to snoozing au naturel:
You’ll sleep better.
The body is wired to drop its temperature during shut-eye, and the process is necessary for quality sleep. Fuzzy pajamas can keep the body too warm, preventing you from achieving an optimal temperature. This can lead to tossing, turning and restlessness. Your skin works naturally with the rest of the body to cool down so you can drift off, and cozy clothes just make it harder for the body to do its job.
The skin-to-skin contact will relax you.
If you share a bed with your partner, the two of you can benefit from resting unrobed. Skin-to-skin contact can lower your blood pressure, decrease stress levels and really just make you happier.
You might even fall harder for your partner.
A 2014 poll that surveyed about 1,000 married British people found that naked sleepers were most content in their relationships. Fifty-seven percent of people who sleep naked reported feeling happy in their relationships, while only 48 percent who sleep in standard PJs reported the same. Just 15 percent of those who sleep in onesies said they were satisfied with their partner. Moral of this story? Burn your onesies.
Naked sleeping might also lead to having sex more often, which is great for your relationship, your immune system and your sleep quality. Bow chika wow wow.
You’ll get the chance to air out.
Sleeping in underpants creates a warm, moist environment for bacteria and yeast to thrive. Snoozing in your birthday suit reduces the risk for yeast infections, among other ailments.
Yes, sleeping naked is the new black. Just make sure to keep a robe nearby, because being caught naked on the street in the case of a late-night fire alarm isn’t totally en vogue.
One of the best ways to bond with your man is snuggling. It releases the hormone oxytocin, your body’s love signal.
Physical contact is also a fun way to spend time together, and gives you lots of opportunity for pillow talk. The best cuddling positions are dependent on your mood and situation, but here are ten great options for day or night.
1. GETTING SPOONED
This cuddling position is one of the absolute best ways to spend super-close, super-snuggly time together. Spooning involves lying on your side in the same direction as your guy, and cuddling up with your rear up against his front just like in the picture above. Plus, most women are smaller than men, which means they fit perfectly into the contours of their favorite guy’s body.
This is an all-purpose position that doesn’t require a soft bed or couch, since you’re lying on your side, so it works well for picnics in the park, camping, and other outdoorsy moments.
2. SPOONING YOUR MAN
Of course, you can also reverse this cuddling position. Men like to feel cared for and protected too, so give your guy those feelings he craves by wrapping your arms around him and cuddling up to his back. This is a perfect way to incorporate a backrub too, which is sure to up your guy’s love for you. Or reach around and grab his hands for total entwinement.
3. LYING ON HIS STOMACH
We tend to think of cuddling as an after-sex activity, but some cozy snuggles can also get things going, and lying on your guy’s stomach is one of the best cuddling positions for this. When he’s on his back, turn over and lay partially on him, with your head on his chest and your torso on his torso.
This is a perfect arrangement for lying and talking for hours or slowly moving toward something sexier. For extra steaminess, start in this cuddling position with your clothes on and slowly take them off, piece by piece.
4. LYING ON TOP OF HIM
This position for cuddling requires some serious commitment, because you have to climb all the way on top of your man. Therefore it probably isn’t the best bet if you guys aren’t lying on something comfortable, but either way, it’s bound to be cozy for you! Have him spread his legs a bit so you can fit one of yours between his for extra closeness. It’s also the perfect position to start the Man Missionary position from.
5. SITTING IN HIS LAP
This position for cuddling is excellent for watching a movie, eating snacks, chilling out or watching the sun set. Because it’s far more appropriate than most of the lying-down positions, you don’t need to worry about keeping it ‘clean’ for your grandmother or little brothers. That makes it a good way to stay close even on a busy day or when there are lots of people around, which is good, because on these days you both often need an extra hit of love and TLC.
It’s also perfect for moving into something like the Back Seat Driver sex position.
6. LYING UNDERNEATH HIM
Of course, this is another of those cuddling positions that bears a large resemblance to sexy times, but it doesn’t have to result in amorous activities like the good old fashioned Missionary position. Lying underneath your guy is a great way to feel close to one another and to lay face to face, or can offer great opportunities for a little low-stakes making out that goes nowhere…perfect for a quiet evening in.
7. SNUGGLING FACE TO FACE
One of the coziest cuddling positions for talking, snuggling face to face offers you lots of opportunity to gaze lovingly at your man. Simply turn toward each other in the bed or even on a couch, holding hands or putting your arms around each other like in the Lotus position. If you like, you can even curl your legs up into a fetal position and he can bend his body around you for even more closeness.
What’s not to like?
But keep in mind that during the day, this position offers lots of opportunity for your guy to notice your hair and face, so it may not be the best approach after a late night or when your mascara needs washing off.
8. HOLDING HANDS WHILE LYING ON YOUR STOMACHS
This cuddling position gives you both a little more freedom of movement. Simply lie down on your tummies and reach into the shared space (which some of us think of as “the neutral zone”) to hold hands. This is perfect for slowly falling asleep with some contact, or for talking till dawn. More of a back sleeper? No problem … this works equally well for those that prefer to lay on their bums, and can even be adapted so that one member of the couple lies one way and one lies the other.
9. INTERTWINING YOUR LEGS
If you enjoy snuggled up legs, you might like a cuddling position that leaves your torsos and arms free to do what they like and entwines your legs together. This position can work with you facing each other, with one of you spooning the other, or with both of you on your stomachs or backs. Simply entangle your legs, wrapping yours around his and playing footsie if you get the opportunity!
10. CUDDLING BACK TO BACK
A great cuddling position for falling asleep, snuggling up back to back allows you to feel your guy’s warmth and appreciate his proximity without having to do much. It’s best for cozying up under warm blankets as you drift off and gaze out the window or enjoy a little late-night pillow talk. You can even reach behind you and grab a hand.
Working on your relationship can take many forms, but one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to do it is simply to snuggle up. Take every opportunity you can to get close to your man in the living room, out in public, and especially in the bedroom. You’ll be glad you did!
Self esteem is a very important component within a healthy relationship. People who have low self esteem tend to wreck their relationships.
People with low self esteem have difficulty believing that they are unconditionally loved and accepted by their partners. They tend to hold back from fully committing themselves in their relationships or from making themselves vulnerable. They tend to engage in other types of behaviors that are unhelpful for relationships (e.g. testing their partners’ love)
The result of low self-esteem tends to be the prevelance of “Lower quality relationships” because their relationships have less love and trust, and more conflict and ambivalence. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people.
People with low self-esteem come to relationships with a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions all of which lead people to lose themselves in relationships with others. This loss of self into others leads to a loss of personal internal control. They become victims to being controlled by how others think, feel about and act towards them.
Personal Value
In order to have a healthy relationship, it is required that both parties feel confident about their voice and their personal value. If those components are missing it can take a tremendous toll on ones emotional well-being.
Self-esteem and self-worth
In romantic relationships people often feel most comfortable around those who have a similar level of self esteem as their own. This means subconsciously people with low self-esteem will attract others with low self-esteem.
A person with a low self-esteem often also has low self-worth. Even if they don’t verbalize it, they do not act as if they feel they are good enough to be loved. This lack of self-worth is born from lack of self love. If you don’t truly love and accept yourself, then you cannot truly accept love and acceptance from others.
This lack of self love can lead to a state of emotional impoverishment. This occurs when you are unable to create feelings of love and acceptance within yourself. Instead you look to others as a source of approval. Lack of self love causes you to see people not for who they really are, but for what they can or cannot do for you. In this state, your ability to love will remain emotionally immature and undeveloped because what you have to give in return is not love, but rather your unfulfilled needs.
Low self-esteem creates lack of connection and trust
Low self-esteem destroys relationships because this kind of insecurity creates a disconnect between yourself and your partner. An example may be “Please call me every night at 10pm because other wise, I will worry.” The subtext to this is, “I’m worried that you are going to cheat on me!”
No adult should have to hold themselves accountable to that kind of disrespect. That sort of accountability is for children, not for adults in a relationship.
A person trying to have this type of “control” in a relationship is really suffering from low self-esteem. They need to control the situation because they need to control you. Their need to control you is because they don’t trust that you love them enough to control yourself.
(Which begs the question, if the only way to keep your partner from losing control is this level of hyper-vigilance, then maybe you are in the wrong relationship.)
There comes a point within a relationship that you need to believe that you are with someone who cares about you and respects you enough to not hurt you. When you trust someone, you open yourself up to the possibility that you might get hurt.
What about people who cheat?
Most people who are unfaithful do so because of low self-esteem. Very few people do it if the relationship at home is satisfying. Cheating is a sign that something isfundamental missing within the relationship.
Value and respect
The main reason people are unfaithful is due to a lack of feeling valued and respected by their primary partner. They genuinely believe they are not valued at home. Everyone wishes to be significant and valued, especially from the most important person in their life. When they don’t feel significant, and feel as though they are taken for granted, are being used for convenience or have little value to their partner, they are likely to find someone else who will value them.
Sex and affection
Another reason people cheat is because of lack of love and affection. Love and affection is often withheld by one or both partners when there are layers of resentment beneath the surface in a relationship. Feeling neglected takes over, especially when sex is sporadic. Nothing is worse than being in a relationship and feeling lonely. If one is single, one can always go on a date etc. But if one lives with a partner, yet feels loneliness, then it feels hopeless because there really is no hope without significant change. It affects one’s self esteem, because one feels unwanted, but can not do anything about it. This makes the partners more prone to seek that love and affirmation somewhere else.
Validation and attention
A very important part of being in a relationship is the need for validation and attention. If the closest person to you does not validate you, does not confirm what you mean to them, does not reinforce who you are and wish to be (not what your partner thinks you are and wishes you to be), it can precipitate a feeling of being abandoned and uncared for. Most cheaters do not feel validated or affirmed, neither do they get much attention. They often feel neglected, especially if there is also a lack of love and affection or any real conversation either, mainly accusations and blame. Once we are not validated by those who matter, we begin to seek it elsewhere.
When any of these elements mentioned are missing, self esteem plummets and the person is likely to feel like a failure. It erodes a person and effects everything they do because they are constantly unhappy, anxious and stressed. It is difficult to feel good about one’s self when there is an overwhelming number of unmet needs missing from one’s life.
Personal confidence
The unfaithful partner feels a tremendous loss of personal confidence. It has a domino effect on everything else. Many unfaithful partners suffer in silence for a while, feeling low and hurt, until they feel compelled to do something about it in order to boost their confidence and improve their esteem.
Relationship in a rutt
There are many relationships where partners have settled into a rut, taking their spouses for granted, living in resentment and hurt, withholding affirmation and attention, value and respect. Those are the kinds of relationship that are most vulnerable to infidelity because living with someone else should enhance our happiness, not make us feel worse.
People with low self-esteem need to have “perfect” relationships and compete for control in order to make their relationship be the way they think it should be. This results in healthy relationships deteriorating. Eventually the relationship partner finds themselves in empty, hallow, phony, relationships with deep resentments and hurts. The partners have given so much to the relationship, they have nothing left of themselves to keep the relationships alive.
Here are symptoms of low self-esteem:
Not spending very much time living in the present: If you worry about the future or spend too much time reflecting on the past mistakes, the bottom line is that you are not living in the present.
Always wanting something you don’t have or something that’s out of reach: When someone has a great dissatisfaction with the trajectory of their life, or their lifestyle and it seems that what they want is always just out of reach, and that situation doesn’t ever change, self-esteem is probably the cause.
Avoiding real intimacy: People who have low self-esteem have problems opening to and connecting with others on a deep level. Some don’t even recognize that the bonds they share are shallow and superficial until they get involved with someone else, on a much deeper level. They feel that if the other person finds out who they truly are, all love will be lost. They are afraid that opening up will result in getting hurt. Some people have entire relationships built on walls and avoiding intimacy. If you are avoiding real intimacy for whatever reason, take it as a sign that you need to look at how you are feeling about yourself.
Busyness: The business of being busy, always keeping busy so you don’t have to look honestly at your underlying problems. Often times people will keep themselves busy so that they don’t have deal with feelings that they keep hidden. If you are a “do-er” and are constantly busy but not truly happy, start looking at the areas of your life that aren’t quite together. That will give you a place to start in finding out what you are trying to suppress with your “busyness.”
Acting destructively towards yourself and possibly to others such as being overly critical or self-sabotaging behaviors. People who are overly critical tend to project feelings about themselves falsely onto others. An overly critical attitude comes from their feelings of inadequacy and fear of making a mistake. Unaware that they are more critical than other people, they focus on the negative rather than the positive and give more weight to the negative in both themselves and others.
Those with low self-esteem tend to choose the wrong partners, and remain in relationships that continue to be unsatisfying despite many red flags that it is time to end it. They fear change, they fear being alone, and they fear their own ability to make sound decisions.
Motivated by fear of “doing something wrong” and receiving negative feedback, those who have low self esteem seemingly need to narrow their choices to be safe from erring. Consequently, they grab hold of the notion that there is only one right way to do things—usually the way they were taught. Once the “right” way is recognized, they feel they can then remain safe from ridicule, rejection, disapproval, or from making a mistake in judgment that might have other negative consequences. With only one “right” way every other position is then “wrong,” (black versus white). That means that in order to be right, their partner must always be wrong. Once they are convinced they are right, they become closed to considering a different viewpoints, unable to think objectively that any other way may be acceptable. They become rigid in their thinking and judgmental of others who think, feel, or act differently. They basically don’t develop the ability and freedom to look at issues and consider the varying merits before choosing a side.
Doubting their ability to make good decisions, these low self esteem sufferers are often overly submissive to—and blindly follow others without sizing up the situation on their own. Such blind allegiance without studying or assessing the situation can lead people to give control of their lives to others who don’t have their best interest at heart, whose views are questionable, or whose views are radical in one direction or another. Through recovery, people become stronger and more confident in their own ability to make decisions and develop the freedom to feel they have the right to do so.
People with low self-esteem can be very self-focused, only viewing and thinking of what goes on around them on the basis of their own needs and wants. They find it difficult to put themselves in the shoes of others or to recognize how their behavioraffects others. They are often aloof, appear to be very selfish, even narcissistic,though they are motivated out of feelings of inadequacy, selfishness and grandiosity.
To maintain healthy intimacy in your relationships, you need to establish healthy intellectual, emotional and physical boundaries with your partners.
Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship
The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. You feel taken cared for and nurtured, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive. You feel part of something. You are able to forgive and be forgiven without revenge or reminders of past offenses.
You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. This relationship makes you free from “analysis paralysis” where you need to analyze every detail of what goes on in it. Healthy intimate relationships support your individuality and encourage personal growth. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another.
You know you are in a healthy, intimate relationship when you have created an environment where:
I can be me.
You can be you.
We can be us.
I can grow.
You can grow.
We can grow together.
Simple!
A healthy relationship frees you to be yourself while acquiring self-knowledge is a lifelong process. Even if you do not have a strong sense of who you are, you do know when you are NOT being allowed the freedom to be yourself. You know when you are feeling judged or when you are worried about making a mistake. The freedom to be yourself means that your partner will neither interfere with nor judge your process of being and becoming.
In return, you offer your partner the same freedom that you are ask for yourself. And you accept your partner as he is. You do not get caught up in your fantasy of who you want him to be. You focus on who that person really is.
It was 10:30 P.M. on a Tuesday. We’d met for our first date more than an hour before, and now we found ourselves shuffling our feet beside my car, struggling to say goodbye. Instead, Andrew said, “I know it’s late and you have to go home to do work, but I’m not ready for the night to end. Do you think you could stay out for just one more drink?” And that’s when I knew we’d get to a second date, readers.
While they’re not always obvious, men do give off signs they want to see you again. Some, like my now-boyfriend, invite you to stick around, unwilling to part ways so soon. I turned to a few male friends to dish on five more.
1. He’ll feel you out for the future. “I’ll mention an upcoming concert or event and ask if that’s something she’d be into seeing or doing,” says one guy. “I may not ask her right then and there to commit to coming, but I’m definitely planning to.” My guy agrees. “We’ll say something like, ‘we’ll have to try X, Y or Z,'” he says. “Making future plans, however loose, is a good sign.”
2. You made him laugh. “A sense of humor is so attractive, and if I spent the date smiling and laughing, I’m going to want more,” my friend says. A flowing conversation sans awkward silences, one that focused on common interests and lively debate, is also a great indicator you’re cruising toward date No. 2.
3. The time flies by. Have you ever been on a date with a guy who glanced at his watch after two hours only to have a holy crap expression cross his face? When a guy isn’t in a hurry to wrap things up—and is surprised by how time has flown with you—you’ve got him hooked.
4. He follows up within a few days. Any longer and you were likely an afterthought—unless he’s got a great, legitimate excuse. “It’s a balance, of course,” says another guy. “But a guy who’s into you isn’t going to let a week go by before contacting you.”
5. And the follow-up may not be about a seeing each other. “A guy who texts to ask you out for a drink at 10 P.M. on Friday is not actually looking for a second date—he’s looking to hook up,” says one guy. When a guy is into a girl, he says, the follow-up text or call might be about something more general, just to touch base and get to know you better.
What are some other signs a guy is going to ask you on a second date? How did you know you’d get a second date with your guy?
Healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite for healthy relationships. From my personal experiences, and my years spent writing about relationships, I’ve learned that poor self-esteem is the number one cause of unhealthy relationships, as well as the top relationship killer.
Self-esteem isn’t an essential need like food or water, but it’s a supplement that can either dramatically improve your life, or keep you stunted and unfulfilled. The fact is, you can only let in as much love from the outside as you feel on the inside. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you will never truly believe that someone else can love you and you will constantly be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop, for the guy you care about to leave, thus validating the fact that you are unworthy of love.
Poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.
Self-esteem doesn’t come from blowing kisses to your reflection in the mirror or repeating “I love myself” over and over. It takes time and it takes work and it isn’t always easy. Everyone’s path will be different, but no matter what, having a picture of what high self-esteem looks like, and how it can play out in relationships, is helpful and can help reveal the areas you may need to work on.
Having high self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a happy relationship, but it does equip you with the skills to identify what you want and realize you deserve to get it, and the strength to walk away if something falls short. Here are ten things people with high self-esteem do differently in their relationships:
1. Confident women don’t analyze if he likes them – they assume he does.
People with high self-esteem believe they are worthy of love and don’t question how someone feels about them. They know that they are good, competent, and lovable and trust that the right person for them will see this. They don’t attach their worth to what a guy thinks and, as a result, don’t feel stressed and anxious when a guy’s feelings are unclear. Instead, they assume he likes them and are able to be present in the relationship and enjoy it without being weighed down by fears and doubts.
2. Confident people realize if a relationship falls apart it’s because it wasn’t right, not because they did something wrong. Not everyone is a match and sometimes, two people are just incompatible. This doesn’t make either of them flawed or bad – sometimes it’s just not there. Confident women don’t take it personally when a guy doesn’t want a romantic relationship. They realize that it must not be the right match and they move on, with their sense of self firmly intact.
When a girl is insecure, however, and a guy leaves, she spirals. She may obsess, analyze, and replay every interaction in an attempt to uncover what she did wrong. She may know on a conscious level that it simply wasn’t a match, but deep down she holds on to the destructive belief that she was the problem…and that she is unlovable and the guys she wants will never want her back.
3. Confident women set healthy boundaries. Healthy personal boundaries and high self-esteem go hand in hand. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else’s needs and emotions.
Confident women know what they will and will not accept and don’t allow themselves to be pressured or guilted into doing things they don’t want to do. They act in accordance with who they are and what they believe and don’t cater their behavior for a guy, or do things solely to keep him interested and happy. When you have weak boundaries, you may sell yourself out in a relationship and put up with treatment that you know is objectively unacceptable. Confident people don’t abandon parts of themselves in order to have a relationship. They bring their fully formed self into the relationship and if the guy wants something else, or something more, they leave.
A woman with healthy boundaries will not lose herself in a relationship, and will not allow her identity to be entirely contingent upon how he sees her. She will continue to maintain her own life outside of the relationship without giving up her friends, hobbies, or alone time. She won’t abandon important parts of herself or her life for the sake of the relationship and if a guy wants something else or something more than she’s willing to give, she’ll leave.
4. Confident women trust themselves and the decisions they make.
A key component of having high self-esteem is trusting yourself to make the right choices while also realizing you are well equipped to cope should things go awry. People with high self-esteem don’t constantly question their actions and feel conflicted about the right thing to say or do. They act on how they feel and are comfortable being their true, authentic selves.
People with low self-esteem don’t trust their judgment, don’t trust their gut instincts, and are afraid of being wrong. As a result, they either live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, or they look to others to guide them along the right path. This obviously does not do much to help one’s sense of autonomy, which is also a key element of healthy self-esteem.
Over the past few years, researchers have made some important discoveries about the body and brain connections of sex and exercise. “Being physically active seems to be a potent aphrodisiac for women,” says Tina M. Penhollow, Ph.D., an associate professor of health promotion at Florida Atlantic University, who has published research on how exercise affects sexual self-esteem.
…BOOSTS FOCUS
All too common: He’s kissing your neck, but you’re thinking about that major work deadline. Exercise can help sync your mind to your body, as well as quiet your racing brain so you can focus on the task at hand, says Lori Brotto, Ph.D., director of the Sexual Health Laboratory at the University of British Columbia in Canada.
…ACCELERATES AROUSAL
Studies have shown that women who frequently exercise become aroused more quickly and are able to orgasm faster and more intensely. University of Texas at Austin researchers found that female study participants were 169 percent more aroused (as indicated by blood flow in genital tissue) while watching a short porn flick after 20 minutes of vigorous cycling than when they watched it without riding beforehand. When you get excited, blood surges into the clitoral bulbs, making the entire region around the vagina responsive to pleasure. Cardiovascular exercise can help blood pump faster to the right parts of your body; it can also reduce chronic inflammation, which can damage blood vessels and decrease circulation, putting a damper on your sexual bliss.
…BUILDS STRONGER PIPES
A healthy pair of lungs helps express your elation with more gusto, of course, but you’ll have a lot more to scream about if you learn to control your breath. Partners who breathe in tandem may create a bigger buildup, which can intensify pleasure. And women who take short, quick breaths as they reach climax—rather than holding their breath—may reduce carbon dioxide in the blood, possibly intensifying vaginal contractions. Yoga can help women focus on their breathing, while high-intensity interval training increases lung capacity—which ensures you’ll be vocalizing your gratification through the grand finale.
…REVS UP YOUR LIBIDO
During a single strength workout, your body produces higher levels of growth hormone and testosterone, hormones that play a pivotal role in muscle growth–and sex drive. A 2013 study found that hitting the weight room regularly (three days a week) keeps levels of these hormones higher. That, along with the stress-busting benefits of pumping iron, can stoke greater sexual desire, says Kim Chronister, Psy.D., author of The Psychology Behind Fitness Motivation.
…ENHANCES IN-THE-SACK ENDURANCE
Some women can take 12 minutes—or longer—to orgasm. If your body fizzles out prior to that, you may be missing out, says sex therapist Denise Onofrey. Regular physical activity improves stamina and trains your muscles to hold out longer by using energy more efficiently. The result? You won’t have to pause prematurely to give your aching arms or tired legs a break during your next epic sex session.
…GETS YOU FEELING SEXIER
Exercise transforms the way you view your body—and how you enjoy sex. Penhollow found that women who exercised frequently and reported higher levels of personal fitness were more likely to rate their desirability and sexual performance high above average. But it’s not necessarily because of a slim physique. Researchers found that women of all sizes who reported greater body appreciation (for their physical abilities, such as progress in the weight room) were more easily aroused, enjoyed sex more, and had more orgasms.
…LIGHTENS YOUR MOOD
Even feeling just a little down in the dumps can weaken desire, says Chronister. Exercise leads to an immediate rush of mood-lifting, stress-dissolving endorphins; it’s such a potent anti-depressant that some research suggests regular workouts are as effective as psychiatric medications.
…HELPS SHED INHIBITIONS
Some women get seriously distracted–even totally turned off–when their partner touches one of their less-than-favorite body parts mid-romp. A consistent workout routine can help: When Italian researchers put a small group of obese women with sexual complaints in a supervised weight-loss program (that included diet and about 10 hours of low-intensity exercise per week), they not only lost an average of 35 pounds but also reported higher levels of lubrication and sexual frequency after 16 weeks. Study authors note that weight loss does more than improve body image: It also helps improve insulin resistance. Overweight women whose bodies can’t use the hormone to process glucose also tend to have lower levels of testosterone, which dampens self-confidence and sexual response.
…MAKES YOU MORE SENSITIVE
And we don’t mean crying during sex. The tissue that forms the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve fibers that extend into the entire pelvic region, including the vaginal walls. Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that physical activity was able to prime a woman’s body for sexual activity by making her more sensitive to touch and increasing the efficacy of stimuli, likely by revving up a network of neurons known as your sympathetic nervous system, which controls your arousal, says Brotto.
