Now, I’m a pretty smart girl, and when I think these things my brain quickly interjects and is like, “what lady? That’s insane, you know that’s not true!” And my brain is right. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel this way, and I’m willing to bet most women do. This is the reason why women don’t report sexual assaults most of the time, because of the fear of not being believed or retaliation.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by more images and memories. I recalled that when I was six and the boy showed me his penis, he also told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me. Then when I was 10 and the kid grabbed my chest. I went to my parents who told the principal, who then called the kid into the office with me and made him apologize, and the next day the kid threw a half full soda can at me for “being a snitch”. Then I remember when I yelled at my friend for exposing my breasts and putting his hand down my pants how he turned around and called me a slut to my group of friends. And when I was in my 20’s and I finally went to HR to request a transfer to another restaurant because of the harassment, and the woman HR director told me that if I wanted a transfer I would have to prove the harassment by confronting him in front of some of the execs, because otherwise they wouldn’t’ believe me.
Right, there it is. This is the old feeling of shame I grew to know so well. There you are you old bastard! Every time I was assaulted or harassed by a man I was either threatened physically, called names, or was told I wouldn’t be believed. It was established early on that no matter what I did, I would never be able to stop a man from behaving badly if he wanted to, so I might as well get comfy with my pal shame, and do my best to move on with my life.
Shame is the reason why those who were assaulted by Bill Cosby didn’t come forward for years, and why women are coming forward in droves now about Trump. Shame is tricky like that. It dances by the perpetrator and embraces the victim.
The release of the Donald Trump tape has sent shock waves of anger and disgust from women all over the country, and not because we’re so surprised that he said those things, but because we’re fed up with men like him thinking they have a right to a woman’s body just because they’re men in a position of power, which can mean a presidential candidate, a restaurant manager, or a person who’s simply older and bigger than you.
The only take away I can surmise from this experience is that this media debacle has given me an opportunity to teach my own kid that no matter what, it’s never acceptable to feel unsafe, pressured or afraid of another person.
And that asshole shame is no longer welcome in my house.