The Perils of Sexy Talk

by Julia Solomon

I love sexy talk. Only during sex, otherwise it’s rude. It’s not even so much that I like it, but that I prefer it to the sound of silence while bodies slap together and bed coils squeak. It helps me concentrate. It doesn’t get me hot and bothered, it just allows me to get a little bit out of my head (which is the worst place to be when you’re trying to relax and let an orgasm happen). It’s totally understandable why some people are a little hesitant to try kinky talking. It’s so easy to feel embarrassed because you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Sex is already a very intimate activity, but adding conversation to it, you’re raising the stakes. Both parties could already be concerned about whether or not they’re doing the right “moves”, and now you might worry about whether or not you’re saying the right things. I think the key is confidence and commitment. It’s important to say things confidently. It kind of reminds me of being in class in high school (don’t worry, it’s not going there) and you hesitantly answer a question that the teacher has asked you. You’re not sure you’re right, so your pitch gets higher towards the end of the sentence. The teacher always says the same thing, “Are you asking me or are you telling me?” Then you feel dumb, because they’re kind of calling your bluff. You’re afraid to say the wrong answer. Here’s a fun example:

Teacher: Who is Justin Timberlake’s wife?

Student: Jessica Biel?

Teacher: Are you asking me or are you telling me?

Student: Jessica Biel. His wife is Jessica Biel. I have no fear. I am woman, hear me roar.

I’m not really sure what class this conversation would take place in, but I hope you get the gist by now. Just commit, and say it confidently, you have nothing to fear. You’re both in this together, you stepping up will make the other person feel more comfortable, which is important, because now the person has nothing to worry about. You went for it, now they can reciprocate. I’ve had mostly pleasant experiences while using sexy talk in the bedroom, but when you don’t know someone really well, things can get weird. You don’t know each others’ boundaries and you could end up saying something the other person is not comfortable with. Or, something they’re just not used to, which can make for an…interesting experience, to say the least.

There have been some instances in my life where certain things were said in the bedroom that not only put me back into my head entirely, but also, made it very hard for me to contain my laughter. When I first moved to New York City, I was very anxious to get laid. So, when a guy invited me back to his place late at night, I went with it. He wasn’t a complete stranger, but I didn’t know him very well, either. I wanted to have fun. I didn’t particularly like this guy so I wasn’t interested in feigning any sort of romance. I just wanted to have sex, and hopefully have an orgasm while doing so. That did not happen, mainly because of some pretty silly things he said to me. If you use any of these terms during sex, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m going to share a couple of them with you. Please note, I was not offended nor did I feel violated by anything he said that night — the end result was mostly confusion, laughter, and a general questioning of what I was doing with my life.

While we were having sex, I encouraged the kinky talk at first, which is probably why he felt comfortable asking “Yeah, are you my little sex slave?” Fortunately, I was not facing him at the time when he said this, because I started smiling and holding back laughter immediately (thank you, doggy style). Wait, did he seriously just say that? This is hilarious. I can’t take this seriously. That was all I could think. Then started the imagery. The term “sex slave” brings to mind women tied up in chains, in Egypt or something, where the only thing they’re allowed to do is have sex with the Pharaoh or feed him grapes. But, I’ll try anything once — I went with it, and felt like an idiot. This was just so out of my ball park, I couldn’t handle it. I was used to stuff along the lines of “oh yeah, does that feel good?” or.. you know what, one example is enough. The point is, it was pretty tame compared to what this man preferred.

The first thing that weirded me out wasn’t necessarily an unusual request. He kept asking me to say his name. But, it was a weird name. By weird, I mean, the least sexy name in the world. I won’t reveal it, so I’m going to use the name Harold. Imagine saying “Oh yeah, give it to me, Harold! Harder, YES! YES, HAROLD!” It sounds awful. Also, we were in a 4-bedroom loft. Were his roommates used to stuff like this? When they hear women screaming for Harold, do they just think, “Oh, Harry! That dirty old dog!” or are they more like “I can’t wait to get a one bedroom apartment.” Why do guys want you to yell their name? Maybe it’s a watching-too-much-porn thing, maybe it makes them feel powerful. My theory? Perhaps a little bit of narcissism, like they want to know they’re the best or they need to be reassured that “Yeah, this girl wants it, and not just in general, specifically from me!”

He told me I was more than welcome to stay the night, and I politely declined. I instead opted to take a cab from Brooklyn to Harlem, which is not cheap. As expensive as it was, it was completely worth it. I got into the cab and laughed all the way back to Harlem until I had to pay the fare. This guy was super nice and sweet outside of the bedroom, so what was the deal? You can never really assume what someone is like in the sack. As the saying goes, “Never judge a sexual partner based on their behavior in public and/or in front of others.” Yes, it was a weird experience, but it would have been a lot weirder had he not been confidently saying those things. I can’t think of anything funnier than a guy hesitantly asking me to be his sex slave. Go big, or go home. He went big, I went home.

Tongue-Tied During Sex? Here’s the Sexy Talk Women Want to Hear.

When it comes to intimacy, women love communication — and that includes sexy talk.

We love to feel close to you, and for us, that closeness comes from more than just the physical. Sure, it comes from your tenderness. Your touch. That look. But most of all, it’s the words you say to us while in the throws of passion that can really get us over the edge.

So if you want to guarantee your partner has an amazing time in bed with you, and that you have an equally amazing time, check out these sexy talk phrases that most women really respond to during sex:

“You look so beautiful.”

Telling your partner she is beautiful is always welcome, but even more so when in the midst of sexy-time together. By letting her know that you think she looks beautiful or gorgeous right this minute, while she might be a bit sweaty or her hair may look like she just went through a wind tunnel at warp speed, you are ensuring her that she is always beautiful to you. This is very comforting to us, so please feel free to remind us as many times as you like. (But only if you are being genuine. Women can pick up on “lines” a lot better than you think.) The more beautiful we feel, the more relaxed we feel, which means more fun for you!

“You are so f**king hot/sexy.”

All men are different, as are all women, so feel free to choose whichever word you like to use in your sexy talk. The key word here is the curse word. Telling us that we are so sexy or so hot that you can’t control your language is pretty much an instant turn-on. Make sure you put extra emphasis on the curse word – stretch it out a bit. Let’s just say hearing these words makes us feel really really good. You telling us we are hot to you, makes us feel very hot, and then we just want to devour you.

“I want you so badly right now.”

Also acceptable is “I NEED you so badly.” You can rotate between the two if you get bored. The important thing with this one, is, again, being genuine. This should be said in the moment, during foreplay probably, and as part of the build-up and teasing. Bonus points if you whisper it in her ear before or after sucking her earlobe, kissing her neck, or holding her face and looking into her eyes.

young beautiful couple hugging and talking

“I love your body.”

It’s pretty safe to say that the majority of women are self-conscious about their bodies. Most of us feel negatively or badly about at least some areas of our bodies, and these insecurities are only magnified for us when we are naked and vulnerable and completely exposed. So, if you have been with your partner awhile, and know where her insecurities lie, reassure her that you love every inch of her. With this one, get as specific as possible, talking about individual body parts, skin, curves, tattoos, or whatever else you truly love about your partner.

“This feels amazing. I love the way you…”

The last part of this sentence will be different, depending on the couple and what you both enjoy doing in bed together, but be specific in letting her know exactly what you love, preferably while she’s doing it. Why? Because hopefully she will take the hint and keep doing it, which will lead to an incredible orgasm for you. If you love the way she makes out with you, tell her. If you love how she teases your nether regions with her fingertips, let her know. Positive reinforcement will lead to more creativity, and more trying new things. Fun!

“I love the way you taste.”

For whatever reason, most of us women are a bit nervous about what you will think of our vagina. The scent, the look, the overall chemistry of things — it’s something we generally worry about, and often make all kinds of assumptions when we don’t hear confirmation that everything is, well, peachy.  So don’t leave us wondering. Tell us. Any genuine and positive words you have about “down there,” would go a long way in building our confidence level, and ensuring that we can relax when you are pleasing us, instead of worrying about if you even want to be doing that. Hearing that you love how we taste or smell or look down there is the perfect antidote to all our insecurities, and will most likely lead to an epic orgasm.

Young Couple Lying whispering

“I could stay here forever with you.”

This one is probably better once you are in an actual relationship with your partner, as this might be weird to say during a one-night stand or casual situation. But assuming you are with one another and care about each other, it is very comforting for us to hear and to know that you are genuinely happy and content right here, right now, with us. That you’re not in any big hurry to get up and leave. That is a beautiful thing.

“[Insert yummy sound here].”

There are several versions of this, but generally speaking, women love to hear men moaning and making sounds of ecstasy, just as much as men love to hear us. There is nothing hotter than knowing and having audible evidence that you are turning someone on, when you hear their screams, their groans, or their garbled and mumbly sexy talk. We dig that.

“I love you.”

Again, not so much for the one-night stand or casual sex, or for anyone you don’t actually love. But if you are in a loving, caring, mutually exclusive relationship, and you are being intimate, nothing makes a woman feel more connected or bonded with you, than hearing you say those three words, in the midst of lovemaking. The only thing I can think of that would be better than these three words, is making it four words by adding the ultimate curse for emphasis: I f**king love you.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to go and find my partner so we can put all of these into practice.

You should go and do the same — or share what sexy talk tactics you learned with them. It may require lots of practice, so keep trying out your newfound love of words until you feel comfortable. Your partner will thank you for it.

For more ideas on spicing things up in the bedroom, check out this primer on how to dominate your man or, conversely, this interesting read on what not to do during sex.