I’ve struggled with a lot of self-doubt, this month. Like most young women, worrying about my appearance and self-worth takes up a great deal of my mental energy.
One night, (like any sad Millennial up past her bedtime) I found myself looking to Google for validation. I searched ‘self-love,’ hoping to find some permission, somewhere, to embrace it myself. And then, it happened. The miracle. I actually found what I was looking for.
Meet your new Patron Saint of Self-Love: Brie Larson.
Brie’s Instagram and Twitter accounts have become beautiful channels for her to celebrate self-love and practice compassion, one funny caption at a time.
(Photo credit below)
Before now, I couldn’t imagine Brie Larson having bad days. I mean, she’s fabulously talented, beautiful, and successful. But even the most glamorous celebrities look bad from time to time, because they’re human – and a lot of them pay other people to make sure this doesn’t ruin their ‘public image.’ But Brie’s image, public or otherwise, is 100% herself.
I hate to say it… but in today’s Hollywood, loving yourself is a brave thing to do.
As women, famous or not, it can be hard to appreciate ourselves as we are. After all, we live in a society that profits from our self-doubt. We are taught to monitor our imperfections constantly and do our best to conform to whatever beauty ideal is hot at the moment. But perfection is a losing battle. Even supermodels needs stylists, makeup artists, personal trainers, and fashion designers who are paid to make them look flawless – and that’s before photo shop!
Nobody is perfect, not even those whose livelihoods rely on the illusion that they are.
SO, instead of obsessing over unreachable goals, let’s rebel and love ourselves. Instead of ogling somebody’s “cellulite” in a paparazzi photo, how about we gush over public figures that actually inspire us?
Since I was eight or so years old I’ve made many attempts at utilizing various forms of traditional “western” therapy to no avail. In the past couple of years, I’ve begun to work with more mystical therapists like healers, hypnotherapists and intuits. It just so happens this is the right direction for me. As someone who over analyzes nearly every event and moment of her life at a constant, incessant rate, I’m not the type to benefit from “talking it out.” All my brain does all night long is talk it out. I need people who can help me calm down, meditate, and find proper and more intuitive coping mechanisms.
I went to see therapists originally as a child because of my father’s imprisonment for child abuse. Surprise surprise, I’m a comedian with daddy issues! These issues often come into play for me, but so do a whole bunch of other life issues. When I get upset, I don’t always know what to do, as I wasn’t raised with super effective coping mechanisms or a lot of proper communication. I find myself particularly lacking when I feel fear. Fear has always been pretty big for me. I’m afraid to put my head under water, afraid of heights and steep drop-offs when hiking, which really sucks because I LOVE hiking, afraid of driving on the highway, which super sucks because I live in LA, basically, you name it, I can come up with a reason to be afraid of it. I used to get really mad at my fear. I would yell at myself, “toughen up, power through it, quit being a baby!” This was not helpful.
What I got to see once I pushed through.
I started speaking with a hypnotherapist who took me on a journey into a beautiful meadowy field that I created in my own mind. I met a little version of myself there and I started to have a conversation with her. We called her, ever creatively, “Little Lisa.” Little Lisa is the version of me before the shit hit the fan in my life. We all have this small person, even those of us without heavy traumas. There’s at least one point in each of our lives where life started to get real, where our childlike wonder and amusement took a more serious turn. This happens to a lot of people in middle school because we turn into “adults” and horrendous things start happening to our bodies, in addition to being asked by those older than us to start taking more responsibility. However, those of us with childhood traumas have younger littles. And some of us have a lot of littles. My major little is me at around four or five years old. This is how old I was when I first started feeling depressed. It was when I started getting made fun of a lot. It was when, for whatever reason, I realized life wasn’t JUST about having fun and being a goofball.
One of the way easier parts of the trail, but not at its toughest because I couldn’t manage taking a pic while also trying not to fall to my death.
My hypnotherapist asked me what my little said I should do when I feel badly. Little Lisa said, “Just dance, ya goof!!!” and then began to dance around like a crazy, goofy Muppet. Because this left me with such a great feeling, I began to go to this little girl whenever I felt distressed. I would ask her to help me, especially when I felt scared. But it wasn’t really effective in my day-to-day life.
Then I spoke with my intuit. We weren’t even talking directly about my fear when she too brought up the concept of Little Lisa. Her suggestion to me was to go back to that little girl. I said, “I do, but when I ask her what to do, she doesn’t really know.” She replied that it wasn’t really fair for me to be asking my little for guidance. She was probably more afraid than I was. Why would you ask a scared child for advice? That child needs to be loved.
Then she told me what I really should be doing when I go back to this little girl. I needed to hold that little girl, cradle her in my arms, stroke her hair and her cheek and tell her that everything is okay, that nothing is her fault, and that she’s a good person who deserves good things and that above all, she’s safe. Soothe her, tell her that she is loved, over and over again.
So I did just that. I lay in bed that night, closing my eyes, imagining my little five year-old self, and cradled her lovingly until adult me actually fell asleep. It worked!
The End.
This didn’t exactly change my life overnight, but by being kinder to my inner littles, I’ve actually become kinder to the adult version of myself that exists in the now, and thus have been able to accomplish more. Like when I was alone on a very difficult hike in Hawaii. I was faced with a steep drop off and the trail was getting progressively narrower. I wanted to push on because it was so beautiful, but I felt I couldn’t, I was so overcome with fear, I froze. Before, I would have told myself to “Shut up. Just get through it. Quit being stupid! Quit being weak!” But with my new-found wisdom I took a seat on the ground, breathed deeply and said something more along the lines of, “You’re doing great. You’re being very brave, and you’ve gotten through so much. This is very scary, so you should be very proud of yourself once you’ve done it.” With patience and kindness, I got through it. There were tears and some shaking, of course, but it was amazingly beautiful on the other side of that fear, and I was so glad pushing through paid off.
I’ve used this tactic in my day-to-day life since then. When I’m afraid of a situation, when I get jealous, when I stress out because something didn’t go the way I wanted or needed it to, or when I suffer a tragedy, or even just a minor set back, I find a little. I go back to whichever one feels triggered. Sometimes it’s that 4-5 year-old. Sometimes it’s me from only a few years ago when I was sexually assaulted and felt defenseless. Sometimes it’s me from just a couple of years ago when I was physically assaulted and felt helpless and voiceless. Sometimes it’s me as a teenager, sometimes a pre-teen, and sometimes even a baby. Whoever it is, when I let her know she’s loved, and that yes, sometimes life isn’t fair, but she deserves better and is safe, it makes the me of now feel loved, and safe, and as though life might just be okay.
So find your little, or littles, give them big hugs and kisses, and tell them that though life is full of challenges, they are loved.
You are enough without changing yourself or who you are for anyone.
I’ve always been the girl who needs to be liked and accepted, not just by men, but by everyone. I know it’s not possible but I still try because being accepted by other people feels good. It makes us feel good even when we don’t feel good about ourselves or like ourselves, which was what I used to obsess over.
I was always so focused on if other people, especially men, liked me. Instead of putting effort into myself and making sure I liked who I was I became so focused on if other people liked me.
I dated a guy who I’m not sure I even liked because I never evaluated him. It might sound ridiculous, but I was so focused on if he liked me that I forgot to question if I even liked him. For months, I’d scratch my head and wonder if I was good enough for him, if I’d be able to make him really mine, if I could get him to stick around for longer than a few months. I tried to be who I thought he would like instead of just being myself.
I knew it was time to change my mindset when I realized that I was compromising my own happiness and self to try to be what someone else wanted, or at least what I thought someone wanted.
Something that really stuck that helped me adjust my mindset is a conversation I had with my life coach. She asked me if I changed who I was on first dates, if I acted different, less like myself, and I said yes, to a certain extent. I told her I am usually nervous, a little more quiet, a little more reserved. She followed that up with a very insightful comment: “you don’t act different around your friends when you hang out with them, right? You just know they like you so you can be yourself. That’s how you have to go into dating.”
She’s right – that’s why I pay her to give me advice. I realized I had to start going into dating with the mindset that they’re going to like me and if they don’t then it doesn’t matter. At least if I’m going into dates as myself and not pretending to be someone I’m not they’ll get to know the real me. Some people might not like it but some will love it, either way I am who I am and I’ve learned to love myself just for that.
Knowing who you are is half the battle in loving yourself and knowing you deserve love.
I always used to try to mold myself into a cookie cutter shape of what someone else likes or wants. The truth is I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s fine. Some people hate tea, some people prefer coffee, some people prefer neither and that is what makes us all unique. That is why there are so many different types of people.
You don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you! I finally decided it’s time to stop forming to please other people and just be myself.
I decided it no longer matters if he isn’t interested in me because there will always be someone else who is. I learned it’s better to not force relationships or conversations that aren’t happening. Those kinds of interactions will never leave you satisfied, because they’re not honest.
It’s not worth trying to fit into someone else’s story. It’s time to write your own! The right person will accept you for who you are, not who you try to be.
Being yourself is one of the most liberating experiences you can have.
Once I stopped changing myself to please others that aren’t interested, it made a world of difference. I gave myself permission to be who I am without reservation and that is a freeing feeling. It’s allowed me to meet someone for a drink and not go in with any expectations.
I can be more open and I can look in the mirror and accept that I am enough just the way I am whether someone else thinks so or not.
Allowing yourself the freedom to just accept where you are in your life, without hoping that every person you come across is going to want you is an invigorating feeling.
It’s important to realize, at the end of the day, you have to be enough for yourself. You’re worth being loved, especially by yourself.
Allow yourself to express yourself the way you want. Stand up for what you care about. Wear as much or as little makeup as you want. Don’t change yourself for anyone, instead be proud of who you are!
Ever since I started being completely myself I’ve found a new sense of freedom I didn’t realize was possible. I started going out with more guys from dating apps because I didn’t have that fear holding me back that they wouldn’t like me. I also didn’t feel that pressure I used to put on myself of being skinny or pretty enough for them. I am who I am and they either like me or not. But that’s still not as important as if I like them or not.
Putting yourself and your comfort first in these situations isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. Absolutely necessary.
Just last weekend it gave me the confidence to go up to a man in a bar (something I never do). I didn’t worry about what he would say or if he would be interested or not, I just went up to him and started talking. (I was also wearing the ugliest handmade Christmas sweater the world has ever seen.) The best part about it? He loved that I was confident to walk up and talk to him in that ugly sweater. He liked it so much he asked me on a date and it was great!
The right person will like you and love you for your unique characteristics, how you look, what you say and everything in between. If he doesn’t completely accept you then he’s not the one, but know there is someone out there who will. The right person will love you for who you are, not who you try to be.
Sometimes dating can be a challenge. But we’ve got some simple ideas that will transform you from emotionally drained to warrior of love, guaranteed!
Dating can be really hard on the emotional self-worth even when you’re in a good, healthy place. Why? Because meeting people is freaking hard, and connecting with people? Even harder.
In the same vein, there are 5 billion reasons why a date can go poorly, just like there are 5 billion reasons why a date can go well, and yet as humans we privilege the negative…clouding our brains with why she didn’t call, what did I do wrong, am I not attractive enough, etc.
It’s not up to you to try and “solve” rejection or confusion behavior; no, it’s up to you to keep on keeping on, the gorgeous emotional warrior of love that you are. The key is keeping that self-esteem high so you can enjoy dating, and not feel bogged down by it.
Know what you’re looking for. Write it down. Stick to it. So if someone is being shady, flaky or confusing and is acting or communicating against your dating goals, you will have the power and the boundaries to say no to the situation. Sure, I like tomatoes, but if my goal is to make a cake I won’t make excuses for adding tomatoes to the recipe.
Dating someone who doesn’t fit your goals is exactly the same! Also, it’s easier on our brains to be like “he didn’t fit in MY plan” and let somebody go, then wonder why they didn’t want to fit into ours. You’ll be well on the way to a delicious relationship cake, my friends.
Follow the feel good.
What feels good? What feels sexy? What makes you feel happy? When you’re dating, try to pile on as many feel-good elements as possible to make the whole process fun.
Have a power song to listen to while you Tinder? Listen. Like a certain top? Wear it a bunch. Like a bar? Go there for dates. Enjoy making name puns when you put dates into your iphone? Clark-scared-of-the-dark probably doesn’t but who cares, it makes YOU laugh. Everything that makes you feel good in the process is a great thing.
Try the four-man-plan.
I know this is tricky, but the more people in the mix the better, because the less you’ll care when someone acts poorly or against your dating goals. My pal calls this the “4 man plan,” and swears by it. You’ll be so used to juggling people- good and bad, that things won’t phase you at all. And when you’re above it, busy and enjoying yourself, you’re also at your most desirable!
Keep yourself busy.
This is simple but an idle brain can go bad places! Keep busy in your life, in dating (see 4 man plan) and in everything you enjoy, and time will pass quickly. You won’t even notice when a guy doesn’t text you…or does.
Try using the “sexy selfie strategy.”
A picture of a sexy woman lying on sofa and taking selfie
I like dressing up for dates, and I do it well. I have a ritual: after I get done up and before the date, I take a couple sexy selfies to “Formation,” and channel my inner Beyonce. Sure, it’s basic, but it makes me feel good. Whatever happens on the date- now you have a pic looking hot, confident and can channel that (or post on Insta) any time you need!
Think about memorizing some key quotes
Although they might seem cheesy, the brain LOVES succinct phrases in repetition. I love the phrase “look at him and look at YOU” as a motivator before I go out on dates, after I go out, and everything in between. Pick a couple phrases that strike you as empowering and write them in a place you can see them every day. Let that sink in…and the rest will be fabulousness.
Remind yourself: “I’m going to have fun!”
Before every date- no matter how I feel- I say “I’m going to have fun” or “dating is fun” ten times, out loud. And LOUD, people. Reminding yourself that you are fun, dating is fun, and this whole wild n’ crazy experience should be fun is super, super important. No better way than out-loud repetition in that “fake it till you make it” school of thought to really drive the sentiment home!
Don’t forget to find the funny.
Much like follow the feel good, follow the funny is something that should also get privilege. Keeping in touch with how wild and silly dating is-and having a sense of humor about it- is so incredibly important to finding humanity in others and weathering the meet-ups strung together that become our dating life. Relax! Don’t take it too seriously! It isn’t life or death, just life or vodka sodas, people.
You can even bring a friend in on the fun.
This one’s my favorite. You see, if you keep your friends abreast of your dating life and cute people who might be a part of it, they’re invested. Which means you have an enthusiastic and hopefully fun sounding board for all the trials and travails of dating. Also, they probably know YOU and your preferences better than you do, which means a whole lot of opinions, levity and camaraderie.
Go work out.
Go work out. A lot. It releases serotonin and other various brain chemicals that will definitely make you feel fit, alive and relaxed. It’ll also boost your energy so you can run to more places to booze with attractive people. Seriously, it can only HELP! Now get out there and date, you beautiful people, you!
When your self-esteem is low (or non-existent), your sex life can suffer.
Here are five ways self-esteem can affect your sex life.
1. Self-esteem and intimacy
Self-esteem can have an effect on intimacy in the bedroom. Think about it, if you don’t feel you are deserving of love, you might not feel comfortable receiving it. It takes courage to understand that you are deserving of love and to convey your feelings to your partner. With that bravery comes self-acceptance. Once you’ve managed to become more self-accepting, it’s easier to let someone in. My journey to self esteem has been a bumpy one. There are still times where I don’t think I’m deserving of good things that happen in my relationship. I have to stop and take a step back, remembering that I am worthy of love—and you should too!
2. Low self-esteem and your sex life
We’ve all been there—feeling bloated and unattractive and not wanting to have sex. When those days end up being the majority of your time, that is when problems begin. By letting your self-esteem get in the way of your sex life, you are missing out on wonderful experiences and memories. Sometimes it’s hard to get past body issues and just give in to the intimacy. I’ll never forget the first time I was in bed with my boyfriend, worried about what Bridget Jones called “my wobbly bits.” Turns out he actually liked them! Getting past your insecurities is tough but oh so worth it when it comes to sex.
3. Recognizing when sex is being used for the wrong reasons.
Part of having high self-esteem is recognizing when sex is being used for the wrong reasons. I am all for being a bit more traditional, waiting a few dates and then doing the deed. If you’re finding yourself having sex on the first date and not because you are being a feminist and getting it on whenever you damn well please, take a look inside yourself. If you feel like sex is all you have to offer, talk to someone. Even if it’s just a friend, sharing your feelings with someone can help immensely. Having sex just to get someone to like you (or stay in a relationship with you) is not a good road to go down.
4. Being guarded and missing out
If your low self-esteem is making you a guarded person, you may be missing out on good things that happen in your life—i.e. great sex wIth an even greater person. If you find yourself acting guarded in your relationships, there could be a multitude of reasons behind it. For example, it may be because your parents had an ugly divorce when you were old enough to remember it. You may have been hurt deeply in a past relationship and have trouble allowing people fully in. I know I did this myself after a painful breakup. I was so scared of letting another person in that it took awhile, and lots of slow steps to open up my heart again. A lot of patience, praying, journaling and talking things out with friends helped.
5. Body image, low self-esteem and your sex life
I’ve been a plus-size person my whole life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt embarrassed about my body. In my 20s, no matter what I weighed or what size I was (and I definitely fluctuated) I still felt like I wasn’t worthy of intimate partnerships. It took the entire decade for me to realize that most men don’t care about whether or not you look like a model. They often find you attractive after getting to know you as a person (it sounds corny but I promise it’s true!). There are plenty of reasons for having low self-esteem when it comes to body image, including believing you must be a certain size or weight to be happy or conforming to beauty ideals from the media. Not letting those thoughts invade your mind all the time is hard, but can be done with lots of patience, understanding and self-love.
How to Help Yourself
There are so many ways to help yourself if you’re feeling like your self-esteem is getting in the way of your sex life. There’s Talkspace, a web-based mobile therapy company based out of New York City. You can also become a member of LoveTV for expert tools and advice when it comes to relationships. Low self-esteem support groups are available too, to talk to those who feel the same way as you.
