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I Went on a Date Every Day of the Week. Here’s What I Learned.

September 21, 2018January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

7 Dates in 7 Days? I’m older, wiser (and exhausted).

Monday was Dr. Corey from Bumble. Tuesday was Grant, a setup from a fellow comedian. Wednesday was Kevin, a super hot Tinder dude from Chicago. Thursday was Chris, another Tinder guy who worked in Marketing. Friday was writer James AND creative director Logan, a Bumble & Bumble. Saturday was Sean, a guy I met at a local bar. Sunday, I rested. JK! Sunday was a coffee date with a producer. I work for YOU!

So, in the spirit of sex, romance and everything in-between, here are seven things I’ve learned about people (especially myself) after going on seven dates in seven nights (and sometimes more). You’re welcome!

Drinking Dates Are Great (But Be Careful)

According to doctors and any non-alcoholic, I drank way too much last week. Way too much. And no, it was not healthy. I’m a big fan of the happy hour date (cheap, and I love a cocktail to ease any awkwardness) but if you’re going to date a ton, stagger those date activities! I’m a gal who can definitely handle her booze, and even I was negotiating what I’ll lovingly call “Pinot Fatigue” by Thursday.

Be Aware Of Repeating Yourself (Or Forgetting What You Said)

There’s so much backstory and chat built into a date- when you meet, when you text, the lead up, the conversation after- if you’re going on a bunch of dates all at once or just one every once in a while, review your text chain before you meet up to make sure you know exactly what they know about you, and what you know about them. Believe me, it can be embarrassing when you say, “So, what was it like growing up in Jersey?” When they’re from the Bay Area. Cool move, Rebecca. Cool move.

Be Thorough About Hygiene

I know you’d do that anyway, but when you’re meeting a bunch of new people in such little time, you’ll want to be hyper-vigilant about this. Depending on who you are, you probably wear makeup, or product, or something when you go on a date. Well, if you’re going on one date a day, you’re going to be doing a lot of prepping, making up, eyelining, cologne-ing, etc. So it’s really, really important to shower regularly and make sure you get ALL the makeup off upon the conclusion of your evening. Nobody likes to show up to a date with the person looking raggedy AF. Am I right?

The Blowout Is Your Friend

That being said, one distinct hair style for dates will cut your anxiety-laden prep time in half! I’d suggest a blowout or a flattering go-to ‘do to have in your back pocket (mine was wavy, my hair’s natural texture, with a cute, high ponytail) so it’s one element of the date you just don’t have to think about or roll the dice with. There are lots of decisions to be made on dates- place, time, how many drinks, what to wear, if you should drive…your hairstyle doesn’t have to be one of them!

Dating Is Expensive (Even With Gender Norms In Place)

I’m definitely a pay-my-way kind of gal, and while most of the men I went on dates with paid, there was definitely a financial cost to this “experiment.” Drinks, some of the time, of course. And food after you got a little too drunk (cough cough, Bumble & Bumble Friday, cough cough), and gas if you’re driving across town or worse, taking Lyft, Uber or a Taxi. There’s also data charges on calls if a date is really into texting (though admittedly that was less of a concern than my 3 am Taco Bell run). So if you’re going to date and not go full diva by demanding the other person pays or always drives your neck of the woods, prepare to take a hit to the ‘ol Wells Fargo.

The Cream Will Rise To The Top

When you’re dating a bunch of people, it’s really, really easy to compare conversation, humor, behavior, attractiveness and kindness. You’ll know right away which people are worthy of a second date much better if you’re dating a LOT, and if they’re proactive enough to keep the momentum going. Keep inventory of this! Don’t second guess your gut. You have many options when you’re going on seven dates in a week or some such crazy dating binge (who would do that? An insane person!). In this case more than others, you should never feel desperate. Ever. People are everywhere and you, my friend, are a queen!

People Love Questions

If the date is going super well or becoming a trainwreck (that was hyperbolic, I mean, if it’s REALLY going that badly, just leave!), a quick way to not feel horrifically awkward is ask questions. Turns out, people love this, it always keeps the convo going and it will take you from treading water conversationally to back into the game. It’s a no-fail way to seem desirable, social and in control. Sexy qualities, grasshopper!

How to Date When You Have an Anxious Attachment Style

February 26, 2019January 22, 2024 by Becca Martinin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Because playing hard to get isn’t an option.

“You don’t need someone to be happy.” I’ve heard over and over from my friends but I’ve always felt the exact opposite.

When I’m alone I feel incomplete in some way and I know that’s not healthy. And worse than that, I’ve always clung to partners, even partners I know are not good for me because I convinced myself it was better to have someone — even if they don’t care about me — than to be completely alone. It’s a vicious cycle that I keep allowing to repeat, like my existence is useless without someone to share my life with, and friends just don’t do it, I need that ‘romantic’ connection, even if it’s just me begging for attention and feeling validated every few days.

I never knew this had a name until I was asked, “do you know what an anxious attachment style is?”

I didn’t.

So, I bought (and completely indulged myself in) Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller and my world changed.

I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt this gross, off-putting clinginess and I felt more understood. I felt like I had answers and was more aware of what I was doing. I felt like I might finally be able to change my behavior.

Standard dating tips don’t work when you have an anxious attachment style. You can’t pretend you’re uninterested, unavailable or that you don’t want a relationship because that’s total bullshit.

Here’s what I’ve learned about dating with an anxious attachment style:

1. Wait before reacting to small things.

People with anxious attachment styles are more in tune to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues. This essentially means that we tend to jump to conclusions very quickly and can often self-sabotage our relationships. I once dated a guy who lived two hours from me and I invited him to come camping for a weekend and he said yes. I was thrilled! Then he texted me shortly after that he couldn’t make it because he got called into work. So we adjusted and made plans to hang out on Sunday since I was driving back past his town. When I started driving Sunday morning I had a three-hour drive ahead of me to get there. I hadn’t heard from him so I texted him to tell him I was excited to see him only to find out he couldn’t hang out because he got called into work, again. I was convinced he was lying and that he just didn’t want to hang out with me before my (much more reasonable) friend told me that I was going to self-sabotage the relationship if I started acting short or accused him of lying.

2. Don’t mistake the anxiety, obsession, and the short bursts of joy with love.

Mixed messages from your partner, or potential partner, often lead us to believe we are in love but it’s more often than not our attachment style activating. Every time you get mixed signals and you’re left guessing your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. Then when he compliments you it creates validation and you tell yourself he’s into you after all. You’re activated attachment system is confused with passion. I never realized before why I was so attracted to people who mostly treated me like they wouldn’t have cared if I died, but now it makes sense. It’s the one little comment or gesture that makes it feel like they care. It creates that feeling of reassurance and makes me feel loved, even if it’s short-lived.

3. Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs.

There have been so many guys I’ve dated who have made me feel “needy.” I always felt like I was asking too much from them or that I was the reason that things never worked out but I realize now that there is nothing wrong with me and that more often than not I’m dating guys who have an avoidant attachment style. These two attachment styles tend to cling to each other. I realized I didn’t need to change myself to please my partner, I just needed to find someone who is secure and can give me what I need.

4. Avoid dating someone with an avoidant attachment style.

Like I just mentioned anxious and avoidant attachment styles are often attracted to each other. I’m almost certain every guy I’ve dated has been avoidant. Now that I’m aware of my attachment style, I’m aware that I need to avoid avoidants. Avoidants typically send mixed signals, disregard your emotional well-being, suggests you are “too needy” or “too sensitive,” gives the indication that he’s still looking for “the one,” doesn’t care what you’re saying and ignores things you want/say that inconvenience them. If you have an anxious attachment style, avoid people with an avoidant attachment style at all costs because they’re never going to be able to give you what you need or change (seriously, it takes five years to completely change your attachment style, and it’s rare to do so).

5. Express your needs.

In so many relationships I’ve tried to be exactly who I thought the other person wanted without any regards to myself and what I wanted. I’d try to change, make myself uncomfortable to make them slightly more comfortable and I’d hide what I needed so that I wouldn’t get called “too much.” I wanted to be the cool girl, which doesn’t fucking exist, btw. I’d hide my wishes, wants and needs because I thought it would make someone else happy. Now that i say that it sounds insane, but for so long I did it and the sad part is I will probably still do it because I still have an anxious attachment style but I have got better at expressing my needs and wants without worrying about if they’ll think I’m needy or not because the right person won’t make me feel that way at all.

6. Give “boring” people a chance.

I’ve gone on a decent amount of dates and I walked away with the same immediate text to my friends, “he was SO boring!” I recently learned that those people I go on dates with who I find “SO boring” are usually people with secure attachment styles – the kind of person I should be dating. But with secure people, there is less drama so my anxious attachment style isn’t activated the same way that it is with someone who is avoidant. It’s typically to confuse the calmness and stability with boredom and lack of attraction. I’ve learned it’s important to give secure people a chance, especially because that’s the ideal partner for an anxious attachment style.

Understanding your attachment style, especially if you’re anxious, is really crucial for having healthy romantic relationships. Learning more about your behavior, why you do the things you do and feel the way you do when dating will finally make you feel not alone, which is exactly what I felt. Relief. Understanding your overall attachment style when you’re anxious will help you find that happy, fulfilling relationship we’re all longing for.

7 Science-Approved Ways to Make a Good First Impression on Your Date

May 21, 2019January 22, 2024 by Jillian Pretzelin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

2018 study found that people form an opinion about someone in just 27 seconds. And boy, does that sound harsh. You’ve barely finished saying “how do you do,” when already, you’re judging each other? Yikes.

Now, of course, this study isn’t saying that it only takes 27 seconds to get to know a person. That would be ridiculous. We’ve all seen enough rom coms and teen flicks to know that sometimes, longtime enemies become friends, and vice versa. First impressions are not always right and it takes way longer than 27 seconds to judge someone’s character.

But in the dating world, sometimes all you have is a first impression.

Think about it: the way modern dating works, first impressions are everything. If you’re on a dating app, you swipe right or left based on an image and a short bio. That’s a 27-second decision if I ever saw one… and that’s if you’re really taking your time.

If you meet up for a blind date and you’re not immediately charmed by your sister’s-friend’s-cousin’s-barber in the time it takes to sip a latte, you’ll probably never call back.

Generally, there isn’t a second chance.

We’re not in one of those rom coms where the cute stranger sits next to you in chemistry every day and eventually, you start to understand his/her charm. This also isn’t a Jane Austen novel where, apparently, there are only about seven eligible men in the town and you and Mr. Darcy keep bumping into each other at parties.

In real life, when a first impression isn’t good, you don’t waste your time. You look for love elsewhere.

On one hand, this quick decision-making is probably a good thing. You know who you’re attracted to and what kind of person you want to date. A strong first impression (especially if it’s negative) can save you a lot of time. Then again, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t make a good first impression, you could be missing out on love.

While that 2018 study gave us all kinds of anxiety about quick judgements, luckily, the study also gave us a cheat sheet so we know what makes the biggest impression in that first 27 seconds.

Here are seven things to focus on in order to make a good impression for your next date.

Staying humble

62 percent of those surveyed reported that strangers who acted arrogantly made a bad first impression on them.

Surprise surprise.

We didn’t exactly need a study to tell us that no one likes spending time with an arrogant person… especially on a date. There’s nothing worse than a dinner date where the person across from you only talks about how awesome they are from appetizers to dessert.

Of course, sometimes after a particularly good day at work, we all might get the urge to brag now and then. But if you’re looking to make a good impression, and maybe even land a relationship, it’s important to show your modest side, especially on that first date.

Sure, you can mention your achievements (especially if your date asks), but try to stay humble. It’s okay to show off the great things about you, but remember that your goal should really be to learn about your date—and find out if you two have a connection.

Smiling

Audrey Hepburn once said, “Happy girls are the prettiest” (and that goes for gentlemen too). A smile can be your best friend when it comes to first impressions: it makes your face look warm and friendly. It brightens your eyes and makes people feel more comfortable with you, plus, 53 percent of people said it contributed to a good first impression.

Of course, don’t try too hard and end up with a forced smile (a creepy grin held for too long will probably have your date calling for an Uber). Still, remember the power of your pearly whites.

To enhance my smile, I like to use an at-home teeth whitener. It’s cheap, easy, and if my teeth are looking a little yellow one day, I can get myself looking like the star of a toothpaste commercial—fast. But, if you really want to invest in your teeth, lots of people go professional and get their teeth whitened at the dentist’s office.

Also, before you go out, put on some lip gloss (or chapstick) to bring attention to your lips. Your grin will surely make your date smile too!

Being polite

Don’t you hate it when you’re at dinner with someone and he or she doesn’t say “please” or “thank you” to the waitstaff? Do you cringe when a date burps and doesn’t say “excuse me?”

Apparently a lot of people are bothered by bad manners, as the survey found that 53 percent reported that politeness contributed to making a good impression.

Of course, if you’re not the kind of person who keeps your pinky out or puts your napkin on your lap, don’t feel like you need to do an Emily Gilmore impression and follow every point of etiquette for the benefit of your date. Who knows, maybe your perfect match has the same habits as you, and asking for a salad fork might freak them out.

Still, it’s important to be polite, which means being kind and courteous. The rule is simple: be nice and your date will probably like you more.

Making eye contact

49 percent of those surveyed found that eye contact was very important to that first impression. This, of course, comes as no surprise.

Making eye contact means that you’re focused on that person, you’re talking directly to them or listening intently. Eye contact can be intimate, meaningful, and powerful. Failing to meet someone’s gaze can make you seem standoffish, cold, or disinterested.

Keep in mind though, too much hardcore eye contact can be intimidating, so don’t over do it. Make eye contact, but give your gaze a break, too. Sometimes looking away coyly can be flirty. When you’re telling a story or making gestures, it’s okay to look up or around a bit. Plus, if you’re on a dinner date, you should glance down at your food every so often too. After all, you’ll both have to look away at some point if you want to make sure you get your meal to your mouth, and not on your lap.

Dressing to impress

While personality is much more important than looks, when it comes to first impressions, it’s hard to not judge appearance. It might not be fair to judge a book by it’s cover… but sometimes we just can’t help it. Appearance is one of the easiest thing to judge quickly, and as this study shows, people put a good amount of focus on looks: a whopping 49 percent of people were put off by poor clothing choices.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to wear a ball gown or start buying designer everything (in fact, for some people, brand names and too much focus on appearance could be a turnoff) but it’s still important to make yourself presentable. Know which colors look good on you, pick out clothes that fit well, make sure that everything you wear is clean and unwrinkled.

Personally, I’m guilty of some sloppy dressing. I wear jeans and jackets too many times in a row without washing them, and am always embarrassed when I find a ketchup stain on my sweater from the day before. I’m also terrible at finding clothes that “go together” and often find myself texting photos of outfits to friends to get their opinion.

If you’re like me and have trouble with style, you might consider putting together a few good-looking outfits to wear on first dates ahead of time. Remember that if you look good, you’re more likely to leave a great impression.

Being a good listener

Wait, what?

Just kidding. Of course you should be a good listener! In fact, the study found that 48% of people think it’s an important attribute when making a first impression. You might be thinking that there won’t be much to listen to within just 27 seconds of meeting, but there’s nothing worse than introducing yourself to someone, saying something pleasant or making a joke, and realizing that they weren’t paying attention to what you were saying.

Whenever I meet someone new, even if I only talk to them for a few minutes, I try to remember something about them. It might be that their birthday is coming up or that they’re planning to go camping. Then, when I see them next, I ask them about that thing I remembered.

It makes people feel good, knowing that someone cared to remember something about them, and it’s always nice to feel like you’re being listened to. Doing this on dates will let your partner know that you’re truly interested in getting to know them.

Smelling good

Say sorry to your Tinder profile for me, because any work you do to make corrections in this category won’t matter there. Still, this will be a big one when you two love birds finally meet in person. As it turns out, 46 percent of people really care about how someone smells and are turned off by someone with a stench.

But don’t take this as permission to lather on the cologne or spritz perfume high and low. A heavy, artificial aroma can be just as bad as B.O.

Your best bet is just to bathe regularly, use deodorant, and pop a mint every so often.

It’s also important to mention that some strong reactions to body odor could be due to pheromones, and if this is the case, there might not be much you can do to help it. If someone smells bad to you, this might be a sign that your immune systems are less suited for healthy reproduction (Smithsonian). I know, I know, this might not be the sexiest thing to talk about on a first date… but it’s science.

You may only have 27 seconds to make a good first impression, but now that you know which features to focus on, you’re sure to rock that first date from the moment you walk in the door. One great first impression can turn into a fabulous first date, and perhaps, the start of a future together.