Tag: fear of intimacy

The Push and Pull of Building Intimacy in a Relationship

by zfortadminin RELATIONSHIPS

Building intimacy after past hurt is easier with these tips!

As a therapist, I often hear couples complain that whenever one partner tries to get close, the other pulls away. It’s a painful reality that love isn’t always as easy to give and receive as we’d like to think. Many people have developed defenses that make them intolerant of too much love, attention or affection. Our personal limitations and insecurities are regularly acted out in our closest relationships. Very often, our current reactions (especially our overreactions) are based on negative programming from our past. In the blog “Why You Keep Winding Up in the Same Relationship,” I discussed how and why we form defenses that make it difficult to get close. In this blog, I want to offer a few ways to work on overcoming a fear of intimacy that may exist in our partners and even in ourselves:

Don’t build a case

Although relationships can feel like a tug of war with one of us struggling to pull closer while the other resists, engaging in the blame game is never the solution. Too often, we build a case against the people we are involved with. We use their flaws against them, cataloging their shortcomings in our minds until admiration slowly erodes into cynicism. When this transformation occurs, we become highly attuned to our partners’ less desirable traits. We start to filter and distort our view of them, so that they fit into the case we’ve built against them. We fail to see our partners as they really are, with strengths and with weaknesses. When we don’t see all aspects of a person, we become bent out of shape ourselves. We may act out or behave in ways of which we don’t approve. Conversely, when we interrupt this tendency to build a case, we can focus on ourselves and act in ways that truly represent who we are and how we feel. Staying vulnerable, open and compassionate toward our partner can make them feel safe and allow them to take a chance on being close. Being our best is the surest way to bring out the best in our partners.

Look at ourselves

If we notice our partners pulling away at certain points, it’s helpful to explore ways we might be contributing to the problem or even provoking it. Be open to the reality that we help create the situations we’re in. A good exercise is to look at what our partner does that we dislike the most, then think about what we do right before that. If a partner is unwilling to open up, do we do anything that might contribute to them shutting down? Do we nag? Get distracted? Do we talk down to them by trying to fix their problems or telling them what to do? Do we complain to them? Do we ever draw them out or just let them vent? We can take a powerful position in making our relationship closer by changing our own behavior. As psychologist and author, Dr. Pat Love says, “Feel your feelings, then do the right thing.”

Identify patterns

When people feel close, they react. Sometimes these reactions are positive, and sometimes they are negative. The reasons for this are complex and have a lot to do with how we’ve learned to see ourselves and the world around us throughout our lives. We may respond perversely to positive treatment, because it conflicts with negative ways we’re used to being seen or related to. Wherever these challenges come from, we can start to overcome them by identifying destructive patterns and dynamics in our relationships. For example, when our partner pulls back, how do we respond? Perhaps this action creates a certain amount of desperation within us, which in turn might leave us acting more needy or dependent toward them. Our distressed behaviors may make our partner more critical, perceiving us as weak or clingy, and they may then pull back further. Alternately, a partner’s withholding may leave us angry or hardened against him or her. We may withdraw in response and become colder in our actions. Naturally, this too will leave us estranged and emotionally distant from each other.

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Why Men Fear Intimacy

by zfortadminin Mind

But here’s the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are they so afraid of relationships?

Generalization caveat: Not all men are afraid of relationships, but many men are terrified of them. Before I get into the reasons why they’re so afraid, let me first address the question of whether men are more afraid of relationships than women.

The debate about whether men and women are extremely similar or extremely different doesn’t seem to go away, and it’s largely because we have little way of proving much within the psychological arena. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll learn so much about the brain that we can definitively answer the question. Odds are, however, that the day may never come: Perhaps the social influences shaping males and females are so powerful that it’s primarily the social part, and not the biological part, that makes men and women who are they are.

Do men fear relationships more than women? The truth is that it’s hard to tell. Measuring fear of intimacy among men and women in a research sense is tricky, but one study (Thelen et al., 2000) attempted it and found that men scored higher on a Fear-of-Intimacy Scale. To women who have known men terrified of relationships, this research will come as no surprise.

Anecdotally, my fifteen years as a therapist have shown me that men are often more afraid of letting their guards down and being vulnerable than women, so it would make sense if they fear relationships more than women. To give some context, the media is always reporting about the different ways boys and girls are socialized, and many of us see such gender-restrictive parenting among folks within our social circles. Because it does appear that boys and girls, at least historically, have been socialized differently, it would make sense that girls who were socialized to engage in cooperative play grow up to be women who are better at handling emotions and relationships than boys who were socialized to engage in competitive and physical play and grow up to be men who are less comfortable with vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.

But here’s the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are they so afraid of relationships?

Previous Relationship Trauma

A man may not be able to function well in a relationship if he has extensive issues that stem from a previous relationship trauma. The relationship trauma may have occurred when the man was a child or when he was an adult.

Men who, as children, had an absent parent, a parent they lost, or a parent who abused them in any way are going to have an awfully difficult time seeking out and maintaining a healthy relationship. The wake of trauma can make romantic relationships almost unbearable and undoable if the man has not processed the trauma and worked through all the associated thoughts and feelings.

In addition, men who are afraid of relationships may have had a previous relationship as an adult that was traumatic. Having a previous partner who abused them in any way, cheated on them, left them or died can cause these men later to avoid emotional intimacy and relationships altogether. Though some or all of these men may still have a desire for closeness, the emotional pain from the previous trauma is too great for these men to take the risk and jump into a relationship again.

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The Fears of Sex We Want to Banish

by zfortadminin Sex

Is it time to face your sexual fears?

The sexual impulse is exactly that: spontaneous, reactive, ever-present and a source of great comfort, excitement and motivation for many. Why then do so many people lose steam or avoid sex where it matters? While we generally attribute this to the aging body or boredom, when we take a closer look at the psychology and brain dynamics behind the phenomenon, several new hypotheses emerge. Consider the following:

1. Fear of repeated loss of performance:

Many men often are fine with sex until that first fateful day when they are unable to perform in bed despite their best intentions. This sudden “failure” as it is experienced becomes a shock to the brain and a stigma of such shame that many men will dread subsequent sexual interactions. (Women feel this too but it is often easier to hide.) Their partners, especially if this is a long-term relationship, may worry initially but then ignore this. This avoidance of sex than becomes a ritual and the couple then settles into other activities. When fear is this powerful, it can become conditioned in the brain and the dread of sex is best dealt with by addressing it immediately rather than avoiding the fear of this repeating. Often tiredness, too much alcohol, distraction and worry can all contribute to this lack of performance.

2. Fear of inability to satisfy:

Some partners are so afraid of losing their loved ones that all they do is focus on satisfying them without any interest in being satisfied themselves. They grow to convince themselves that they enjoy this and avoid being pleasured themselves because their fear of loss has chronically activated the fear center in the brain and this leads to rationalizations in order to protect them from loss. This much-admired self-sacrifice leads to a one-sided relationship and loss of the valuable opportunity of being pleasured as well.

3. Fear of intimacy:

This is an obvious one, but not so obvious in manifestation. At the core, most people can tolerate a certain amount of intimacy. However, fear of intimacy often masquerades as preference. When people declare their attractions despite being “emotionally close” to someone else, that someone else can often offer the opportunity to be a life-long partner except that the emotional intimacy is so close that the physical intimacy is daunting. So people fragment their lives and choose the best “balance” but by ignoring your fear with the most emotionally intimate person in your life you may be giving up one of the most fulfilling experiences you could ever have. I often see this manifest as “he or she is like my brother or sister.” I see this as a red flag of fear of intimacy and will often explore this with people when I can.

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