Fake Oxytocin Bubbles

We create fake bubbles of oxytocin all the time. Often we meet someone, and although we kind of like them, we may feel that there is not much else happening in that relationship — that is, until we have sex and start releasing oxytocin (as well as dopamine etc.) Then all of a sudden, the brain begins to trick us into believing that we share all the other points of the spectrum: the full spectrum.

We begin to feel differently about them, and even though we don’t have the full spectrum connection with that person, or even the makings of it, we start fooling ourselves into believing this person could be the “right person”, simply because we decided to have sex – and release oxytocin – which biologically can make you feel bonded with whomever.

However, most people know before they have sex with someone whether they have a full spectrum connection with that person. But if we compromise the full spectrum connection and have sex with that person anyway, we experience a confusing biological backlash that is completely hormonal in nature. We feel bonded to that person in a way that can feel like a full spectrum connection, since our biology tells us through the release of oxytocin that we are more intimate and more bonded with that person than we truly are. This can cause all kinds of confusion, and heartache.

To be clear, I am not moralistic about it, just realistic. A lot of people think that abstaining from sex until we are in a loving (full spectrum) relationship is an issue of morals, or adherence to religious doctrines. But this principle is grounded in biology, and a desire not to be fooled by it. Before you release oxytocin, listen to your bliss instinct, to your guiding system, otherwise you are playing with hormonal fire. You start feeling bonded with someone that is not right for you on levels other that sex, and you end up in a situation (like so many of us have before) where it is hard for you to let them go even though you know deep down that you don’t share that full spectrum connection with that person.

Light Bulb Moment!

For me it took quite a bit of experimentation to get to this important realization. You see, I come from a very conservative Indian background, and was taught by my parents and my culture not to have sex before marriage. And then when I went to study in Australia, casual sex was not only accepted, it was the norm; if you went on a few dates, it was almost expected. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, curious to explore — but I ended up feeling really horrible about myself.

Every time I would have sex with someone, I felt like their “code” would start integrating with mine, and since that feeling of bonding was not reciprocated, I took quite a hit in my self-esteem. Of course, I wasn’t as conscious of everything that was going on at that stage, personally or biologically, and I couldn’t understand why I was not feeling good.

I didn’t know back then that by body was producing oxytocin, the bonding hormone, or that sharing a sexual experience and tapping into the energetic “code” of your partner starts integrating their energy into your own. Now I know, if we don’t share the highest vibrational energy – the full spectrum – then we leave the next morning unconsciously picking up all of those vibrations, some of which feel connected with our energy centers, and many that don’t.

I realized that I had to go back to my original way of being, not because of cultural expectations or conditioning, but because I was able to see the value in myself and really begin to love my own vibrational “code”, and the stability of my personal being. I learned only to interact and relate to another human being sexually if the energetic spiral we shared was going to bring an overall sensation of bliss, and we both feel better about who we are, and our connection, as a result. Now, when it comes to sexual relationships, I am more deeply on my soul path rather than experiencing confusion and loss, or disconnection from my spiritual path, forgetting who I really was for several days after a sexual encounter and grieving for a connection that really wasn’t there in the first place.

I found a very similar experience with alcohol. I didn’t drink, but was socially encouraged to start drinking. It felt fun for several hours… but what about the next day when I have to go and serve my purpose, connect with people and share my love and my vibrations? It was counter-productive to being more deeply connected to my spiritual path. So it’s important to realize that anything that doesn’t bring you closer or doesn’t make you more aligned with who you are, more aligned to that love, to that confidence, to that beauty – whether you’re a male or female — is not the right way for you.

That’s when I realized that dopamine addiction and the dopamine-chasing way of life – the seeking of a constant, immediate reward — was not the way I wanted to go.