So what’s the antidote?

These are all natural hormonal processes in our bodies. If we understand what’s happening on a biological level, we can teach ourselves to get into the sustainable flow of the love-giving, intimacy-enhancing hormone oxytocin, which doesn’t give us the rollercoaster side-effects of dopamine when that sense of bliss and euphoria subsides.

Dopamine vs. Oxytocin

Known as the “bonding hormone”, oxytocin plays an important role in the neuroanatomy of wellbeing and intimacy. It is associated with various behaviors, including pair bonding and parental behaviors. For that reason, it’s not surprising that both men and women release significantly more oxytocin when they have a baby, because they both need to be a lot more stable and engaged to raise the baby. Obviously, going out, making new romantic connections and looking for the biological thrill of new partners wouldn’t create a secure environment for the baby to thrive. Oxytocin helps to create the bond of love at a biological level.

Dopamine is the culprit when it comes to addictive behavior. The release of dopamine is short lived but it feels so good that we often feel compelled chase the feeling. It also tends to function by the laws of diminishing returns – the more we have it, the less impactful or satiating the results. Any perceived scarcity of the dopamine-giving object or experience can create feelings of fear and stress, and so we set out to engage in behaviors that fulfill our cravings. Of course, we can get addicted to anything that gives us that high, be it pharmaceutical or hormonal.

In my experience, when the dopamine cycle takes control, we can feel addicted to many different stimuli, e.g. sex, food, alcohol or drugs, or it could be a 21st century addiction like Facebook, internet porn or TV. Before we know, it can us turn into dopamine junkies. We live in a state of constant anxiety, nervousness, feelings of scarcity, and the sense that something vital piece is missing from our lives — and yet somehow is always unattainable. We become distracted, with that recurring (addictive) impulse always at the back of our minds.

But there is a solution to this all-pervasive dopamine addiction, and like most sustainable solutions, it happens to be “substitution” — finding something else that can sustainably fill the void we are trying to fill with our addictive behavior. In the case of dopamine addiction, oxytocin, which is the hormone of love, connection, safety and bliss, counteracts the fear and stress created by the cycle of dopamine spike and drops. So it’s a matter of disengaging the body from a dopamine addiction by learning to trigger oxytocin instead.

Oxytocin Substitution

In my experience working with people on this very problem over the years, I have come to realize that the subconscious mind feels a lot more ease to trade in a lower vibrational drug to a higher vibrational drug. Adopting the mindset of “going cold turkey” activates the potent powers of the dopamine receptors and this biological scarcity creates a sensation in us that leads to cravings.

When you give up something, e.g. alcohol, meat, or change the way you were having sex from a very aggressive way of chasing dopamine to a sweet loving, connected form of sex which triggers oxytocin, there’s always an adjustment period. When I stopped eating meat, for example, it was uncomfortable for a while. I was addicted to it, I really wanted to eat it, and there was a taste, a flavor, a feeling that I used to get from it, which was extremely addictive. I would eat a vegetarian meal and not feel satiation. On a biological level, my body wasn’t just missing the nutrition, it was missing the reward hormone (dopamine) that came with it.

However, when we learn to substitute dopamine behaviors for oxytocin behaviors, and become “addicted” instead to oxytocin, we start looking for a more sustainable “high” — like intimate bonding and spiritual love. The same when you switch to more loving, softer, oxytocin connections and sex – instead of having a rapid release, the body learns to feel satiated with a slow release. It’s like a slow simmer or a slow burn, rather than like a full release all at once, which takes us away from the hormonal rollercoaster of dopamine. It’s a process of retraining ourselves to become “addicted” to subtler, more sustainable vibration, and to a hormone that we have easier access to. As a result, prolactin, which is the hormone of satiation, will then reprogram its circuitry, triggering instead when you behave in a more oxytocin-generating way.