When your sex drive is “out of order,” here are some intimacy techniques to keep things spicy and hot!

Women’s magazines love to talk a good game with stories about people who seem to be constantly having amazing sex. In their imaginary world, couples are having sex with each other pretty much all the time, and you read these headlines that say things like: “How often should you be having sex with your partner?” or “Are you having enough sex to satisfy your partner?” and, suddenly, you feel like a failure before you have even done anything.

The truth is, the real world is much different than what traditional media show.

There are a myriad of reasons why usually sexually active couples might not be having penetrative sex.

If you’re in a relationship that regularly has sex, there are many things that can put “traditional” sex on hold. Things like low sex-drive, depression, long or short-term illnesses, injuries, pregnancies, post-pregnancy issues, stamina issues, vaginismus, side effects from medications, diabetes, age, and those periods in time when you’re simply just not feelin’ it.

And although this is certainly something to adjust to and come to terms with, it does not mean that intimacy and deep connection is not possible. There are many ways in which a couple can become and remain close, without having “traditional” intercourse.

Some of the following examples are sexual, and others aren’t. But they will all help you to stay intimate with one another. Finding creative ways to stay connected can mean the difference between a “blah” relationship and one with endless fireworks.

Here are some great intimacy techniques to try, when penetrative intercourse isn’t an option:

1. Massage & intimate touch

Touching one another is a fantastic way to remain intimate. Often times, when intercourse and orgasm is the primary focus, things can become somewhat robotic or routine, and you may stop paying attention to the details of your partner’s body. These areas carry erogenous zones, and can act as just as much of a turn-on as the obvious “go to” spots. Touch your partner. Everywhere. Take turns giving each other full body rubdowns or massages. Use oils and lotions to help enhance or change the feeling of the touch. Light some candles, put on some music, and ease each other into a world of relaxation and romance.

2. Cuddling

Different from the interactivity of massage or intentional touch, this is the comforting act of holding one another. Yes, it sounds corny, but there is truly nothing like being held by the person you love. It sends a feeling of calm and peacefulness through their body, and it definitely creates a closeness between the two of you that is tough to achieve any other way. Embracing in the silence of each other’s arms is comforting and reassuring of your connection.

3. Make-out sessions

Often times when sex has been the focus of a couple’s intimate experiences, kissing can get lost inside all the action. In my opinion, kissing is underrated, and if you really spend some good quality time on kissing and making out with one another, it can be a huge turn-on. My partner and I sometimes have contests with ourselves, to see if we can lock lips for five minutes straight, or during the commercials of a TV show we are watching. Turning kissing into a game or competition can be super fun, and a great way to spice things up when sex isn’t in the picture.

4. Oral sex

If penetrative intercourse is not an option for whatever reason, but oral pleasure is, then by all means, go for it! Oral pleasure is a sure fire way to orgasm for both parties, and is very erotic and fun. There are also many ways and many positions to try this in, both when receiving and giving, so it can be different each time. Playing with senses such as warm and cool, taste enhancers, and edible oils can also be fun.

5. Stare at each other

…not in a creepy way, of course, but in a silent, deep connecting kind of way. Sometimes we get caught up in the loudness of everything or the fast-paced world we all live in. Take a few moments, or set a timer even, where talking is not allowed, and try to simply focus on each other’s breath, faces, eyes, and other details. This can be quite satisfying, when practiced regularly. I have recently done a lot of this “deep staring” with my partner, and it is a beautiful way to get lost in each other. When we do this, it feels really connected and emotional, in the very best of ways. And for an added activity, try also asking these New York Times approved questions that are “guaranteed” to make you fall deeper in love.

6. Extreme teasing

This is where you bring each other to the brink of orgasm, and then stop, and then start, or switch to a new area on their body. Lots of kissing, touching, caressing, and a combination of the senses is what this entails and accomplishes. You can include many things in your teasing, such as toys or props, to make things even more interesting. Blindfolds, dildos, stimulators, body paints, or whatever else makes you happy.

The bottom line is, the more you can find out what makes the other person tick, the more fun you will have together.

Open-mindedness and communication are everything, especially when intercourse is either limited or not possible. You can still find ways to connect, both physically, and emotionally. Try some of these suggestions tonight, and see for yourself just how fun and fresh your sex life can be, even without intercourse.

If you’d like to read about other intimacy techniques, check out these 21 things to try in long term relationships. Or these 11 ideas for newlyweds!