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More Into P*rn than You–What Do You Do?

by zfortadminin Mind

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

Is it normal for my husband to be more into porn than into me?

I got married 4 years ago. From the beginning I have had a feeling that my husband is not emotionally attached to me. Now we talk very little. He is always busy internet surfing or playing games. I feel so lonely.

He is not interested in sex any more. It has been 2 months since we had sex. I have caught him masturbating so many times while watching porn. But whenever I try to join in or do sexy stuff with him, he refuses or remains quiet.

This all hurt too much. I love him and want to be with him. All I want is to be loved and to have his time. I tried to talk to him but he refuses or says it’s not a problem or gets angry.

I feel like porn has come between my relationship and I am blaming myself. Pornography is evil. What should I do to be loved by him!

Signed,

Broken Woman

Dearest Sacred Bombshell,

First of all, you are not broken. You are a whole and complete woman no matter what is happening to you in your relationship, bedroom, or life.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. A man — or woman — cannot be driven to porn by anything his or her partner does. Read that sentence again. Your husband is an adult. He is the only one responsible for his choices. Your husband should absolutely not be choosing porn over you. That is beyond problematic.

Your question, “What can I do to be loved by him?” is also extremely troubling. That set off all of my alarms; not only as Life Coach but also as a woman. There is no right thing that you can do to be loved by the wrong person. Someone either loves and accepts who you are or they don’t.

You say that your husband has not been emotionally into you. Is it possible that your husband may be depressed and not have the emotional ability to express his sadness? Did something transformative happen personally or professionally around the time that his behavior changed?

If someone wants to numb and avoid their real lives, they can become addicted to anything. Porn is your husband’s drug of choice. It is not the adult films that are evil. The issue is that you are sad and lonely in a non-communicative marriage with no emotional or sexual intimacy. If your husband is addicted to pornography, you cannot have a healthy relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an addict.

Ask your husband to join you in therapy ASAP. Show him this post. Tell him that this is a 911 situation. Let him know that you have been feeling sad and lonely in your relationship. Meanwhile, you may both find support in a 12-step group. Please note that this is not intended to treat or diagnose any illness or condition. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own well-being.

Be Broken Ministries is a group for men struggling with porn addiction. FightTheNewDrug.org is an online recovery program and Sexaholics Anonymous at SA.org can be a great place for you both to find support.

I called you a Sacred Bombshell because I have reclaimed the word “bombshell” to mean a woman who loves, honors, and cherishes herself in mind, body, and spirit. This is what I want for you. You deserve to feel love and connection in your relationship. You deserve your man’s love and his time. Whether your husband acknowledges the issues or chooses remains in denial, I urge you to get support for yourself immediately.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Tell if It’s Time to Get Help for Your Sex Life

by zfortadminin Sex

Relationships have sexual ups and downs — and that’s normal. Factors, from stress to busy schedules to hormones, can get in the way of intimacy and make our sex lives feel less exciting than they likely did at the beginning of a relationship.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your bedroom problems, it may be time to consider calling in some professional backup and seeing a sex therapist. “There are always one-offs here and there, such as stress, lifestyle, and hormones,” says sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, PhD, “but the real indicator that you need someone to address your issues it is to look for a pattern.”

Sex therapist Vanessa Marin agrees, pointing out that waiting to solve an issue can be unhealthy for your relationship. “Too many couples put off sex therapy and the problem snowballs,” she says. “If you’re in crisis mode by the time you land in a therapist’s office, you’re going to have to spend more time trying to address your anger and resentment than you will addressing the original issue.”

Here are seven signs you might benefit from sex therapy from Drs. Kat and Marin.

You’re Constantly Fighting With Your Partner

If you find that you and your S.O. are bickering more than usual, don’t get too alarmed. “What you have to do is make sure the fighting is constructive,” Dr. Kat says. If you feel like your arguments are getting unproductive and repetitive, a therapist can help you walk through exercises to turn your fighting from nasty to constructive. Dr. Kat, for example, works with couples “on getting them aware of what their triggers are, what the signs are in their bodies [when they’re reaching to triggers], and what their negative self-talk is.”

Once patients are aware of why they’re feeling what they’re feeling during a disagreement with their partner, Dr. Kat helps them with tools for managing their emotions and getting out of “fight or flight” mode, which encourages people to get defensive or abandon a discussion altogether.

“This can involve breath work, verbalizations, eye-gazing, advocating for two-minute breaks to regroup, counting to 10, or even reaching out for body-to-body contact in order to switch up the energy of the interaction,” she explains. “Also, having established ‘fair fighting rules’ can be helpful. What works can be different for every couple.”

You Can’t Orgasm

Let’s say you’ve been having sex with your partner for a while, but you haven’t orgasmed from it yet. While orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of your sex life, it can be a great part of it and you deserve to figure out what’s going on. Take a look at what’s happening in your life and your relationship: Have you been feeling more stressed than usual? Have you been communicating your desires to your partner? If it’s been a while and you still don’t know why you haven’t been able to come with your partner (and that’s an experience you’d like to have), it’s time to think about sex therapy.

And what if you’ve never had an orgasm — like, ever? Seeing a sex therapist is a great step. “The main issue is that women are made to feel guilty for not knowing how to orgasm, but they’re never given the opportunity to learnhow to orgasm,” Marin says. “They feel really lost about what they need to get there, and it’s hard to find accurate information.”

Sex therapists can be like detectives, working with you to pinpoint what’s holding you back from maximum pleasure and giving you action items, such as masturbation techniques, to help you get there.

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