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“Dancing With the Stars” The Love Meter Review from LOVE TV – Week Two

by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Here is the break down of the couple’s chemistry or lack thereof and who gave us fever this week…

So, last week, we here at LOVE TV began a fun new new venture – rating the chemistry of each pair of dancers on the hit show: “Dancing With the Stars”, in our weekly “Love Meter Review.” Tom Bergeron, TV’s wittiest host, was kind enough to share our first piece on his Twitter page (a “retweet.”) The idea is simple: While the judges panel is busy giving their scores on and judging the dancing and technique, we use our own very special and scientific method (I made it up) to determine the chemistry or lack thereof, from week to week, of each couple. Now, as the stress gets higher in the competition, or as relationships grow and change between pairs, their chemistry can also change. We also have a cast filled with some pretty colorful personalities this season, so things could get interesting. Last week, since it was the premiere episode, nobody was eliminated. This week, the first elimination took place, which I will reveal at the end of the article who went home (I don’t think anyone is really surprised here by who it was.) So, let us begin!

NANCY AND ARTEM- *Code Red

They did a Latin dance, and as much as Artem tries to build up Kerrigan’s ego, it is fragile from her many days as an Olympian, listening to the harsh critiques of Russian judges screaming at her. Seriously, when Artem tried to simply compliment Nancy during rehearsal footage, she had a breakdown and ran away crying, saying: “He’s saying nice things to me! I cant handle this right now!” Seriously, what the hell do these Olympic coaches and judges do to these athletes psyche? Artem is trying, but Nancy seems fearful of the words “good job.” She practically runs out of the room screaming. Their dance was pleasant and sweet. Len said: “you lost a bit of control, like my bladder.” Carrie Ann said that Nancy found herself out there.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Well, I would give them a high number, but that might send Kerrigan screaming out of Hollywood and back to her safe space, so let’s go with “CODE RED TRAUMA ALERT” for this week.

ERIKA AND GLEB- *Glitter

They did the Foxtrot, and during rehearsals, things seemed a tad odd when he said to cameras: “I like her”, and she said back: “I don’t need you to like me. I need you to make me look good.” He did just that, and their dance was really nice, but I still feel a plastic-like quality to their relationship and bond. Something about it seems a bit superficial. Bruno said the dance was “a sex-trot!”, which I guess means that it was sexy. Len called it a “Beverly Hills Foxtrot”, which I guess means it was glamorous. I still think Gleb is a interesting name, but who cares, when you look like THAT!

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: “GLITTER.” Very shiny. Very pretty. Falls apart easily.

CHARO AND KEO-*Hurricane

This woman is a trip. She HAS to be in her late 70’s if not older. Can someone pleaase find out for me? I dont think its on record anywhere, her age. But those legs and those breasts and those hips, wow! And then she opens her mouth to speak, and it’s like: “what on earth is this woman saying?” Nobody knows. Even Bruno is confused, and he is the KING of nonsense sentences. They did the Paso Doble, and Charo said its a very personal dance for her, and speaks to her passion for Spain and tells the story of her life. When she and Keo speak, its as if they are on two different planets entirely. Also, she is out of control. She screams into the microphone, grabs it from Bergeron, and tries to flee the show, during the show!!! For real. Erin Andrews was interviewing her backstage, and she started running away to go back out onto the dance floor area. Keo had to literally hold her back and stop her. I almost feel like poor Keo has to babysit this crazy chick. I hope he is getting paid extra. Bruno said of Charo: “You are your own creation! You’re a tornado!” Charo replied: “You have a funny accent! Your english sucks!” Really. She said that. She is off her meds I think. Or she’s on Carrie Ann’s meds. Or Len’s. Either way, it’s not good.

Judges Scores: 6/6/7/6

Love Meter Score: I’m giving these two the score of “HURRICANE!” They are a force to be reckoned with, things are flying everywhere, nobody knows what the hell is going on, and when they talk to each other, it just sounds like gusty wind and chaos.

NICK AND PETA-*Old Couch

They also did the Foxtrot. Their relationship seems to be growing week by week. Not in a romantic way, but a nice friendship where they are comfortable together and like to tease each other and joke around. They are playful, fun, organic. Their dance was the same. Carrie Ann told Nick: “You have to breathe when you move.” So, yes, that’s helpful advice. Make sure that you inhale and exhale. Len got very grumpy after this dance, and continued that way until the end of the show. Someone must have messed around with his oat bran, or maybe he was upset because someone taped over his episode of “Murder She Wrote” on the DVR at the home. In any case, he wasn’t in a good mood, and yelled at them for being “hectic, no control, madness!” Again, like his bladder. Julianne loved their partnership.

Judges Scores: 7/5/7/6 (the 5 came from Grumpypants Len)

Love Meter Score: I’m giving their chemistry a score of “OLD COUCH.” Comfortable, a bit predictable, soft, easygoing, and you have a feeling there might be an old sock hiding inside of Nick’s Brillo Pad hair-poof.

HEATHER AND MAKS-*Blind Date

Well, this week, it will be a bit tough to judge the chemistry of Heather and Maks, since Maks injured himself indefinitely and was unable to dance. He landed wrong on his ankle during rehearsals, and it didn’t sound or look good. So, in came the substitute pro-dancer, Alan, who learned their Jive routine in a matter of hours. I thought they looked great out there, but once again, Len “Get off my lawn, you crazy kids!” Goodman, found a reason to get upset. “It was a waste! I don’t want to see hip-hop! I want to see Jive! Come out here and do a Jive!”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/8 (guess who the 6 came from?)

Love Meter Score: I’m going to give Heather and her brand new, temporary partner, a love meter score of: “BLIND DATE!”, because that is what this was. I would say it was a successful blind date though. Not sure if there will be a second date or not, but their bond showed promise.

BONNER AND SHARNA- *Feelin Hot

These two hotties are still trying to fan the flames of all the rumors being spread from last week’s premiere, that they are dating, they are an item, etc. The chemistry between them is definitely there, and spreading like wildfire, even as they deny that anything is going on. Again in rehearsal footage, Bonner commented to cameras about Sharna’s beauty. “A pretty dance, with a pretty lady.” They were also holding hands during rehearsal footage. Not to sound like I’m in high-school or anything, but these two are SOOOO into each other! Julianne saw it. She said: “I feel like I was watching something unfolding.” Bruno told Bonner not to “go woody.” I don’t even want to know what that means. Len was STILL angry and yelling, and this time, the audience booed him. Tom Bergeron hilariously replied to Len’s grumpy comments: “Well, someone needs a sandwich.”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/7

Love Meter Score: These two are getting a chemistry score of “FEELIN’ HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!”

SIMONE AND SASHA- *Donnie and Marie

THey did the Cha-cha, and it was pretty hot. Fire in the background. Very passionate. On the dance floor, they were able to get across the sexy hot theme for their dance. But their chemistry is more sibling-like, and I get the feeling that Sasha is very protective of Simone, and it’s kind of sweet. He can also be a bit tough on her, and expects a lot of her. Bruno said: “You set off all the fire alarms!” She felt a bit weird trying to be sexy, but she pulled it off well.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a chemistry ranking of “DONNIE AND MARIE OSMOND.” Syrupy-sweet siblings with lots of spunk and talent.

CHRIS AND WITNEY- *Mommy is Proud

Well, since he was SO awful last week, of course this week, they make us all feel badly about saying that he was so awful, by sharing his tragic story of how he is basically dancing with an almost broken spine and back. This happened years ago, and apparently, its a miracle he is even able to move, and was told he couldn’t do his physical comedy anymore that he was so known for. Even Witney was crying while looking at his sad x-ray pictures of his spine. So, NOW you tell us!!! Anyway, he still seems defensive to me. Not sure what to make of their dance. It was once again all over the place, and I had no idea what was happening. There was a beret involved, lots of extra background dancers, quite confusing. Julianne called it “focused.” Bruno had the comment of the night when he called the pair: “Marilyn Monroe and Cecille B. Demented!” When they received their scores, Witney was talking to him backstage like he was a puppy. “See that? Good boy! Look! You got a 6! Good boy!”

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5

Love Meter Score: Their chemistry this week was like that of an overworked, guilty mom with her 11 year old, very sensitive son. “Mommy’s gonna dance with you this week, okay? How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Yes? Good boy!!!!” I give them a score of: “MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!”

NORMANI AND VAL – *Strangers In The Night

They did the Cha-cha. There is an ease between them as partners, but she seems separated from him somehow, like she is somewhere else. Well, technically, she was. Traveling and on tour with her band, but he came with her so they could rehearse during the week. Somehow, they learned the dance and it came across very well. Bruno asked: “What do they serve on that airline? You have such energy! I want to fly with you!” After the show, she was getting on another plane to China. Yikes.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Due to the fact that they barely saw each other this week because of her crazy schedule, I’m giving them a solid score of: “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT – EXCHANGING GLANCES.”

RASHAD AND EMMA – *Fever

How did I not notice this dude’s hotness last week? Or did I, and I’m just noticing it all over again and forgetting that I already did notice it last week? Either way, he is hot. They did the Vienesse Waltz, and it was quite sensual and sexy. Bruno called it “50 Shades of Waltz.” Carrie Ann certainly noticed Rashad’s hotness, with her comment about his: “raw, pedestrian masculinity.” Wow. Down, girl!!! Julianne noted that the way in which he holds Emma, is the way that all women wish to be held. All I know is that I wish to be held – by HIM!!!

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: This week, they’re getting a chemistry reading of: “YOU GIVE ME FEVER!” They were hot!

T AND KYM – *Milk Duds

They did the Paso Doble, and it was to “Eye of the Tiger.” A huge boxing ring was the set-up, and Mr. T was a boxer in the dance. It seemed like more jabbing than dancing, but I’m not here to judge dancing. Their relationship seems very sweet and genuine, and he seems like underneath all those chains and toughness, he might be a big ole’ teddy bear. Carrie Ann said “you are growing and expanding.” I think she meant mentally, but it sounded like she was telling Mr. T that he was getting fat. Julianne said “I think you’re crushing it.” Len took a nap in his oatmeal.

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5 (Len woke up long enough to give the grumpy 5.)

Love Meter Score: Sorry, but their chemistry felt weak this time around. I’m giving them a score of “MILK DUDS.”

DAVID AND LINDSAY – *Energy Drink

Their song was “Bust a Move”, and he was lipsyncing and rapping and having all kinds of fun. He is so adorable. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home. They have such a great energy together. Like two little kids playing at recess. They just always have fun. Their dance was the same.

Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of “ENERGY DRINK.” They are fun and happy and bouncy.

WHO WENT HOME:

Chris and Witney. Not really a surprise there. He looked quite upset to be the first one leaving, because it does suck to be the first one eliminated by votes and scores. He said: “I wish my surgery was noted before this week, but it wasn’t, but I had an incredible time.” He seems like he might go home hurt and angry. Perhaps Tom Bergeron should get security to gently walk him out of the building, just in case. Or send Charo home with him, so she can annoy him into quiet submission.

Stay tuned for more hijinks and hilarity from LOVE TV’s Love Meter, Next Week!!!!

Dancing With the Stars: This Week’s Love Meter Review and Shocking Elimination!

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

On this week’s favorite ballroom blitz extravaganza reality show, eight couples remained. For the first time ever, the show did a new theme where pairs danced to iconic Boy Bands and Girl Groups, and former contestant, runner-up to the winner, and Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, sat in as guest judge. Also this week, was a TEAM DANCE broken up into teams of men vs. the women. As always, the 4 judges on the panel gave their opinions and scores on the dancing and choreography, but we here at LOVE TV will critique what really matters – the couple’s chemistry. Now unless you are a professional like me, please do not try to rate the couples at home. This must only be done in a professional environment, using my special scientific formula (I made it up). Just come here, and read on. Oh, and you’re welcome. Let’s get started with this week’s action:

SIMONE AND SASHA: EGG ON THE FACE

They did the Samba to a Destiny’s Child song. During rehearsal footage, Simone was asked if her partner was sexy, to which she responded, “Hmmm, thats pushing it. Sexy? No. Rashad is sexy!” (and she is right) Their dance got mixed reviews, with mostly high marks, and with Len saying “the timing was suspect, like my bladder.” Okay, maybe I made up that last part. But you can’t prove it. Backstage, Erin Andrews further embarassed Simone by bringing up her sexy crush on him. She giggled like a schoolgirl, which she is, technically.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/9

Love Meter Score: This week, I’m giving this couple a score of EGG ON THE FACE, because it must have been slightly awkward having to practice with Sasha for 17 thousand more hours, right after saying he isn’t sexy in the slightest.

BONNER AND SHARNA: COOL DOWN

They did the Rumba, to a Backstreet Boys song, with Nick Carter being a former member AND also being Sharna’s former dance partner. So, the pressure was on. The dance was lovely, but i feel like some of their former spark has started to dim a bit, or maybe they are over each other already. There was a definite hot chemistry factor with these two, the first few weeks, and although it’s still there, its getting more lukewarm for some reason. Nick said: “I can’t be more proud of what I just saw.” Bonner claimed in rehearsals, to cameras, that he is the worst dancer on the show. Yeah, but he also has the best naked chest, and is the cutest. So, there’s that.

Judges Scores: 8/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a scientific score of COOL DOWN PERIOD. To be determined as to whether or not their hot status re-appears in the future.

NANCY AND ARTEM: FRIENDS

They danced to the Girl Group EnVogue, and they did the Paso Doble. Nancy was very overly critical of herself during footage, and Artem tried to comfort her while still being the firm and supportive coach. Their dance was quite nice, and you could feel the supportive and caring nature coming from her partner in their movements. Carrie Ann called it “spot on. Well done.” Nick said “My mind is blown. You have blown my mind.” Bruno made a sound that only Bruno can understand. Len napped in his Cream of Wheat.

Judges Scores: 9/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Giving these two a chemistry reading of FRIENDLY COACH, because I’m guessing that Artem is way sweeter and more friendly than any of the Olympic coaches Kerrigan is used to. They can be tyrants.

NICK AND PETA: SIBLINGS

Their dance was to the Beach Boys classic “Fun Fun Fun”, and it was a Jive. The routine had the feel of a 1950s scene, with the TV appearing black and white as if in an old music video or movie. They were pretty adorable together this week, and she was great with him in rehearsals about helping him let go of his insecurities as a dancer. Len said it was “lacking polish and finesse, like my …. oh, never mind.” Now, I may have misheard him, but I could have sworn that Bruno said the dance was “a bit like a stroke”, which was absolutely hilarious and also extremely wrong. Maybe he said something else, but Nick Carter and Carrie Ann sort of gasped when he said it, so who knows. Nobody ever knows what the hell that guy says, because nobody can understand him. Except Charo. Charo could understand Bruno, because she spoke the same crazy language.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: This week, they get a score of BIG SIS AND LITTLE BROTHER vibe, because that’s how it felt.

NORMANI AND VAL: SIZZLE

They did the Salsa, and their theme was that Val was a hot and sexy construction worker, grabbing her off the street for a sexy dance. It was very hot, and the chemistry was great this week. Bruno had the funniest and wackiest, most innuendo comment with: “It melted all my wiring, and blew out all my boxes!” Carrie Ann said that Normani’s body lines were perfection. And if it weren’t for Grumpy Len, their scores would have also been perfection. You can’t really blame him though. They woke him up from his nap.

Judges Scores: 10/10/8/10

Love Meter Score: Hot, hot, and even more hot! Like SIZZLING FAJITAS!!!!

DAVID AND LINDSAY: PAPA DON’T PREACH

They did the Argentine Tango to an N’Sync song. I always love these two. They are so darn cute, and he is the most genuine guy. The way the Chicago Cubs and his former Boston Red Sox teams support him on the show is so cool. Lindsey told him she is his coach, and he responded with “I see it like this. You’re my teammate.” He was a bit stressed out this week due to busy schedule and tension, and she helped him relax. Carrie Ann said “you don’t seem like yourself tonight.” Bruno pointed out that he almost dropped Lindsey while on a lift. David replied with: “I might come off as grumpy when I’m trying to just be serious. Was trying to be sexy for this dance, but Lindsey is like my daughter, so it’s weird.” Love them.

Judges Scores: 7/8/7/7

Love Meter Score: Since Lindsey is like a daughter to him, I’m giving them a PAPA DON’T PREACH score this week.

RASHAD AND EMMA: DRILL SERGEANT

They danced to the Four Tops, and had the Tango. During rehearsals, Emma was working Rashad like crazy, and he noticed when he said to cameras “This girl ain’t playin around. She’s serious.” It paid off, because their connection and hard work showed in the dance. Bruno said creepily: “You wanted to show us what you’ve got, and you’ve got plenty!”

Judges Scores: 9/10/9/9

Love Meter Score: Giving their fierceness and determination DRILL SERGEANT status this week, because Emma wasn’t playin!!!

HEATHER AND MAKS: STUNNER

So, after a few weeks nursing his injury and being replaced by another pro dancer as Heathers partner, Maks was finally back, and their connection was stronger and better than ever. They did the TLC song “Waterfalls”, and they had the Rumba. She was joking with him that she wanted to get the “Disney 10 score” last week and didn’t, and he promised her that she would get the 10 score this week with him. The movements were perfect, and they seemed extremely happy to be back together again. Len said: “Beautiful leg action, knockout dance.” Nick called it his “favorite dance of the night.” It was super sexy and passionate, and she is a kick-ass dancer.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: SIMPLY STUNNING!

TEAM BOYBAND: The men and their pro-dance partners did a fun medley that had a bit of “Magic Mike” quality to it, and was super fun. Their chemistry together as guys was a blast. They were like old friends having a great time.

TEAM GIRLGROUP: Fun chemistry, lots of athletic movement, but didn’t seem as flowing as the men’s number.

ELIMINATION:

Well, here comes the shocker. Who went home this week? Not Nick, the bachelor who can only “sort of” dance, on a good day. Not the baseball player, because he is so sweet and funny and not too terrible, and everyone just loves him to pieces. Who went home, was the girl who everyone thought would be in the Finals. The girl who got her PERFECT TEN scores tonight, as promised by Maks. The girl who had to work with a different partner on the fly, because her original one was injured. Yup. Heather went home, and you could tell that she was just as shocked as everyone else. Also, the massive BOOING coming from the audience showed their disdain for the results. Hey, at least she didn’t go home before Mr. T. Or the horror show that was Chris Kattan. Could somebody wake Len up? Who is going to tell him that Heather was eliminated? Bergeron, that will be your job. He likes you best.

Dancing With the Stars: The Semi-Finals Love Meter Review!

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

This week was Semi-Finals Week on everyone’s favorite dance show, and each of the remaining four couples were judged one last time before seeing who would make it into the Finals. As always, the judges panel on the show were in charge of scoring the choreography, dance moves, and technical abilities of each couple. But we here at LOVE TV have a different but just as important purpose – judging the chemistry between each couple, and sometimes the chemistry in other random places where it’s appropriate (such as the chemistry between Len and his grumpyness, or between Bruno and extra-grumpy Len, when he hasn’t had his nap. ) With only 4 couples left this week, the elimination took another surprising turn, which had the judges gasping with shock at who went home. Let’s take a look:

NORMANI AND VAL: Sweet!

They did a Vienesse Waltz, which was quite lovely, and they were both very sweaty. You could barely see their faces because there was so much sweat coming off of the both of them together. Julianne said the dance was “stunning. You dance as one. ” Yes, and they sweat as one, too! Bruno said: “Sin city! Get out of there! Sexy! ” No. Seriously. That is what he said. Nobody else knows what it means either. A funny exchange proving this followed, when Bruno yelled: “Everybodys so pumped up!”, and Tom Bergeron replied: “Well, clearly YOU are!”

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10

Love Meter Score: Giving them a score of SWEAT BUDDIES, because they were sweating like fools out there, and their chemistry is very buddy-like.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: So Cute!

They did the Foxtrot, and as always, they were adorable and so likable. This guy could WIN this thing, due to all his very loyal Cubs player fans and Cub FANS fans. (Trust me, it makes sense) In any case, Bruno said: “Lots of margaritas! Joy! Fun! I watch you everyday!” Was he drunk? He was making even less sense than usual this week. Carrie Ann called the dance “much improved. You bring it!” Len called David “the boy that brings joy!” Wow, all this cute rhyming.

Judges Scores: 9/8/9/8

Love Meter Score: AWWWWWWWW!!! Their relationship just screams that phrase. Everytime I see them together , I think “Awwww!!!” They are so damn cute, and so likable, and each week, their dance isnt the best dance, but people love it to death, and they are just a big ball of “Awwwww!!!!” And they may win the whole show because of “Awww!”

SIMONE AND SASHA: Brady Bunch!

These two are pretty darn good, VERY good actually. She is like a professional dancer most weeks. They did the Jive, and it was an Arcade theme. Bruno said: “Wreckless sassy attitude!” I swear, I dont know what meds he is on this week, but I wish someone would give me some. Carrie Ann said “You danced with soul tonight.” Their dances were clearly the best of the night, and their chemistry has gotten a lot closer over the weeks. Its sort of a sibling love I feel coming from them, one of respect and mutual admiration. And they are fun. They have fun together.

Judges Scores: 10/10/10/10 Perfect scores all night long

Love Meter Score: Because they are so darn cute and also sibling-like, I am giving them a score of “BRADY BUNCH!” vibe. They are like Cindy and Bobby Brady. So cute. So innocent. So Brady. The funny part is, Sasha is probably too young to even get the reference.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Delicious!

They did the Quickstep, and it was lovely. He is a great dancer, and I lovve his personality. She is a bit quirky and I love her accent, and they sort of are like two people whom you dont expect to work together, but do. They are a surprising delightful treat together. Len said something about “It was hard, then soft. Then big, then small.” Ummm, no comment. Julianne thought the dance was great, calling it “all improved. Well done.”

Judges Scores: 9/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: SCRAMBLED EGGS AND HOT SAUCE!!! You dont think it goes together, but it does!!! And its quite delicious, and strange!!! And delicious!!! I think they will be in the Finals.

SHOCKING ELIMINATION: It’s all about the Chemistry

So the bottom two couples after votes were Lindsay and David, and Sasha and Simone.

Simone and Sasha went home.

After getting two scores of Perfect Tens.

It was shocking. The judges looked mad as hell. The chemistry between the audience at home and Simone isnt as good as the love between the fans at home and David Ross of the Chicago Cubs. They just love that guy, even if he is only a mediocre dancer. Just goes to show, its that love connection and chemistry, from audience to celebrity, that counts. They love his personality. His humor. His humility. He might win. But in the meantime, Sasha was sent home one week before the Finale. And everyone was booing that choice.

Next week is the Finale, and the best part of the show, when each couple gets to do their “Freestyle” dance. Will Bruno start making some sense? Will the audience ever stop booing from this week’s elimination? Who will win the Mirror Ball Trophy and zero money? Stay tuned next week to find out ………