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We all crave some sort of physical attention. But is it possible to get this without having sex?

Personally, I’ve always desired sensual relationships more than sexual. This could be because of my asexual orientation, or simply because I’m a particularly sensitive person. I never really fantasized about sex. I’ve had sex plenty of times, sure, but it was never my preferred method of intimacy. Because of this, I don’t particularly desire anything beyond close friendships. It’s perfectly possible to have an intimate emotional relationship to someone that isn’t a significant other without it leading to sex.

Preferring Sensual Over Sexual

It takes a very rare bond to engage in sensual acts with a friend. An unnameable kind of connection that requires a very specific type of validation. In my case, I tend to crave physical touch from my friends. Instead of getting drunk and having sex with a stranger, I would get drunk and hug my friends a lot. Especially men, because of how myself and plenty of other women have been conditioned to seek male validation in every form.

I remember being with my ex-boyfriend and trying to get him to be sensual with me. He was a very aggressively sexual person, so it always had to turn into some sort of sex act. He wouldn’t be able to cuddle for too long before we ended up with our clothes off. I would try to lay my head in his lap get him to play with my hair, but he just didn’t get it. At the end of the day, I realized I wanted more of a platonic relationship with him and other men I dated, leading to my identification as asexual.

Types of Asexuality

There is a wide spectrum of asexuality, and can range from:

Having no desire for sex
Sexual attraction to someone only if you have a specific emotional connection
Aromantic seek physical non-sexual touch while maintaining romantic attraction
Desire for Cuddling and deep emotional conversations, but never a desire to kiss

The existence of sexual acts do not define a relationship, as it’s perfectly possible to have a healthy romantic connection without them.

Cuddling Therapy

There is a market for people who seek intimacy with a stranger. There are also professionals out there who make a living by cuddling people.

A website called cuddlist.com advertises “therapeutic, non-sexual cuddle session(s) with a certified professional cuddler”. However, booking a cuddler for $80 an hour might not be as effective as cuddling with someone you love, platonic or not. Platonic intimacy is still grounded in a personal attachment, so to some professional cuddling does not hold the same kind of significance.

The fact that the cuddling website specifies that it is “non-sexual” is a crucial point. In a way, this kind of service almost becomes a type of platonic prostitution, in a sense. While it may not hold the same significance as cuddling with a friend or significant other, it does demonstrate an alternative for a solution to emotional and physical desire, specifically for those who don’t necessarily seek out sex.

Crushes

Could platonic intimacy lead to something more? Sure. In my experience, romantic crushes can easily develop without any sort of sexual connotation as a result of this kind of intimacy. I’ve always been the type to meet someone and become their friend before becoming romantically attracted to them, as the idea of dating someone for the purpose of getting into a relationship scares me. My desire for the person grows, wanting them close to me physically without even realizing that I’m developing a crush on them. It’s hard to explain how such a thing happens, and as an asexual person it can be hard to distinguish a crush from a desire to love in a platonic way.

Kissing Just to Kiss

In the case of more sexually driven people, however, it can be very common for platonic cuddling to turn into something more. Many people are able to jump from nonsexual intimacy to sex very quickly. I remember trying to explain to someone that I desired to make out with a guy I knew, to which that person replied that maybe I scared him off by wanting to sleep with him. I realized that the mindset that many sexual people have is that kissing leads directly to sex, and in many cases it’s true, but the idea of not going beyond first base is much more desireable to others.

So is it possible to cuddle with a friend or loved one and not have it turn to sex? Absolutely. It honestly depends on the level of the person’s sex drive, and how they identify themselves. For many people including myself, it’s the primary way of demonstrating affection, and can lead to a very special strong emotional bond.

The act of kissing or cuddling with a close friend can be more than enough for some.

Sometimes, it can be challenging to confess your love to someone or tell them that you like them.

For me, it is always hard to tell people that you like them, so you fear you will die alone because you want people to be able to read your nonverbal cues, but what if you your nonverbal cues were actions?

Maybe you won’t hold a boombox over your head outside of their window, and maybe you don’t have your own Cyrano de Bergerac (but you’re also a Cyrano de Bergerac who doesn’t have a Christian) so the one you love won’t accidentally fall in love with you.

So, how can you discreetly tell the one you love that you love them without being too obvious? Here are some options:

Try getting a movie pass.

Tell them you haven’t used movie pass since it went down to $10/month even though you’ve had it since it came down to $10. Say to them the only way you’re going to watch a movie is if someone holds you accountable.

This will work if they are a fan of movies and are also behind on watching movies. Say, you need to watch all the Oscar Nominated movies that are still in theaters. Hard to do if you’re in small town, but you could always check out the DVDS via Netflix.

Since, you’re allowed to watch one movie a day using Netflix you can spend 28-31 days with this person and actually get to know them. And if they’re not interested in Oscar movies, you can always just rewatch Black Panther in 2D.

Pay attention to their interests.

If they say they like a book, a movie, a TV show, a band I recommend you read, watch, and listen to what they’re interested in. If you like someone it can give the two of you something to talk about if you’re also interested in what they have to say and what they think.

After you read, watch, listen you can ask them questions, offer your opinions, suggest things they can read, watch and listen to. Reciprocate, my friend.

Make a few affectionate mix tapes.

Mix tapes are not just spotify playlists, but if your crush has a CD player, you can send them a mix tape (mix CD). Of course, if you “pay attention,” you’ll learn if they are the type of person who wants mix tapes. Or, at the very least, tolerate them. Some songs I recommend:

Baby, I’m Dyin’ by Lolawolf
Don’t You Wanna Stay by Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean
Check On It by Beyoncé (featuring Bun B and Slim Thug)
Sex With Me by Rihanna
Moments by Tove Lo
Whatever You Like by T.I.
I’ve Got This Friend by The Civil Wars
Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap
Yayo by Lana Del Rey
Starving by Hailee Steinfeld & Grey
Heaven Sent by Keyshia Cole

Mind you these may be not so discreet and quietly subversive, but should get the message across. But, please know who they are before you send them mix tapes

Make sure you know what’s happening on their blog.

So, your crush has a weekly blog where they talk about their life, or critique pop culture, or offer advice? Like their posts every week. Comment every week.

All bloggers love the attention that’s why the blog. It gives you great things to bring up in conversation. i.e. “I loved your blog last week about what Pluto being reclassified means to a generation and how it’s shaped your view of yourself and your ability to return to who you’ve always been, but bigger and better.”

This is almost like “pay attention” but is strictly about bloggers and blogging. Seriously, they write because they want you to engage in what they wrote, so engage.

Add them as your “plus one” to events.

Invite them as your plus one to every event you can invite a plus one. I have been invited to birthday parties, to shows, and game nights (none of which I have attended) but I was always allowed to bring a plus one.

If you keep showing up to these events with the same person soon enough people will ask you if you two are together. Of course, you’ll deny it, but the seeds are planted.

Honest to God, two of my friends who have been married for 8 years now got together because someone asked them if they were together. The thought “never” entered their mine, but once they thought about it, they asked if it was something they both wanted try and it worked out! It’s not just for rom coms!

This might seem like a lot to due by next week, but you’ve got some time and you can keep working at it after Valentine’s Day. You know that calendar you have? Start making a to do list. You don’t have a calendar? Go buy one and prepare!

Check out more interesting ideas for Valentine’s Day with your crush like: The Best Unconventional Date Movies For Your Valentine’s Day or start your relationship off right with these 10 Signs Of A Healthy Relationship According To Experts.

Tag: crushes

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