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Great sex may be one (or several) mocktails away.

The first time I had sex I was intoxicated. Same thing the second time. And the third. I wasn’t up for any kind of intimacy or real connection with myself or my partners.

Plus, it seemed that most people I knew were having checked out sex. I was high, drunk, or emotionally shut down during most sexual interactions until I was in my late 20s.

Then I started a spiritual practice which involved daily meditation.

This radically changed my relationship with myself. I found that as I practiced focusing on thoughts and emotional sensations without judgment, my reactions and behaviors began to change. The more I sat still with my body and my mind, the more I wanted to be present in all things, even my sex life.

I started down the path of sober and mindful sex.

When I began having sober sex my world was turned upside down and inside out. I could feel so much more sensation in my body, so much more pleasure! I had a much greater intimacy with my partners. It felt like we were there together, rather than each on our own pumping away.

I went from checked out and stuck in my mind to fully present and grounded in my body during sex.

As I healed my sexual wounds and deepened my meditation practice, my sex life bloomed in beautiful ways. But it wasn’t just my sex life that transformed, my whole life underwent a major emotional and spiritual renovation.

My friends and family noticed the change in me and started asking what I was doing. I began to teach and coach in a casual way, but soon my teachers asked me to start teaching formally.

I began by offering lessons on mindfulness and spiritual awakening, but not long after that I incorporated mindful sex coaching. Lucky me, I got to combine two of my favorite things, meditation and sex!

Sober is sexy

If you told me 10 years ago that I would be teaching other people to have mindful and conscious sex, I would have laughed out loud. But the transformation that occurred for me when I brought my mindfulness practice into sex was just too good not to share. Now one of my greatest passions is to help others do the same.

One of my top suggestions for people new to mindful sex is to put the drugs and booze down while nurturing this new way of connecting sexually. Having a few martinis or a joint might make you feel randy or help you to relax; but, ultimately, being intoxicated will limit your ability to be present with your partner.

Sex just isn’t as good when you are cut off from your body and your full mental capacity. You lose the opportunity to deeply and intimately connect with your partner. Even wild, kinky, or multi-orgasmic sex will lose its luster and become rote if it continues to be exclusively unconnected.

It’s also much easier to have unprotected sex, or hook up with someone you later wish you hadn’t while intoxicated. When I’m working with a client who is single and dating, I always suggest that they stay sober for first dates and when having sex for the first time.

Our culture is all about “going for drinks,” which, if the date is going well, can lead to drunken sex and possible regrets. It’s a radical act to date without getting tipsy.

Without the social lubrication of alcohol, you are available to be truly present with this other person. While this might be uncomfortable at first, it will also be more real.

There will be no drunken (or even buzzed) filter, so you’ll get a chance to find out who this person really is, and if you want to get to know them better.

I’m not saying that it’s necessary to have sober sex all the time. It’s totally possible to have amazing and connected sex without being sober. But if you are like I was, rarely sober during sex, it’s well worth trying it out.

Hello, sexual hangups

You may find that a lot of emotions and even old traumas resurface when you have sex without the aid of libations.

When I started having sober sex I also had to face the reasons why I needed to be intoxicated in the first place. There was a lot of shame, trauma and grief to work through, and it wasn’t always easy. It’s hard to sit with those old, painful feelings.

The good news is if you truly face your past pain without resistance and with lots of love, you can transform. Working through the traumas of my past allowed me to open myself up to life on a whole new level. As those old layers fell away, my sexuality blossomed like never before.

Whether you are working with trauma or not, it’s a good idea to have lots of support as you venture into sober sex. A meditation practice, trusted friends, and therapy were very helpful for me.

If drugs and alcohol are a problem for you in general, you might want to check out a 12-Step meeting or some other form of addiction recovery support.

It’s also great to have partners that are willing to try some sober sex with you. You can treat it like an adventure, albeit a sometimes hilarious and awkward adventure.

At the very least, try writing your feelings about sex down in a journal. It can be your sex diary! Try writing a few pages, stream of consciousness, every day.

Embrace the awkwardness

If you are feeling nervous about the prospect of sober dating and sex, don’t fear. You are a human and it’s totally normal to have some butterflies in your stomach before a date or a first sexual interaction. The truth is the nerves are part of the fun! If you let go of the fearful thoughts and instead feel into the sensations in your body, those butterflies might start to feel good.

Sometimes anxiety is just excitement with a different name. Numbing out with alcohol or drugs keeps you from feeling all the subtle information your body is giving you. Our bodies have so much capacity for pleasure if we only drop in and feel it.

The best sex of your life

Embodied sex is good sex. The more you get to know your body, the more it will offer you. As you become more mindful of your body and more grounded in the present moment, you will begin to awaken sexually. Once you find out how great mindful sex can be, you’ll wonder how you ever did it any other way.

Sober doesn’t necessarily equal mindful, but it is a first step toward priming yourself for the best sex of your life. As you become more comfortable being fully present during sex you can start bringing good old mindfulness into the equation. Then you will start to experience the utter mind-blowing joy of sex.

The cool thing about sex, and life in general, is that the possibilities are endless. Having sober sex, even some of the time, opens you up to a whole new world of pleasure and intimacy.

I offer you the challenge of having sober sex for the next month. If you are dating, try sober dating for the next month too. Give yourself the chance to have a new experience. You just might like it.

Inspired? Here’s an article to learn more about improving your sex life with meditation.

Not everyone is cut out for a friends with benefits relationship, and here’s why…

Having a ‘Friends With Benefits’ relationship sounds great from the start but having sex without any strings attached is never as easy as it sounds, at least not for me.

The first time I tried to have a FWB relationship I was young. I was also very naive. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted or how to stand up for myself. All I did know was that I really, really liked the dude and he didn’t reciprocate those feelings but I thought, ‘hey, he liked me enough to hook up with me and if I hook up with him then at least I’d get to spend time with him. Which is the worst possible mindset to have.

For years (yes, years) I hooked up with him, hoping that someday it would turn into more. I wished that one day he’d realize he needed me in his life in other ways. But, no surprise there, that never happened, even after all those years. I held onto false hopes of words I dissected that he let slip out while we were in bed.

It never turned into more. I was disappointed for years but I kept doing it because I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away. I wanted to stay because for the hour or so we’d spend together it would seem worth it at the time.

After all I put myself through with him, I still didn’t learn.

I thought I could be the girl who could just sleep with men and not get attached. I convinced myself that I didn’t need a relationship or another heartbreak. So I tried again.

I pretended to be the ‘cool girl’ that doesn’t actually exist. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that I didn’t care that I wouldn’t go over to Tom’s until at 11 P.M. and leave early in the morning because when the sun came up we didn’t have anything to talk about. I liked to pretend it didn’t hurt.

I told myself I didn’t care that Josh only called when he was drunk and didn’t want to go home alone. I told myself that I was fine, that I could just sleep with these dudes and that nothing would hurt me because I didn’t want to be the “crazy” girl who needed commitment and want someone to actually stick around in the morning.

But I was. I’ve always been that girl and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to be a FWB person, because most people aren’t cut out for it, myself included and that’s okay.

I learned that you should never – under any circumstances – start a FWB relationship with someone you have feelings for, even if they’re just ‘crush-status’ feelings. They’re still feelings and the more time you spend with this person, especially in bed, will cause those feelings to grow immensely and that will only lead to you getting hurt.

Something I convinced myself of a lot was that if the guy spent more time with me that maybe I could convince him to like me and want more, but the thing is you can’t convince people to like you and you shouldn’t have to.

Sex won’t make someone stay or love you.

Another thing I learned about FWB is that sex won’t make him stay. He will come, have sex with you and he will still leave because he got what he came for. And having him stay the night with you will only make you feel a deeper connection to him. That will get you overthinking and ultimately cause more damage when things blow up because they will blow up if you’re not on the same page.

Communication is the most important thing.

You have to make sure you’re both on the same page from the start and have open communication. Sometimes it’s hard — usually it’s hard, but it’s so important. Without communication nothing works and someone is bound to get hurt.

In my experiences, I’ve always been afraid to bring up what is going on because I didn’t want to scare away the guy. I’ve always felt like guys are terrified of hearing the words, “can we talk about what’s going on here?” And that if I say those words it’s immediately over, but if you’re just sleeping together it’s important to be on the same page. It’s even important to be on the same page when you’re dating, in a relationship, and married. You have to have that open line of communication, because when you don’t things become messy.

Avoid starting a friends with benefits arrangement with someone you’re close to.

You also shouldn’t start a FWB relationship with someone who is important to you or is a big part of your life, like your roommates best friend or someone in your friend circle. If things go south it will become extremely awkward and in a way it will feel like a break up, even though you were never dating. It’s important to be mindful of who you start this relationship with.

If FWB is something you truly want, you have to keep it as focused on hooking up as possible and try to avoid keeping it personal because it’s too easy to become attached or fall for someone when you’re sleeping together and start becoming involved in their personal life. Like I said, FWB relationships aren’t for everyone, they aren’t for most people, honestly and that’s okay.

It’s important to know who you are and what you can actually handle. FWB can be fun, but you have to make sure you’re on the same page, that’s the most important part of the relationship. If you start to develop feelings you have to know it’s time to walk away before you get really attached and hurt. You can’t hold onto the hope you’ve created in your mind that things will work out and he will fall for you. When guys tell you they don’t want a relationship, they mean it and you have to listen.

FWB relationships aren’t for everyone but if you go into them with respect for each other and clear communication then they are doable.

For more ways to please women, check out 16 Women On The One Thing They Appreciate Most From A Man In Bed.

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Want the Best Sex of Your Life? Start by Being Sober.