Improvements

But you know what? Shit just kind of started to straighten itself out. Now that I was waking up without hangovers and more energized, I could do so many things on the fly. In addition to my other five occupations, I’m also a fitness trainer (only in New York), and before I quit drinking I’d show up to workout sessions hungover on MOST days. Nothing makes you feel like a bigger fraud when you’re being paid to better the lifestyle of someone else while your own life is in shambles. Try it sometime! Then tell me about it! (Kidding. My schadenfreude is flaring up.)

The biggest improvements, however, have been around my heart. When I drank, I felt a desperate desire to be codependent. I wanted to fall in love and put all my attention on someone else so I didn’t have to think about myself. I wanted to rush into the good part of a Relationship, and do all the things people in relationships do—get drunk at brunch, get drunk on vacation, get drunk and walk around the park, get drunk and walk around a museum, get kicked out of said museum, together! Most of all, I wanted someone else because I sought validation through sex. When you cut out one addiction, you start to see where addiction applies to other aspects of your life.

Meaningful Connections

Nowadays, when I find myself in a new romantic situation, all the questions I ask myself are about my needs, not his. My time and energy has real value to me now, and if I find that there’s a disproportionate amount of effort being put in by me and the other person, I take note and I move on. After all, I’m working on myself, I don’t need to take on the burden of someone else’s issues right now.  I don’t feel the burning need to adhere myself to another person as I did when I drank. For that reason I’m only really investing any time into people with which I have a meaningful connection. And if it ends up not working out… oh well! If my heart feels tender I spend some of the money I’ve saved on booze on a back massage instead. And these days, I’m surprised at how little I dwell on past love. Wallowing in the past used to be my favorite hobby!

Being able to recognize how that addictive part of my life functions has given me more confidence and validation than any man could… but the journey still continues. I’m not totally there yet. But I can see clearly now (I bet you ten dollars you think about that Jimmy Cliff song for the rest of the day now! HA!).