“I measure every request for sexual activity by its ‘clinical value.’ One of my clients came to the therapy session and asked the therapist if she could bring me to a nightclub. And the therapist asked her why. She was a 37-year-old virgin, by the way. She said, ‘I love music, I love dancing, I’m dancing in my living room. I want to go out and start dating. And I know at some point that I would like to go to a dance club with a guy I will be dating, but at my age, it’s pretty embarrassing to be a virgin in this context. I don’t know how to act, how to get into the club, how to order drinks. I don’t want to go on a date with someone to the club without having any prior experience.’ I found that to be a ‘clinical need.’ There’s a difference between a sexual need and a clinical need.
“I always give options to my clients, I ask what they want to learn, and based on the options, they get to choose. Most of them don’t know what’s out there. That’s the job of the sex therapist and myself. We teach them what’s out there. I want to provide my clients with the skills and the capacity to not feel fear in the dating world. I want to help them gain confidence and feel empowered in the world of dating. But SPT isn’t a place to explore fetishes or kink. This is more advanced.
“Do I ever have trouble getting aroused? I get asked this question around 10,000 times. An erection is a manifestation of sexual energy—sexual arousal is formed by sexual energy. There are many levels and layers from which we can generate sexual energy with a partner, from humor to intelligence. That can all be translated into sexual arousal. Unfortunately, most people are focused on looks. What I found is that with every one of my clients, I focus on the things that could be translated into sexual energy and an erection when I needed it. Of course, a certain amount of emotions and feelings have to be activated for that to happen. And no, I never use medication to help with my erection.
“I’ve been very private about my work. I was very open with my family and my close friends from the very beginning, when I first started. But I don’t tend to share that information with just anybody. For the few first years of doing it, I felt it was too private, too personal for me to talk about it publicly. But I learned that by sharing, I can educate and help more people.
“That said, if I was talking to someone at a bar and got asked what I did for a living, I’d say I was a sexologist.
“But let me be clear: I’m not there to get sexually satisfied. By the time I was 24, I got bored with just having sex and ejaculating. For women, they know that when they have sex, they might have an orgasm or they might not. For guys, it’s pretty much guaranteed. I got bored with that pretty early in life. I had different sexual experiences with different women, but I was looking for something greater. And I found it. The happiness and satisfaction of the woman is now more important to me. I have individuals I have intimate relationships with—multiple relationships—this is where I get my needs met when I’m not wearing my clinical hat. As a surrogate partner, you have to find satisfaction—emotional satisfaction, sexual satisfaction—outside of work, because you can’t project those needs onto the client. You can’t go to a session when your body is hungry for touch.”
Question: Possibility or Out of the Question?
Curated by Erbe