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DWTS Premiere: “LoveTV” Rates Each Couple’s Chemistry on the “Love Meter”

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE

BONNER AND SHARNA:

Okay, first things first. Bonner is a Champion Bull Rider. And he’s super hot. And often shirtless. And an innocent country boy. Which makes him even hotter. And shirtless. Did I mention he is shirtless, often? And also, his name is Bonner, which sounds a lot like boner, which he might be sporting. And if not, I’m pretty sure Judge Bruno Tonioli is, when watching him dance. Bonner said during rehearsal footage to cameras about his pro-partner Sharna: “I’m dancing with the prettiest lady in the house, so things could get hot!” And he was right. Things did get hot. Their chemistry definitely had sexual undertones, and they seem quite flirtatious with one another. Their moves were sexy and sultry, and there was lots of movement happening in the hip region for both of them. As for the judges, I really thought that Bruno and Carrie Ann were going to fight for who gets to jump his bones. They could both barely stay in their seats. Bruno told Sharna she is in for “the ride of your life!” Carrie Ann got so excited in her nether regions while giving her critique, she had to fan herself while saying: “Oh my god, I have to stop!” Backstage with Erin Andrews, things got even more sexual-innuendo-crazy, when Bonner ever-so innocently told Erin: “Sharna’s been drilling me hard!” Carrie Ann, Bruno, Bergeron, and Julianne all doubled over with laughter, and Len took a nap. Everyone had sex on the brain. Len had oatmeal.

Judges Scores: 6/5/5/6

Love Meter Score: Off the charts “SIZZLING HOT!!!” With potential for being a fire hazard !!!

CHARO AND KEO:

Clearly, Charo is going to be the best entertainment that this season has to offer. She is unintentionally hilarious, and it’s only week one. This chick is on another planet, and it’s wonderful. She is out of her mind. She met Keo by popping out of a box and screaming at him while holding maracas. She screams a lot. Loudly. Keo doesn’t quite know what to make of her, but he did call her a legend. Their Salsa was a bit like the hot grandma with amazing legs who somehow got loose from the nursing home, and showed up on the dance floor to shake her booty. While talking to Keo, and Bergeron, and Erin backstage, my only thought was: “What is this woman saying?” Couldn’t understand a word. Bruno said: “I think I saw your coochie-coochie.” When the low scores came out, Charo screamed after each one, loudly, directly into Tom Bergeron’s ear. His reaction was hysterical, and her partner Keo seemed to have an inner-monologue of: “Oh boy. I’m gonna have to handle this nutcase the whole season.” I hope she sticks around long enough to offer up more “cray-cray.” She yelled at the judges and said: “Porque? I’ve got my eyes on you!” I hope she is okay with my score. I don’t want her crazy maracas coming after me.

Judges Scores: 6/5/5/5

Love Meter Score: The couple received a solid: “THEY ARE ON TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLANETS!!!” And on whatever planet Charo is on, we can see her coochie-coochie.

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