5 Wedding Traditions That Need to Go

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5 Wedding Traditions That Need to Go

by MONROKin LOVE

The Bouquet Toss That Needs to Go

If you think that catching a bouquet means that you are going to get married in the near future, you are going to end up with a lot of dried flowers on your dresser. You have probably caught it on more than one occasion. You are practically a goalie at this point. This nonsensical tradition encourages the profile of women as desperate, helpless creatures waiting to be saved by a man. Getting married is not something that “happens to us,” anymore. It is something that we choose, and it isn’t for everyone. Some of us want someone to sit next to until one of us dies, and others want to spend their Friday nights with the entire bottle of wine, AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Sex on your Wedding Night That Needs to Go

No one does it. Ok, maybe some people do, but they shouldn’t have to. “Sex on your Wedding Night” is a thing because it used to be the first time you were having sex. Literally, it was the reason you got married at 18, because you were desperately horny. Statistically, since most women have had sex with at least 3 other guys before their husbands (and if you live in a major city, it’s probably 3 times that); this implied convention needs to go. After standing at the altar, then having the first dance, followed by dinner, followed by more dancing, followed by cutting the cake and endless “CONGRATULATIONS!!!!” from every Tom, Dick, and Harry you have interacted with in your life, who has the energy for sex? Dust that heart of rose petals off the bed and PASS OUT.

The Groom arrives on a Horse/Elephant That Needs to Go

What?! Ok, this only happens at Indian weddings, but it needs to go. Traditionally, in Indian villages the groom would roll up to the brides side of the family on a horse or elephant with his whole posse trailing behind to be like “aiight, this woman is mine now.” He would see her for the first time, marry her and then take her back to his village. Fine, makes sense. (and if you happen to be in a village in India and are reading this, this does not apply to you.) But blocking off half of Chicago’s streets at 9am to dance around a horse does not make sense. Especially since you’ve been living together for the past three years. This is not India, and you are not a Maharaja. You are a consultant at Accenture. Get real. There is nothing sadder than a status-conscious Indian man who is riding a horse from the petting zoo into a suburban Ramada Inn with the swagger of Braveheart.

This has been an honest RSVP by MONROK.

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