3. SEMICOLON.

Meaning: You’re trying too hard.

No one uses semicolons in day-to-day casual writing; it’s a literary piece of punctuation, not a colloquial one. So using a semicolon in a text shows you’ve thought out, revised, and overedited your message. That means you’re trying too hard, and there’s nothing worse than trying too hard. A semicolon in a text message is the equivalent of putting on makeup to go to the gym.

4. APOSTROPHE.

Meaning: You pay attention to the little things.

In text land, apostrophes have become endangered species. Youd is just as acceptable at you’d. Id is just as acceptable as I’d. Youre is just as acceptable as you’re. (Or, on the Internet, your.)

So when you actually take the time to use an apostrophe, it means something. I like to think it sends a subconscious message that you take the extra time to do things right. And that effort hints that you’d be a real hard-working giver in a relationship — or at least into one extremely memorable sexual escapade.

5. LEFT AND RIGHT BRACES.

Meaning: You’re approaching this too logically.

In my experience, no one uses the left and right braces unless they’re a math guy or computer programmer. Either way, they’re looking at the current romantic situation very, very logically. Warning: Computer programming joke ahead.

if (texts == playful) {
ask(“Do you want to grab a drink sometime?”)
}
else if (texts < hostile) { date_prospects[‘current’] = “questionable”; date_prospects[‘future’] = “still possible, wait and see”; } else { die(); }