The fact is that all humans have the capacity to “explore” bi-sexuality, if they want to. They’ve even come up with a term for it called “being bi-curious” which means you are exploring out of curiosity to understand what it feels like. The human mind is naturally curious, and inquisitive, and it’s natural for it to feel curious about aspects of sexuality, and sometimes the curiosity takes the form of a real-life exploration. Of course the degree of inclination towards exploring bi-sexuality varies from person to person, just like how sex-drive varies from person to person. In many cases, a person with a high sex-drive is also someone who has a tendency towards exploring bi-sexuality as means of adding “diversity”, or variety, in their sexual experience, or simply as a means to get a new high – of course, this is not true for everyone with a high sex drive, it’s just a general tendency. Even if you have a high degree of inclination towards bi-sexuality it still doesn’t make you gay because you are relating purely from the aspect of sex and you don’t feel emotional love, or desire for an emotional relationship, with your sex partner – just to give an example, some men who explore bi-sexuality often state that they get grossed about cuddling (or even french kissing) with another man and they are only interested in the act of “raw sex” without the romance.
As I mentioned before, all humans have the capacity to explore bi-sexuality if they decide to do so – this means that you can develop an interest towards exploring some aspects of bi-sexuality in the future, even if you don’t have it now. It depends on many things like your curiosity, external influences like your friends or media (for example, if bi-sexuality is made popular in the media, then you will notice people exploring it more from the “fascination” of it), your circumstances (for example, men end up having sex with other men in conditional situations like being in a prison), your sex-drive, your beliefs etc. So, in that sense, bi-sexuality is an expression that may or may not be explored, depending on various factors. However, being gay doesn’t give you that kind of a choice. It’s ridiculous when some schools of thought seem to imply that being gay is a choice and that the people who are gay are “sinning”, or that it’s not “right”, and that they should use their will-power to starting desiring the opposite-sex – such statements imply a deep ignorance about human make-ups. And you don’t have to be gay to understand the makeup of a gay person, inspite of being a straight guy I have an understanding of how the make up of a gay person works purely through the attitude of “open observation” – an aware individual can easily obtain deep understanding about different make-ups, and mindsets, purely through the capacity to observe without judgement.
In fact, the sexual orientation and relationship-orientation dynamics of “transsexuals” is far more varied. Most transsexuals are bi-sexual (desiring sex with men and women, as well as other transsexuals) but their relationship-orientation is varied, some prefer relationships purely with men, some feel an equal emotional attraction towards men and women, some are only attracted to other transsexuals, while some have no specific preference with respect to the sexes. One can imagine the challenges of being in a transsexual body where you have to navigate purely on your own self-understanding along with handling the constant pressure of being different from the majority. You can see how the aspect of sexuality, in a human body, can allow a soul to have the experience of growing in self-awareness and developing the courage to stand true to one’s individuality in the midst of pressure to conform.
To ridicule someone for their sexual orientation, or sexual preference, is rooted in a lack of awareness about human makeup, and also a lack of open-mindedness towards the fact that we are diverse in expressions. Life is all about diversity of expression and experience, it doesn’t follow a redundant path rather a path of varied expressions. To be cynical, fearful or intolerant towards diversity, and differences, in others, puts you in a “karmic relationship” towards that aspect, in that you will then need to go through a similar expression in order to balance your perspective (for example, a person who has a lot of hatred towards homosexuals may end up being born homosexual during another incarnation just to understand that aspect and also to experience what it feels like to be on the receiving side of the hatred/intolerance). An inner freedom is about having a deeper perspective towards all the various expressions of life-energy, in all its diversity, without developing a narrow judgment about it. Of course, some imbalanced expressions need to be controlled/curbed through external regulation in the name of wisdom (for ex, expressions that curb on the freedom of others, like rape) purely from a place of being objective.
One may question if pedophilia (desiring sex with a child) is a sexual orientation, or a preference, or if it’s just an imbalanced sexual expression. The way I see it, a child is someone who is yet to have a clear sexual awareness, who is yet to have the physical/mental ability to make “independent choices”, and hence, for an adult, to involve a child in a sexual act is purely an act of “force”, and thus is an act of exploitation. In a state of balance one does not partake in actions that exploit others, and hence pedophilia, from this perspective, is an imbalanced sexual expression – I don’t see it as a sexual orientation, it’s a preference that’s rooted in imbalance. Of course, it’s true that in the animal kingdom pedophilia is a common occurrence, especially among certain species like pigs, but that doesn’t make it a balanced act, in fact a lot of imbalances exist in the animal kingdom because of low-awareness functioning. A human-being functioning at the level of an animal (without the capacity for deeper emotional intelligence), purely driven by physical drives, is prone to imbalances, and his/her actions would need to be regulated through external force (like law and order), in the name of wisdom, for the sake of maintaining harmony and protecting the freedom of others.
Whatever be your sexual orientation, or sexual preference, you must understand the basic principle of balanced living which is that you can’t force your will upon someone – non-censual sex is an act of severe imbalance.
Sexuality combined with relationships
When I use the term “relationship”, in this context, I am referring to the one involving an emotional bonding (a heart connection). An ideal situation would be to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar (or close to similar) sexual nature as you do unless you are willing to “adjust” with the requirements of your partner as a conscious choice on your part. A lot of sexual frustration can ensue when you are in a relationship with a partner who does not share similarities with your sexual nature – for example, if you have a low sex drive and you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has a high sex drive it can easily lead to feelings of resentment, while also being interpreted as a lack of love or care. Sexual compatibility does play an important role in ensuring a harmonious “monogamous”, long-term, relationship.
Of course, not everything in life fits into the “ideal” bracket. It’s very possible that you feel an emotional bonding with your partner (and possibly even a sexual compatibility) but also desire to explore sexual expression with others. Under these conditions it can be a very difficult decision to make on whether to pursue your desire for polyamory (multiple sexual partners) at the cost of ruining the emotional bonding you have with your partner, or to let go of this desire as a conscious choice towards cherishing the value of the emotional bond that you’ve found. Balanced decisions always involve an understanding of the light and dark nature consequences of following through with them – remember that every reality is bound to have a light side and a dark side, there is no reality that’s exempt from it because this is the very nature of life. Of course, to make balanced decisions you need to have a sense of inner balance; from a mindset of imbalance you are more likely to choose temporary “joy” over long-term wisdom. To let go of a certain desire, in a bid to cherish a more important desire/priority, is not really a sacrifice/compromise it’s just a part of living from conscious balance. The fact of life is that you can’t have it all (that would be too light-natured), you will always have to function from understanding the limitations of a choice, and every choice comes with its own set of limitations.
Also, in a state of balance you will naturally always stand true to your sense of integrity and responsibility – this sense of operating from values is an essential nature of anyone who’s operating from a place of inner balance. From the place of integrity you will not choose to do something in the “hiding” where the hidden information can have an impact on the decision/preference of the person involved. For example, let’s say you are a married guy, and you make the choice towards being polyamorous, now, from a place of integrity, it would be important that you convey this choice to your spouse, simply because your choice is bound to affect her decision on whether she wants to continue staying with you or not – it’s possible that she may be okay with you exploring your choice, or she may ask you to make a choice between being with her or pursuing polyamory, or she may leave you shocked at the very idea that you contemplated such an option, whatever be the outcome the deal is that you are not “cheating” on her by keeping your choice hidden. Of course, you don’t have to declare your choice to all your friends and family, since your choice does not directly impact them, but it does impact your spouse’s decision to be with you, so in the interest of integrity it’s important to convey it to her.
One can argue – “what if my partner has a low-awareness level and hence is incapable of understanding my choices, does it not make sense to pursue my choices in the hiding to ensure he/she does not get hurt or does not leave me because of his/her narrow thinking?”. It’s a question of perspective, and I can only provide my perspective on this, and the way I see it is that, if maintaining a sense of integrity is important to you then there is no getting around the fact that you need to disclose your choices if it’s bound to affect the preferences/decisions of the other person involved. To do something in the hiding, from this person, is what “cheating” is, and cheating can never be an act of integrity irrespective of what your justifications are for it. Of course, I am talking about the things that you do while being in the relationship, the things that you did before the relationship are not really accountable, and you need to use your wisdom on whether you want to disclose all aspects of your past or not – what you were in the past may not be the person you are now, and hence the past doesn’t have as much value/relevance as what you are doing in the present. The deal of reality is that a relationship that lacks integrity eventually loses its spark, its connection and bonding, you can call it the “karmic influence” or simply a subconscious sabotaging.
There is also a question of “responsibility” and, in truth, it falls along the line of integrity. Some decisions are just evidently irresponsible under a given situation. One needs to have a balance between being selfish and being self-less, in other words, one needs to have a personal commitment while also being balanced in a commitment towards the outside well-being. A balance between being selfish and self-less is a part of inner balance/wholeness, and is an essential pre-requisite for being responsible without being victimized. You are not here purely for the purpose of “enjoyment”, you are also here for developing values, for growth and for finding balance. Enjoyment is an aspect of light-nature which needs to be balanced with aspects like staying true to integrity and responsibility which can be labeled as the dark nature (like a spoiler for the drive towards indulgence). We all have a sense of what’s the “responsible” thing to do, more so in the state of growing awareness, and in some cases what’s responsible may not be what’s “enjoyable” in that moment, and one needs to develop the balance to incorporate this aspect of living in oneself. A simple thumb rule would be that if your action is creating “undue” suffering for someone then it’s very possible that it’s lacking the essence of responsible behavior.
A lot of these “positive thinking” or “get what you want” (using law of attraction et al) type of teachings seem to focus too much on the selfish aspect and very little on the other-side of balanced perspective (requiring a self-less aspect) thus giving a skewed picture on living purely for the sake of enjoyment at all costs, thus creating an imbalance towards light-nature which is bound to create consequences imbalanced in dark nature. There is a difference between “wholeness” and living purely for “bliss/joy” – wholeness is a balance between the light and dark, whereas the term “bliss” implies an imbalance towards light nature. In terms of sexuality you can pursue any preferences that you may have in terms of monogamy, polygamy or open relationships, provided that you also integrate the essence of integrity, and responsibility, while working on a conscious choice based on understanding the light and dark consequences of your actions.
Understanding the deal of masturbation or self-pleasure
There is a lot of stigma attached around masturbation owing to some fear-based, or narrow, teachings propounded from a place of feeling guilty about pleasure. The fact is that in the state of imbalance one is bound to have an inner conflict between light and dark nature aspects in oneself – the dark nature, in you, seems to be in conflict with the expressions of light nature and vice versa. This is the reason for feeling guilty about pleasure. Of course, guilt can also be an indication of feeling circumspect about an imbalanced behavior that you may be indulging in – so, one has to see the guilt in its right context. Guilt does not always mean that you are doing something wrong/imbalanced, it could also stem from some narrow beliefs that you may be holding. The most common reasons why people feel guilty about masturbation are
- Holding onto to some narrow beliefs expounded by conservative religious teachers
- A natural sense of conflict between the dark nature in oneself towards the light nature of indulging in pleasure (feeling bad about enjoying the pleasure)
Though over-indulgence is a problem, masturbation by itself is simply one of the means of enjoyment and entertainment available to you as a human being. In fact, people who have a healthy mindset towards masturbation are also the ones who have a better experience of sex, where they are aware of their pleasure points and don’t hold hang ups about their sexual nature. Also, from an objective point of view, it makes sense to relieve your sexual tension through masturbation than to indulge in an irresponsible sexual encounter driven by the over-dose of suppressed sexual energy. Also, this whole sense of guilt around masturbating, while being in a relationship, stems from a “black and white” thinking that masturbation plays “second-fiddle” to sex with your partner – in truth, the experience that you have while masturbating is very different from the experience of having sex, and each has it’s own value towards your sense of enjoyment and entertainment.