Fun, Intense and Intimate Sex

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. How can we make sex more intense?

But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to Now, onto today’s topic: how to make sex more fun, intense, and intimate.

Q: My partner and I have been together for years. Sex is important to both of us, and we want to keep growing together in our relationship. We’re lucky that sex is pretty great between us, but we want it to be even better. We want to feel like we’re learning more about each other and deepening our connection. How can we make sex more intense?

A: Thanks for your question! It’s awesome that the two of you place such a high value on sex, and are continually looking for new ways to connect. Trust me, that is going to go such a long way in your relationship! Here are my tips for making sex as intimate, intense, and fun as possible.

1. Define What Intimacy Means To You

First things first: what exactly do you mean by intimacy? What about intensity? These are powerful words that means different things to different couples. The first thing the two of you should do is talk about what intimacy means to your relationship. What does intense sex feel like, both in the moment and afterwards? What’s the kind of emotional connection you’re aiming for? What was the best sex you guys ever had like? You can’t work towards a goal until you know what your goal is!

2. Set Yourselves Up For Success

if you want to have intense sex, you have to have the right atmosphere for connection. It’s hard to bond with each other if your cell phones keep buzzing or if your pooch is pawing at your bedroom door. You guys may already do a good job at creating the space for intimacy, but it’s an important tip to remember.

You can do things in the moment, like turning off all electronics, or setting the mood with soft music and candles. You can also make bigger-picture changes like creating a weekly date night or planning weekend getaways.

3. Talk During Sex

Talking to your partner while you’re having sex is a great way to turn up the heat. Tell your partner what you want them to do to you. Tease your partner, and make them beg you to give them what they want. Describe to your partner exactly how their touches and kisses are making you feel. Even simple words of affection can make the two of you feel closer.

Want the Best Sex of Your Life? Start by Being Sober.

Great sex may be one (or several) mocktails away.

The first time I had sex I was intoxicated. Same thing the second time. And the third. I wasn’t up for any kind of intimacy or real connection with myself or my partners.

Plus, it seemed that most people I knew were having checked out sex. I was high, drunk, or emotionally shut down during most sexual interactions until I was in my late 20s.

Then I started a spiritual practice which involved daily meditation.

This radically changed my relationship with myself. I found that as I practiced focusing on thoughts and emotional sensations without judgment, my reactions and behaviors began to change. The more I sat still with my body and my mind, the more I wanted to be present in all things, even my sex life.

I started down the path of sober and mindful sex.

When I began having sober sex my world was turned upside down and inside out. I could feel so much more sensation in my body, so much more pleasure! I had a much greater intimacy with my partners. It felt like we were there together, rather than each on our own pumping away.

I went from checked out and stuck in my mind to fully present and grounded in my body during sex.

As I healed my sexual wounds and deepened my meditation practice, my sex life bloomed in beautiful ways. But it wasn’t just my sex life that transformed, my whole life underwent a major emotional and spiritual renovation.

My friends and family noticed the change in me and started asking what I was doing. I began to teach and coach in a casual way, but soon my teachers asked me to start teaching formally.

I began by offering lessons on mindfulness and spiritual awakening, but not long after that I incorporated mindful sex coaching. Lucky me, I got to combine two of my favorite things, meditation and sex!

Sober is sexy

If you told me 10 years ago that I would be teaching other people to have mindful and conscious sex, I would have laughed out loud. But the transformation that occurred for me when I brought my mindfulness practice into sex was just too good not to share. Now one of my greatest passions is to help others do the same.

One of my top suggestions for people new to mindful sex is to put the drugs and booze down while nurturing this new way of connecting sexually. Having a few martinis or a joint might make you feel randy or help you to relax; but, ultimately, being intoxicated will limit your ability to be present with your partner.

Sex just isn’t as good when you are cut off from your body and your full mental capacity. You lose the opportunity to deeply and intimately connect with your partner. Even wild, kinky, or multi-orgasmic sex will lose its luster and become rote if it continues to be exclusively unconnected.

It’s also much easier to have unprotected sex, or hook up with someone you later wish you hadn’t while intoxicated. When I’m working with a client who is single and dating, I always suggest that they stay sober for first dates and when having sex for the first time.

Our culture is all about “going for drinks,” which, if the date is going well, can lead to drunken sex and possible regrets. It’s a radical act to date without getting tipsy.

Without the social lubrication of alcohol, you are available to be truly present with this other person. While this might be uncomfortable at first, it will also be more real.

There will be no drunken (or even buzzed) filter, so you’ll get a chance to find out who this person really is, and if you want to get to know them better.

I’m not saying that it’s necessary to have sober sex all the time. It’s totally possible to have amazing and connected sex without being sober. But if you are like I was, rarely sober during sex, it’s well worth trying it out.

Hello, sexual hangups

You may find that a lot of emotions and even old traumas resurface when you have sex without the aid of libations.

When I started having sober sex I also had to face the reasons why I needed to be intoxicated in the first place. There was a lot of shame, trauma and grief to work through, and it wasn’t always easy. It’s hard to sit with those old, painful feelings.

The good news is if you truly face your past pain without resistance and with lots of love, you can transform. Working through the traumas of my past allowed me to open myself up to life on a whole new level. As those old layers fell away, my sexuality blossomed like never before.

Whether you are working with trauma or not, it’s a good idea to have lots of support as you venture into sober sex. A meditation practice, trusted friends, and therapy were very helpful for me.

If drugs and alcohol are a problem for you in general, you might want to check out a 12-Step meeting or some other form of addiction recovery support.

It’s also great to have partners that are willing to try some sober sex with you. You can treat it like an adventure, albeit a sometimes hilarious and awkward adventure.

At the very least, try writing your feelings about sex down in a journal. It can be your sex diary! Try writing a few pages, stream of consciousness, every day.

Embrace the awkwardness

If you are feeling nervous about the prospect of sober dating and sex, don’t fear. You are a human and it’s totally normal to have some butterflies in your stomach before a date or a first sexual interaction. The truth is the nerves are part of the fun! If you let go of the fearful thoughts and instead feel into the sensations in your body, those butterflies might start to feel good.

Sometimes anxiety is just excitement with a different name. Numbing out with alcohol or drugs keeps you from feeling all the subtle information your body is giving you. Our bodies have so much capacity for pleasure if we only drop in and feel it.

The best sex of your life

Embodied sex is good sex. The more you get to know your body, the more it will offer you. As you become more mindful of your body and more grounded in the present moment, you will begin to awaken sexually. Once you find out how great mindful sex can be, you’ll wonder how you ever did it any other way.

Sober doesn’t necessarily equal mindful, but it is a first step toward priming yourself for the best sex of your life. As you become more comfortable being fully present during sex you can start bringing good old mindfulness into the equation. Then you will start to experience the utter mind-blowing joy of sex.

The cool thing about sex, and life in general, is that the possibilities are endless. Having sober sex, even some of the time, opens you up to a whole new world of pleasure and intimacy.

I offer you the challenge of having sober sex for the next month. If you are dating, try sober dating for the next month too. Give yourself the chance to have a new experience. You just might like it.

Inspired? Here’s an article to learn more about improving your sex life with meditation.

This Cartoon Can Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex. Tonight.

Here’s how to help your lover (or yourself) discover those spots. Trust us, you’re going to want to share this.

It should come as no surprise that it was a man, an Italian one no less, who claimed to discover the clitoris in the 1550s. Hundreds of years later, we’re still learning that the Little Man in the Boat is really just the tip of a white-hot iceberg.

Whether you’re on solo expedition or with a partner, why not make it a no-pants party? By simply exploring the capabilities of the whole clit, you could find that the best sex of your life is right at your fingertips, if you’ll pardon the pun. So, let’s roll up our sleeves (literally) and get to know our nubs, for to know them is to love them.

Know your history

Start with this quirky and charming cartoon by French animator Lori Malépart-Traversy as an icebreaker. Her award-winning three-minute short guides us through various men’s claims that they were the Chris Columbus of the clit. After viewing you might be a little closer to discovering the multifaceted areas of stimulation found on the clit or at least a little intimated.

Le clitoris – Animated Documentary Trailer (2016) from Lori Malépart-Traversy on Vimeo.

Now, let’s see what’s happening below the belt.

Know your body

Surely we’ve all met Captain Rosebud, the pink helmeted sentry above our vaginas. Often referred to as the female penis, blood rushes to the Commander in Queef when we’re turned on, yielding little lady boners.

While we are grateful for his years of service, turns out the Cap has minions fanned out in a wishbone-shaped formation (the legs) on either side of the vagina itching for active duty. The clit extends two to three inches down either side of your vagina and is populated with your own personal foot soldiers.

These overlooked “G men,” if not put to use, can atrophy just like a muscle.

Anxious lovers might rush to poke and press on your main chicklet like a stalled elevator button and often when we masturbate, we stick to the mountaintop and ignore the valleys.

A woman’s orgasm, however, is not just one and done. Stimulating the top dog (glans clitoris) with its 8,000 points of pleasure will, naturally, cause you to come faster, but a slow grind incorporating the entire clitoris (corpus cavernosum) can produce mind-blowing multiples, but also the elusive, deeper vaginal orgasm.

It can also be the gatekeeper of the G-spot, which we believe is a bundle of nerves located inside your vagina along the vaginal ceiling more towards your stomach than back. Whether or not it is an extension of the clitoris is a long-debated topic.

When you’re super juiced or even a few minutes after a session with the pocket rocket, explore your inner labia and apply pressure with your fingers or the entire palm of your hand. You may feel something akin to a pulse. That’s your clitoris at work! Now, take it one step further: Insert two fingers inside your sugar walls. Feel that little pebbly patch? That’s your G spot!

Psst! Want to learn more about your G-spot? Love TV’s got you. Become a member and learn more about how to hit the spot, so to speak.

Find your orgasm

All right, we made contact with the G-spot. Now, take it out for a spin. At this point, bringing yourself to climax shouldn’t require that much spelunking. Stick around for the fireworks and let yourself feel your own orgasm. You might find that your vaginal walls are actually pulsating and tingling. Mazel Tov!

Now, let’s mix it up, take it behind closed doors and explore sex positions with your partner targeting that area.

We’ve found that Doggie Style, the Valedictorian and the Pinball Wizard, positions where your partner’s pelvis knocks against your clit in more of a circular or up and down grinding motion, can produce neighbor waking/angel singing results. Toss in some cunnilingus and consider your world (and your partner’s) officially rocked.

Make tonight’s sex the best sex ever with 7 more intoxicating sex positions.