Anne B.

Anne Boleyn, whom he met while having intercourse with Anne’s sister, Mary. There is evidence of their affair in love letters where Henry compares Anne’s breasts to “pretty duckies”. (I’m never going to look at ducks the same way). This first marriage is like a real life Game of Thrones but without dragons, and instead of handsome Jon Snow you have an obese flatulent King. And we’ve still got five more to go.

Henry somehow persuaded the church to annul the marriage after 21 years on grounds that she was previously married to his brother. This process took so long that he also divorced himself from the Roman Catholic Church and created a new one; Church Of England. The balls on this guy is actually amazing.

His marriage to Anne was validated even though they wed while he was still married. That only lasted a couple of years, because Anne just couldn’t bothered to make Henry a son…. She made him a daughter, sure, but what’s the point of a girl in medieval times. Am i right? (I’m not. I’m not right. The King is a monster!) He grew tired of her and with added rumors of her indulging in incest and witchcraft, he had her beheaded. A simple divorce may have sufficed, but so far, Henry was not a divorcee and he wasn’t about to start now. Murderer, fine, but Ross from Friends? No!

Jane

About 10 days after Anne’s execution, he married Jane Seymour. If you think about it, 10 days is a long time to get over the killing of someone you claimed to love. And how did he meet Jane? Oh, just the standard; he woke up one day and the first women he saw was the one. And as she served Catherine of Aragon and was Anne’s lady-in-waiting, he was bound to bump into her. Imagine the mess he would’ve made if the King had Tinder?

But third time’s the charm, for it was reported he regarded Jane as his most beloved wife. Maybe because there wasn’t enough time to hate her. They were married 1 year, 4 months, 24 days before she died. Henry’s life was like a Medieval version of The Bachelor and the winner was Jane Seymour who had the privilege of being buried next to him when he died.

But not before he could sneak in three more marriages. That’s the thing, when you truly love someone and death rips them from you, you only have it in you to marry three more times.