4. Be Prepared to Offer Information
I totally botched one of my earliest disclosures because I had no idea how to answer my beau’s questions about how herpes “worked.” The virus was still a mystery to me, and when I couldn’t explain why condoms weren’t enough to fully prevent transmission, my potential friend-with-benefits suggested we stick to platonic friendship after all.
Most people know very little about sexually transmitted diseases, so it’s always a good idea to come to the conversation armed with knowledge. Offer to explain how your STD works, and have some statistics about how common it is in your back pocket. Don’t bombard your new boo with facts; too much information can be overwhelming and hard to process. But be ready to answer their questions and calmly admit when something is outside of your area of expertise. You don’t need to know everything, but you should know the essentials, like what forms of protection you can use.
5. …But Not Too Much Info
Don’t feel like you have to explain how you got your STD or from whom. Asking someone how they contracted an STD is like asking how many sexual partners they’ve had—it’s invasive and a little judgmental. It is one thing to volunteer that information, particularly if it’s a story you want to share. But you’re allowed to keep your past off-limits. When a date pries into that part of my story, I gently say, “That’s something I’d rather not talk about.” Your partner has the right to know information relevant to his or her safety—that’s why you’re telling them about your STD in the first place. Sharing anything more than that is entirely up to you.
6. Don’t Apologize
At no point should you say, “I’m so sorry, but I have something to tell you.” If you frame your STD as something you are ashamed of, it makes it a bigger deal to your partner than it necessarily has to be. Your partner will mirror however you feel about your STD. If you’re a confident, smiling charmer who graciously shares information, they’ll be more at ease and in a better frame of mind to process what you’ve said. If you’re visibly stressing out, they will be on-edge, too. I like to deliver my herpes announcement with a smirk and a joke about what a boost it’s been to my career (after all, I did write about it for this website).
Besides, as long as you do not wait until after you have had sex with someone to tell them that you have an STD, there is literally no reason for you to apologize. Having an STD is a part of your life, but it does not define you. You have not misled your partner by not sharing your status along with your name and phone number. It is also not an unfair burden to ask someone to date you despite your having an STD. Everyone brings challenges to a relationship, whether it’s difficult parents or a fear of commitment. You happen to have a virus living in your body. Chances are it’ll impact the relationship less than someone’s inability to text you back within a reasonable window of time.
7. Give Your Partner Time to Think
Some people need time to process whether or not they are comfortable getting involved with someone who has an STD. I once dated someone who disappeared after I told him over drinks that I had genital herpes. He resurfaced after a week to ask me out for dinner, and when I teased him about his vanishing act over artisanal grilled cheeses, he admitted that he’d wanted to do his research.
Having someone vanish while they make up their mind might be irritating and nerve-wracking, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some folks need space to noodle through what an STD would mean for their lives. People with compromised immune systems may need to speak to their doctors. If they’re a good person, they’ll pop back up eventually to move forward or let you down nicely.
That being said, occasionally you’ll stumble across someone who Googles transmission statistics while you’re in the bathroom and is good to go as soon as you get back to the restaurant table. That guy is a keeper.