Acting Constructively During Textual Panic

Even though I’m still a total nut about this stuff, I have become better at asking myself more constructive questions in these moments of textual panic (a benefit of making some big life changes and breaking bad habits). At some point I noticed (or rather, my therapist noticed) that I was putting a lot of attention on him—what’s he thinking, what can I do to hold his attention, does he like me enough, and so on. With some practiced mindfulness I’m getting a little better at turning that attention back inward, and asking myself how I feel about the situation, and whether or not that situation is ultimately serving me in a positive way. It’s so simple in theory but so hard to put into practice. However all it requires is just a little bit of awareness. It’s like a light clicking on—oh! I’m so miserable wallowing in this uncertainty about this person, I should change this! I don’t owe him excessive attention, and he actually doesn’t owe me either. So why am I so wrapped up in it? Sure, the attention is nice, but what about that attention serves me in ways that can’t be done by my good friends and loved ones? And moreover, by me?

The V word

So what I’m saying is that this text conundrum is not the problem, but a symptom of a bigger issue that I have, and maybe a lot of other women have, which is that big V word: Validation.

Over the course of my earlier adult life I have sought validation from men, and defined true validation as constant attention from potential love interests. My stigma towards single life ran deeper than I would have ever cared to admit. And as I’ve mentioned in a previous article, my need for codependence was maybe fueled by other unaddressed personal problems. If I had someone else to care for, who cared for me, maybe that would fix my low self-esteem (spoiler alert: it totally didn’t. If this sounds like you, you can just cut that storyline short right now, I guarantee it’ll end badly otherwise).

So what do I do when I find myself in this mental vortex, waiting for a text that may never come? I turn to the other important parts of my life. I am #blessed enough to have a lot of strong, beautiful, smart women in my life that I can call good friends, and I have a loving family. I remember that having access to these people, and moreover being of love and service to them in return, is what makes my life rich, not the dude who has bad text etiquette.

So if any of this resonates with you, do yourself a favor and throw your phone right in the garbage. Just throw it out. I’m kidding, don’t. But isn’t that such a satisfying fantasy?