Here is the break down of the couple’s chemistry or lack thereof and who gave us fever this week…
So, last week, we here at LOVE TV began a fun new new venture – rating the chemistry of each pair of dancers on the hit show: “Dancing With the Stars”, in our weekly “Love Meter Review.” Tom Bergeron, TV’s wittiest host, was kind enough to share our first piece on his Twitter page (a “retweet.”) The idea is simple: While the judges panel is busy giving their scores on and judging the dancing and technique, we use our own very special and scientific method (I made it up) to determine the chemistry or lack thereof, from week to week, of each couple. Now, as the stress gets higher in the competition, or as relationships grow and change between pairs, their chemistry can also change. We also have a cast filled with some pretty colorful personalities this season, so things could get interesting. Last week, since it was the premiere episode, nobody was eliminated. This week, the first elimination took place, which I will reveal at the end of the article who went home (I don’t think anyone is really surprised here by who it was.) So, let us begin!
NANCY AND ARTEM- *Code Red
They did a Latin dance, and as much as Artem tries to build up Kerrigan’s ego, it is fragile from her many days as an Olympian, listening to the harsh critiques of Russian judges screaming at her. Seriously, when Artem tried to simply compliment Nancy during rehearsal footage, she had a breakdown and ran away crying, saying: “He’s saying nice things to me! I cant handle this right now!” Seriously, what the hell do these Olympic coaches and judges do to these athletes psyche? Artem is trying, but Nancy seems fearful of the words “good job.” She practically runs out of the room screaming. Their dance was pleasant and sweet. Len said: “you lost a bit of control, like my bladder.” Carrie Ann said that Nancy found herself out there.
Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7
Love Meter Score: Well, I would give them a high number, but that might send Kerrigan screaming out of Hollywood and back to her safe space, so let’s go with “CODE RED TRAUMA ALERT” for this week.
ERIKA AND GLEB- *Glitter
They did the Foxtrot, and during rehearsals, things seemed a tad odd when he said to cameras: “I like her”, and she said back: “I don’t need you to like me. I need you to make me look good.” He did just that, and their dance was really nice, but I still feel a plastic-like quality to their relationship and bond. Something about it seems a bit superficial. Bruno said the dance was “a sex-trot!”, which I guess means that it was sexy. Len called it a “Beverly Hills Foxtrot”, which I guess means it was glamorous. I still think Gleb is a interesting name, but who cares, when you look like THAT!
Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7
Love Meter Score: “GLITTER.” Very shiny. Very pretty. Falls apart easily.
CHARO AND KEO-*Hurricane
This woman is a trip. She HAS to be in her late 70’s if not older. Can someone pleaase find out for me? I dont think its on record anywhere, her age. But those legs and those breasts and those hips, wow! And then she opens her mouth to speak, and it’s like: “what on earth is this woman saying?” Nobody knows. Even Bruno is confused, and he is the KING of nonsense sentences. They did the Paso Doble, and Charo said its a very personal dance for her, and speaks to her passion for Spain and tells the story of her life. When she and Keo speak, its as if they are on two different planets entirely. Also, she is out of control. She screams into the microphone, grabs it from Bergeron, and tries to flee the show, during the show!!! For real. Erin Andrews was interviewing her backstage, and she started running away to go back out onto the dance floor area. Keo had to literally hold her back and stop her. I almost feel like poor Keo has to babysit this crazy chick. I hope he is getting paid extra. Bruno said of Charo: “You are your own creation! You’re a tornado!” Charo replied: “You have a funny accent! Your english sucks!” Really. She said that. She is off her meds I think. Or she’s on Carrie Ann’s meds. Or Len’s. Either way, it’s not good.
Judges Scores: 6/6/7/6
Love Meter Score: I’m giving these two the score of “HURRICANE!” They are a force to be reckoned with, things are flying everywhere, nobody knows what the hell is going on, and when they talk to each other, it just sounds like gusty wind and chaos.
NICK AND PETA-*Old Couch
They also did the Foxtrot. Their relationship seems to be growing week by week. Not in a romantic way, but a nice friendship where they are comfortable together and like to tease each other and joke around. They are playful, fun, organic. Their dance was the same. Carrie Ann told Nick: “You have to breathe when you move.” So, yes, that’s helpful advice. Make sure that you inhale and exhale. Len got very grumpy after this dance, and continued that way until the end of the show. Someone must have messed around with his oat bran, or maybe he was upset because someone taped over his episode of “Murder She Wrote” on the DVR at the home. In any case, he wasn’t in a good mood, and yelled at them for being “hectic, no control, madness!” Again, like his bladder. Julianne loved their partnership.
Judges Scores: 7/5/7/6 (the 5 came from Grumpypants Len)
Love Meter Score: I’m giving their chemistry a score of “OLD COUCH.” Comfortable, a bit predictable, soft, easygoing, and you have a feeling there might be an old sock hiding inside of Nick’s Brillo Pad hair-poof.
HEATHER AND MAKS-*Blind Date
Well, this week, it will be a bit tough to judge the chemistry of Heather and Maks, since Maks injured himself indefinitely and was unable to dance. He landed wrong on his ankle during rehearsals, and it didn’t sound or look good. So, in came the substitute pro-dancer, Alan, who learned their Jive routine in a matter of hours. I thought they looked great out there, but once again, Len “Get off my lawn, you crazy kids!” Goodman, found a reason to get upset. “It was a waste! I don’t want to see hip-hop! I want to see Jive! Come out here and do a Jive!”
Judges Scores: 8/6/8/8 (guess who the 6 came from?)
Love Meter Score: I’m going to give Heather and her brand new, temporary partner, a love meter score of: “BLIND DATE!”, because that is what this was. I would say it was a successful blind date though. Not sure if there will be a second date or not, but their bond showed promise.
BONNER AND SHARNA- *Feelin Hot
These two hotties are still trying to fan the flames of all the rumors being spread from last week’s premiere, that they are dating, they are an item, etc. The chemistry between them is definitely there, and spreading like wildfire, even as they deny that anything is going on. Again in rehearsal footage, Bonner commented to cameras about Sharna’s beauty. “A pretty dance, with a pretty lady.” They were also holding hands during rehearsal footage. Not to sound like I’m in high-school or anything, but these two are SOOOO into each other! Julianne saw it. She said: “I feel like I was watching something unfolding.” Bruno told Bonner not to “go woody.” I don’t even want to know what that means. Len was STILL angry and yelling, and this time, the audience booed him. Tom Bergeron hilariously replied to Len’s grumpy comments: “Well, someone needs a sandwich.”
Judges Scores: 8/6/8/7
Love Meter Score: These two are getting a chemistry score of “FEELIN’ HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!”
SIMONE AND SASHA- *Donnie and Marie
THey did the Cha-cha, and it was pretty hot. Fire in the background. Very passionate. On the dance floor, they were able to get across the sexy hot theme for their dance. But their chemistry is more sibling-like, and I get the feeling that Sasha is very protective of Simone, and it’s kind of sweet. He can also be a bit tough on her, and expects a lot of her. Bruno said: “You set off all the fire alarms!” She felt a bit weird trying to be sexy, but she pulled it off well.
Judges Scores: 7/7/7/8
Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a chemistry ranking of “DONNIE AND MARIE OSMOND.” Syrupy-sweet siblings with lots of spunk and talent.
CHRIS AND WITNEY- *Mommy is Proud
Well, since he was SO awful last week, of course this week, they make us all feel badly about saying that he was so awful, by sharing his tragic story of how he is basically dancing with an almost broken spine and back. This happened years ago, and apparently, its a miracle he is even able to move, and was told he couldn’t do his physical comedy anymore that he was so known for. Even Witney was crying while looking at his sad x-ray pictures of his spine. So, NOW you tell us!!! Anyway, he still seems defensive to me. Not sure what to make of their dance. It was once again all over the place, and I had no idea what was happening. There was a beret involved, lots of extra background dancers, quite confusing. Julianne called it “focused.” Bruno had the comment of the night when he called the pair: “Marilyn Monroe and Cecille B. Demented!” When they received their scores, Witney was talking to him backstage like he was a puppy. “See that? Good boy! Look! You got a 6! Good boy!”
Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5
Love Meter Score: Their chemistry this week was like that of an overworked, guilty mom with her 11 year old, very sensitive son. “Mommy’s gonna dance with you this week, okay? How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Yes? Good boy!!!!” I give them a score of: “MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!”
NORMANI AND VAL – *Strangers In The Night
They did the Cha-cha. There is an ease between them as partners, but she seems separated from him somehow, like she is somewhere else. Well, technically, she was. Traveling and on tour with her band, but he came with her so they could rehearse during the week. Somehow, they learned the dance and it came across very well. Bruno asked: “What do they serve on that airline? You have such energy! I want to fly with you!” After the show, she was getting on another plane to China. Yikes.
Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8
Love Meter Score: Due to the fact that they barely saw each other this week because of her crazy schedule, I’m giving them a solid score of: “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT – EXCHANGING GLANCES.”
RASHAD AND EMMA – *Fever
How did I not notice this dude’s hotness last week? Or did I, and I’m just noticing it all over again and forgetting that I already did notice it last week? Either way, he is hot. They did the Vienesse Waltz, and it was quite sensual and sexy. Bruno called it “50 Shades of Waltz.” Carrie Ann certainly noticed Rashad’s hotness, with her comment about his: “raw, pedestrian masculinity.” Wow. Down, girl!!! Julianne noted that the way in which he holds Emma, is the way that all women wish to be held. All I know is that I wish to be held – by HIM!!!
Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8
Love Meter Score: This week, they’re getting a chemistry reading of: “YOU GIVE ME FEVER!” They were hot!
T AND KYM – *Milk Duds
They did the Paso Doble, and it was to “Eye of the Tiger.” A huge boxing ring was the set-up, and Mr. T was a boxer in the dance. It seemed like more jabbing than dancing, but I’m not here to judge dancing. Their relationship seems very sweet and genuine, and he seems like underneath all those chains and toughness, he might be a big ole’ teddy bear. Carrie Ann said “you are growing and expanding.” I think she meant mentally, but it sounded like she was telling Mr. T that he was getting fat. Julianne said “I think you’re crushing it.” Len took a nap in his oatmeal.
Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5 (Len woke up long enough to give the grumpy 5.)
Love Meter Score: Sorry, but their chemistry felt weak this time around. I’m giving them a score of “MILK DUDS.”
DAVID AND LINDSAY – *Energy Drink
Their song was “Bust a Move”, and he was lipsyncing and rapping and having all kinds of fun. He is so adorable. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home. They have such a great energy together. Like two little kids playing at recess. They just always have fun. Their dance was the same.
Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7
Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of “ENERGY DRINK.” They are fun and happy and bouncy.
WHO WENT HOME:
Chris and Witney. Not really a surprise there. He looked quite upset to be the first one leaving, because it does suck to be the first one eliminated by votes and scores. He said: “I wish my surgery was noted before this week, but it wasn’t, but I had an incredible time.” He seems like he might go home hurt and angry. Perhaps Tom Bergeron should get security to gently walk him out of the building, just in case. Or send Charo home with him, so she can annoy him into quiet submission.
Stay tuned for more hijinks and hilarity from LOVE TV’s Love Meter, Next Week!!!!