Maya Gottfried, Author at Love TV

Vegan: An Expert Guide to Plant-Based Dating

August 21, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin Body, DATING ADVICE, Wellness

If you’ve avoided dating a vegan because you’re worried that they are high maintenance, fear no more.

Are you afraid of vegans? Suspicious? In other words, do you see them as somehow different than you in a way that makes you nervous about vegan dating altogether? Well, you’re right that a vegan is in some ways different than you, a non-vegan.

Before fear overcomes you, let me reassure you that vegans, in many ways, are just like you. In all likelihood you love animals, so do vegans. You also probably love food, so do vegans.

The main difference between you and the vegan you might date is that they have decided to make a conscious effort not to hurt animals, or perhaps boost their health (a whole foods, plant-based diet has been proven to be ideal for good health), or help the planet (animal agriculture has a disastrous impact on the environment) by cutting animal products out of their diet and lifestyle.

That’s not so bad, is it?

Ask out that vegan

A vegan has the strong potential to offer some very attractive qualities. The fact that they are vegan means that they walk the walk (and don’t just talk the talk).

If they are an ethical vegan (vegan in the interest in reducing animals’ suffering), then you know that they are not only standing up for what they believe in, but that they are opposed to cruelty.

Probably the most attractive trait of a vegan is that they are living the love that is in their heart by acting on their love for animals, love for themselves, and love for the planet. And relationships are all about love, right?

Plan a great vegan date

So what happens when you’re going out on a date with a vegan and you start shaking in your leather boots because you’re nervous about being criticized, saying something wrong, or how you will break it to your parents that your someday fiancé won’t eat their Thanksgiving meal?

First, don’t be nervous. They’ve already said they will go out with you, so they have indicated that they accept how you eat. Give them a chance to say yes to you before you convince yourself they will reject you. You can worry about Thanksgiving later.

You’ll want to pick a place to meet that works for both you and your date. Your vegan isn’t only a vegan, they are a whole person with a spectrum of interests. Maybe they also enjoy botanical gardens, or seeing bands perform, or that French film that’s playing in the cute movie house downtown.

When it comes to restaurants, or cafés, or other food-oriented outings, a vegan will generally appreciate your thoughtfulness if you suggest a plant-based establishment. However, there are also frequently vegan options at non-vegan restaurants. There’s a good chance you’ll still be able to go to your favorite place, even if it isn’t vegan.

This could also be a fantastic opportunity for you to try a new cuisine. Your date will likely be in the know about the best vegan restaurants, and you could follow their guidance to delicious gourmet plant-based food unlike any you’ve tasted before.

Although your vegan date may seem a bit alien to you for their lifestyle choices, remember that they’re a human, like you. Vegans aren’t only interested in vegan things. We have all different topics we can talk about.

You should feel free to speak to your vegan about topics that interest you, but you’ll want to avoid interrogating them about their veganism, just as you wouldn’t want to be challenged about your own eating habits by a new potential love.

Also, you may want to avoid sensitive subject matter such as: 1) Your love of hunting, 2) Your last fishing trip, and 3) Your passion for eating bacon.

Get to know your vegan

Though incessant prodding about one’s veganism is not fun on a date, as a vegan I can tell you that I always welcome the gentle asking of questions. It’s perfectly OK to be curious. Go ahead and ask your date how they came to be vegan, what they eat for breakfast, and what they wear on their feet. They will probably welcome your interest in their life.

On one of my first dates with my now-partner, Dietrich, he gently asked me why I didn’t drink milk, or eat other dairy products. I took no offense, and happily filled him in on why I had decided not to consume them, without pressuring him to change.

However, I should warn you, he has been happily vegan since that very day.

Ready for your first date with a vegan? Read on to tell if it’s going well.

How Getting Cancer In My 30s Taught Me How to Date

September 22, 2017January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

When I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in my 30s, it immediately and completely changed every aspect of my life.

Within a week I had left a job that I loved, time hanging out in cafés turned into hours spent in doctors’ waiting rooms, and instead of thinking about what outfit I would wear out on Saturday night I was 100% focused on how to save my life.

I spent a full year going through chemotherapy and surgeries — and I survived. The cancer went away, and has not come back.

But even though the experience changed many things, there’s one aspect of my youth it did not. Through those long sickly days of chemotherapy and recoveries from surgery, I still had crushes and often wished for a partner to cuddle with as a lay weakly in bed.

Though some may not think of a cancer patient as a sexual being, the diagnosis does not erase our romantic longings.

In fact, my favorite day during that year of sickness was going on a walk and then having dinner with my biggest crush at the time. It didn’t progress into a true romance, but with side effects from chemo that included nausea and weakness, a walk and a meal were about all I could handle.

My cancer treatments were relatively brief, with a beginning and an end that were approximately one year apart from each other. I was single when I was diagnosed with the disease, and most days felt too sick to want to go out on a date. Though I wasn’t actively playing the dating game while going through my treatments, I still had good moments when I flirted just like everybody else.

When I emerged on the other side, I had a completely new approach to dating.

Going through the chemotherapy and surgeries didn’t just save my life, it changed my outlook. I had fought hard to stay alive, and was utterly unwilling to accept treatment from a love-interest that diminished my value.

For years as a 20- and 30-something dater, I had accepted all kinds of bad behavior. I lacked the self-esteem to stand up for myself and let go of the people who didn’t see me for the worthy person I was, and am. I pined for men who didn’t return my calls, tried to convince those who said they didn’t want a relationship that they might change their mind, and even continued to wait for a person who would show up hours late for our dates, or not show up at all.

After spending a year fighting for my life, I put up with none of the above. It’s like I developed a sixth sense for those who didn’t value me and I swiftly let them fall away. The greatest benefit of my new superpower was that when someone did come along who appreciated and then loved me, I had the space, capacity, desire, and ability to receive his affections.

Love is an essential part of living, and one can still find love while living with cancer.

For some people with cancer, however, the disease will be chronic, without a clear end in sight. Some of us may have just started dating someone new when we are diagnosed, and not want to wait until we are done with treatments to resume the romance. Cancer doesn’t need to mean relinquishing any hope of a romantic life, during or after treatments.

Though cancer is in our bodies, and is our business, it will affect those we become involved with, so if we have cancer when dating we will want to share that information with our dates before too much time passes. We don’t want to feel that we are hiding something, and we don’t want our potential partners to feel that we kept a secret from them. It’s not necessarily a first date conversation, but if there’s a spark, we may want to have that talk before too long.

Cancer hasn’t prevented a friend of mine, who currently has cancer, from indulging in great romance.

My friend Marta Csuka was diagnosed with “incurable” brain cancer at the age of 37. The tumor was removed but she was warned that she had very little time left before it would grow back and take her life. She swept aside the warnings and set out to mend her body by eating an all-raw vegan diet, avoiding chemotherapy and radiation. She shares on social media about her success and happiness in fending off the cancer, demonstrating for others that life following such a frightening diagnosis can be beautiful, vibrant, and romantic.

Marta says, “My experience dating after a cancer diagnosis was shockingly good! I’ve dated three men since my ‘death sentence’ two years ago. Two of them I met because of my cancer and so they knew about my ‘dis-ease.’ They were both raw vegans so they were very open-minded about how the right nutrients can reverse the cancer, even when western medicine declared me terminal.”

Now Marta is engaged to a man whom she met following her diagnosis and they have plans to wed in the near future. She is a positive, healthy, and smart woman. Why wouldn’t someone else love her?

Another woman I know lives a happy, productive, and creative life with cancer.

She has cancerous tumors that are not growing, but remain stable in her body. Like Marta, she became engaged to and married her husband after she had been diagnosed. She didn’t hide her cancer, but celebrated her survival, writing about her experiences and inspiring others by sharing how she stays in great physical, mental, and spiritual health despite her diagnosis. Living her life to the fullest while having cancer, she fell in love and made a lifelong commitment to a partner.

Above: the author and her partner.

When cancer comes flying at us out of left field, we can still enjoy all of the romance that our hearts desire.

Life often throws us curveballs. It is not a straight line. Cancer treatments may dramatically change our bodies. For many women who have had breast cancer, there is a deep fear of rejection following a mastectomy. But plenty of potential partners will embrace a woman who does not have breasts. Those scars tell stories of survival and there are others out there who will admire our strength.

Our perspective has the power to change our lives. Whether you or someone you know has been delivered a tough diagnosis — as I did when I got cancer in my 30s — how you respond can make a huge difference. An illness doesn’t negate our romantic desires so why should we repress that part of ourselves? Great romance, a sweet walk in the woods, or a cozy cuddle when we’re feeling sick, are all wonderful offerings of life that we don’t have to deny ourselves when faced with an illness, and they can help us feel better.

For more empowering love lessons, read about this young wife’s advice to “be yourself.”

Reclaiming Your Sex Life After the Big C — Cancer

January 27, 2018January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin Body, Mind, Sex, SEX TIPS, Wellness

Cancer may change your body and stifle your drive, but you can still have a vibrant sex-life!

When I received a diagnosis of stage III colorectal cancer (with tumors in my colon and rectum) at the age of 36, questions flooded my mind. What were my chances of survival? How long would I be on chemotherapy? When would my surgeon cut the cancer out of me? I can admit now that one of them was even, “What exactly is my ‘colon’?”

This was life and death and I was in warrior mode. I was only concerned about living. Death, to me, was not an option. At least that was the philosophy I was invested in.

In the discussions I had with my surgeon, oncologist, nurses, and the many other helpful people at the hospital where I was treated, we spoke about side-effects of chemo (hair thinning, neuropathy, sensitivity to cold), how to manage my ileostomy bag (or a “poop bag” that would hang off my abdomen for a few months), we talked about my temporary low fiber diet, and we chatted about what to do if I spiked a fever.

However, nobody brought up the topic of my sex-life, or that my desire level might diminish.

My treatments left me with zero sex-drive.

Despite my usual crushes, soon after treatments began, I discovered that I had zero sexual drive. In addition to the lessened desire for physical intimacy, once I had a bag of my own human waste hanging from my belly, I definitely didn’t want anyone I was interested in seeing me in the nude.

I already had body image issues. I had gone through most of my life as a compulsive overeater, and for all of my adulthood had been uncomfortable with the appearance of my naked self. Now I was thin, due to chemo, and single. But I had a bag of excrement hanging off of me. It felt very unsexy, and definitely something I didn’t want to reveal to a new potential love.

Besides the bag, my hormones had reacted to the chemicals that coursed through my body to kill the cancer. I had no desire for sex.

Cancer often leads to body image challenges.

Women with breast cancer often have similar experiences. Having one’s breasts removed in order to save one’s life can result in a negative self image (this is, admittedly, a simplification of a very complex experience for women), and a feeling of no longer being feminine or sexually attractive.

Some women even go without a potentially life-saving mastectomy in favor of keeping the breasts they feel are absolutely necessary in order to find love. However, many people love women who don’t have breasts, and those without them find partners who adore them. We can maintain our sexuality even with seeming insurmountable physical challenges to our sense of sexiness.

However, a diminished sexual desire during cancer may have nothing to do with our appearance, but instead be a physical symptom of the medical treatments we are experiencing to save our lives. Breast cancer treatments, for example, can actually cause vaginal pain that makes intercourse painful for many women.

A diminished drive may remain after the cancer is gone.

Once we come out the other side, and finish our cancer-related treatments and surgeries, challenges to our sex drives may continue. In some cases, the loss of sexual desire is without a concrete medical explanation, or solution.

However, there is a lot we can do to bring sexy back into our lives, and work with our partners to create a pleasurable experience for ourselves once again.

We can reclaim our sex-lives during and after cancer.

Though treatments, surgeries, and poop bags can pose challenges to our sexuality, they are not insurmountable. With a little creativity, persistence, and patience, we can have sex lives while we fight for our lives.

Whether we’ve lost our breasts or are flaunting an ileostomy bag, the dramatic physical changes we go through to rid ourselves of cancer can make us feel like we’re not our sexy selves. That just means we may need to go deep inside, and also use some handy tools.

If you feel unsexy due to an outward physical change, try looking at yourself in a mirror and focusing what you love about your body–making a mental list. What about your beautiful skin, your glowing eyes, your gentle touch? These are all very sexy. There’s no need to stay locked into conventional ideas of what makes a body desirable. Your body has been revised, so why not update your ideas about it?

Whatever you are feeling, you can have a romantic life.

Lingerie is fun, flirty, sexy, and lets us reveal what we want to reveal when we want to reveal it. Some talented and thoughtful designers have created lingerie for women with bodies altered by cancer.

Jasmine Stacey has made gorgeous, sexy underthings in beautiful fabrics that are specific designed for people with ostomies (like my ileostomy). Royce Lingerie makes bras with women who have had mastectomies in mind (with pockets for prostheses). However, many women are opting to go flat these days, and if that group includes you, you may want to experiment with fun flimsy lace camisoles that don’t require a breast or something shaped like one.

When chemo has you feeling like you just need to lay in bed and get some rest, but you want to spend time with your partner, you can explore a romantic mental space together. Why not go on an imagined date? Try cuddling and talking your way through what you would do together if you felt up to it. Where would you go? What foreign country? Which great national park would you hike in together? What do you see?

Painful vaginal sex due to breast cancer treatments may mean that it’s the last thing you want to engage in. However, there are a lot of ways to be physically intimate that don’t involve vaginal intercourse. Oral sex and stimulation using our hands are easy tools to use when other forms of intercourse are not in play. If you do want to try vaginal sex, then there are many lubricants on the market that may make it easier.

Whatever your situation is, be sure to communicate your experience with your partner. Though your symptoms may be obvious to you, they may not be to the person who you are involved with. Gently letting them know your sensitivities and needs will help them to treat you in a caring way.

Even without a medical explanation for your lack of interest in sex, there is something you can do.

One thing I learned from my cancer is that even long after the treatments are behind you, even once you are used to the scars, cancer can cause a diminished sex drive, which was my experience. I went to a specialist and found no good medical explanation or cure. It was up to me to find a way to cope with it.

The greatest gift I received during this process was advice to simply jump into romance and follow the feelings that come up. It worked, and when my body is just not making the sexual connection for me, I make it in my mind, and the physical usually followed.

If I put on some beautiful lingerie, look at my handsome boyfriend, think about his wonderful qualities, and dive in, soon those old feelings start to bubble to the surface.

As it turns out, despite those scars on my abdomen: the big vertical line where my surgeon cut out my cancer and the shorter kiss of red where my bag hung off of me, my partner loves my belly. The part of me I could barely bear to look at following my cancer is one that he loves.

Let others love you.

When we decide for others that we aren’t sexy, we don’t give them the opportunity to show us how much they are attracted to us. Whether we have lost our breasts or have a body covered in scars, others can still desire us.

If we “no” ourselves before giving others the opportunity to say, “yes” we may reject love before it finds us. If we have faith that we are sexual human beings deserving of pleasure, with or without cancer, then we open ourselves up to love, romance, and a healthy sexy life.

For more about dating while living with cancer, read this story by the same author.

How to be a Great Vegan Lover

February 6, 2018January 22, 2024 by Maya Gottfriedin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Vegans are passionate people, which is a great quality between the sheets!

Committing to a vegan lifestyle, eschewing animal products in our lifestyles, applies to every aspect of our multifaceted lives, even the time we spend with our lovers between the sheets.

When I went vegan I was warned by some of those close to me that my love-interests might be put off by my cruelty-free lifestyle, but I stood proud in my vegan shoes.

Being vegan means I’m compassionate and considerate of others’ feelings, I have ambitions to make the world a better place, and I’ve been told that my skin has that mysterious vegan glow. To me, that all seems sexy. Would I want to be with someone who was turned off by those qualities? Of course not.

I’ve also heard from more than one lover of a vegan that we taste better than meat-eaters. Very sexy.

Valentine’s Day offers a wonderful opportunity to spread vegan love

We vegans are great lovers because of the passion and compassion we bring to the bedroom. There are also some tools we can take into our dating lives and to bed to supercharge the vegan love.

Being a fantastic vegan lover can mean sharing the delights of vegan food, and most dates appreciate the effort of a meal prepared by their love-interest.

For Valentine’s Day, why not seduce your love with a delectable vegan lasagna followed by sweet cruelty-free cookies and coconut milk ice cream for dessert? You can serve it all picnic-style on your living room floor, lounging on pillows and lit by soy candles.

For vegans, there are lots of fun ways to get sexy

When it comes time to slip on protection, it helps keep things hot to be fully prepared. When we avoid animal products, that means doing a little more research into our protection that looking at the brands on display at the drugstore.

Some condoms contain casein, a milk derivative, and others are made from lamb intestines. Not vegan.

With a little research ahead of time, sexy vegans will know to pack a brand like Sir Richard’s condoms when going on dates, which are vegan certified. Being prepared will keep you safe, keep you in the mood, and keep you vegan. Other brands offering vegan condoms include Glyde, L., and Durex (their non-latex options are vegan).

You can heat up Valentine’s Day with sexy cruelty-free lingerie

Though many of us like to cut to the chase, some of us prefer to slow things down, and Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to invest in some fun lingerie to enjoy as part of a romantic evening with a lover.

However, being vegan means avoiding animal products in our clothing, including silk, which is the result of insects losing their lives. In fact, every pound of silk comes at the cost of the lives of thousands of silkworms. So not sexy.

There might be an historic association between silk and sexy lingerie, but there are plenty of gorgeous cruelty-free options available for those who want to avoid the suffering caused by the fabric. We can be great vegan lovers by decorating ourselves in tantalizing pieces that are made without harm to animals.

My all-time favorite lingerie designer is Agent Provocateur and lucky for us vegans they offer plenty of beautiful silk-free pieces including garter belts and corsets, bodysuits and bras (like the gorgeous Daliah bra made out of 100% polyamide). Just remember to check the fabric content to be sure your piece of choice is cruelty-free.

The Brand Luva Huva also offers beautiful lingerie in fabrics other than silk. Their beautiful Cosette Bamboo Slip is slinky and sexy and completely cruelty-free.

Vegan lubricants may take sex to the next level

For many, lubricants take sex to the next level, with a magic touch. For others, they are necessary due to pain caused by medical conditions. Whatever the case, they are a wonderful addition to an intimate evening with your lover.

To be great vegan lovers, we can tote one of the assortment of cruelty-free lubricants available. The brand Sliquid boasts 60 vegan products for between the sheets, including Sizzle lubricant which cools on contact and warms with friction. A great way for vegans to heat things up in bed.

Also available from Sliquid are vegan flavored lubricants in cherry vanilla, strawberry pomegranate, and other tasty options. For the adventurous, these are a great way to invite creativity into the bedroom and have fun more fun with your lover while keeping things 100% vegan and cruelty-free.

Some myths might have you believe that vegans aren’t as sexually engaged as omnivores, but with a great deal of passion, delicious lingerie, and some fun tools in bed, those who avoid cruelty to animals make fantastic vegan lovers.

Check out Vegan: An Expert Guide to Plant-Based Dating by the same author.