Looking for Love on a Trail of Breadcrumbs

July 22, 2016January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I had a really great first date with a curly-haired breadcrumber who kept in sporadic touch with me, which made me sad because I really had fun on our date and wanted to see him again.

There are lots of ways that technology has changed the way we interact with each other. A few years ago, if you’d been dating someone and you didn’t want to anymore, you had to say “hey, thanks for dating me, but I don’t want to anymore.” Now we ghost, fade, or breadcrumb our way out of hard situations.

Ghosting has been well documented: you’ve gone on a not-insignificant number of dates with someone, more than two or three, and then you Keyser Soze them like in Usual Suspects- you’re just in the wind. No text, no call. Everyone hates it, but everyone does it, because we feel that having been ghosted implicitly gives you permission to ghost, like being bitten by a werewolf makes you one yourself.

The first time I was ghosted, it really took me by surprise. I assumed that the person I had been dating for nine months was in rehab or prison (either one would have been a pretty good idea), and when, after two weeks of silence, I saw him tagged in a photo of just hanging out in his favorite bar, I was pretty amazed. I didn’t call it ghosting, I called it “being dumped by a sociopath”, which is in many ways more accurate.

Ghosting happens because it’s the easiest option, there’s no confrontation, and sometimes, ghosting happens because it never really closes the door- in the ghoster’s mind, they’ve never really broken it off with you, so there’s still a possibility of dating you in case what they’re pursuing also peters out, and also the thing after that, or if they someday reach the end of Tinder and it’s just a picture of a cat with a colander on its head. Breadcrumbing is the same- they might not want to date you now, but they maybe want to later? Or not?

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The 7 Most Frustrating Types You’ll Meet on Dating Sites

March 1, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Of course, there are many amazing single men out there looking for love but here are…

Five and a half years ago, at age 39, I was widowed suddenly. For a long time after that, I absolutely detested it when anyone would refer to me as being “single.” It was insulting to me. Single people hung out at singles bars and went out at night looking to meet other single people. Single people had a choice, or some version of a choice in their single-ness. Not me. My husband was dead. My life was ripped apart from me in one shocking second. I was widowed, NOT single, and there is a huge difference.

I didn’t want anything to do with the single life. I wanted no part of it. I just wanted my husband back. Now, years later, I still feel that way, because I still and will always want my husband back, and want that life that I had and never got to fulfill. But, I’m also human. And humans get lonely. Humans need to feel loved. Humans need companionship, and to spend time with other humans whose company they enjoy. So, sometime last spring, I attempted something I didn’t think I would ever attempt in my lifetime. And after my experiences, I honestly cant really see myself ever attempting it again. Dating sites.

To say this experiment has been interesting, is the understatement of the century. It has been downright weird and bizarre. Now don’t get me wrong. I have met some very nice people on these sites over the 10 months or so that I did it, here and there. But the weirdness and the confusion far outweigh the “nice”, at least in my experience. And the whole concept of meeting people this way, is extremely strange and foreign to me, still. Maybe because I am 45 years old. Maybe I’m just old school. Maybe this just doesn’t work for me. Or maybe its just weird and that’s just the way it is. I don’t really know. Yet here I am, stuck in this world of “unwillingly single.” And although I don’t have much interest in continuing to meet people this way currently, I have remained on 2 of the sites, mostly for comedic purposes (it sure gives great material for articles like this one!) If you are new to dating sites, one thing to take note of is that when you first join, you are like “fresh meat” for all the members. The responses are overwhelming at first, and yes, flattering. You start to think: “Hey, a lot of people think I’m attractive! This isn’t so bad!” Then you realize fairly quickly, that a good portion of those people are completely off-their-rocker-bonkers. After you are on the sites for a few months, the novelty wears off. Unless you are blonde and skinny with a perfectly sized body, all those multiple messages per day you were getting, telling you how gorgeous you are, start to wither away. So, even though I have remained on 2 of the sites, its mostly due to laziness of deleting my account. (I do the free ones. I’m not PAYING for this shit-fest!!!) The sites have been mostly silent as of late, aside from a random message now and then from a complete weirdo.

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10 Ways Millennials Do Relationship but Don’t Date

March 8, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Is dating dead?

Not only is it challenging for Generation X to understand the new millennial mating rules of the 21st century, it’s difficult for millennials themselves to understand them, since there’s often so much grey area. Here, we try to define the terms explicitly, so we can all get on the same dating page. Even though dating is dead.

1. Dating or Going on Dates:

This does NOT happen anymore. It’s too old fashioned, too formal. The best you’ll get is coffee, a casual drink, or hanging out at someone’s house or apartment. If you want to be taken out to a nice dinner, take yourself. Even if people do get together in a way that an older generation would consider an official date, millennials will never call it a “date.”

2. “Talking”:

This means texting between two people who have a clear interest in one another in some romantic or sexual way, but who aren’t ready to make anything official. It may include face-to-face communication and/or sex, though it’s not a requirement. A.k.a. hanging out.

3. Hooking Up:

Some kind of early sexual exchange without commitment. This can be anything from intercourse to just making out, though it’s usually more NC-17 than PG. Hooking up, no matter how good the sex is or how many orgasms were had, does not determine or inform seriousness, exclusivity or commitment.

4. The Quick Jump:

After talking or hooking up, if both parties are interested in a relationship, they will eventually become significant others. There is no in between phase where they are going on dates. Things are quicker today: it’s a yes or a no, a few short weeks of being unofficial, followed by a serious relationship. There is an extreme casual and an extreme formal, and pretty much nothing in between.

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10 Reasons Why Dating Is So Complicated Now

June 20, 2017January 22, 2024 by zfortadminin LOVE

When we were younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If we liked someone, we told them — and if they felt the same, we got together. These days, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating, and dating as a millennial is seriously f*cked up.

1. We ghost as a way to end things.

If we’re no longer interested in someone, we don’t need to tell them — we simply stop responding. If someone did this to us in real life, it would be completely psychotic, but because it’s over text or an instant message, we’ve somehow resigned ourselves to thinking it’s OK. Newsflash: it’s totally not. Even in the golden ages, the “Dear John” letter was left on the table in the foyer, but now, we’re lucky if you even get a typed string of characters saying “I’m sorry, it’s not working.”

2. We’re hyper-focused on sex.

Sex is scarily available — we can have it simply with the swipe of a finger. There’s zero effort made into getting to know someone for who they truly are unless we’re willing to undress and show the most sacred parts of ourselves first. And most of the time, sex doesn’t lead to a relationship — it leads to heartache, confusion and another one-night stand with the next person.

3. We’re in a competition of who can care the least.

Showing actual emotions is heavily frowned upon. If we show our cards and act like we’re interested, it leaves the person we’re affectionate about turned off and running in the opposite direction instead of being flattered that we actually give a sh*t about them. There’s little gratitude for honest and happy emotions.

4. We’re too strategic about our responses.

Responding right away comes across as desperate and too available. It’s amazing how millennials view the luxury of having instant access to communication as something we need to treat as if we’re still using carrier pigeons. Instant messaging is just that — it’s f*cking instant — but we still withhold our response times to try and show just how busy, important, and unattached we are. What backward and bullsh*t logic.

5. We expect a perfection that doesn’t exist.

Social media and thousands of dating profiles shoved in our faces lead us to believe we’re entitled a fairy tale life that doesn’t truly exist. We write people off for a minor detail and quickly look for the next best thing that we’ll somehow also find flaws in. Nothing is ever good enough for millennials. We fail to realize that relationships are a balanced bond and that with the amazing things come imperfections as well.

6. We’re overloaded with options.

We don’t believe we need to settle on anything because there’s always someone better looking with a better family life, better hobbies or someone with a better bank account. We move from person to person and even if we land on someone that makes us feel great and we could totally devote ourselves to in a relationship, we’re never quite willing to give up the search. The never-ending journey becomes more exhilarating than the actual prize itself.

7. We’ve become content with being alone.

While we’ve been navigating the journey to find love, we’ve consequently committed our lives to ourselves and made them into something that’s happy and rewarding without someone to love, which means it’s that much harder to invite a relationship into our lives. We’re fine on our own, so we won’t leave our comfort zones for anyone. Sometimes we even find minor and trivial reasons not to because we’re secretly happy with things just the way they are.

8. We’re always stuck in a grey area.

Almost relationships and no strings attached sex are the millennial versions of commitment. We’re left constantly wondering where relationships are headed, if anywhere, and plague ourselves with wondering if we’re wasting our time. No one is clear about their intentions, some lie about their intentions entirely just to have their ego’s stroked for a while, and basically no one has any clue what the f*ck is going on.

9. We don’t feel accountable for the pain we inflict on to others.

When we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, we don’t feel even the slightest bit inclined to apologize or to make good on our wrongs. It’s not our problem — it’s theirs. A person’s emotions, even if caused by something we did or said, is up to them to resolve. We feel entitled to walk around acting like complete d*cks with the expectation that the way it’s received is a reflection of the person we dump our sh*t on and nothing to do with the fact that we were the cruel ones.

**10. We’re all jaded as f*ck.**

Trust is severely lacking in our dating culture. We’re in the thick of a hookup culture that values sex more than love, temporary fulfillment instead of life-long commitment and lazy ass communication that often gets lost in translation. We’re all so confused by our own pasts, and with heaps of more sh*t constantly being added to the pile, we’re all becoming more and more jaded than ever before. We don’t even trust that love exists anymore because all we’re constantly met with disappointment. Dating as a millennial is like being in an apocalypse of love — and it’s pretty f*cked up.

Curated by Peggy
Original Article

13 Dating Terms to Know, Before You Enter the Modern Dating Scene

October 5, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Here are 13 of the most current dating terms and phrases for your modern love adventures — and what they mean.

So, here you are. You are single. You are lonely. Your Saturday nights involve tubs of ice-cream and marathons of “My 600-Pound Life.” You have been through a divorce, or you were widowed young (like me). Or maybe you just haven’t found anyone yet that is better than your ice cream.

You are finally willing to “get out there” in the world of dating, but the minute you do, your confusion overwhelms you and paralyzes you. You go onto a dating site or twelve, and immediately, you are met with words and phrasing you don’t understand. What language are these men speaking? What is going on? How am I supposed to date when I don’t even know what the hell these people are talking about?

I hear you, sister.

It’s hard to keep up with modern dating terms and they can be very tough to decipher.

Just when you have learned a brand new term and actually know what it means, it starts going out of style, and is replaced with the next one. It’s like when everyone on earth is in line for the new iPhone 10, and you’re finally getting rid of your Blackberry Curve.

But before you give up completely on what the latest terms mean and how to be aware of them — fear not. I am here to act as your dating dictionary, so that you don’t have to waste your life Googling everything.

Here are 13 dating terms to know, before you enter (or reenter!) the modern dating scene.

1. Catfishing

Okay, we’re starting really simple. This one has been around for awhile now. You may know that “catfishing” is the term for someone online who is lying or tricking someone else as to who they really are — but do you know why it’s called that?

The term “catfishing” is actually referring to literal catfish. It came from an old tale told by a fisherman, about a common problem in transporting cod. During the boat ride, the cod would become under stimulated and bored, causing them to become stale and tasteless. Someone came up with the idea to put catfish in with the cod, so that they would chase the catfish and keep them moving, active, and agile; resulting in a better quality cod.

So, because the catfish were “luring in” the cod, and stimulating them, this term began being used to describe what people were experiencing with online dating. For example, let’s say you develop an online relationship with this great guy named Alex. But every time you ask Alex to talk on the phone or Skype, he has some lame excuse about bad reception. Eventually, you decide to meet Alex in person. But when you get there, it becomes clear that Alex isn’t really Alex. In fact, he isn’t even male. Or the age you thought they were.

Congratulations. You have been catfished.

2. Netflix and chill

One might think this means exactly what it says, which is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and watch a movie on Netflix and relax.” But no. It is code. What it actually means is: “Hey girl, let’s hang out at my place and fool around with no commitment or promises for anything (otherwise known as “hooking up”). I may or may not show up with a condom. Cuz that’s how I roll! ”

It Is very important to know this phrase, because if you don’t, you would innocently assume you were going to someone’s apartment to watch a movie. When you pull up “My List” on Netflix and they pull out something else, you will then realize you have gravely misunderstood this common phrase.

3. DTR

I had to look this one up myself when a guy I had been seeing for about 2 weeks asked if I wanted to “hang at his place and chill.” Which is just a less impressive version of Netflix and chill. I told him I thought it was a bit too early for that, and he said: “We can hang out. DTR. And go from there.”

He followed this up with a wink-wink type look, but I followed it up by googling: What the hell Is DTR? Turns out it’s a simple acronym. It stands for “Define the Relationship.” Because saying all three of those words took SO MUCH TIME!!! Clearly, we need to abbreviate that. Anyway, that’s what it means. And Mr. Two Weeks clearly wanted to define our relationship as: “come on over and have casual and probably mediocre sex.” No thanks.

4. FBO

Did you know that if you get married, have a baby, get a promotion, or get fired- that it didn’t actually happen if you didn’t post it on Facebook? It’s true! And if you are involved in a new-ish relationship, it is up to both parties to decide, hopefully mutually, when they will go FBO, or “Facebook Official.” Soon, I expect that people will no longer get engaged. They will simply change their relationship status on their Facebook pages, and declare themselves FBO. This works great for cheapskates — no ring!

5. Ghosting

This is when you are talking with someone or dating someone, and then smack in the middle of your relationship, they just disappear. They stop all contact, with no warning or explanation. It can happen online, with someone you have been seeing for months or weeks or days, and it can happen in a regular relationship that never occurred online.

It happened to me last year. A guy I had become very close with, disappeared, and blocked me from contacting him again. We had been close friends for almost 2 years. This behavior is mean, immature, and spineless. It happens often, it is common, and it is a shame. There is really no way to avoid it, but you can try your best not to take it personally. Anyone who would do this to a person is not someone you want in your life. Doing this is a reflection of them, not you.

6. Zombie-ing

This Is sort of like the sequel to ghosting. This is when the ghoster comes crawling back, out of nowhere, and wants back in your life. They rarely apologize for their ghosting, and usually will try to regain contact with simple chatter such as “Hey what’s up with you lately”, or other lame musings.

It’s not a great idea to let a ghoster back into your life. They have an agenda. Once they don’t get what they need from you, they will move on to their next victim. This behavior is also sometimes referred to as “haunting.” As in, the ghost is back to haunt you.

7. Catch and release

These are lovely men who get off on the “chase”, so they will put a lot of extra efforts into “getting you.” Flowers, flirting, promises galore. Then, once they have your attention and they no longer have to chase you down, you lose your appeal to them and they stop putting in the effort. Then, finally, they get easily bored with you, and “release” you. Dump you.

If a guy comes on very strong and very charming at the start, and it seems over the top, you may be experiencing this behavior. Be careful.

8. Cuffing season

Oh, those long and lonely winter nights can be so burdensome, right? Yes, there is a season for this, and refers to those who want to be part of a couple, only for the cold winter season. To have someone to be with on the holidays, cuddle with, and make passionate love to on cold winter nights.

A warning: as soon as that sun comes out and the weather gets warmer, you might find yourself getting ghosted! If a guy seems a bit too anxious to make you his girlfriend the day before Christmas, you might be headed for cuffing season.

9. Thirst trap

Okay, this one is just weird. This is a dude who puts up an image/picture of himself, usually on a dating site or on social media, with the specific intent on shocking people or getting lots of attention, which is also known as “thirst.” A typical picture might be of a guy’s shiny abs with a beer bottle resting on them, or beach sand placed just right (in the crevice of his rear).

This “thirst trap” type of picture is rarely ever a well-intentioned person. At worst, it’s a scam of some kind to get you to click on the image. At best, it’s a narcissistic dude who gets his jollies every time a new chick clicks “like” on his stuff. Either way, he has no intention of dating you — hence the “trap.”

10. Slow fade

Sounds like a romantic movie ending, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it is the exact opposite.

The slow fade is basically when you are dating someone, and they decide on their own, without informing you, that they are no longer interested in you anymore. So, much like the ghoster who is too spineless to have a conversation about this, they start a gradual descent into not caring. They text you less often, they stop flirting, they suddenly seem like they don’t care. Because they don’t. The communication and effort gets less and less, until you have been faded out of the picture.

This is basically ghosting, in slow motion. It’s “Ghosting Lite” for the jerk who isn’t quite ready to take on the commitment of full-on ghosting!

11. Breadcrumbing

This one is very big on the dating sites. It basically means “to string someone along”. These are guys that will act interested in you. They flirt. They send sexy messages. They compliment you. But it’s all very vague and doesn’t ever go anywhere. It seems like all they want to do is just text endlessly, until one of you dies.

I’ve talked to these dudes many times. They get you hooked on them by appearing interested and charming, then they never follow through with anything. Most of them have no intention of even meeting you in person.

However, this can also happen offline too. Just a string of non-committal dates that are vague and don’t seem to be leading to anything. Sometimes these men aren’t entirely single (but you don’t know that), or they just enjoy lots of casual and lazy dating. Buyer beware.

12. Love-bombing

While the bread-crumber leaves slow and vague trails of crumbs for you to follow, the love-bomber does the opposite. This often involves big grand gestures of romance. Passionate love notes. Roses and promises of trips taken in the future together. Lots of presents. This is to draw you into them, at which point, they begin to reveal the “real” them, which isn’t always pleasant.

A lot of love-bombing is done by master manipulators and narcissists, who can appear charming upfront, but are actually quite controlling and aggressive. If someone comes on too strong too fast, or their “attacks” or bombs of passion just feel a bit too awkward, follow your gut. Things should progress and feel natural between two people. Whenever you feel as if you are a pawn in someone else’s game, you probably are. Pay attention to those early signs telling you this doesn’t feel right.

13. Lay-by

(It’s pronounced like “laying by the side of the road until I decide you are worthy of my attention.”)

This is similar to putting something on Layaway. You want the item, but you can’t commit to it right now. These men put women on “layby” status – they are usually still in another relationship, living with someone, often even married or separated but not divorced.

They are the types who do not like to be alone. They want to have the next person all lined up on stand-by, for when and if this current relationship blows up. So they keep you in the corner, waiting, while they figure out their life. Nice, right? Yeah. Not so much. If you are dating someone and you feel like you don’t always come first for them, you probably don’t. First is their spouse or girlfriend. Then you. Maybe.

Now that you’re fluent in these modern dating terms, you can be on the lookout for terms that aren’t on your terms.

I hope that these definitions are helpful, and at the very least, entertaining. The good news is that, out of all this craziness, I DID actually find love, eventually. Now, you can follow in the breadcrumbs of my misery, and laugh your way to a healthy dating life. And if that doesn’t work, well… there’s always ice cream.

For more reading on modern love, check out this guide to dating apps — and then prepare for the worst (while hoping for the best!) by learning about the 7 most frustrating types you’ll meet on dating sites.

Ghosted Lately? Here’s the Cure For Ghosting

February 13, 2020January 22, 2024 by Virginia Jonesin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

It happens to everyone. Someone we were dating disappears, and we want to know what to do about it. In a 40’s detective novel, we’d throw on a dirty overcoat and hit the streets and track them down, but now we just want to know…what happened?

Maybe they came on strong, pouring on the charm. Maybe they were exactly what you’re into. But then, you stopped hearing from them, and you can’t stop wondering about it.

The first time I was ghosted, it shocked me.

I had been seeing the person for nine months, and I thought if they weren’t responding to me, they must be in prison or in rehab. Honestly, either one would have been a great idea for that person. Finally, a close friend had to tell me- dude, he’s okay. He’s just gone. And she was right.

Years later, the same friend asks me- I met this guy at the airport, we had crazy chemistry, we went on some dates, but now he’s gone silent- how do I get him to write me back?

I gave it to her plain- you gotta stop talking to him.

Exasperated, she told me, “No, you don’t understand, he’s already stopped talking to ME. Not talking to him is, at best, a moot point.”

“What everyone tells me,” she continued, “is to sit back and play it cool, and to let him pursue me. But what if I don’t want to play it cool? What if I’m tired of waiting? What if I want to reach out? Why can’t I do that? Shouldn’t I be able to do what I want? I don’t like playing games.”

“You absolutely can do that,” I assured her. “And you might see him again. But he’ll disappear again, and you’ll be back in this same spot. You can’t change him or his behavior.”

I see people finding my dating articles online with the same search terms again and again- how to respond to breadcrumbing. What to do if you’re ghosted. How to reconnect. Just about everyone has had a moment when they wanted to hear from someone that they weren’t hearing from. I’ve finally figured out the solution, and that is to forget about them!

The truth is this: everyone wants to know how to change someone’s mind. If anyone had the answers on how to get someone back, they’d be a multi kajillionaire. They’d be hiring Jeff Bezos to shine their shoes. Turning someone towards you who has turned away- that’s the one thing nobody can really do, despite what the cosmetics, fitness, and apparel industries advertise. They pad their margins based on the hope that we can control something we can’t- “I can’t seem to forget you, your Wind Song stays on my mind!”

Think about it. How many times have you heard the story: “We met online. He came on strong, told me I was beautiful. We went out a few times and it was really great. Then, he stopped responding to my messages. But I waited it out and really played it cool, and then one day I sent him just the right cat meme, and now we’re getting married at Disneyland.”

Oh that’s right, you’ve never heard of it. Because that story is rare. Not impossible! But unlikely.

I told her, the thing is, you’re not playing it cool for this guy. He’s gone. He’s in the wind. You’ll run into him later at one of those bars that looks like a laundromat until you press the soap dispenser and a dryer door opens into the main room.

You’re playing it cool so he won’t waste more of your time.

You’re not going to get good results from him. You’re just moving him aside so you can keep looking for the person that will pursue you, who will be consistent, who will be as interested in you as you are in them.

A few days passed and my friend calls me again. She reached out and got a couple of texts from the guy, was exuberant for a minute, but then he was gone again. At this point, he’s a sunk cost- she can pour more time and emotion into it, but she’s not getting anything back.

So much of dating is editing.

Our grandparents, great-grandparents, might have courted, or been courted by, fewer than a handful of people before they got married. Modern singles can meet that many people in a weekend. Most of those people won’t be the one.

So, all the advice about hanging back and being aloof- it isn’t meant to change the person who has already let you down. It’s to free you up and find the person who won’t.

Try Relationship A.I. Dating Tracker to support the cure for ghosting.