Category: Sex

Celibacy is not solely responsible for the sexual abuse that has infected the church and left so many lives ruined. But even George Pell (does he still deserve the dignity of a title?) told a parliamentary inquiry that celibacy “might be a factor in some cases” of abuse by priests.

Of course it’s a “factor”. Intimacy is a basic human need up there with food, shelter and sleep. It’s elemental to our wellbeing.

Denying intimacy and insisting on celibacy as a prerequisite for ministry is not a sacred act but a dark tunnel to a life of secrets, torment and hypocrisy. You only have to look at pictures of Pope Jean Paul II and Anna-Teresa camping and on a ski holiday to understand that human love nourishes.

We only have his letters, not hers, but his reveal that she was “torn apart” by her feelings for him and longed to “be in his arms and remain there in happiness”. When she told him “I belong to you” he gave her his scapular, a clerical garment worn next to the skin.

Whatever you think of religion generally, a fear of intimacy has poisoned the Catholic Church (it’s been no great shakes for Islam either). Intimacy calls on our deepest honesty yet when we suppress it we cultivate the conditions for shame and secrecy to take root. Indeed, banning relationships hardly prepares a priest for pastoral care. Just as you wouldn’t call upon an electrician to solve a plumbing problem, why would you turn to a priest to help solve a family issue? Especially one who bans birth control and bars women from ministry.

If the church is to survive the global unveiling of its sickening sexual abuse it needs to reframe intimacy as a normal and necessary pillar of life. Celibacy may remain, but as a choice, not a pointless practice that infects and erodes the compassion that should be the cornerstone of service.

You see, I’ve seen The Thorn Birds with a different ending. One of my flatmates through university fell in love with a priest. For years she talked about him, loved him, desired him. When he left the priesthood for a relationship with another woman, she was devastated.

Fortunately for her — and her long-suffering friends — the relationship ended. Slowly, quietly, my friend and the former priest became lovers. He took a job in the corporate world. They married and had three gorgeous boys. They’re still heavily involved in the church, minus the robes and incense. Instead they offer much more: openness, mutual support and integrity. They are what a church should be.

We can only hope they, and their like, will be its future.

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It takes more than a bubble bath

The advice often given in magazines is that candle-lit baths and cuddles will solve many psychological problems with desire, but it has been pointed out that this advice is aimed at women and doesn’t resonate for most men or gay couples. In my experience, it does tend to be women who present at counselling more regularly, saying they have “gone off sex” but over recent years there has been a significant increase of the number of men expressing the same concern. This tends to be linked to the often remarked difference between women and men – that women need to feel loved in order to want sex and men need to have sex in order to feel loved. Of course this isn’t the same for everyone, but it’s a common theme that comes up.

If you are struggling with desire, see your doctor first to discuss possible physical causes. Once this is ruled out, you may want to get the help of a relationship counsellor or sex therapist in order to explore underlying issues.

For many people, reigniting your feelings for your partner through talking and sharing more deeply is enough to get desire back on track. As the well-known sexologist, Esther Perel says, “mating in captivity” gets boring and sexual desire thrives on newness and surprise as much as it does on love and caring.

Too much togetherness can dampen passion as quickly as years of doing the “same old same old”. Changing your routines can help you to see your partner in a different and fresh light, reminding you of the person you fell in love with. Getting a motorbike and heading off into a forest for some outdoor sex has re-lit the fire under more than one couple I’ve worked with.

In Relate’s 2015 report, The Way We Are Now, with Marriage Care and Relationships Scotland, two thirds of respondents said their sex life is important but fewer than half felt satisfied and a surprising 51 per cent said they hadn’t had sex in the last month. This could suggest a disjoint between the fantasy and reality and that couples find it difficult to ask for help with their sex life.

As our culture moves from a binary view of sexuality, towards more fluid ideas about sex and gender, I hope we stop seeing penetrative, heterosexual sex as the gold standard by which sexual performance “should” be measured.  Instead of glorifying orgasm, we could start loving with our whole bodies in a more relaxed fashion, using touch, teasing and talk to bring pleasure, fun, variety and passion into our lives.

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8. …And Definitely Don’t Wait Until You’re Stripping

I highly recommend not disclosing right before getting down and dirty, when the lust haze emotionally compromises our brains. It’s not fair to pressure someone into making a decision about his or her sexual health in the heat of the moment. If you can tell a situation is heading in that direction, slow things down and talk it out. Waiting until after you’ve had sex to disclose denies them the chance to give you their informed consent. Then you really will have something to apologize for.

At a party, I once realized the playful flirting between a friend and I was not quite as harmless as I’d thought. He already knew that I had herpes—I tell most of my friends, whether or not I want to bone them—but as we left the party to go back to his place, I made sure we took the long route. By the time we’d reached his apartment, he knew the statistics and we were both confident in what we wanted to have happen between us.

9. Know That You Deserve a Yes—But Don’t Take a No Personally

Sadly, an STD will be a deal-breaker for some people for a lot of reasons. Men and women with other health conditions might not want to put themselves at risk. A dude once broke up with me because he’d just gotten over chlamydia and didn’t want to gamble with his sexual health again so soon. And of course, every once in a while you will meet a jerk who has internalized the cultural stigma surrounding STDs too much to move forward with you.

Yes, rejection sucks. But it doesn’t really matter how valid or bogus your partner’s reason is for turning you down—respect it, and consider yourself better off. Now, you don’t have to waste time on someone who can’t be the best partner for you.

10. Remember That a Yes Doesn’t Guarantee a Good Relationship

It feels validating and awesome when someone says your STD is no big deal. But if accepting your STD ever becomes a bargaining chip or a “favor” your partner has done for you, this person might not be someone you want to date. They don’t get to congratulate themselves for being kind enough to have sex with you—or use your STD as an excuse to not put effort into the relationship. Keep your bar high. You should have a partner who adores you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated, regardless of your sexual health.

I’ve dated several incredible guys since I was diagnosed with genital herpes. What’s my secret? I refuse to think I deserve anything less than a supportive and fulfilling relationship, no matter what a stigma may have told me.

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Lifestyle changes can be made that will help to avoid erection problems for as long as possible including losing weight (if you are overweight), keeping diabetes well controlled, giving up smoking, drinking less alcohol, avoiding illegal drugs, regularly exercising and keeping stress levels down. While these lifestyle changes can help, the issue cannot always be avoided.

Until now, treatment options have only included drugs, pumps, injections and surgery all of which have their challenges. For example, medication often causes side-effects such as headaches, hot flushes, dizziness and stomach upsets and can have additional harmful side-effects when taken with other prescription drugs. Popping pills also means couples have to plan for sex, which removes the spontaneity to love making.

Time travel for sex lives

The good news is that there is now a definitive answer that will mean you and your partner can take control of your sex life. An innovative treatment is now available for the first time in the UK offering a safe, painless, non-invasive and drug-free, long-term solution for erection problems. Vigore uses proven safe and effective sound wave technology focused on improving blood supply to the penis – the commonest cause of erectile problems. Its being hailed as ‘time travel for your sex life’ as it naturally restores erectile function by stimulating the growth of new blood vessels in and around the penis.

Requiring just four twenty minute clinic-based treatments over a four-week period to deliver results that have been proven to last for at least two years, Vigore is now available at a growing number of clinics across the UK. Developed to naturally rejuvenate male performance and restore sexual confidence, this new treatment is set not only to provide a physical boost, but also to restore crucial intimacy and sexual spontaneity to relationships.

For more information about Vigore treatment visit: www.vigore.co.uk or call 0800 999 2662 for a confidential discussion. Treatment is subject to doctor approval to ensure patient is suitable.

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The bedroom is a sacred space for a relationship, but it’s about more than just a good mattress, tranquil wall color and comfortable sheets.

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You need also to keep consistent bedtime habits with your partner–the kind that almost dare you not to go to bed in total bliss.

Here are four bedtime rules & rituals that happy couples swear by:

They Go to Bed at the Same Time

Going to bed together is a sacred time, and a great opportunity for couples to connect and download their days. If one of you goes to sleep much earlier than the other, try to still make some time around whenever the earlier person goes to bed–even if you need to get up after they’ve gone to sleep.

They Kick Kids & Pets Out of the Bedroom

Bedtime is an intimate hour. Be vigilant about bedtime for the little ones, and make sure your pets have another comfortable place to sleep besides your bed.

They Cuddle Each Other

Physical touch is so important to a good relationship, and cuddling in bed is like a shortcut to intimacy. It’s science: According to The Telegraph, partners who sleep less than an inch apart are more likely to be happy in their relationship.

They Power Down Phones and Turn Off the TV

It’s better for your health and it’s better for your relationship. Without digital distractions, you’re leaving more of an opportunity to start meaningful conversations or, well, whatever else two adults might do in bed together.

What are your (PG-13) bedroom rules?

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We also respect that for the young man on TV3 using sex workers is not his ultimate desire, but meets a very human need. Where we differ with him is we don’t agree his need should be funded by the Government.

CCS Disability Action believes this idea sends some negative messages.

First, that paying for sex is the only way any disabled person can have a physical connection. We know this is not true.

Many disabled people have partners and loved ones in their lives, including people who have high support needs.

Secondly, this call for government funding of a personal issue goes against the demand by many disabled people to have the “same lives” as others – to get the same rights but also have the same responsibilities.

Some of them will question why they should not have to pay for sex as others do. I’d also like to point out that while Story’s emphasis was on a “red-blooded young male” wanting sex, it did not explore the needs of disabled women when it comes to sex. As far as I’m aware (and I admit to not being too knowledgeable here) there aren’t a lot of male sex workers available to disabled women.

So, when we’re talking fairness, disabled women can be seen as more disadvantaged in terms of accessing sex than disabled men.

And is it really sex we’re talking about, or intimacy, relationships and love? It’s been argued that our view of sex and intimate relationships as a human right is ridiculous.

Perhaps it would be better to say that the desire for love, companionship and intimacy (including physical intimacy) is a very human and basic need most people experience.

And most people don’t have to pay for it if they don’t want to.

If they do, however, pay for it we are clear the Government shouldn’t be asked to fund this. That to us is a personal decision. That said, perhaps it’s time the issue of sexuality and disabled people was discussed more openly.

Perhaps only then will we have acceptance of disabled people as people who want the same things others have, including sexual relationships.

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That was about a month ago. I heard a few jokes from some other ladies about how they expected me to never leave the house again, and boy do I get that. But what has been the most interesting thing for me, in lowering my guard and in dropping some of my prudishness and talking about it more, is how common this experience actually seems to be among so many of the women I’ve talked to.

Not the going on hormones part, but the discovering the secret path to one’s orgasm that had previously been hidden.  Some women have talked to me about how they can’t have one from intercourse, and how partners have treated them like there was something wrong because of it, versus a later partner who instinctively bought her a vibrator without needing to be asked. Or the women who tell me they have a really tough time climaxing if they are too afraid to be vulnerable with their partner. Or the woman who says she’s found that her ability to have one has actually gone away a bit as she’s gotten older, and how it’s changed her approach to sex, being more selective, more concerned about having a partner who knows how to work for it.

So many times in my life, when I run up against the experiences of cis women, I feel a sense of grief or longing for the part of their lives that I’ll never get, or that I had to take a passive, almost spectator view to. This time though, while I lament the age at which I acquired this knowledge or ability, it has actually made me feel so much closer to the friends who have shared their struggles with me. For these conversations, the “trans” or “cis” terms in front of woman seem to have faded. We’re just some ladies talking about the miracle that is a running water faucet, or how good it feels when you’re with a partner who makes your pleasure a priority for them. That we all have such different quirks and hangups that may have prevented us from experiencing this in full, but that we’re not broken or flawed, we’re just women who haven’t found our key yet.

Talk it out

When it comes to the wedding night, it’s imperative you and your partner get on the same page. “Have a conversation with your spouse about your wedding night and make a decision together about what kind of connection you want to have on that night.

Chances are, if you are having worries, he or she may be too. And sharing your worries helps you manage both your expectations and any anxiety you might have.

Additionally, it’s smart to sit down and talk out how you anticipate your mind and body will feel after a non-stop and emotional day. It makes sense for couples to talk over together how they might feel after their wedding, and have some ideas about what might feel good for them sexually. But your conversation doesn’t have to stop there. When the time comes the couple can talk about what they’re in the mood for.

Concentrate on having good sex before your big day

It’s one thing if you’re waiting for marriage. But if you and your partner have already knocked boots, “have sex as often as you like before the wedding. Couples who ‘hold off’ having sex immediately before their wedding night create anxiety and unfair expectations, ultimately putting more pressure on themselves to have spectacular wedding night sex. Anxiety and expectations do not create desire or promote arousal.

With managed expectations and memories of mind-blowing sex fresh in your minds, you’ll be more likely to give yourself and your spouse a break if the wedding night falls short of amazing sex.

At the end of such a long day, it’s reasonable to simply want to crawl into bed with your spouse and get some sleep at the end of a day where you’ve been the center of attention. Don’t be hard on yourself if things don’t go as planned.

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Sadly, even in 2016, our world is still extraordinarily backwards when it comes to women’s sexuality. Our culture sends mixed messages about sexual health — on one hand shaming women for being sexually active, and on the other, using the media and social norms to sexualize female bodies.

The double standard presented to women results in confused silence. We are supposed to have sex but not discuss it, we are supposed to present a certain KIND of sexuality in specific contexts and with limited parameters. We must be both sexually knowledgeable and pure.

What is the result? Silence. Misunderstandings. Misinformation. And therefore, unsafe practices, beliefs and spaces for women to be having sex.

Moreover, it means there are almost NO options available for women if they DO wish to explore changes in their sexual health.

If you’ve spent any time on the EmpowHER website, you know that plenty of women have questions and concerns about their sexual health. And many don’t feel comfortable in asking about them. Many more don’t have access to other forums that openly address their apprehensions with facts and evidence-based information.

This is why websites like EmpowHER, which foster conversations and inspire women to advocate for full inclusion of ALL bodies in research, are so crucial! Together we can ensure that our health needs and rights are part of the equation when it comes to medical research.

We can demand respect and equality – not only for women, but for Black women, Asian women, Hispanic women, trans women, queer women, and everyone else that is currently left out.

We can keep conversations going about women’s sexuality and silence the voices that say we are LESS THAN, tell us how we can feel, indicate which of our parts are important, and glorify or demonize our bodies, behaviors and brains.

So ask questions! Talk about your concerns and needs! It’s time to normalize women’s sexual health and spread the word when you learn something new. Remember, it’s okay to talk about sex!

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3. Work.

Driven by financial fears, the Japanese are working harder than ever, with 22% of people putting in more than 50 hours a week, and 200 people per year dying of karōshi, or overwork: dying of strokes or heart attacks on the train to work, or on the job.
Married people get home too tired to have sex with their partners, and with personal time at a premium, many single people prefer not to, in their perception, “waste” time on relationships with others when they could be working on their hobbies or pursuing other interests.

4. Replacement.

Some of the quirky inventions of Japan designed as substitutes for human contact could be contributing to the problem: virtual girlfriend games, pillows with women printed on them, sex dolls, and pornography- all options where one’s sexual and emotional needs are met on your own schedule, and leaving you free to work or study or pursue other interests, and without having to open yourself up to rejection or pain. Some men have married their pillows and dolls, saying goodbye to human relationships forever.

What can we in the West learn from our brothers and sisters of Nippon, and how can we do better?

Americans are getting married later (27 for women, up from 21 in 1964) but losing our virginity around 17, on average, and we aren’t worried about having sex before marriage. We’re having lots of sex, even if we’re not always having lots of relationships, with over 50% of New York single year after year. Japan’s overworked, solitary citizens make our phone-spawned hookups seem warm, old-fashioned and romantic by comparison.

My advice on not turning Japanese, I really think so:

Stay connected. Stay empathetic. Keep up with friendships, with family, with current and ex-lovers.  Use technology to get and stay connected- but not to replace connections with people.  What is life for, but for connecting and communicating and sharing with other human beings? We may be embroiled in a divisive election year, we may have social problems, but please- let’s not start marrying pillows.