“In my work I meet a lot of couples who do not engage in affection other than sexual touch because all affectionate touch has become associated with foreplay,” says Smith. “In other words, if a partner does not want to be sexual they will avoid anything that could give the impression that they are open to being sexual. This will often include hugging, kissing (beyond a peck on the cheek), cuddling, holding hands or sometimes even sitting close on a sofa. They might also avoid any touch once in bed. However, they may not register that they are doing this and may, at first, consider themselves affectionate.”

Male partners will often consider themselves affectionate but in their minds the initial hug or touch is a precursor to sex, so while the touch itself isn’t sexual, the message that goes with it is suggestive, which may make the female partner dread that touch, she adds.

Seven-year itch

The Irish may appear to be a faithful lot, according to the survey, which finds that just over 90 per cent of people claimed to be monogamous. On the other hand, one in five people skipped the question, perhaps fearful of revealing too much even though the survey was confidential and anonymous.

The seven-year itch was evidenced in the survey, with most affairs happening at that point in the main relationship, leading Murphy to suggest that “seven years often seems to emerge as a time in a relationship when things need to be reevaluated: perhaps this is a good idea, with both people recommitting or otherwise to the exclusiveness of the relationship.”

Lesbians are least likely to have cheated (2 per cent), followed by straight females (4 per cent), while nearly one in three bisexual males have strayed. One in seven bisexual males and females were in open relationships.

“It’s fair to say that questions regarding infidelity are generally under-reported as affairs, for understandable reasons, are kept private and secret,” says Madden. “That said, it’s interesting to note that the majority of people who have had affairs have not disclosed this to their partner.”

The 90 per cent monogamy rate – if it is accurate – shows that people aspire to exclusivity in relationships, says Murphy, although the rules are different for gay men and bisexuals. This leads her to wonder whether these two groups have a stronger need to explore their sexuality.

When we asked about the frequency of being “unfaithful”, 54 per cent of heterosexual male cheaters and 42 per cent of heterosexual female cheaters said “on a few occasions”. But women are more likely to be involved in long-term affairs, rather than having one-night stands. “This would seem to support the idea that men have affairs for the sex and women for the intimacy or relationship,” says Murphy. “Men have often said that the affair had nothing to do with their primary relationship, whereas women who have affairs tend to know that it is directly related to a lack in their primary relationship.”

However, we must sound a note of caution regarding how people define “monogamy”. Is it a full-blown affair, or a stolen kiss and cuddle? “We don’t know what the respondents regard as cheating,” comments Smith. “Some women consider watching porn as cheating. Some men think chat-room sex and using sex workers is not cheating. Some people, particularly women, engage in emotional affairs where they can experience all the romantic and sexual feelings of an affair without ever acting on them. Some people don’t consider it cheating if they don’t care for or love the person they are having sex with.”

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IF YOU’RE IN A LONG- TERM RELATIONSHIP..

Mind your language – Long-term couples forget to use “pleasure words” that people use when first dating.

Pop expressive words into your messages today as well as tonight.

Instead of “Looking forward to tonight,” say, “It’s going to be lovely seeing you later.”

Or instead of, “You look nice,” say, “You look so handsome”.

Spell it out – Dr Read suggests: “Leave a trail of notes to lead the way.

“Write the relevant letter of the alphabet on the back of each note so when put together they spell the special something you have planned.

“At the end of the trail to your candlelit bedroom, they will find you waiting with chilled drinks.

Reconnect with fun – Do something unexpected tonight that creates the need for contact and throws you into each other’s arms.

“For instance, see a scary film or try ice skating – the spontaneous physical contact rekindles touch between couples.

Red-hot massage – Treat them to a Thai massage – rise up on your elbows and gently caress your body against theirs – with your tops off this technique will really set your skin tingling.

Next, take a sexy massage technique into the shower.

A face cloth can even be used, gently swirled in slow circular movements all over their body.

Sensual picnic – Jo Hemmings advises: “Host an indoor picnic.

“Make sure the kids are asleep and buy or make some simple but tempting finger foods.

“Throw down a blanket in your living room and snuggle up while you feed each other nibbles.

“It’s fun and can lead to nibbles of your own…”

Kitchen karma sutra – A candlelit dinner in the kitchen can be transformed into sizzling sex.

After feeding each other by hand don’t bother going to the bedroom as you can couple up against the counter, over the table, on a chair or on the floor – the possibilities are endless in this versatile room.

Bath-time fun – “Grab a bottle of bubbly from the off licence then run a bath,” suggests Siski Green.

“You can both enjoy the giddy fun of bubbles in the bath. Blow gently on your partner’s skin when it is wet, and the tingling will ignite their desire.”

Fantasy play – Fantasies can recharge interest so ask if they have a secret one. Give them confidence to share it, saying you would love to hear it.

Or suggest a fantasy game taking turns telling a story in delicious detail. Start by pretending you picked each other up for raunchy “stranger” sex!

Date with a difference – Established couples can bring on the romance by going back to the place you had your first date.

Once there, have fun chatting about what first attracted you to each other – a kiss, a smile, giggling.

Studies show taking a trip down memory lane rekindles warmth and romance.

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Amy Levine: Anything that has a little spring to it, without the squeaky sound. Keeping this in mind, the firmer the mattress, the more aches and pains you may feel as you get into fun positions. Other options like memory foam can allow you to comfortably stay in a sexy configuration for a good amount of time, but may require “more work” so to speak. Not to mention, they can make a hot and steamy encounter even hotter if the material conducts heat.

Amy Levine: High thread count sheets that are 100% cotton can enhance your Valentine’s Day encounter, making it a more sensual experience. Consider sheets that are 500 and up. If you’re on a budget, select something that feels soft to the touch, as some lower thread count products are made out of very smooth cotton.

For a comforter and blanket, your best bet is to get something that’s easy to wash, rather than something that has to be dry cleaned. A blanket is a great way to add texture to your love nest. Remember, messy bedding is a turn-off.

Amy Levine: Having sex in the dark is boring. Being able to see your partner in a subtle light amps up the erotic intensity. So, put your ceiling fixture on a dimmer. Or, get a lamp for your nightstand that has a three-way option for low, medium and bright light. Candlelight can also do the trick.

Amy Levine: Lavender and pumpkin pie are two scents that are considered to be aphrodisiacs for men, and clean smells like cucumber are said to be a turn-on for women. Find out what does it for you and your partner. By purchasing a selection of essential oils, you’ll be able to create your own Love Potion No. 9. To infuse the room, try a diffuser.

Amy Levine: A dimmer that’s on a remote control and a clock that has a subtle light display rather than something that’s glaring. You want to lose track of time and set an alarm if need be, not be reminded that you’re running late.

Amy Levine: Hopefully, you can leave your pet in another room of the house, and if you think they will be a distraction, shut the door so they can’t come in.

Kids on the other hand are another story. Ideally, you’ll want to get it on when your kids are out of the house or asleep. If you haven’t already, find time to start teaching them about privacy – yours and theirs, as well as teaching them about knocking on a closed door. And if need be, next time you want time to be intimate consider shutting or locking your door, and hopefully they’ll know to knock. Then, you can ask if it’s an emergency, and if not, calmly say you’ll be with them in a few moments.

Amy Levine: Beds that are low and high both have their own distinct advantages. Since everyone is different, think about the sex positions you like the most. Having a comfortable chair in the room can be fun for sitting positions. And, a dresser, headboard or wall can be used for leverage to maximize pleasure.

We asked Levine to list quick ways to set the stage for romance in your bedroom in 10 minutes or less. Here’s what she suggested:

– Make your bed, using any elements from other areas of the house that can make it look more inviting.

– Light candles and dim any lights.

– Put your pleasure prop box at your beside. (If you don’t have one, gather items from around the house that can be fun and sensuous, like a silk scarf to use as a blindfold or to bind, and a feathered earring to use as a tickler.)

– If you’re not an exhibitionist and you have neighbors, close the blinds or curtains.

– Play music that makes you feel sexually confident and empowered.

– Slip into something that makes you feel sexy.

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3. Sex Can Ease Your Stress Level

The stress-relieving benefits of having sex definitely aren’t seasonally dependent, but O’Reilly says that many people can feel “trapped” inside when it’s too cold outside to explore. “When your FOMO from the Winter settles in, sex can help to calm your nerves,” she said. “Studies suggest that sex can relax the nervous and respiratory systems and those who have sex before public speaking engagements are better able to regulate stress indicators once they hit the stage!” So if you’re struggling with another night of subpar temperatures, keep yourself active in another way.

4. Sex Helps You Sleep Better

When the air is dry during the Winter, you may find yourself waking up with a sore throat or stuffy nose, or if you need to be very warm to fall asleep, the mere act of getting shut-eye may be difficult for you from December to March. Enter: having an orgasm right before sleep. O’Reilly says that after you have sex, your brain releases slumber-inducing chemicals like serotonin and opioids that make you feel more relaxed and drowsy.

5. Men Are More Turned On During the Winter

If you notice him initiating having sex more often, it might be a seasonal reason. “For men, there tends to be a higher desire for sex in the Winter months. It can be attributed to visualization and fantasy of less skin being exposed during Summer months so there is a higher level of promiscuity and curiosity,” Kitley said.

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“The truth is people may be sharing a home, but they aren’t sharing much else. Music may be able to change that by bringing everyone back together,” said Levitin, who is also a musician himself. “This study takes an important step forward in showing how listening to music out loud can enhance relationships at home.”

In a statement reported by the Economic Times, Levitin added that “throughout most of the world and for most of human history, music-making was as natural an activity as breathing and walking and everyone participated.”

According to the doctor, the result is in line with the previous studies in the past, which have suggested that music can change people’s mindset because it releases the dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gives people a sense of contentment.

The best thing to describe the result of the study is that a home filled with a lot of music may also suggest that it is full of love and togetherness. It might also be full of sex and romance.

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But the same time, only last July, students at a Melbourne high school were being handed “educational” material that claimed that girls who had sex were like stickytape that loses its stickiness.

Anyone trying to convince themselves that our society is maturing in its sexual conversation need only consider that it was only last week esteemed Australian sex educator Cyndi Darnell found herself suspended by Facebook for sharing a viral video explaining how sex education works in Norway because – shock horror – the video depicted an actual penis in order to talk about one.

It sounds ridiculous to insist that the derivation of mutual pleasure should be the central message of sex education, but it’s a message that, unheeded, has outcomes among young people that are both painful and dispiriting.

Fairfax reported on Thursday widespread research findings that show “a quarter of all young people say they have ‘unwanted sex’, due to feeling pressure frightened or being drunk.” Another report featured in the Conversation that surveyed kids 16-18 discovered “women were repeatedly asked for anal sex by their male partners, and men’s and women’s accounts also raise the real possibility of of unwanted penetration for young women – who are sometimes put in situations where they are penetrated anally without their consent.”

There’s an excellent line in the book Clever Girl by Tessa Hadley, in which the protagonist opines that, “Sexuality itself was sometimes understood, by the women in my family, as a kind of violence that must be submitted to, buried deep in the privacy of domestic life.” It’s a tradition that informed much of my own generation’s fumbling. Thank god for the La Trobe education initiative, so that future generations may be spared.

I remember watching Danielle in that bus, talking about sex, pushing her bruise, and reflecting on my own early experiences and thinking: “It should all be a lot more fun than this.”

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“Everyone gets their heart broken on the road to love – and they should, because that’s the only way they develop any grit and strength,” she said during her presentation at the Limmud FSU conference.

Seidler-Feller’s second tenet is that both men and women need to be honest with themselves about what they want out of a relationship. Women especially, she says, shouldn’t be ashamed of their desire for someone to lean on.

“One’s capacity to say ‘I need help’ or ‘I feel vulnerable, I need you to be strong so I can let go,’ creates so much breathing room for a woman,” she said. “I think it’s important that women don’t lose contact with that side of themselves.”

While looking for dependency may not be politically correct, Seidler-Feller says it’s definitely not anti-feminist.

“Dependency is not the same as weakness,” she said. “It’s an interdependent recognition of complementary limitations that each of us have as humans.”

Seidler-Feller’s third tenet is that couples should confide in each other. Opening yourself up and sharing your deepest secrets, fears and desires with your partner creates loyalty and satisfaction, she says.

“If you want to be in a good relationship, you have to engage in deep conversation,” she said.

With a foundation of trust and reliability, partners are less likely to look for that elsewhere.

“This is an inoculation against intrusion of third parties, affairs,” Seidler-Feller said. “How deep is your conversation? What do you demand of the other person? What do you demand of yourself?

“If you can do that and avoid the easy way of blaming the other person and looking outside yourself instead of looking inside yourself, I think you’re on the road to a lasting relationship.”

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6. Both partners are not equally active: Sex is fun when both partners get into the act, tease each other, explore each other, kiss, bite, hug and then get into the act. But if it is either one of you who is trying to call the shots all alone with the other just being a log in bed, something is missing in your relationship. Probably it isn’t even satisfying sex.

7. It gets over in a matter of minutes or seconds: Ok, we agree that you aren’t going to rock all night. But if your act just gets over in a few minutes or seconds it’s time you ask yourself what you were doing in bed.

8. It makes you tired, not satisfied: All’s well that ends well isn’t true in this case. Even after having an orgasm, if you feel more tired than satisfied or exhilarated, then you surely need to think about your sex-equation with your partner.

9. The act is not selfless: Love-making, like love, is selfless. If you are not taking that extra step to please, arouse and tease your partner in bed then it’s lust.

10. You don’t cuddle after the act: The best way to know if you are making love or having sex is what you do after the act. If you just turn your back and sleep after experiencing an orgasm and don’t cuddle with each other then probably love is missing in all your actions.

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7. Mary, 23

I met my SO at a party and we exchanged numbers and hooked up that night. He left the next morning and texted me later that day. We went on some ‘dates’ after that and the rest is history. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years since that first night and are still going strong. We now live together and are considering marriage.

8. Jason, 37

I was a booty call by my now-wife on Thanksgiving of 2000. We were chatting on AOL Instant Messenger and she said, ‘If it wasn’t so late, I’d ask you over for a beer.’ Sensing what was up, I replied, ‘it’s not that late.’ We hooked up that evening and had casual sex for two more months before we knew we were really into each other. On Easter of 2001, I proposed, and in August of 2002, we were married. We took some ‘us’ time before having our son in April of 2008. We’ve now been together for 16 years.

9. Ruby, 28

Most of my long-term relationships started out casually. How do you know you want to be committed to someone unless you get to know them first? My current boyfriend and I were dating for about three months before we ‘made it official,’ i.e. agreed to stop seeing other people. He wasn’t ready for a serious relationship when we met and was very up front about that, but I knew pretty quickly that I wanted more from him than just casual sex. During that time when we were dating but not committed, I definitely dated and slept with other people. But once we had the DTR talk, I cut it off with everyone else. We’ve been together for three years.

10. Kristine, 23

We actually began seeing each other casually while I was ‘seriously’ (more so for him than me) dating someone else. I had been working on ending it with the other guy for a while, but guilt over his feelings being hurt kept me there until I met my current partner. My current SO and I were reluctant to start a serious relationship for a while for a multitude of reasons — we have quite a big age difference, I had just gotten out of (and cheated in) a relationship, he just got out of a marriage about a year before we met, and we worked together. We eventually realized how much we had in common — from our sense of humor, to our politics, to our desires for ourselves as people… There wasn’t much of an ‘a-ha’ moment or discussion about becoming an item; we pretty much just started referring to each other as ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ about a month and a half into it. We got more ‘serious’ about 3-4 months later when we both realized our feelings for each other were far deeper than we ever thought our relationship would go. We have been together over four years now and living together for about two years.

11. Caitlin, 23

I had been having casual sex with a friend of mine from high school around the beginning of my junior year of college. Eventually we started to realize that we enjoyed each others company for more than just hooking up, and have now been dating for almost three years.

Pornography may become an addiction. Flood is cautious about analogies to drug addiction. He points out that attachment ranges from recreational users to compulsive and self-destructive users. However, as with other addictions, some people experience social, work or financial difficulties because they use pornography.

Pornography entrenches sexist attitudes. Abundant research shows that men who use pornography are more accepting of attitudes that sexualise and objectify women. They tend to want sex without emotional involvement.

Pornography disposes men for violence against women. Flood writes, “Exposure to sexually violent material desensitizes male viewers to sexual violence, diminishing their emotional response to the stimulus, eroding their sympathy to victims of violence, and informing more callous attitudes towards women rape victims.”

As a pro-feminist man, Flood and other activists view the sex industry as patriarchal, misogynistic, and brutalising. They call upon men “to quit pornography and forge ethical sexual and gender relations.” Their strategy for change is good sexual education, mostly in schools.

But this does not exclude the possibility of “good pornography”. And it includes acceptance of masturbation as a normal and natural part of human sexuality. Even more troubling, a feminist approach to pornography isn’t interested in the context of sex. It doesn’t need to be within marriage; it doesn’t even have to be heterosexual. The key thing is that it should be mutually pleasurable and lead to greater intimacy and affection.

Flood characterises the other approach to fighting pornography as “Christian”: it is based on total abstinence outside of marriage and it frowns on masturbation. He believes that this approach is limited, because “the contrary tenets of a powerful sexual culture” make it unrealistic.

However, in many respects, the Christian approach might be more realistic, if harder. Fundamentally it is based not on “narrow sexual proscriptions”, as Flood calls them, but on virtue, building up good habits that lead to human flourishing. What the feminist approach lacks is a clear vision of the purpose of sex and how it can be integrated into a mature personality. At the conference, for instance, the idea that sex is connected with babies, children and marriage was barely mentioned.

Young people need to be exhorted to struggle to control their unruly sexuality. The task is made much easier if they realise that this is part of their capacity to participate in procreation and the even greater and more absorbing responsibility of raising children and participating in society as mothers and fathers. Without a unifying vision like this, feminist exhortations also shrivel up into “narrow sexual proscriptions” like “No means No”, “Yes means Yes” and elaborate parsing of the meaning of affirmative consent to sexual activity.