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Category: DATING ADVICE

Ask Him Out! Here’s How.

by MONROKin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

I was 24 years old. One morning, I went to breakfast with a friend. I noticed a man with olive skin, and slightly longer hair that took my breath away. My friend said that I should say something, but I was too timid. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t eat anything; there was just something about this guy. My friend finally decided that she was going to say something. She walked over to his table and told him that her friend was interested in him. He asked “What friend?” She turned around and I had jumped the fence of the restaurant and was hiding in a clothing store next door. “Uh, she was just here, anyway, here’s her number…”

He called. We arranged to meet that night. He ended up coming to a Comedy Show I was performing at. He joined to grab a bite with all the comics afterwards and ended up picking up the entire bill. Thus began the passionate affair with a serious gentleman that lasted for the next three years. (I know this would be better if I said “ …and now we’ve been married for x years,” but it was a significant relationship and an experience that I learned a lot from.) He totally Pretty Woman’d me (except I wasn’t a prostitute, just a young, nerdy kid). Regardless, the relationship helped me bloom into the woman I am today.

That is an example of what can happen when you say something (albeit it, my friend spoke on my behalf). This was in 2006, it is now 2015, and fewer and fewer men have the gumption to approach a woman in public. The tables have turned. Women are in charge, there are now even dating apps that immediately put the ball in our court to open the conversation with a man of interest. So why not do it on the street?

How many times do you see someone in public that you find cute but are too shy to do anything about it? The next time you are on the elevator with someone that peaks your interest, or see someone at a coffee shop, just walk up to the guy and introduce yourself. What do you have to lose? It’s so easy to hide behind your computer screen or be glued to your phone that you could in fact miss an opportunity right in front of your face. Look up folks! There are men everywhere; who says we can’t speak to them? I know, it might seem super creepy and weird at first, but it’s actually not that bad. Turns out, guys are really easy to approach. THEY LOVE WOMEN and don’t mind talking to us!

I have since been helping friends have the confidence to approach men and have two relationships under my belt. Most guys think it’s sexy and a turn-on, very few feel “intimidated” by it and come on, who wants a guy that feels intimidated by a woman anyway? Confidence is always attractive regardless of gender. It shows that you aren’t afraid of failure, and that is a great quality to have in life.

How about you? Do you make the first move?

How Similar Are Your Dating Habits to Korean Daters?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Are your dating habits similar to Korean daters?

Every culture has its unique dating customs, and Korea is definitely no exception. In Korea, dating is all about showing your affection for each other – couple menus, shirts, and sneakers are everywhere, and every month has at least one special, albeit incredibly commercial, day for couples to celebrate. There’s just so much to do and experience if you’re a couple, or at least going on dates, and that’s why everyone is always looking for someone! Naturally, each and every relationship is special and unique, and there’s no guidebook to mastering the “Korean dating style.” But, if you ever find yourself getting ready for a date in Korea, nervous and clueless about what to expect, our list should give you an idea of how dating here works.

1. It’s common for your friend to set you up with someone

When in need of a date, look no further than your Korean friends. It is all about connections, and people commonly set their single friends up with each other. You’re technically going on a blind date, but at least you know (s)he’s not a creep (always a plus) and you should have something in common. In Korea, people rarely meet anyone outside their personal school or work circle unless they’re introduced by a mutual friend. Approaching people on the streets is not as common as in the West, for example, but young adults are generally more open to strangers than their parents’ generation, especially if they have had a drink or two.

2. There are two options: one for everyone, one for couples

Couple rings, shirts, sneakers, pillows, caps, underwear… You name it, Korea probably has it, and people make them look stylish, not tacky. Couples pretty much live in a fascinating parallel world of coupleness, and everyone wants to experience what it’s like to be in it. Most restaurants and cafés have menus designed specifically for couples, major attractions have romantic date packages for two, and movie theaters even offer private couches for an intimate date. For those that are not used to such couple-centric culture, this might all sound puke-inducingly sweet, but once you try everything out yourself, you realize that the couple activities are actually fun and meaningful.

3. Be prepared, and willing, to pay

It can be pretty awkward to decide who’s going to get the bill, especially if it’s your first date. While the status quo used to be that men pay for the first couple of dates (or even all of them), that is quickly changing, and women are no longer afraid to swipe their cards at the cashier. Korean couples rarely split the bill, and it’s usually the guy who gets the movie tickets, and the girl who pays for dinner afterwards. In the end, you end up paying around 50-50 or 60-40, which is what most people feel comfortable with. Some couples use money from their joint bank account for dating costs (like Hong Jong Hyun and Yura on “We Got Married”), which just makes everything a tad bit more fair and convenient.

4. Keep your phone with you at all times

Forget everything you ever learned about the ‘three day rule.’ Koreans love their smartphones with instant messaging apps and adorable emoticons, and couples will spend hours glued to their phones, chatting with their other half. Don’t be surprised if you get a text from your crush every two hours, asking what you’re doing, eating, or thinking. And remember to text back instantly, or (s)he might understand your silence as a rejection. If you like someone, don’t be afraid to send a message even if you have nothing special to say – it’s just to show that you care.

5. Anniversaries and holidays are a really big deal

Another distinctive characteristic of dating in Korea is the celebration of anniversaries, which take place every hundred days, and not just on an yearly basis. You might have seen K-pop groups and “We Got Married” couples bring out decorative cakes and gifts whenever it’s their 100th, 200th, or 1000th day together, and this is an accurate depiction of what happens in real life as well. Additionally, couples have a unique romantic holiday to celebrate on the 14th of every month. You have the traditional Valentine’s Day and White Day, but also ones like Rose Day, Wine Day, and Kiss Day. Commercial? Undoubtedly, but if you love planning romantic dinners and wrapping gifts in the cutest way possible, then you’re going to enjoy dating in Korea.

6. Hold back on the PDA

Overall, Koreans are not afraid to get touchy with close friends or family, but when it comes to public intimacy between couples, you might want to hide from judging grandmas. It’s totally acceptable to hold hands, hug, and give a gentle kiss on the lips, but try to have your passionate makeout sessions in private. While contemporary Koreans are not exactly conservative, there are still unwritten rules regarding acceptable public display of affection, and anything beyond cute pecks tends to cross the invisible line, especially in bright daylight.

7. There can be a difference between someone you date and someone you marry

It’s not uncommon for Koreans to have two “ideal types”: one you’d like to date, and one you’d like to marry. You might date a pretty girl with a wonderful personality, but if she can’t cook for her life or comes from a financially unstable family, marriage might be ruled out. Similarly, many Koreans are open to dating foreigners, but tend to be much more hesitant about interracial marriage. Naturally, there are numerous couples who unexpectedly fall in love and end up tying the knot, so don’t automatically rule out marriage with your Korean partner. Just remember that traditionally, Koreans see marriage as a union between families – not just two individuals – which means that marriage will eventually require the approval of the Korean family, and not everyone considers this when they jump into a relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Dating When You Have Children–10 Do’s and Don’ts

by Lorraine Rockin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Re-entering the dating pool after a relationship break up is not always easy, we are often emotionally bruised and battered, it is hard to trust again when you have lost faith in someone you once loved.

Nonetheless hope does spring eternal, man is a pair-bonding animal ……..   yada, yada, yada! ……..

Doing this with a child or two (or more!) in tow is even more fraught, both emotionally and parentally. I’ve been there – twice! Once with a 3 year-old and a six-year-old, and a second time when they were young teenagers.

After discussing the subject with all sorts of single parents, male and female, I have developed a list of do’s and do nots, from their experiences and my own.

1. Take it slowly, you may be delighted that you can feel something again, and excited to step out and have fun. You are most likely out of practice, try going out with a friend and exposing yourself to the new dating scene. In fact take it slowly all around, many counsellors suggest not dating for a full year after your separation/divorce or death of a spouse.

2. Date away from your own house; do not expose the children, no matter what their age, to a parade of one-night stands. (This should be obvious, but I’ve seen it done!) They will be confused, it sets a bad example, and they will lose respect for you in the process.

3. Make sure that the relationship is a “keeper” before even mentioning the new person to the kids. Either date on nights when they are at the other parent’s house, or get a sitter, and say you are meeting a new friend, which is true!

4. If you are fortunate and find a relationship which starts to develop into something serious, talk to the kids about what is happening, they are probably still hurt and confused, and no matter what needs you may have, theirs come first!

5. Introduce the new person as just a friend, keep it light and casual. Before you get too deep into the relationship watch how your date interacts with your kids. Trust your instincts, if something seems “off”, listen to it, and try to find out what is causing you discomfort. My “research subjects” told me that they had ignored this at their peril. Some said that years down the road they discovered that a seeming insignificant behaviour that they had noticed and discounted, became one of the reasons the relationship eventually failed.

6. When you have decided that this is a relationship you want to maintain, introduce the topic to the child(ren), but test the waters as you go, and keep it fairly casual. Perhaps go on a day-time date away from the house, and do something the younger generation would enjoy. If the other person has kids you might want to take both sets of kids to a museum, or amusement park as a first exposure. Tailor the activity to the kids’ ages, see how everyone interacts, and no PDA’s!

7. Never leave your children with a new date until the relationship is firmly established, and you would trust this person with your most precious possessions. Do not expect this new person in your life to be a baby-sitter, no matter how much they seem to get along with your kids. You are their parent and they are you’re This was mentioned many times by the guys especially, but unless it is an emergency don’t fall into the trap. Apart from the obvious danger of leaving your kid(s) with a relative stranger, it is an imposition unless it’s a mature relationship.

8. As in Rule number one, no sleepovers when the kids are around. This can be a problem, especially if your former spouse has already gone that route. It’s tough, but if you break up, even after months of dating you run the risk of inadvertently falling into rule #1 territory. In addition the kids may have developed some attachment to your new friend, and will be hurt if they suddenly disappear

9. Listen to your children, no matter how young they are. I cannot emphasise this too much. All my subject matter experts were clear. Verbal and non-verbal cues are there if you listen to them. I don’t want to scare anyone, but more than one parent has come to regret not listening to their kids, and having something awful happen.

10. Make sure from the beginning that your new other half understands that you are a package deal. If the relationship become serious this may be your baby’s new Step-parent. Make sure they know that you will probably always put your kid’s needs before the adult’s needs. This is tough for any new romance, but particularly if they have never had kids. You know the old adage, Love me – love my dog? Well this goes triple for kids. If you suspect that your new love (or their child) resents your children – RUN! This is almost always a recipe for disaster. It may be painful at the time, but you will be saving everyone a bucketful of pain down the road.

Of course you may have wonderful luck, and find your new “happily ever after”; you become just like the Brady Bunch, and everyone loves each other. Most people are great human beings, but we all come with baggage, and second marriages have a MUCH higher incidence of divorce than first ones. Our children are precious to us, and even though a parent should not become a recluse, and should expect to have a life of their own, if the kids aren’t happy – NO-ONE is happy!

Date with your kids in mind.

The Exclusive Talk… How and When to Have It

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

But it all took a turn when me and my friends went to the bathroom to fix our faces and they started getting in my ear about how strange it was that he and I weren’t official yet, and what a bad sign that was.

The first time I had “the talk” turned into more of a ridiculous display of exactly what not to do. I was in college and had been seeing this guy for a little over a month and had never felt so strongly for someone else, ever. We spent a ton of time together and I figured we were heading toward being “official” but it wasn’t a pressing matter on my mind, it just lingered in the depths.

That all changed one night when I introduced him to my friends for the first time. The night started out great, we had some drinks and went to a bar with some of his friends. But it all took a turn when me and my friends went to the bathroom to fix our faces and they started getting in my ear about how strange it was that he and I weren’t official yet, and what a bad sign that was. In addition to a fresh coat of powder and gloss, I left the bathroom with a giant chip on my shoulder.

Later that night, fueled by tequila and insecurity, I absolutely needed to know the status of our relationship, like right this second. As soon as he and I were alone back at his place, the tsunami brewing in my head all night came rushing forth, catching my guy completely off guard. In the end, I had no title and a severe lacking in dignity (those got washed away by a flood of drunk tears…the absolute worst kind of tears).

The relationship trudged on for some time, but the dynamic had completely changed. From then on he always felt out of my reach. I wanted to be official and he wasn’t ready. The terms of the relationship became entirely his to dictate and I anxiously waited for him to pick me, while I tried to prove that I was good enough and worthy of being his girlfriend.

Okay, so now that you’ve seen an illustration of what not to do, let’s get concrete and talk about the right way to have the relationship-defining talk.

1. Try not to have it.

That’s right, the best way to have the talk is to not! Relationships work best when you can just live in the moment and let things unfold naturally, without pressure or an agenda.

If it’s a good relationship, if you connect and genuinely get and appreciate each other, then it will just happen. And you won’t even feel that anxiety that comes from not knowing. When a guy likes you and wants to be with you, he’ll make sure you know it!

At the same time, be mindful to not act too much like his girlfriend before you actually are (this is one major mistake I made) and continue being a confident, independent woman who loves her life and doesn’t need a relationship to fill some sort of void.

2. Give it some time.

I would say wait about two to three months before getting into the title talk.

Relationships take time to develop. At first you’re just getting to know each other and seeing how well you work as a unit. The relationship I described was moving at warped speed, but even still, a month isn’t all that long.

Don’t let other people tell you how your relationship should or shouldn’t be. Every relationship is a unique experience and moves at a different rate. However, I’d say three months is a pretty universal expiration date for feeling things out. By that point, you should have an idea of where things are headed.

3. Be clear on what you want before you go in.

In my case, I wanted a committed relationship and instead settled for something that made me feel inadequate and kind of pathetic. And because I wasn’t fully clear on what I wanted, and what I would and would not settle for, I convinced myself that this non-relationship would suffice.

Before having the talk, or even getting serious with a guy you’re dating, decide what it is you really, truly want. When you recognize and admit what it is you want, you will be better able to move towards it. It is only when you’re confused and unsure that you settle for things you don’t want.
The truth is, most of the time you know what you want, you’re just afraid to admit it. Remember, you deserve to have the relationship you want and do not need to settle for the scraps someone else is willing to spare.

If what you want is a monogamous, committed relationship then there’s no shame it admitting that! Take a few days or even weeks to get clear on exactly what you want from a relationship. Let this information penetrate your being and embolden you. When you are solid in your convictions you will be able to come from a place of confidence and high self-worth, which ultimately sets the foundation for you to get what it is you want.

4. Don’t do it when you’re drunk or in an overly emotional state.

I think my story attests to this one pretty well! The fact is, men typically do not respond well when a woman is coming at them from a place of emotion. They are much more logical and pragmatic in how they approach life and problems and are much more receptive when a woman comes to them from a place of strength and reason, as opposed to a crumbling emotional mess.

If you approach him when you’re feeling especially upset or unsettled about the situation, he won’t take what you say as seriously. Instead, he might dismiss you as a typical woman being overly emotional (or worse, ask you if you’re PMS-ing).

So if you must have the talk, make sure to do it when you are strong, clear-headed, and know exactly what it is you want. Don’t let your emotions consume you; be logical and straightforward. I’m not saying emotions are a bad thing, we’re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it’s just important to remember that men aren’t wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in translation so it’s better to speak in a language he is better equipped to understand.

You should also mentally prepare yourself if you don’t get the response you want. If he says he doesn’t want to be official what will you do? Will you stay and wait it out? Walk away? Spend some time really considering the answers to these questions.

5. Do it casually.

Do not open with the dreaded “we need to talk” line. Nothing sends chills up a guy’s spine faster than those four little words and he might immediately go on the defensive, or just shut down and withdraw.

Instead, just casually say something like, “You know, for the past few months I feel like you’ve been acting like my boyfriend, is that fair to assume?” Or ask if you could introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. When it comes to these things, it’s best to just take a casual, light-hearted approach. If he really likes you, he will happily put a label on it. If he’s iffy or on the fence, he’ll stall or come up with excuses. Again, just make sure you don’t come at him from a needy or desperate place. Be a confident woman who knows she deserves an amazing, fulfilling relationship and isn’t afraid to pursue that…or walk away if a situation isn’t what she wants.

Also, this talk can only be had in person. Don’t do it via text, G-chat, or even over the phone.

6. Hear him out.

So you’ve done everything mentioned above. You approached him in a confident, direct manner and conveyed to him in your own way that you want the relationship to be official. Now it’s his turn. Let him speak and express what’s on his mind and be open to hearing his point of view, even if it’s counter to your own or isn’t what you were hoping to hear.

Don’t blame or attack him for feeling the way he does, just acknowledge what he’s saying and tell him you understand where he’s coming from (and try to do this genuinely). If you start arguing or debating the matter it means you’re pushing him farther than he’s willing to go in the relationship at this point. And if he starts to feel attacked or blamed, he’ll shut down and will be even less likely to want to make it official.

In my situation, I heard what my guy was saying and his reasoning (basically it was that he had been burned by the girl he dated right before me and needed to go slow), but I didn’t take the time to really understand where he was coming from. Instead, I came from a selfish place and let my ego get way too involved. I didn’t consider his hurt or his pain, only my own and what it said about me that he didn’t want to be my official boyfriend.

I’m not saying you should agree with what your guy’s reasons for not wanting to be official, but it is important to at least try to understand it and have an open mind.
—

There you have it, the top tips for having the talk and getting the relationship you want. I know it’s scary, but think of it this way, either you’ll get what you want or you won’t, which isn’t as fun but at least it will free you up for a guy who is on the same page.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

5 Special Tips to Create a Meaningful Valentine’s

by Christian Cintronin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

For couples this can be a relationship-defining holiday. 

I’ve spent more Valentine’s days painfully single than I’d like to admit. When you’re single, it’s easy to get distracted by all the flowers and candy you’re not getting.  The holiday is about celebrating love not candy hearts and having someone to share a meal with.  When I have had a Valentine I’ve been sure to make it special because we’re celebrating intimacy and romance. They’re more important than wasting time and money going through the motions. Here are a few ways to make your Valentine’s Day extra special:

  • Get an Original Gift – Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly Christmas. But for new couples it can be a relationship-defining holiday. For longtime couples, it can be a chance to reaffirm your connection. Why not show your love by showing your partner exactly how much you know about them? Does your partner like art? You can get them art supplies or a book of paintings by their favorite artist. How about sports? Get them a small piece of swag with their favorite sports team. Does your partner collect anything, have a unique hobby, or is a hardcore fan of something? You’ve got your gift idea right there. The old adage is it’s the thought that counts. A little thoughtfulness and effort can go a long way in getting the perfect gift. Intimate doesn’t always mean sexual. I’ve found my best luck getting gifts that truly represent the person they’re for.
  • Happy With Handmade – Establishing you have the same values is an important part of a long lasting relationship. Does your partner actually like a big spectacle? You could just as easily invest time and effort rather than cold hard cash. A really great mix-tape can show your partner your favorite music and songs you think are romantic. Bare in mind this mixed tape might look more like a CD or a playlist on a mp3 player or iPod. You could give your partner an hour-long massage with oil and candlelight. This has served me in having a really special evening. There’s also something to be said for making them a unique piece of jewelry, painting, or even a love poem. Just make sure you’re doing it inspired by your love and not by the prospect of saving a few bucks. I like to make handmade cards and share how I’m feeling. It’s a way more valuable keepsake than a store bought card.
  • Sexy Gifts – Tis the season for some sex toys. There are rarely gift-giving occasions where toys or lingerie are appropriate. But Valentine’s is that day. You may not be married but you can still invest in marital aids. Sex is a very important part of any relationship. But, these should be gifts that your partner wants not something that you’ve been dying to try. Either way, Valentine’s is a great time to invest in that special toy or outfit you’ve had your eyes on. We all strive for sex to happen on Valentine’s Day. A little spice can go a long way.
  • Plan an Outing – It’s easy to get sucked into the con of spending twice as much on a prix fix menu to eat at a restaurant you wouldn’t choose otherwise. Why not try a trip to a museum, a well-planned hike turned picnic, or even a weekend away. Hotel prices may be at their peak but a well-timed surprise weekend can be transformative both for your relationship and day-to-day life.  My friend won major points a couple of Valentine’s ago by surprising his lady with a trip to San Francisco. It was a pretty major coup for him in their relationship.
  • Collaborate – A surprise can be a really great part of any gift. But this holiday is about celebrating your relationship. Why not show your couple pride by collaborating? Talk to your partner and get a feel for what they want. Talk about ideas and plan your special day together. After all there are two parts to any couple and both should get to enjoy the day. It may be the luxury of being queer but I find that it’s best when my guy and I discuss our plans for the holiday. It’s not fair to put all your expectations on the holiday on one person, regardless of their gender. A relationship is rarely one-sided so why should a holiday about relationships be?

Valentine’s Day is a simple holiday but when you’re in a relationship it does take on a whole new meaning. I know I’ve spent many of them alone so I know my partner may need a little extra special attention. But there are also some people who are super low maintenance and may not want to make a big fuss. The trick to making the most of the holiday is to show your partner you really care. Buck the system of expectations and an overreliance on pink hearts and remind yourself to celebrate your partner. The most important tip to surviving Valentine’s Day is to show you know your partner and honor their feelings. Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

The First 12 Minutes —Do’s & Don’ts When Meeting Someone New

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Countdown to LOVE: A new survey reveals that it takes just 12 minutes to discover whether or not you like someone.

Body odour was found to be the most off-putting characteristic for six in ten hopeful singles (59 per cent), followed by bad breath (53 per cent).

Meanwhile, four in ten of us (38 per cent) get turned off if their date starts swearing – and it appears we start judging people even before we meet face-to-face.

One in 20 singles (6 per cent) research their date online by viewing their social media pages on Facebook and Twitter.

A quarter (25 per cent) of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date with a new haircut, new perfume or a manicure being cited as the most popular options for women.

You’re being judged! Singletons will be immediately judged on their smile, whether they make eye contact and their tone of voice, while swearing, bad breathe and body odor are big turn-offs.

Meanwhile one in 20 men (5 per cent) will grow designer stubble to impress on the day.

One in sixteen women (6 per cent) and one in 20 men (5 per cent) go on a diet in the lead up to a first date.

Making a good impression: A quarter of people will also make drastic changes to their appearance so they impress a potential partner on a big date

And it appears almost twice as many men are more forgiving and will offer their date a second chance after a bad first encounter.

Psychologist Donna Dawson said: ‘It is the little things you can do that will mean a lot and will put you ahead in the dating game.

‘For example, good hygiene and fresh breath reveal self-respect and consideration for others.

“Wearing clothes which make you feel both smart and comfortable will help you to relax, which in turn provides the confidence to create a great first impression.

‘Eye contact conveys sincerity and trustworthiness, and shows you are interested in the other person.

‘Human beings are programmed to return a smile so smiling, even when you are nervous, will get you and your first date off to a good start.’

A spokesperson from AXA, who commissioned the research, added: ‘That initial step in a relationship can be a nervous experience, but an important one.

‘You need to think about the little things that will mean a lot on that first date; it appears first impressions are formed very quickly!’

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

New Normals for Dating Today

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

6. Modern Dating Has… Changed Who Makes The First Move

“Modern dating has given women the chance to swipe right or left and make the first move, but it’s also hindered men from being forward. They aren’t willing to make the first move very often anymore, as they might have in the pre-internet days. Guys don’t have balls anymore.” -Madeline, 26

7- Modern Dating Is… Not Organic

“Men don’t want to settle down when they have an abundance of options, which these dating platforms provide them with. Today’s dating scene has become mainly non-organic, with people relying on apps and websites to meet potential significant others. The problem is, a large amount of Tinder users, for example, still use the app for it’s original purpose: a hookup app. But for most girls I know my age, that is not what we want out of the app.” -Meg 24

8. Modern Dating Is… Casual

“Modern dating in 2016 is fairly different than it was even just 20 years ago – modern dating today is more of a casual experience, trying out what works and what doesn’t when you’re looking to match with another person. After all, we aren’t really waiting until marriage anymore, so we have the freedom to date casually.” -Jen, 27

9. Modern Dating Is… Selfish

“It’s challenging. I feel like dating today is about ‘what’s in it for me?’ and not about the other person or ‘us.’ -Maria, 41

10. Modern Dating Means… Everything’s Fair Game

“It means anything is fair game, which sometimes means alright all rules are out and we can make them up. But it also can mean that all rules are out and no one respects anyone else’s feelings. It feels like because of technology, everyone is afraid to actually communicate. Texting and such is supposed to make it easier to talk to people, not harder. I find people hide behind technology as a way to not have to deal with these. We do google searches and stalk Facebooks, we text emojis because we’re afraid to say how we really feel, and we don’t care if we ghost someone because it’s easy to do.” -Brooke, 27

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Succeeding at Dating a Co-Worker

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

‘I realized I’d done something really, really dumb.’

“After another tearful argument on a street corner a few blocks from my office, I once again cursed myself for encouraging Ryan (not his real name) to apply for that open position at my company.

“Ryan is my ex-boyfriend, and our breakup was neither clean nor simple. But four months ago, those details didn’t seem important to me.

“Ryan had spent a year desperately searching for a job, and the idea of him stuck in the Midwest, living in his parents’ place and working unskilled jobs physically hurt to think about. He was too smart and too creative to have amassed such crippling student debt for nothing. So I hooked him up. I helped get him a job at a media company in the heart of Manhattan — something he had never even considered a real possibility.

“It wasn’t until he was all packed up and moving across the country that I realized I’d done something really, really dumb.

“There was (is) still a lot of baggage between us — stuff I just didn’t care to sort through. I was done, we’d broken up, I’d gotten a new job, moved to a new city, and was working really hard on figuring out who I was.

“But that’s the interesting thing: The thought that my life was about to get a hundred times messier was barely a blip on my radar, because I was helping Ryan get his ‘big break.’ This opportunity, and its potential to launch his career as a journalist, overshadowed whatever ‘lovers’ quarrel’ we were mired in. Screw emotional well-being, right? Just think of the résumé!

“I don’t want to sit and whine about how uncomfortable and awkward and upsetting it is to work with an ex (because it is).

“Now it’s been a few months since Ryan started his job. We don’t talk a lot because we realized that we’ve needed space to heal from our relationship, but now that space is only created by a silence, a wall and a hallway. Retrospectively, I know I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the open position to Ryan, and he probably shouldn’t have applied. First, because healing ourselves should have been a priority, second because working with exes is absolutely miserable, and third, because opportunities come more often than we give ourselves credit for.

“But sometimes the allure of a job trumps logic, and I wonder how many more personal sacrifices Ryan and I (and people in our positions) are going to make for the sake of an advanced career and dollar bills.” —Louisa Alter, Business Insider social-media intern

‘The only thing we had to do was keep it secret from the campers.’

“My boyfriend, A.J., and I met when we worked at the same summer camp in 2012.

“Being surrounded by 30 20-somethings in the middle of Wisconsin made it pretty easy to date without it being taboo — we were not nearly the only two to pair off that summer. The only thing we had to do was keep it secret from the campers. Occasionally it proved pretty difficult to keep the secret from middle-school-aged girls who decided I had a ‘crush’ on A.J.

“Having A.J. as a coworker those first few months played a major role in how our relationship continued after the summer. We could still have dates on weekends, but during the week we would sometimes only get to say hi to each other at meals or in the staff break room.

“Considering we haven’t lived in the same city since, being able to manage our time and live without seeing the other person all the time were useful skills. I’m grateful we learned how to be a couple while we were coworkers.” —Lydia Ramsey, Business Insider reporter

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Why Sex on a First Date is Passe

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

6. It advertises you to partners who consume bulk-sex

We are in a high-supply sexual economy where the price of sex, which used to be the price of courtship, has been dropped to the barrel-bottom price of one, well-worded text. And without courtship we have players and non-players in the same dating pool. People who want a healthy relationship “charge” a high price for sex: attention, care, and commitment. When you have sex on a first date, you act as a player and mostly attract like kinds.

7. First-Date-Sex makes confuses sexual chemistry and love

Many people believe that jumping into bed in the early stages of a relationship is a way to test sexual compatibility, a way to audition a man, if you will. Someone created the myth that ‘sexual chemistry’ is necessary before couples can move to a committed relationship.  If this theory were true then people who do not test out sexual chemistry before commitment should have shorter, more unhappy, relationships. But psychology professor Dean Busby and his colleagues at Brigham Young University were unable to make this connection is a study of more than 2,000 couples. People with good sexual chemistry early on did not stay together longer. He explained his results to me this way. ‘The mechanics of good sex are not particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much more complicated to figure out.’

8. Sex on the first date reinforces the sexual double standard

As much as feminism has tried to rewire men’s brains to stop thinking that there are bad girls and good girls, the truth is that much of this is hard wiring from our anthropological pasts. Men who fell for a promiscuous woman, risked spending their time and resources raising another man’s genes. The sexually double standard is alive and well in a cross section of male culture in America. When I posed the question of the double standard on my Facebook page, a wide socio-economic group of men weighed in with belief systems ripped straight from the 1950s but alive and well today. One guy summed it up this way. ‘Sure, first date sex, is a test. We see how quick we can get you in bed. The quicker you are, the less wifey material you are.’ The truth is, when men are expected to always want first date sex and women are supposed to say no, the two become opponents instead of partners. Slowing things down and growing an emotional bond first is the only way to put the sexual double standard to rest.

9. It can train you to be a cheater

Every relationship, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationship in your life. First-Date-Sex contributes to a sexual pattern that is very hard to change. Plenty of people believe that sex is a behavior that is very malleable, that sexuality can be turned on and off, like a light switch. Many of the women I spoke with while doing research for The 30-Day Love Detox, told me that they are hooking up as a way to audition mates, but they are quite sure they can be faithful when they decide to be. But research doesn’t support this. More likely is the scenario that these women (and the men they have sex with) are training their bodies to be future cheaters. We can train ourselves for most anything. And the only way to train for monogamy is to either abstain or to be monogamous.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Sabotaging a Relationship Before It Even Starts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

…And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Every girl loves the feeling of meeting someone new; feeling that inevitable spark; exchanging numbers; talking to him everyday as the excitement buds. She connects with him; she feels the proverbial connection; she has fun with him; tells all her friends he might just be ‘the one’… And then something changes, as he either starts to pull away or seem less engaged or the worst one of all, begin to ignore her…

Naturally, the way that men and women go about experiencing and processing relationships is very different. Whereas men tend to live much more in the moment and require more time, women tend to get stuck and wrapped in the tiny details and want to jump right into a relationship.

The truth of the matter is that relationships in fact are really quite simple, but sometimes a girl can drive herself insane trying to figure it all out- often losing sight of what’s really important: the actual relationship in actual time, causing a budding relationship to turn into a non-existing one.

1. Focusing on a “fantasy future”

It always starts off so perfect; the first couple of dates go smoothly and you just can’t help but get excited for the future possibilities this new guy has to offer. We begin to think of where this relationship might go and we create a whole fantasy future. As soon as a girl starts to create this fantasy future, her mind begins to focus on the possibilities making it a problem because they lose sight of the here and now. Girls become obsessed and attached to this fantasy and they can’t help but stress and worry about losing this new man, even though he isn’t something they really had to begin with! And men can sense this overzealous vibe coming off a woman and that is when the push and pull between the two begins. As he senses a girl begin to create this fantasy, the pressure ensues and he begins to back off, causing the women to panic and cling on even tighter. This sort of pressure can be a really big turn off for a man and can turn a promising relationship into a nonexistent one real quick.

So girls, don’t try to plan a wedding when the guy is still only just trying to plan the next date! Give him time to continue to get to know you and for the both of you to develop a stronger bond.

2. Questioning everything

No one likes to waste their time and risk getting their heart broken. Most women fear getting too emotionally invested in a man that will eventually break things off so they begin to wonder where the relationship is going; whereas on the other hand, men like to take it one day at a time, leaving women in a state of wonder and questioning. In these situations, sometimes women think it is best to have the “where are we” conversation only to protect their feelings, leaving the man feeling pressured and in the end, scaring him off. People also often associate pressure with desperation, insecurity and a need for control- all qualities no one is into, right?

So girls, even though it is tempting to ask a man “where are we?” for the sake of our emotional safety from the potential pain of a broken heart and because opening up to someone new is being completely vulnerable and scary, we need to realize that these are only fears and insecurities that can throw off our men. Life is full of risks and a new relationship is only part of the journey so it’s okay to be fearful. It only means that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in the pursuit of something that will hopefully end up good. Allow the relationship to naturally unfold before you let your fear ruin it!

3. Overanalyzing everything

A lot of women tend to let the thoughts in their head take over and begin to over analyze the man in front of them. Who he is, what his real intentions are, what he’s really about—women look at his behaviours and the things he says and use that as a means to measure how he feels about them. Picking apart text messages, questioning why he’s not responding, questioning what he’s up to, debating what to reply to him, replaying every little detail over and over again, turning nothing into something, and the list goes on. The most attractive woman to a guy is the one who is drama-free, the one who just goes with the flow and the one who doesn’t put so much pressure in the relationship.

The first few stages of a budding romance are the most exciting, and if you’re too wrapped up in playing emotional detective, then you won’t get to actually enjoy it! Just stay confident in yourself and trust that he does like you. And if he doesn’t, then you will find someone better who will! The more you over think and invest your time in worrying about him, the more hurt you will be if the relationship fails for whatever reason.

4. Assuming you’re “official” before actually being official

Sometimes it is very difficult for girls to keep their options open when they find Mr. Nice Guy and can’t picture themselves meeting anyone better. They think that just because they hit it off after a couple of dates, that this guy has every quality they want, and so they begin to act like his girlfriend, when in reality, they are not. Just because things are going great and he talks for hours, does not give a relationship any exclusivity! Truth of the matter is that NO man is going to ever willingly make it official and commit to a girl unless he is absolutely sure of it and wanting it. It is in a man’s natural genetics to not want to be tied down and will only commit himself to that special woman when the time is right.

So stop being over dramatic and paranoid that he’s not into you just because he likes other girl’s Instagram pictures or Snapchats with other girls. Do not make nothing into something! If he’s really into you, he will not have to ever put a doubt in your mind and the budding relationship will eventually flourish into a prosperous one!

5. Acting like your life revolves around him

One last turn-off for men is when a woman starts to spend more and more time with him, but feels as if all of a sudden he is the one and only thing going on in her life. When girls begin to abandon their friends, their hobbies and their other life priorities, men begin to see this as an obsession and again, it places too much pressure on them.

Girls need to remember that the reason this guy felt drawn to them in the first place was probably because of the great life they lived. If she abandons that then that attraction and intrigue fades as well. And giving up all these things for him and expecting him to do the same will only end up in him resenting them for reigning in on his freedom.

Do not ever let a man be the sole source of your happiness and fulfillment. Do not ever stop being the girl you were before you met him. When your man sees that you can balance both him and your other sources of happiness, he will feel that his importance is reduced, and therefore start making YOU more important.

A girl should always allow for things to just happen naturally and embrace the uncertainty. When she just enjoys being with him and makes nothing of it, her vibe will be enjoyable to be around, making him want to continue hanging out with her. But as soon as he feels you’re trying to get something out of him too soon, he will want nothing to do.

Although it is healthy to be transparent in any relationship, especially in the first stages, the true winning strategy is to just always bring your best self into the relationship and not stress over it. As soon as you start, remember that if he is truly the one, then it will work out; and if he’s not, then you’ll be free to move on toward someone that is!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How Do I Not Screw Up This Relationship!

by Carlyn Hudsonin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.” 

I spent a lot of time in my early to mid-20s being single. I hung out with my girlfriends like it was my job, focused like crazy on my career, and generally, was selfish AF. I also did a bang-up job of dating people that were far from being right for me (an ex pro skateboarder turned corn maze owner, a divorced father of four, a Jimmy John’s bicycle delivery man and a gaggle of musicians come to mind). Let’s just say the last thing I envision saying to my future children about my 20s is, “Ya know, I should have dated more people and partied just a little harder.”

But something has changed in me in the past year. I shudder to admit this, as I used to be cool and detached (I promise!),  but I finally feel ready for something more. I want to know someone, deeply, and I want to fall so hard that I may not know how to pick up the pieces at the end.

Does that make you want to vomit a little? Okay good, me too.

Here’s the scariest part: I may have actually found a person worth all of that. The first few months of my new relationship have been nothing short of incredible, and for the first time in a really long while I can’t blame any issues on “he’s not right for me,” because I kind of think he is. So now, the biggest question is, how the hell do I not screw this up?

Every single day I’m afraid that I already am, because I always have in the past. I have an aching feeling that it’s too good to be true, that he’ll figure out I’m not as great as he thinks I am, the “real” (aka “bad”) me will come out and run him off, that he’ll realize I’m inherently bad at relationships, or worse, that I’m unlovable.

With that in mind, I did a pretty cool thing last night; I created a problem from nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but, this is an area in which I excel in relationships. I’m kind of amazing at it.

It went down like this. We were drifting off to sleep when I realized we were about to go to bed without having sex, a first for us, and instead of rationalizing that it was a long day, we were exhausted, and ya know, we’re humans and not rabbits, my mind went straight to “He thinks I’m ugly and terrible in bed and he’s already bored of me and OH GOD we’re doomed.”

Naturally, I said something passive agressive, he sensed something was wrong, and I completely shut down. I turned my back to him. I played the “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” game and pouted quietly until all of sudden I realized what I was doing, and I felt terrible.

Then, a miracle happened. Instead of quietly wallowing in self-loathing, I opened up, and I talked to him. I told him how in past relationships I’d felt rejected in this way and was nervous it’d happen again. I said out loud all of the crazy things in my head, like how I push people away when they get too close, or shut people out when I feel vulnerable, and finally the big one: I’m frightened that I inevitably will or already have screwed this amazing relationship up.

But guess what? Another amazing thing happened. I didn’t scare him away. In fact, he said he felt the same and that he was terrified of ruining everything too.

I hugged him, giddily, and realized in that moment that we’re in this together, and that THIS is how you communicate with a partner. My Goddess! Why had no one told me this before?! You talk these things through *in* the moment, before you’re already distant, or breaking up, and it’s too late.

I know that we still have a long way to go. I have a great deal to learn about being a partner, and communicating, and some long-term relationship veterans may be thinking “But you’re still in the honeymoon phase! Of course it’s going well!” To which I’d say, “That’s right, suckers! It’s awesome.” Trust me, over the course of writing this I’ve already thought of 10 new and innovative ways to push him away, or convince him to run far, far away from me. But there’s one thing I’ve promised this man, and that I’ve made him promise me: If we’re going to screw this up, let it be over something real, and not from being scared.

I’ve spent so much of my adult life building up walls and protecting my heart, and for what? So that I can feel in control? So that I won’t get hurt? Sadly, the only person I’ve hurt in that process is me. I don’t want to hide behind my own bullshit anymore. I want to fall, hard. I want to love, and allow myself to be loved by this person so deeply that no matter what happens, I’ll be forever changed. And you know what? I’m ready.

What Not to Do During the First Few Dates

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Ignoring your inner voice.

If you’re wondering whether you’ve got enough in common, are truly attracted or have chemistry, most likely, this is a sign that you and your partner aren’t compatible. Be careful not to discount red flags and doubts just because it feels so good to be in the throes of passion. You may waste time in a sub-par relationship trying to make something work that just won’t.

Worrying about exclusivity and commitment.

It is common at the beginning of a relationship for people to be dating multiple partners. Online profiles are not shut down until a person knows that he or she wants to be exclusive. Until committed, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat accounts might be frequented by old flames or friends with benefits (and maybe even after you’re Facebook-official). Assume that the person you’re going out with is seeing others. Try and be easygoing about needing exclusivity or initiating a commitment discussion too early. Manage your anxiety and do your best to cope with uncertainty while you are seeing where this goes.

Whether you’ve just hooked up or you’re a few dates in, recognize that the beginnings of a relationship aren’t easy. Making snap judgments about a person or fantasizing wildly about walking down the aisle are normal, but may not help you if you act on them.

Keep the above tips in mind and try to stay cool about your feelings. Remember, you are just getting to know each other and not everyone is going to be a perfect match. That’s why it’s so special when you find “the one.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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In and Out of the Same Relationship? Here Are the Most Important Take Aways!

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, RELATIONSHIPS

According to research, the majority of people have been in an on-again/off-again relationship at some point in their life.

The 2009 study published in Personal Relationships found that 60 percent of people have, at least at some point in their life, been with someone, broke up with them, then ended up with them again — and maybe again and again and again. It’s a pattern that can be difficult to wiggle out of once it becomes a habit, even if it’s quite clear that you’re completely wrong for each other.

The problem with these relationships is that they’re not just potentially unhealthy, but they can be toxic as hell. Although things may seem fine when you’re back together, all that constant breaking up and the roller coaster of it all, takes a toll, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. There’s also the fact that, at least according to research, these types of relationships eventually end up coming to an end and not on a very pretty note either.

But while that’s the case, not all is lost. There are some things you can learn from on-again/off-again relationships, even if you don’t realize it until after the fact. Here are nine lessons these relationships have to teach us.

1. People Rarely Change

While it might not be something you want to hear, human beings are, in general, creatures of habit. It’s not that we don’t want to change or better ourselves by cleaning up some of our messy behavior, but we’re just not that great at it. It’s not a personality flaw, as much as it’s human being flaw.

2. You Don’t Know How To Feel Secure

When you’re in a relationship that is on-again/off-again, it’s hard to feel confident with not just what you have with your partner, but in how you feel about yourself. There’s a lot of second-guessing going on and it stems from the fact that your romantic relationship always feels like it’s hanging in balance and you could lose it at any given moment.

3. You Realize It’s Hard To Move On

If every time you break up with your partner, you end up with them weeks or months later, how are you supposed to move on to either someone new or give yourself time to heal? You can’t. You become to addicted to the pattern and too dependent on that person, assuming that the cycle will go on forever.

4. The Drama Isn’t It Worth

So. Not. Worth. It. Think about it: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life going through a breakup with the same person every few months for the rest of your life? You’ll look like you’re 80 when you’re only 40, because of the stress it takes on your life.

5. Old Problems Eventually Come Up

When you’re in an on-again/off-again relationship, you realize that not only do people never (or at least rarely) change, but since that’s the case, the problems that plague your relationship are likely to come up every single time you get back together. Why? Because you two haven’t changed enough to prevent them from popping up again.

6. It Really Confuses The Senses

You’re together. You’re apart. You’re crying because you’ve broken up and are sure you’ll never love again. Then you’re back together. And you’re happy. And you’re skipping through the streets. Then you break up again and you’re crying on the floor. But wait — did they just text? OK; so maybe you’ll be skipping in the streets by tomorrow again. Do you feel confused? Well, you should.

7. There’s Probably A Very Good Reason You Keep Breaking Up

The reasons why people break up runs the gamut. Sometimes love dies, sometimes you realize you’re growing in opposite directions, or maybe one of you cheated, or one of you wants to join the Peace Corps. No matter the reason for the split, you broke up for a reason, so there’s really no point and going through it all again.

8. The Makeup Sex Isn’t Worth It In The Long Run

Yes, makeup sex is great! But there’s only so many times you can break up, have makeup sex, only to break up again, for more makeup sex. It sounds good in theory, but more than anything, it’s exhausting.

9. You Don’t Have Time For This Bullsh*t

You really don’t! If someone can be with you, then be without you, then be with you again… and so on and on, that’s not what you need or deserve. You want someone who can commit and is in it to win it; not someone who thinks you’re their personal yo-yo.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Don’t Want to Fight? Tips from Couples Who Don’t

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

I sometimes like to think of these people as lucky, but really they’re just smart. They approach their relationship the right way, and because of it are extremely happy.

Likely you know at least one couple that you sometimes look at and think, “How are they so happy together all the time? Do they know a secret that I don’t?” Chances are, they might. It’s quite possible that very couple practices some habits of couples who never fight, and therefore are as happy as could be with each other. If you’re in a relationship where fighting happens every day, take a breeze through this article and check out the helpful hints as to why some couples never fight. It could end up changing the way you approach your relationship, especially if your partner is on board with making a few changes as well.

Let’s be honest — it’s doubtful there has ever in the creation of time been a long-term couple who hasn’t gotten into at least a teeny disagreement. It’s just impractical to think partners will see eye-to-eye on everything all the time. However, there are the blessed individuals who are in a relationship where varying views on things are discussed rationally, rather than through arguments. I sometimes like to think of these people as lucky, but really they’re just smart. They approach their relationship the right way, and because of it are extremely happy. They might be making us all jealous, but perhaps we can emulate what they’re doing and get to that happy place ourselves, too.

For those who want to increase that happiness in their relationships, here are six habits of couples who never fight for you and your partner to try on for size.

1. They Prioritize Each Other

Of course, having career goals and aspirations is incredibly important; however, happy couples know that they also need to make their partner something of importance in their life as well, according to Relevant Magazine.The outlet said that happy couples know that even when they’re stretched for time, the one area they won’t cut back on is spending time with their partner. As with many things in life, relationships require the right kind of nurturing.

2. They Compliment Each Other

You know what the couples who aren’t fighting are spending their words on? Compliments. First off, anyone knows getting a compliment from anyone makes you feel good (and is a mega-ego booster), but when it comes from your partner it can feel even better. According to PsychCentral.com, telling your partner how amazing they are is a bona fide way to keep you happy — and avoid unnecessary fighting. According to the article by social worker Marcia Naomi Berger, “compliments set a positive tone for collaborative discussion.” Also, it helps encourage each partner to do nice things for each other, another major bonus.

3. They Practice Forgiveness Regularly

The motto here is forgive and forget, according to Real Simple. The outlet cited forgiveness as one of the main things practiced by happy couples. It makes sense — the more you hold on to anger the more it seems to boil up, which would lead to a potentially explosive fight. Forgiving quickly and moving on seems much better all around.

4. They’re Touchy-Feely

It’s been said time and time again that couples who show affection are the happiest. According to Psychology Today, happy couples prioritize emotional and physical intimacy — even things as simple as holding hands or hugging. Happy couples, the outlet said, are the ones who often express affection in gestures (and in words, too, like the compliments we discussed).

5. They Make Sex A Regular Thing

You know when people say, “Sex isn’t everything”? Well, they are semi-correct in that it’s not everything, but it surely is important in terms of happiness. According to an analysis reported on by Reader’s Digest, 60 percent of extremely happy couples have sex three or four times a week. Yes, this includes people who have been married for decades.

6. They Communicate

Communication is top of the chain in regards to having a healthy and happy relationship — and a good way to prevent fighting, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). This communication between happy couples runs across all topics, from daily household responsibilities to personal subjects like work, to things that might seem difficult to talk about. The APA said bottling up emotions and feelings can lead to resentment (and you guessed it, big fights). Also worth noting is that those in happy and healthy relationships, according to APA, are kind when communicating, and avoid negative communication patterns like anger.

If your relationship is littered with arguments, consider implementing some of these habits as a means of cutting back the fights. You and your SO might be able to turn it all around, and reach that truly happy place where arguments rarely exist.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Game Playing in Dating – How’s That Working for You?

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE

Will men forever be commitmentphobes? Will women forever feel abandoned?

My books are gender and sexual orientation neutral. I rarely write posts for just one gender but this one is mostly for women dating men but portions of it apply to everyone.

When I was a practicing therapist working with women moving on from a relationship and getting ready to date again, I would encourage them to be a little less available than they had been in their last relationship. Women, inevitably, would say to me, “I don’t want to play games. I want to be who I am.”

Okay, well why are you an always available person? Why would anyone in his or her right mind find that attractive? (Women, believe it or not, tend to be more forgiving of no-life men even though they shouldn’t be…everyone should have a life…if you are looking for a no-life person, it’s insecurity on your part).

BUT more importantly, in pursuing this person or making sure this person likes/is attracted to YOU, you are missing all the signs that he might be a problem later on.

To break that down:

1. Having your own life and your own interests makes you an attractive person. This is true when you’re dating or when you’re married 10 years. You do not want to advertise a person with a great life who isn’t ever going to be a burden or a weepy “you never pay attention to me” girlfriend and then give it all up for a relationship. That’s bait and switch and not fair to the relationship or to you.

I am telling you that a man will hardly ever say, “What happened to the vibrant, interesting woman I met?” but he’s thinking it. Even if he seems to WANT you around all the time, the bottom line is that he really doesn’t.

If a man is going to be there for you when you really need him, you have to choose your needing him times. Do you need him when you broke a nail? When your mother said something nasty to you? When you perceived that he gave you “a look”? Or when you lose your job? It is hard in the early going to figure out if someone is going to be a good and solid partner because usually you’re not going to go to your new boyfriend with a crisis and if you do, new boyfriend will usually respond the way new boyfriends do.

But if you start with the drama and waterworks right away, over practically nothing, he might say “there there” but he’s thinking “not here, not here.” Healthy men do not want emotionally fragile women. Unhealthy men don’t either but you’re not giving him the chance to “show his face” as one or the other if you’re always going on about something.

2. If it doesn’t work out, whether next week, next year or 5 years from now, you have a life and friends and good things to go back to. So many women are left at the end of a relationship wondering what the HELL to do with herself. “I gave up my friends, my family, my classes, my hobbies to nest with Mr. Wonderful. Now Mr. Wonderful is gone and my nest is empty and so is my life.”

Yes, women want to nest but your man can fly the coop. Especially if the coop is boring and engulfing. Biologically and historically women are the nesters and men are the hunters/gatherers. But women in 2016 should be spending time outside the nest and not acting like Ms. Cave Lady waiting for Grog to bring home the bronto burgers.

3. In general, men and women bond at very different places on the bonding spectrum. This is biological and innate and nothing you can do about it. It has to do with closeness hormones like oxytocin and anti-closeness hormones like testosterone.

Based on evolutionary biology and bonding hormones, the bonding spectrum is created. The bonding spectrum goes from complete attachment to complete separation. Think of it as line that goes to 100 with 0 percent being complete separation and 100 percent being complete attachment. Women, full of oxytocin and loving attachment, bond at about 80-90 percent on the bonding spectrum.

The closer they can get to complete attachment, the better they feel (nesting). Men – lower on oxytocin and higher in testosterone and biologically wired – bond at about 50 percent on the bonding spectrum. They fear engulfment and enmeshment any higher and they fear abandonment and insignificance any lower.

Women do not get that men are NOT trying to run away. Ladies, men do want connection and they want attachment. They just want it in a different zone. Remember, men were hunters and if they were just lazing around the nest, nothing would get hunted. So biologically they are designed to be out and about to get stiff done.

So women and men just innately bond at different places (yes, there are exceptions but the average is this).

So what’s the answer? For men and women to be in complete conflict forever and ever over where on the bonding spectrum they should fall…therefore never bonding? Will men forever be commitmentphobes? Will women forever feel abandoned? No.

In Getting Back Out There, I speak about what makes a happy and healthy couple and separate hobbies, interests, friends and time apart are almost universal in happy couples.

There are plenty of couples who just naturally fall into the “come here/go away” rhythm that makes for a happy relationship. People who know, just know, that to be a happy person they need to have a happy, whole identity separate and apart from the relationship. Even if there’s marriage and kids. A happy and whole person has SOMETHING TO DO that involves her and only her outside the family unit.

But these women are not the ones that have engulfment/abandonment issues. This is for those who do: I don’t know how else to explain it but when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he WILL go higher than 50 percent…even to 80 or 90 percent…but it has to be for a finite period of time and it helps if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he’s running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.

When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly because he tried to move back to his 50 percent, he’s going to be less inclined, next time, to visit you at 80 percent and hang around the nest snuggling and cuddling on Sunday morning. If he feels warm and loving and you are getting the affection (not sex but affection) you so dearly want, it helps A LOT to appreciate it and even be the first to jump out of bed and get on with the day. Yes, I know how hard that is, but trust me, it helps a great deal.

When he is feeling less inclined, you will do the one wrong thing you can do: chase him. You will feel abandoned and unloved and run down to get him and try to DRAG him up to 80 but now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you’ll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.

I also know women who say, “Well why do I have to orchestrate all this? Why can’t he move closer to me?” Well, dear, he WILL move closer to you as long as he knows he can move away when the time comes. Even better, if he knows you will get bored with your intimacy first, he’ll be back for more in no time. And women pout and ask, “So how is this NOT a game?” It’s NOT A GAME because it recognizes that the differing bonding zones are biological and there is really no reason to try to fight it. We can march in protest, write treatises, scream from the rooftops and hope for an evolution of the not-fairer-sex but chances are it won’t happen tomorrow because you can’t overcome biological bonding by civil decree.

So why do women have to work on separation? Why can’t men work more on attachment? Because there’s really no payoff for men to be more attached. There’s nothing THERE for them on the higher end of the bonding spectrum. Even if you get them to sit around the nest, they’re going to play video games and watch football. For them nesting still involves checking out to some degree. So nesting to him is not the same as nesting to you. What is love and intimacy to you is laziness to him and do you want Mr. Lazy hanging out playing Madden 2016? No, you do not.

Even though women say they want men closer and at 80 percent, I can assure you that you do not. Ask any woman whose husband retired early and is now driving her bananas. Even if you, as a woman, wanted to be bonded and attachment at 80 percent all the time, what exactly do you do and how does it remain special? Answer: it doesn’t. You’ll both get bored and/or dysfunctional and it will be a mess.

So what is the payoff for women to work harder on being on the separation end of the spectrum? For one, when you “hang back” during dating, you get to observe this guy. Who is he? What is he all about? If you’re chasing him or trying to get him to chase you or you’re hyperventilating because he has called in the past 15 minutes, you’re never going to be able to collect objective data. Objective Data?!?! That’s not romantic!?!? No, it’s not. But being without it has led you to disaster, hasn’t it? SO COLLECT THE OBJECTIVE DATA!

Second, when you are not always trying to DRAG your guy to the closer end of the spectrum, he won’t rebel against it…and then he will WANT to be intimate and will want to get closer when you are on the higher end. So your bonding will be deeper and richer and nicer and better.

Now a caveat to this is men who purposely keep women (or several women) at arm’s length. They orchestrate this by having more than one woman or never committing fully to one woman (even if they’re married) and they dabble in the 80 percent with each woman knowing they can separate at any time. But again, HE’S orchestrating this because he doesn’t trust women and he doesn’t want to be tied to one woman. That’s a cheater. (stop calling them players and start calling them what they are–CHEATING LIARS, players makes it sound fun).

If he’s the one playing “come here/go away” you know there’s a problem. He should not be dictating YOUR availability. You should. And that includes “call me” or “we’ll go out…” blah blah. DO NOT get sucked into this early on. Do not let him call the communication shots. Do not do it. Get a grip early on otherwise you’ll be on the crappy end of a carrot on a stick.

Third, whole people have whole relationships. Healthy people have healthy relationships. Having separate issues and your own friends and time apart is HEALTHY. So if you both separate and go do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy people and whole people and when you come back together it will be BLAM! Seriously. And this starts when you’re dating and continues until you’re married 50 years. ALWAYS have your own friends, ALWAYS have your own interests, ALWAYS take time for you: alone time and time to be good to yourself, ALWAYS take some time away from the guy and the relationship that he isn’t totally crazy about (they’ll learn that it’s okay and you and him will still be okay), and ALWAYS work on yourself and the things in you that need attention. (if you have trouble being alone, you can start there).

So the idea is to not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call, text or email. Do not accept every invitation to every day. And do not act like this person is the be all end all of all time. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. Leave it good. Leave when you really want to stay longer. Don’t linger. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It’s important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It’s important to leave them wanting more.

Also if YOU leave before the guy or you start to pull away first, YOU won’t feel abandoned. If he starts to end a great evening or weekend or event earlier than you’re ready to end it, your first instinct is to get him to stay longer because you’re feeling insecure and/or abandoned. He senses your tugging and it makes him want to RUN, not walk, to his nice little “not engulfed” corner and when he’s nervous, it’s not about getting back to his 50 percent…it’s about getting to 30 or 20 or 10 percent. This is when guys disappear and women panic.

It’s very preventable unless he has BIG issues and if he does, you need to know it’s not something YOU caused. Again, another payoff to leaving early. You’ll KNOW you did nothing wrong to cause this running off craziness. It’s also important to go for 50 percent most of the time. You don’t want to make a man SO insecure that he loses his mind because they tend to do that on the lower end of the spectrum. You don’t want him to feel engulfed OR insignificant.

Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can’t just disappear completely for a long period of time…but don’t be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent.

Some romantic, truly into you guys will want you all the time, but you have to keep your own life. But not to the point where they start to feel abandoned and unimportant (dipping below that 50 percent line toward 40 and then 30 and maybe even 20! Men start to miss you and want you at 45-25, but start to think, “Screw her.” about about 20 so 20 isn’t good.) If you’re out having dinner with friends, bring him home some food. If you’re out and about, let him know you’re thinking of him, but still be out and about.

This is not a game. And you ask WHY? because to you it SOUNDS like a game. It’s not. Although the idea is to spark desire in someone else, it also gives you the bonus of having your own life (because you don’t want to pretend to go out with your friends, you want to go out with your friend) and of being able to gauge someone’s reaction to this. If a guy doesn’t want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that too. If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that. If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that. If a guy runs off to do inappropriate things when you’re not together, you want to know that. If there are red flags, you want to know that (and again, OBJECTIVE DATA GATHERING).

If you pull away or are unavailable and he never tries to pull you closer, you want to know that. You want to step back and give him the chance to show you what you mean to him. How does he respond if you’re not there? Does he turn into a demanding idiot? a control freak? or does he not give a damn? Again, you want someone in the middle…gives you the space but then says, “I miss you.” and asks, in a healthy way, for some “us” time. So the payoff for women is HUGE. Being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time actually works MORE for women than for men.

Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn’t. There is a HUGE payoff for women. A better life. More interested men. Healthier men. The ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship. Nicer and deeper intimacy. This is NOT about playing a game. It’s about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won’t commit. Take Charge Today. And don’t stop doing these things no matter how committed or how long-term the relationship is.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article