Long term relationships needs nurturing and care to keep the fire and passion burning bright like Day 1. We love these 5 tips to ignite the empowered love that drew you in to your spouse.

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Last month my daughter got married. During the ceremony, she and her husband gazed at each other adoringly and joy seemed to exude from every pore in their bodies. I found myself wondering, Have any two people ever been so in love?

Even as I squeezed the hand of my darling husband of 32 years, I felt as if I could never have been as much in love with him as my daughter was with her man on their wedding day.

Or maybe, I mused, love just looks more radiant on young faces. Could love possibly have a shelf life? Does it have “planned obsolescence,” like modern technology?

So I did a little research.

What I learned boils down to this: Even a marriage that’s about to smash up against the rocks (barring physical or emotional abuse or criminal acts) can tack its way back into calm and pleasant waters.

We’re not just talking about doing damage control. “It’s almost never too late to start the process of falling in love all over again,” says James Córdova, Ph.D., chair of Clark University’s psychology department and head of Clark’s Center for Couples & Family Research.

Taking Too Much for Granted

“One of the things that happens in long-term marriages is that the demands of everyday life steal our attention away from our partners — and paying attention to the other is crucial for happy relationships,” Córdova says. This lack of focus on your spouse slowly unravels the fabric of a solid relationship.

Sometimes the disintegration happens over a number of years, during which the couple exist in a kind of emotional limbo. Córdova notes that, statistically, it takes couples up to six years to seek help or advice after they’ve reached a tipping point. And that, he says, only increases the impact on the marriage.

Fritz Galette, Ph.D., a family therapist who hosts the weekly “Ask Dr. Fritz” on New York City’s WWRL, agrees. “By the time I see couples, they’re often in crisis,” he says. “The discontent has been festering for years.”

And yet experts believe that even in cases where the discontent has been on a low boil, there are still ways to revive the old passion.

5 Ways to Restoke the Fires of Love

Gallete and Córdova both recommend that couples in crisis seek professional help, whether from clergy or family/marriage therapists. On top of that, the following steps — first discussed and then put into practice — can help salvage a troubled marriage.

1. Act like you’re in a new relationship. Gallete recommends that couples ask each other the kinds of questions typical of new daters’ “getting to know each other” conversations.

Jill Kaplan*, whose 28-year-old marriage had been feeling flat, realized that she and her husband, Todd (names have been changed), had fallen so out of sync that the things she was doing to please him were actually annoying him. “I thought he wanted me to watch sports on TV with him,” she says. “I really didn’t always want to, but I kept it up for him.”

It took a close friend, who observed the tension in the family room, to get Jill to ask Todd if he really wanted her company. She got a surprising answer. “It turned out that he preferred not to have me there if I wasn’t into the game!” Jill says.

“That was just the first question,” she adds. “Now we’re on to which family we want to spend holidays with and what clothes the other wears that we really like. It’s like he’s my new boyfriend. It’s like I’ve discovered a favorite old outfit in my closet: Todd looks good to me and yet our relationship has the spark of something new and special.”

2. Pay attention to your spouse. One of the biggest complaints Gallete hears is that couples feel ignored by their mates. Spouses get used to one another and, over time, don’t really notice what they’re each going through.

“Sometimes people think they’re paying attention to their spouses but they really aren’t,” he says. “I advise couples to look into the other’s eyes when they’re having a conversation. It’s much easier to concentrate on someone’s words and share when your partner is looking right at you.”

Gallete also promotes an effective technique called active listening. “When one person speaks, the other can’t interrupt. He must listen completely before he says anything — and then he has to respond.”
3. Share new experiences. For years, relationship experts (and every women’s magazine) have been advising couples to set aside time for “date night.” Córdova says that going out and doing things together on a regular basis and creating romantic rituals is good for a relationship. But it’s even better to try something out of the ordinary. Get creative and step outside your comfort zone.

Gallete agrees. “Doing something new and different together, like taking tennis lessons — which is what my wife and I did recently — enhances your sense of intimacy.”

Karen and Bob Callahan, a couple who had thought their next step was divorce, breathed new life into their marriage when they reluctantly took a kayaking course together. “Neither one of us is particularly athletic, so when our pastor [whom they had seen for counseling] showed us a brochure, we both thought, Why not?” Bob says.

“Actually,” Karen adds with a laugh, “my first thought was, ‘If we both drown, it couldn’t feel as bad as how miserable I am now.’”

It turned out that kayaking didn’t take too much athletic prowess, and the two had a terrific time paddling around a local lake. “We started making up stories about the fancy houses we saw and soon we were laughing so hard we almost tipped,” Karen says. The weekend after they received their “certificate,” they booked a B&B on the lake, where they spent less time kayaking and more time just enjoying being together.

4. Be affectionate — physically and verbally. Research has established thattouch communicates a wider range of emotions than mere gestures. “The science of touch suggests that a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug or an arm around the shoulder can save a so-so marriage,” writes Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. “Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness.”

According to Córdova, however, this prescription for tenderness must also include loving language — and it needs to be heartfelt. “I love you” should be more than a reflexive recitation of syllables at the end of a phone call. Instead, say something affectionate and sweet at unexpected times.

Loving phrases can — and should — be sprinkled generously throughout your interactions. Tell your spouse he’s amazing while you’re eating dinner. Compliment your wife’s problem-solving abilities while trouble-shooting a plumbing problem.

5. Always be kind. “It’s not important whether your partner is ‘succeeding’ or ‘failing’ when your goal is to have a genuinely loving relationship,” says Córdova. “If your partner shows up late, no matter how annoyed you are, you can still respond with kindness.”

“When Bob and I began paying true attention to how we were communicating,” says Karen, “we realized that we were [venting] when we could have easily let the issue roll off our backs.”

So they tried an experiment. One Saturday they left a recorder running. “We were shocked when we listened to it later,” says Bob. “The way we were responding to each other made us cringe. It was exactly the kind of negative communication that makes people uncomfortable when they see it in others.”

To find a remedy for that habitual behavior, Bob and Karen made lists of 10 things the other did that bugged them and wrote down their usual responses. “Then we looked at each other’s lists and discussed how we could communicate our feelings without being hurtful,” says Karen.

Once you start being intentionally kind, says Córdova, “the interaction goes to a new place — the kind you would prefer in a happy marriage.”

But, he cautions, “Being kind when you’re not feeling that way takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally at first, but it can turn into a habit.”

What’s Old Is New Again

While we can’t realistically expect our long-term partner to be the exact same person we married, Córdova says, that may be a positive thing. “It’s like you have a whole new person there beside you — someone you can date, with all the benefits of already being married.” Ultimately, he adds, it’s not so much about going back to what you had before. It’s more about going forward and building something new and better suited to who you’ve each become.

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Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Find Closure on Your Own

Current thought is that closure is a myth, so banish any fantasies you might have about a happy, tearful reunion with your ex and figure out what it is you need to move on. What worked and what didn’t work in the relationship? Were there problems you feel like you should have noticed earlier on? What are the things that you’re going to miss about the other person? Is there something you really want to express to your ex now that the relationship is over? If so, can you do that while respecting the boundaries you’ve set with one another? If not, try writing a letter that you don’t intend to send–you can tear it up or burn it if you think that will help you put the past to rest. Don’t be afraid to get your self-help book on or to talk to a therapist if you think it will help.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

You’ve just lost someone that you cared about and spent a lot of time with, so take time to acknowledge that loss and express it if you feel the need. You might need a good solo cry during a movie marathon or to click through your “True Love” photo album on Facebook. Use whatever helps you to come to grips with the ending of one chapter of your life and the beginning for another. You can be as low-key or cheesy as you like: make a breakup playlist on Spotify or have a faux funeral for the relationship with your besties. Even if you feel silly, it’s important to identify, honor, and express your feelings.

Open Up to New Possibilities

Now that this relationship is over, focus on things you want to do. Whether you feel like your former flame was holding you back or just feel the need to dive into something new, moving from passive coping to active coping will help you move on with your life. Focus on your relationship with yourself for the time being, unless a Tinder hookup is part of your active coping strategy! Putting yourself in new situations and new headspace is crucial to being ready for the next step in your romantic life, whether that means embarking on a relationship with a new partner or maximizing the single life. Whatever you decide, you’ll be refreshed and ready to handle anything.

In the interest of fairness, here is a list of men’s online dating complaints that women can learn from:

• The LIST: Women have a long list of what they DON’T want in a guy. “No fakes, no players!” What, you want someone who’s not a drug addict AND who has a job? Picky, picky!
• NO Profile: Women that do not have profile info. I know you might be a private person, but no information at all makes it hard to start a conversation. “So…I see you have eyes! I do, too!”
• Over-Accentuating the Curves –-If a woman’s photo accentuates her body, one assumption is that she is not interested in a serious relationship, and another is that she might be a paid escort.

4. And lastly, Misrepresentation- when women in person are fatter/older/less attractive than their photo.

Again, I understand this complaint. Who among us has not overrated our own looks? When we are picking out our best pictures of ourselves, sometimes we don’t recognize that because the picture is ten years old, we are posting pics of someone else who we used to be. I once had a long correspondence with a man who had deep brown eyes and long, wild hair whom I called “sexy werewolf”, and when I met him, he was just a regular, non-sexy werewolf with one great photo.

Clearly neither sex has mastered the online dating experience.

The truth is that I sometimes meet guys online that I find interesting, but when they make one of these errors, I delete them. I think of these as “dealbreakers” and an indication of deeper problems, and maybe they are, but sometimes I’m just dealing with men who hadn’t spent any time dating online. These are actually the people you want to meet: men who seek out and enjoy serious relationships, and stay off the market while they’re in them. The guys who stay online for years and years, perfecting their online presence and their patter, only pausing to occasionally list what bands they’d most like to see at Coachella, are confirmed bachelors who would sooner kiss a beartrap than give a girl more than a month of their attention.

What I learned is that: the only thing that online dating really makes you good at is online dating- especially in the case of free sites, whose goal is not to pair compatible couples up, it’s to keep everyone in the mix, looking at their ads and clicking, and generating revenue, so, the only real method to online dating is to relax, honestly be yourself, and accept some mistakes in the process of meeting real people!

4. You Have Forgiven Yourself

I debated on whether to include this on the list. But, I know it in my heart of hearts to be true. We’ve all been around the block a few times, caused a few casualties and been victim to a few, too. As long as you are holding on to any guilt or resentments, it will inform your future relationships. You will either spend your time atoning for past wrongs done by you or be militantly guarding against being wronged. That’s not to say you won’t still have tinges of regret or rage at those icky memories. But accepting you might have done some dumb things or allowed dumb things to happen to you is the best way to prevent bringing your baggage with you on the Next Adventure.

5. You Listen To Your Gut

Because the truth is you ALWAYS know if they are the real deal. And I mean ALWAYS. C’mon, admit it – you know you do; you know I’m right on this. You might not know the exact whys or wherefores but you will know that something is not right. Conversely, you know when it’s right because there is ease. Things align. There is no tussling (except for, hopefully, during sexy times).

6. You Believe You Deserve Love

I thought for many years I was ready. I yearned to be in a loving committed relationship. But there was a disconnect between what I wanted and what I thought I deserved. Ask anyone what they want in a relationship and you’ll get variations on the same theme, if indeed they want one at all. Ask someone what they think they deserve and you might get something different. The more different the list is, the deeper they have to dig to uncover it – it’s difficult to admit feelings of unworthiness – then the deeper the work they have to do to unroot those beliefs. Again, believe me, I’ve uncovered it and I’m doing the work. What I wanted was the usual litany of wonderful attributes. What I thought I deserved was far less and so that is what I got for a very long time.

There are no easy answers; there are no quick fixes. But taking the focus off finding Mr. or Ms. Right and looking honestly at your stuff goes a long way. I have learned so much about myself and the way I see the world and that has helped me immeasurably in my relationship. I am so much better at seeing what is my baggage, and I try my best not to take it out on my loving, supportive boyfriend – with varying degrees of success!

It takes effort to be a good person. It’s so much easier to be selfish and self-centered and act out. Admittedly, there are no guarantees that ‘doing the work’ will yield results. However, when you find the person you want to be better for, that is a really good sign you are onto a keeper. So why not get on with the work in the meantime?

4. Make him and his contentment more important than my own:

After all, if he’s happy, than I’m happy, right? So I’ll change and compromise and force my puzzle piece to fit around his, hoping he’ll stay, and allow me to exhaust myself trying to keep him happy and interested for a long, long time.  It’s hard work, and continuing to think of sweet things I can do to make him feel good, really benefits me, in that it takes all the time and energy I could be spending furthering my own projects, making me more and more tired and resentful, and less and less interesting, autonomous, and desirable.

5. No matter what, stick it out:

When everything inside me is telling me to run far and fast, when the voice in my head is bellowing ominously “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE”, I ignore it. When he refuses, yet again, to even discuss giving an inch, letting me know that my feelings and needs have nothing to do with our relationship, I like to stick around at all costs, like old luggage, stuck in a forgotten corner until I’m useful again. Makes me feel useful, and patient, kind and forgiving, which are all traits that are appreciated and returned by a loving partner, and exploited and used up by a selfish dick.  And that, my friends, is my type of guy…

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Now, I don’t recommend you try all these tips on the first date.  I like to spread them out over a couple years, extending the misery for as long as possible.  See these tips are like barbecue sauce, the longer you let the relationship meat marinate in them, the stronger the flavor will be.  I suppose you could try the opposite, if you’re into easygoing, mutually enjoyable and beneficial connections, but where’s the fun in that?

Pitfall Three: Sharing Him

Guy returned often to Montreal, and we started to live together when he was in town. To me, this meant that we were a couple. Though he professed his love, and even wrote a couple of songs about me, I soon learned that to him I was just his girlfriend in that particular city. Just as sailors have a girl in every port, entertainers can have several.

Pitfall Four: Egos

There is an unfairness in this type of relationship that wears it down. Celebrities usually have large egos, they have to believe in themselves and their talent to get anywhere, and if they are any good, their ego is constantly being stroked; by fans, managers, producers, and anyone who wants to meet them. On the other hand, the girlfriend of a celebrity can have no ego, you are important only in private. Whenever you are together in public he belongs to his public, not you.

Pitfall Five: Unfaithfulness

It takes maturity to be able to handle the pressure of the entertainment business, and we were both in our 20s. I got tired of his unfaithfulness, and wanted a real relationship, with someone who put me first. Though I was important to him, he was not ready to make the career sacrifices that he felt would be necessary in order to placate me.

I think most girls have fantasized about dating their favorite celebrity, the reality is that it is about the most difficult relationship to maintain. Next time you hear about a celebrity break-up, try to imagine yourself sharing your significant other with their thousands of fans, their ego, and their entourage!

We were together, off and on, for three years. Though I really did love him, we went our separate ways. I discovered that I was too independent, and that I did actually have an ego that needed to be stroked, too.

We have remained friends, and he has often said that he didn’t realize at the time how important I was to him, and how good I was to him. We have made peace. I learned a lot, not the least of which was to be understanding of the lives that people in the fish-bowl of the entertainment industry live. People tend to laugh at the many break-ups and hook-ups that the Stars have, we forget that they are human too, and probably hurt almost as much as we do, when they break up.

 

Q: How long of a relationship is too long for ghosting, or suddenly ending contact with someone without notice?

A: According to Charlize Theron, two years of dating isn’t too long to stop responding to Sean Penn’s texts, calls, and desperate floral deliveries.  For most of us, this is insensitive.  Think of the golden rule.  Is this how you’d like to be treated?  Anything after five dates probably deserves some sort of goodbye.

Q: I have been speaking to a man online and he has asked me out, but I don’t feel any spark of interest.  Should I give it a shot anyway, just in case?

A: Pretending to like someone is a waste of everyone’s time.  This is what the song Cruel to be Kind is about.  If you really aren’t interested, you’re not, and that’s nobody’s fault, except for maybe his fault for wearing a wrinkled shirt in every photograph and not listening to anything besides Bel Biv Devoe.  Attraction is strange and unpredictable and that’s part of its magic.

Q: I was out with my friend and we ran into a girl I recently matched with on Tinder, but I hadn’t messaged yet.  They wound up hooking up in a bathroom.  Isn’t he in the wrong?

 A:  If you didn’t make plans with her and never met her, she’s just another stranger, and their toilet hookup is as meaningless as yours would have been.  Better luck next time!

Q:  I’m on a first date and she won’t put her phone down.  When can I leave?

A: If it’s been more than ten minutes since she’s spoken or made eye contact, see if you can pay the bill and sneak out the door without rousing her curiosity or interrupting her game of Candy Crush!