We started with genuine self-care, rather than the cotton-candy variety that they had used for years—watching too much TV and spending more time on their PDAs than talking to each other. Lois also reined in her excessive spending and lessened her time on the phone with female friends when Tim was home—admitting that it was a way of “punishing” him, as well as connecting with people she cared about. Tim put away his gadgets, was more attentive to Lois, helped around the house—instead of viewing it as “her job,” which he admitted was his way of seeking revenge on her for ignoring him at home—and stopped escaping for whole weekends at a time on golf junkets.

We then began pulling the weeds that were leeching life from their relationship. First we focused on teaching Tim to recognize when he was distancing himself from Lois. He needed to understand that he would not lose himself when he was close to her. He also had to uncover what precipitated these feelings. Once he realized that when he had an agonizing day at work he just wanted to isolate, he was able to loosen his boundaries so he was more emotionally available to Lois. When he experimented with this he realized that instead of tiring him further, being connected to Lois gave him energy and hope.

Lois had to develop a stronger sense of what she wanted and needed; and the self-trust to advocate for herself when she and Tim collided. By protecting what she valued, she was less resentful of her husband. Lois and Tim also built space in their relationship to house the hate that periodically arose, by setting aside time each week to speak honestly, but non-condemningly about what disturbed them about their spouse and the relationship. Each person listened without judgment or defensiveness to their partner’s concerns and complaints. Both felt taken more seriously and relieved that they no longer had to suppress their discontent.

I also encouraged them to reconnect with what brought them together and what they now shared and to dream together about the kind of future they wanted. In sessions and at home they focused on what inspired them during their courtship: a passion for rock-and-roll, sharing life-changing books, and social change.

They began talking about how to remake their own lives and their shared life in a way that reflected who they truly were. This included everything from what kind of work they did, to how they spent their leisure time, to where they lived and whom they socialized with. Something inspirational and unexpected occurred: their relationship became a place that cherished both of them and nourished their authenticity and autonomy while deepening their connectedness. To our surprise and delight, it was not really over.

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5. Don’t be friends

I know it’s hard because “you were so close” and “he knows you so well” but you can’t be friends, at least not right away. Getting over the death of your romantic relationship with him is going to take some grieving time. If you try to be friends right away, it’s just going to cause a lot of confusion and backpedaling. Give yourself the chance to find some closure and move on before you try to repair the friendship. Once it’s been a while and you know you won’t feel like ripping your heart out of your chest every time you see him, then you can consider getting coffee.

6. Don’t waste your time pouting

As much as we all want to stay in bed and wait for him to call and ask for you back, chances are, it’s not going to happen, and you will have wasted prime closure time. The first step is doing something that makes you feel good. Have a girl’s night, go to the gym, buy a new book, get your nails done; just do something that focuses on you. Try to make the most of this time, it’s your turn to be selfish. You will be thankful later.

7. Don’t convince yourself you are going to be alone forever

Chances are, you feel like the least wanted person on the planet at this moment, and you figure you’re destined to be a lonely old maid for the rest of your life. Here’s the thing: no matter how old you are, there is always the possibility of finding love. You will not end up alone, and this is not the end of the world. Acknowledge that this guy didn’t work out for a reason and you’ll find someone worthy of your charm in the future. Life isn’t over, so don’t let yourself give up on love.

What you 100 percent should do is…

8. Take a deep breath

It’s over, so there is no point in dwelling on it forever. You are smart, you are capable, and you have the strength to get past this little speed bump in the road of life. The future is so much brighter than you think right now. So cry because it’s over and smile because it happened. Learn from this experience, take a deep breath, and keep going.

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Think about it: Would you want to be married to someone who’s boring?

For yourself

Not only does being unique help your marriage, but it also helps you. All those interests and hobbies you used to enjoy are still enjoyable. Yeah, you might leave an event or interest a little earlier to go home to get your kids in bed. And you might not be able to do things for yourself as often in between PTA meetings, either. But you’re still able to do them. Soon you’ll start to cherish this time to go out and be yourself.

You’ll find the fun you used to have is fun you can still have. You’ll feel refreshed and recharged afterwards, and you’ll find new things about yourself you never knew existed.

When you’re happier within yourself, you’re happier in your marriage. And your spouse is happier to see you happier.

Give yourself permission to be selfish in your marriage. Do things you want to do for the sake of being you. It will help you feel more like yourself again and help with your sanity. And, ironically, it will help your marriage, too!

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Petticoats and title inheritance might no longer carry relevance in the modern dating scene, but if I won the chance to share a drink and discuss the idiosyncrasies of romance with anyone—dead or alive—I’d choose Jane Austen.

Even though our boy-meets-girl encounters barely resemble those of the regency era, I promise you, Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy types walk among us still. Ranked from most dangerous to the most heartwarming men deserving of a green light, here are six Austen archetypes you’ll surely come across IRL.

THE WILY WICKHAM — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

While maybe not the most conniving of Austen’s antagonists (that award goes to Persuasion’s Mr. Elliot, in my opinion), Pride and Prejudice’s George Wickham is downright dangerous. He’s a mix of good looks, charm, and heartless Machiavellian tendencies—yikes! Aside from being a perpetual weaver of lies, he not once, but twice lured 15-year-old girls into running away with him. Horrible, and now, very much illegal, sir.

What to watch out for: Maybe men today aren’t eloping with minors, but they have no qualms about using others for their own gain—in romantic relationships or even their friendships. Men like Wickham will go to great lengths to get what they want, and unfortunately, he’s not particularly concerned with morality.

Identifying 21st Century Wickhams isn’t easy—which makes them the most dangerous. One early sign? In your modern man, watch out for evasiveness and secrecy when talking about important things. If his stories aren’t adding up, and he gets touchy when you point this out, it might be a sign he isn’t entirely who he says he is.

THE SPINELESS WILLOUGHBY — JANE GRADE: RED ALERT!

When John Willoughby arrives on the scene in Sense and Sensibility, he sweeps Marianne off her feet—literally. Before she knows who he truly is, she has already declared her heart to him. Lo and behold, he recently fathered an illegitimate child and is fully prepared to abandon Marianne in a heartbeat, if it means big money. The promises! Oh, the promises! While Willoughby might be dashing and in love with the idea of love, he’s caught up in a rush of emotion and “plans” for the future without follow through.

What to watch out for: The world is full of men who love the chase and the early sparks of romance (I mean, who doesn’t?). But you’ve heard the phrase “too good to be true,” and Willoughbys are just that. Ultimately they lack commitment and are reckless with heart. In your modern man, watch for a pattern of over-promising and consistently under-delivering. Early signs might be flakiness—and later signs might be the classic Houdini act.

THE FLIRTATIOUS FRANK — JANE GRADE: FLASHING YELLOW

When Frank Churchill walks into Emma’s world in Austen’s Emma, he makes a concerted effort to woo her. And as the novel unfolds, he succeeds—at least a little bit. To the onlooker, it he seems like he’s smitten, considering all the time he seemingly wants to spend with her and all the banter they exchange. Yet, as the plot thickens, it turns out Frank was only flirting with Emma to hide his love for another.

Fortunately for our heroine Emma, her attachment to Frank Churchill doesn’t run deep. Still, the way her friends reacted upon hearing how he toyed with her emotions illustrates how selfish his actions were. He led on a woman for months, fully aware he could be hurting her and others along the way.

What to watch out for: Flirting is fun. But there’s a hard line between flirting and purposely manipulating feelings. People, even those as self-absorbed as Emma was early in the novel, aren’t puppets to be played with. While Frank Churchill has less sinister intentions than Mr. Wickham, flirting with Emma is merely a means to an end, clearly violating the dating commandment: Flirt unto others as you would have them flirt unto you.

While there’s no need to overthink casual flirting, if your real-life Frank is coming on pretty strong yet never wades into conversation of any real depth, it might be a sign he’s just having fun. Go ahead, enjoy the banter, but don’t expect much beyond that.

THE FORGIVABLE FERRARS — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

Romance doesn’t come easily to everyone, especially if you are Elinor Dashwood and Edward Ferrars from Sense and Sensibility. When Ferrars meets Elinor, their connection is strong. It’s clear they’re into each other, but no advances are made. Edward fades into the background, never to be heard from. Later, it’s revealed that he’s engaged to another. Hmm…odd that it never came up during their multitude of heart-to-hearts.

Admittedly, if your target of affection is as emotionally reserved as Elinor Dashwood you’re not exactly set up for success—especially if you’re on the humbler side of things. But even though Edward Ferrars wins our hearts (and the heart of Elinor) by the end, the fact that he failed in the transparency department on such a huge scale was a big blunder. Really, Edward?

What to watch out for: Today’s man can be found making many lesser and more forgivable blunders than Edward. For instance trying to play it cool without saying how he feels (“wanna hangout” vs. “let’s go out on a date”), mentioning ex-girlfriends on dates, or accidentally drinking too much and saying something weird or awkward. While you should definitely take note of these kinds of actions, keep in mind that he’s human. Don’t be like Elinor though; feel free to call him out if he says or does something that bothers you! If you’re hanging out and it feels like a date, tell him that.

THE DETERMINED DARCY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, BUT SLOW

If you’re unfamiliar with this classic tale, in the beginning of Pride and Prejudice our hunky hero, Fitzwilliam Darcy, readily snubs his eventual object of affection, Elizabeth. Talk about a rocky start. But as their paths continue to cross, he finds himself more and more enchanted with her—and after one botched proposal and several miscommunications, by the end, he goes to great lengths (and expense) to prove to her that he’s for real. It’s his humility and determination that sets him apart as the inimitable Austen man.

What to watch out for: Today we should take note of the determined Darcys out there. Once these men have committed, there’s no ambiguity as to where they stand. This can be pretty refreshing in a dating world full of flaky Frank types. But you must remember: Darcy didn’t become the man we know and love entirely on his own. It wasn’t until Lizzie challenged his prideful arrogance, and made it clear that they were on an even playing field, that he was able to become a better, more humble man.

THE DEPENDABLE KNIGHTLEY — JANE GRADE: GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!

George Knightley and Emma begin as great friends, neighbors, and technically in-laws (her sister is married to his brother). They’re close, but over the course of the story, Emma’s actions frustrate Knightley, and he can be a bit obnoxious in correcting her.

Knightley might not be as dashing as Darcy, but the established friendship that he builds with Emma is really what functional, happy relationships are all about. At the base of any romance, there needs to be a strong foundation of friendship.

What to watch out for: What I particularly love about Emma’s Knightley is that, oddly, his way of dating is surprisingly the most modern. Knightley and Emma actually know each other before he professes his love—which is something we might take for granted in the 21st century. These days, we’re not as bound by social mandates of rank and circumstance in our courting; we’re given time—often even years—to think through if someone is right for us.

Still, it can be hard open our minds and give that guy who’s a friend a real chance. If you find your “friend” wants to be taken out of the friend zone, it is definitely worth giving him a shot. He might just be your white knight.

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5) Breaking up is easier.

Your relationship was great. You and your partner shared some amazing times and the world felt like they were on the journey with you. You gave followers access to your relationship, forgetting that at the end of the day, it’s just you and your partner fighting to make your union work.

Relationships end; that’s the nature of love. But ending a relationship that was so heavily adored on social media makes it much more difficult to pick up the pieces and open a new chapter. Sharing your relationship with the world comes with consequence. You opened your union up for everyone to partake, so if you decide to part ways, be prepared for constant interrogation. Keeping your relationship private shelters you from the added drama. You can simply decide to be done with your relationship, with no questioning, no obligation, and no stress.

6) You put too much pressure on your relationship.

You don’t give people permission to idolize your relationship, but they do. Sharing every moment of your private life can put you in a position to be the prototype of real love. Suddenly, people convince themselves that they want what you have based solely on what they see online. This can be a lot of pressure on both people in the relationship. Now living to exceed the expectations of spectators, it’s easy to lose sight of what is really important, building an unbreakable bond with your partner.

Relationships are already hard work without feeling the need to impress other people. Give your relationship and your partner a stress free environment to learn, make mistakes, and evolve without feeling weighed down by the need to uphold a false image created by social media.

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My mother imparted her most valuable relationship wisdom in seven words.

When I was a little girl growing up in Brooklyn, I learned a lesson of great value from my mother. If someone said or did something unkind (a nasty person at the supermarket checkout counter, for example) my mother would say, “She must be a very unhappy person.”

She didn’t say this to make excuses; it was simply a calm observation that I translated into this advice:  “Don’t take things quite so personally; unhappiness or insecurity can make people say stupid things.  When other people act badly, it has to do with them, not with you.”

My mother’s words helped me to be less reactive, to pass on less intensity than I receive, to see people as more complex than their worst behaviors, to develop empathy, and be curious about why people do what they do.

It’s a perspective that serves me well in my work as a psychotherapist. Away from my consulting room, however, I do not always operate at this high level of maturity. It remains something to aim for.

My mother’s words are so important because we do tend to take things personally.  We also misread people’s motives all the time (We think it’s snobbery or disinterest when it’s shyness).

In the absence of facts, we are left with our fantasies (“I’m boring,” or “He doesn’t think I’m important enough to say hello to me.”)  We engage in mind-reading which, in contrast to intuition, humans have no talent for.

Remember this: Often the other person’s bad, insensitive, or hurtful behavior boils down to what my mother would say: “She must be a very unhappy person.“

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