Category: RELATIONSHIPS

It’s not that we’re not having lots of casual sex.  It’s easier to get than ever before, with a wealth of dating apps hooking up strangers based on proximity and mutual attraction.  How can hooking up for single people be so casual and worry-free, but if married people do it, it’s the end of the world?  According to some studies, Tinder is up to 30% partnered people, but the difference is they’re not admitting to it.

It’s not that we’re not cheating.  Let’s look at the math.  According to the 2014 census, there are 59 million married couples in the United States.  This website claims 38 million members, mostly in the US and Canada.  That means that out of 118 million married people, up to 30% could be members of the website.  Current statistics claim that 50% of married women cheat, and 60% of married men cheat.  How many people crowing about cheaters are cheaters themselves?

It’s not religion.  In 2015, the United States is more secular than ever before, with 8% fewer people identifying as having faith since 2010, and of course of the 70% of people who say they’re religious, clearly many of them are having affairs, unless there’s a secret pocket of 10,000 rabid pansexuals in the middle of the country, screwing everything that moves and skewing the data.

I spoke to a friend who’s involved in a polyamorous relationship, and we tried to puzzle out: how can Ashley Madison still be such a hot button today?  Why are other people’s relationships our business?  And if your marriage is good but your sex life isn’t, why not go poly?

Virginia: If your sex life is lacking but you want to stay married, instead of cheating on a website, why don’t you ask your spouse about opening up the relationship?

What is the importance of communication to a successful marriage? Oftentimes we ask why our marriage fails. Read more about the pillar to an amazing marriage: communication.

You likely don’t need to be convinced that communication is foundational to a great marriage. If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know how hard it can be to understand that person to whom you’ve pledged your life. You’ve seen molehills transformed into mountains because of miscommunication and misunderstood. You’ve experienced the frustration of feeling like you’re not being heard.

If a couple knows how to talk to and listen to one another with understanding and respect, there are few problems that can’t be overcome. On the flip side, when the communication skills are lacking, it doesn’t take much to break a marriage.As you evaluate your own relationship, here are some things to focus on.

Communication Begins with Listening

If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone who just wouldn’t listen, you know it doesn’t work too well. Instead of creating understanding and connection, it produces frustration and isolation.

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. It isn’t easy though. Sometimes we assume we understand what our mate is saying, and instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we spend the whole time plotting our response. We mentally shoot down points that they may not even be making, and we miss their point entirely.

My spouse deserves to be heard. I need to fight the temptation to “know what she is going to say.” I must be quiet, stop and listen to her – and I don’t just mean physical quietness, either. I need to refrain from mentally rehearsing my argument and really give her my full attention and focus. My undivided attention validates who she is and conveys my respect for her feelings. It gives her a sense of value, and it fosters co-operation, rather than competition, between us.

In many couples there is one person who is more verbal than the other. Two thirds of the time the woman is more verbal than the man, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. It is especially important for the talker to learn good listening skills and to give your mate the time to talk. If you feel like your spouse isn’t communicative enough, make sure you’re giving them a chance to open up. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won’t be able to share unless they are willing to fight for “air time”. That isn’t likely to happen, and instead it drives them deeper into privacy.

If you want to improve the communication in your marriage, start here. Invite your spouse to share what’s going on in their heart. Shut everything else out – the TV, the computer, the phone – and focus on them, resisting the urge to pass judgment or argue. Keep an open mind and hear out their perspective.

Make the Effort to Truly Understand

How many times have you and your spouse had an argument, only to discover that the fight could have been avoided if you had truly taken the time to understand one another? My wife and I have had times where, as we worked through an area of disagreement, we discovered that we didn’t really disagree at all…we only thought we disagreed because we were too impatient to fully understand one another.

Too often we’re just listening to the words and not really to the heart. We have to listen to the whole message. There needs to be a clear commitment to listening to what my spouse is trying to say, and to be a safe environment in which they can share their deepest feelings.

The key word here is empathy – where I’m trying to see what it‘s like to look at life through their eyes. Sure, my viewpoint is so clear to me and my position seems so right, and I’ve got my points that I want to make in this discussion. But winning the argument can’t be what it’s about. As it says in Phil. 2:3-4, “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” We’ve got to work hard to empathize; to see life from our spouse’s perspective. And when we do that, we can connect so much better because we’re stepping into their world. It feels so good to be understood.

We need to listen with more than just with our ears; we really need to go below the surface. Researchers estimate that 65% or more of our communication is non-verbal. Paying attention to body language and your spouse’s actions will help you grasp what they mean by the words they say. And the more our spouse senses that we are truly hearing them, the more secure they will feel to continue sharing at deeper levels.

The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mould, put in the effort to get to their heart. Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you’ll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Authenticity and Sensitivity

If we want to grow in our marital intimacy, it requires that we be authentic with one another. There is no place for deceit or dishonesty within marriage. The intimacy we are pursuing is one in which we are fully known, and yet fully loved.

Full transparency is risky, because it requires us to lay our heart bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. And that’s why it’s so critical to foster a sense of safety. My spouse needs to know that if she shares what’s really going on inside, I’m not going to reject her or drop the hammer on her. She also needs to know that she can take my words at face value and believe what I’m saying to her. If that trust doesn’t exist, then we have no communication.

Of course, if we are really being honest with one another, there are going to be times when we have to share our disappointments and frustrations towards one another. The key in these instances is to do it in a sensitive, positive way: to speak the truth in love. Truth should never be used to bash the other person, with the defence that “I’m just being truthful.” Truth need not be conveyed harshly; there is always a way to say things kindly. Ephesians 4:29 puts it like this: “Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it might benefit all who listen.” We need to be gentle and use words that encourage one another, and remain open to working things through in an honest but positive way.

Forgiveness

Some couples are not on the same page because they haven’t worked through issues of forgiveness. It is impossible to develop meaningful communication in a marriage apart from a willingness to freely forgive one another. Every marriage goes through tough times, and if we are going to pull through those things we have to cut each other some slack and be willing to put things behind us.

Someone put it this way: If friendship is like the bricks in the wall of your marriage, understand that the mortar is forgiveness. Forgiveness is what holds the friendship together. I tell couples when I have the privilege to marry them, “There should be nobody in this world that you will be more patient with than the one whose hand you’re holding now at the altar.” But the funny thing is, I can be the most impatient and the most unforgiving with my spouse. I’ll be gracious to other people and everyone thinks that Dave’s such a nice guy. Meantime, I don’t cut my wife and kids the slack that they deserve and they’re the ones I love the most. It needs to be the opposite.

If you are reading this and you know there are issues between you and your spouse, look each other in the eye and say “You know, we want to move on from here. We want to work things out. We want to have a great marriage.” And to forgive feely is the real secret to that. Forgive as the Lord forgave you – completely and unconditionally. As you release your spouse, you’ll discover that it is a gift to yourself as much as it is to them.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a lifelong process. There will be ups and downs – times when you’re clicking on all cylinders, and times when you feel worlds apart. But if you commit yourselves to working to understand one another, sharing yourselves transparently and forgiving through the hard times, you will have a strong foundation upon which to build a marriage that you love being a part of.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

“This couple was in their late 40s and had been married for 18 years with two kids. The husband found out that his wife was having an affair for the better part of a year with a man whom she had met in a special art study program. They both wanted to understand what happened and how they could move forward — both partners wanted to save their marriage. Trust needed to be re-established. Almost always post-affair, the other woman or man must be removed from the couple’s life. But in this case, the wife was trying to assure the husband (and me) that it was possible for her to still see this man for coffee or lunch, just as a friend. I told her, ‘If you continue to see this man in any capacity — or if you have any contact with him (email, text, Facebook) — I can guarantee you that your marriage will not survive. You need to ask yourself how such contact would be right or fair or emotionally tolerable for your husband.'” — Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage

“I was seeing a couple in their late 50s who had been married for more than 30 years. The husband had a major anger problem and was very controlling. His wife believed he had some sexual flings which he denied. She was at the end of her ropes with him and told him in the session that she couldn’t stand to see him, look at him or be near him and wanted out of the marriage. I told them quite honestly, ‘It seems the only option left for you is to go your separate ways but for everyone’s sake, please do it as amicably as possible.” — Michael Hakimi, psychologist, assistant professor at Loyola University Chicago Stritch School of Medicine

“Despite successful couples therapy with Kathy, his wife of 12 years, Jeff couldn’t shake the feeling that he should not have married on the rebound from a former girlfriend. He loved Kathy and their daughter but he could not answer with a clear ‘yes’ when she asked if he was committed for the long haul in the marriage. Kathy was confused, upset and nearing an ultimatum to commit or leave. I did everything I could with Jeff to help him look at his commitment resistance, including exploring his family of origin where he had lost his father at a young age. But he couldn’t get past his ambivalence, especially under pressure to pony up a definitive ‘I’m in it forever.’ Here’s what I said to him: ‘Jeff, you may always be ambivalent about commitment in relationships. It may just be your nature. The big question is whether this is the woman you want to be ambivalent with.’ He smiled and immediately answered ‘Yes.’ I asked why. He said, ‘Because I love Kathy and can’t imagine loving anyone more — and I love our family.’ Kathy wisely took it in — and it was enough.” — William J. Doherty, psychologist and author of Take Back Your Marriage

I adore men. I just adore them. But my relationship to the opposite sex wasn’t always so positive.

“I love you. Will you validate me? No? Screw you, asshole.” That’s how my relationships worked. I was hungry for love and validation, trying to get them from men who had nothing to give because they were also hungry.

Then I discovered that there are men who are already full. They’re overflowing with love and compassion for themselves so they’re able to be generous.

In my work as a connection and intimacy coach, I’ve had the pleasure of guiding countless men to show up more fully for themselves and their partners. I’ve seen that at every man’s core, under the defenses he uses to keep himself safe, lays a shining gem waiting to be uncovered and polished.

So for all the men out there, here’s some inspiration. The following are five ways good men have made me a better woman.

1. He knew I was real

Don’t we often go through life putting on facades, crafting our image to resemble people we think we should be like?

We hide our car selves, our bathroom selves, our alone selves, our smells and tastes. We don’t show how human we are.

We hide our sensitivity, how deeply affected we are. To admit that we need slowness, that we need to talk about that thing again because we’re still hurt, that we’re stuck and we don’t know how to fix it… To admit these things is so risky.

We’re afraid our humanness is unlovable.

A man once told me that perfection isn’t actually relatable. Because we all know our own imperfection so well, perfection in anyone else is alienating.

Another man who loved his own imperfection pleaded with me to show him mine. I put on my show for him—my new outfit, my pedicure, my perfect hair. He hardly noticed those things because he only cared about how he felt in my presence. The polished pop song didn’t touch his soul quite like the stripped down acoustic version.

He loved me to my core for no apparent reason. All of the fancy tricks I thought made me lovable barely blipped on his radar. Finally, I began to feel my own intrinsic worth.

2. He knew I was good

I spent much of my life at odds with men. I’d tiptoe around my desires, bracing for men to disapprove, to accuse me of trying to “get mine” at their expense. They’d felt taken advantage of by women and were on the defensive. It was hard to be myself with these men. I was treated as if I were harmful and that projection made its way into my identity.

Then I met a man who just knew I was good. If I hurt him, he’d assume I’d only done so out of pain or fear, never malice. He was able to see me this way because of how he treated himself: he knew he was good and he was compassionate with himself when he made his own mistakes.

Whatever we put our attention on grows, and this man’s attention on the good in me watered that seed. It isn’t that I needed someone else’s love in order to love myself. I’d just never had such a clear example of how to love oneself or anyone else.

3. He was just as self-conscious as I was

I’d always been self-conscious about my body and my sexuality. As I began to do work in the area of relationships and sex, I began to realize this was common among women. I began to see it as a woman thing—a thing we’d support each other in and normalize by comparing stories.

But one day a man let me see that it was a man thing too. He told me he was insecure about his body, that he felt it didn’t measure up to other men’s bodies. He told me he wasn’t always in the mood for sex the way he’d been taught that “real men” were. He revealed the pressure he felt to be confident about his body and have an insatiable sexual appetite; he’d learned his masculinity depended on it.

No man had ever shown me his self-consciousness in this way. A part of me that I’d thought no man could ever understand finally felt known.

4. He told me our sex didn’t feel connected

The first time a man told me our sex didn’t feel connected, I thought I would die. I figured since I was a hot girl willing to have sex with him, I’d obviously done my part and how dare he have any sort of standards beyond that? But he wanted connected sex and I had walls up. Our sex was draining for him because he could feel me performing. He made it clear that he only wanted the real me and that he wasn’t interested in the contrived version. For a woman who’d spent her whole life thinking she had to be something other than who she was, that was a big deal.

Years later, my boyfriend and I lightheartedly talk about whether our sex feels connected. If it does, great! If it doesn’t, we take it as an opportunity to find a new point of connection.

5. He would settle for nothing less than all-in.

Before meeting him, I’d always held back most of my love. I’d feared that no one would ever match my devotion so I’d never felt safe to reveal how deeply I wanted to be connected.

Our relationship started no differently, with each of us trying to prove that we were the one who wanted less. He tried to tell me it wouldn’t work this way, that it was too painful for him, but he couldn’t say what he knew he wanted: to be all-in. I interpreted his doubt as evidence that he didn’t want what I wanted, that no one ever would. We both felt hopeless. Hurt and discouraged, he broke up with me.

Months later he mustered the courage to reveal everything. He told me it hurt that we’d been hedging our bets, that we weren’t 100% invested, that we had let fear drive us.

He told me he simply couldn’t settle for less than all-in from me.

In all my life, no man had ever had the courage to ask so much of me. For the first time, I finally felt safe to let all my love out.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

2. Abstinence is not deprivation: The first thought to cross the mind of people when abstinence is mentioned is deprivation. This is not true. Deprivation is a deliberate and continuous denial of sexual intimacy. Abstinence on the other hand gives room for other forms of intimacy such as emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential intimacy to nurture relationship. In our world today, intimacy is hastily viewed in sexual lens but it is deeper than that. When you stay away from the bedroom, it gives you room to explore other forms of intimacy such as sharing and appreciating your partner’s intellect and emotion.

It improves your communication level and builds a stronger and deeper connection. Simple acts like going to cinema together, appreciating a work of art, discussing your business potential and even differing attitudes towards money, helping out in daily chores, taking a stroll in the evening just holding hands and sharing a kiss or two, are ways that can strengthen your relationship with your partner.
3. Abstinence is for a short period: Another distinguishing fact between abstinence and deprivation is the duration. While deprivation could run into months or years, abstinence is just for a limited time depending on the couple. It should never exceed 10 days, unless one is on a spiritual task. In this period of waiting, ensure that you spend quality time together by doing things you like and are interested in. But please if the urge is too hard to resist, by all means break it. It is better to break it than to give in to the wild temptation outside marriage.

With this understanding, it should be easy to embark on abstinence, knowing that at the end of the day, the result will be positive on your marriage. Like every other thing in life, excesses often lead to abuse. So let there be a time of joining and also separation to strike the right balance in your marriage. Abstinence inadvertently helps your sexual life.

Perhaps the ultimate gift one gets from abstinence is trust. When you and your partner decide to abstain from sex knowing that you do not yield to temptation outside your marriage, it shows the trust you have for each other. It gives you confidence that your partner is willing to hold on for a while without yielding to temptations. It deepens your appreciation of the love you share.
Remember intimacy is not only about sex and abstinence is not deprivation but a healthy practice to a long lasting relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

3. You settle for a man who doesn’t absolutely do it for you in bed.

When a woman is truly into a man, she’ll do almost anything for him. The idea of pleasing him fills her with joy. She craves him physically to the point where she can’t sit still with thoughts of him.
It may be true that that level of intensity doesn’t last forever, but what are you expecting down the road if your level of attraction is lukewarm from the beginning? Intimacy is the most important element of a romantic relationship. Period.

It’s the primary thing that distinguishes your relationship from all others in your life. You can have every other element with friends or family, but it’s with him that you can bare your body and soul.
And let’s be honest: if he rocks your world in the bedroom, you can easily overlook that he sometimes forgets to take out the trash.

4. You bombard us with social media and technology.

Set aside the Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media. Women need to stop creating an alternative universe — a fantasyland — if they hope to have a rewarding relationship.

Honestly, do you really think spending hours reading about other people’s trips to the grocery store, or looking at pictures of people’s pets, or reading recipes you’ll never attempt truly improves your life?

Stop watching how everyone else is living and start writing your own story, and living your own life. Every time we look over at you and you’re on Facebook, we move further away from you emotionally, every single time.

5. You fail to understand and embrace what interests the man in your life.

Not so much what, but why a particular thing interests him so much. If you can understand and embrace his interests before you get too far down the line, you’ll be able to share his passion.
If not, you’ll be embarking on a life where you both look outside the relationship for satisfaction. You’ll be existing in each others presence, but not truly living life together.

For example, his passion may be watching football games on the weekends. You may hate watching football, so why in the world would you commit to a man whose hobby will occupy your entire weekends for a good part of your life? On the flip side, if you understand and appreciate the value of why he loves football, you might have a shot.

This is my abbreviated analogy on women and relationships:

Women start relationships by figuratively offering up 100 slices of pizza to her partner. Every time a man disappoints her, it’s like removing a slice. And women are very different than men; they don’t forget disappointments (slices removed).

Eventually, so many slices have been removed that they’re ready to ask for the check on the relationship. Funny thing is, they’ll stay and watch us eat (disappoint) a ton of slices, but they’ve actually checked out on us.

The question remaining: How many slices must be removed before she literally walks out?

Ladies, don’t commit to a man if you’re down several slices right out of the gate. You’ll save yourself a ton of misery if you ask for the check early on.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Ladies, our insecurities are not our fault; we can overcome them once we recognize them. We can love our bodies and not have to worry about our looks. This can greatly reduce arguments based on insecurities.

Blowing things out of proportion

If you love each other that much why are you making a big deal out of little things? It’s as if the moment you’re in is the only thing that matters and you must solve all the problems right then. Really, it’s better to cool off, until you can apologize and think more rationally.

Try saying, “I’m experiencing irrational thoughts because my emotions are clouding my thinking. Because I love you, can you give me a little while to calm down?”

Take a moment to think about your place in the world. Do you have food and a roof over your head? Chances are you have it pretty good compared to most people. We get really disillusioned when we only experience privileged culture. We start fighting about little things and become ungrateful.

This does nothing but hurt us. If you want to have a healthy relationship, take time every day to remind yourself what you are grateful for. If you have ever experienced a time where you were stripped of the basic things you need such as a warm bed, money for food or a place to stay, it’s easy to put yourself in a place of gratitude.

If you have never experienced hardship, it’s more difficult to look at the big picture and realize you have it made. When we shift our focus from selfishness and try to think of ways to help others, we will stop critiquing each other harshly and wasting time arguing over petty small stuff. I’m just being real with you, speaking from experience and observation.

Where this kind of a relationship leads

This kind of a relationship can be extremely damaging to both people long-term if it’s not dealt with properly. When habits are created, it can lead to domestic violence or teach your children unhealthy ways of acting. No home should have arguing.

We are able to fix ourselves only, not the other person. If you can realize that, you are halfway to solving your problem. I have seen these types of relationships heal through therapy. However, people that are too proud to go to therapy can wind up emotionally handicapped and stay in this miserable reality for years after the relationship ends.

Chances are, you will continue to attract this type of relationship until you do some serious work on yourself, stop pointing the finger, and pick up the mirror.

How to deal with the situation

First of all, as I said, put down that pointing finger. Anger is a double edged sword and hurts you just as much as the other person. Take a look at your last argument; did you personally say anything hurtful? Do you think your ego is also partly the cause of these blow ups?

Unfortunately, many of us ladies, and I have been one of them, have a subconscious sense of entitlement. Not that we are bad people, but it basically is a way of behaving we are not aware of that is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot.

Entitlement is a prideful attitude that makes us think we deserve to be treated a certain way without necessarily acting in a way that would deserve that type of treatment. Sometimes we are just downright spoiled. The last argument I was in, I took some time to think about everything I was grateful for about the other person.

I thought of all the things we had to be grateful for and how we were totally blowing things out of proportion. We were focused on first world problems, not real problems.

You need to take responsibility for your words, the tone of your voice, your ego and your pettiness. Real women care about more than their nail appointment, their dinner party and their pretty purses. Real women can put petty BS aside and be really kind and humble.