LOVE Archives - Page 26 of 36 - Love TV

Category: LOVE

A Foreign Affair… How to Navigate Your Differences

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Culture involves the beliefs, behaviors and values of a particular social group. Our cultural identity may include (but is not limited to) nationality, religion, gender, race, political affiliation, ethnicity and socioeconomic class.

We are not the product of a single culture, but several cultures. For example, you may simultaneously identify as a Midwestern, working-class, Mormon, Democrat, American male of mixed Caucasian and Filipino descent. Or, you may be an affluent, Southern, Vietnamese-born female Libertarian who was raised Buddhist and converted to Catholicism later in life.

These various influences can sometimes create challenges in intimate relationships with a person from a different cultural background. For that matter, even couples from seemingly similar cultures may still have to navigate differences. For example, two middle-class, African-American Protestants may still have polar opposite political views.

Keeping Differences from Causing Division

Understand and Explore

Inter-cultural relationships provide the opportunity to gain an in-depth appreciation of other customs. Celebrate the festivities unique to your partner’s homeland or religious tradition. Spend time getting to know his/her family. Savor the foods from your partner’s native country. You don’t necessarily have to adopt all of your significant other’s cultural practices. However, willingness to understand your partner’s culture demonstrates love and respect.

Respect Differences

Legitimate cultural differences exist and should not be glossed over; however, neither should these differences be blown out of proportion. If and when differing perspectives arise, seek to understand, rather than to judge.

Look for Commonalities

While it is important to be aware of culture differences, also look for common ground. Identify similar values, preferences and interests. You don’t have to share everything with your partner; however, sharing certain core values (such as honesty, hard work, charity, etc.) can help reduce tension in your relationship.

Keep What Matters Most to You

While understanding your partner’s culture is important, you shouldn’t feel pressured to discard cherished parts of your own cultural traditions. Inter-cultural relationships require compromise but should not force one party to abandon core parts of his/her identity.

Don’t Make Assumptions

You may be dating someone from a traditionally reserved culture; however, your partner may actually be quite extroverted. Don’t let cultural stereotypes dictate your understanding of your partner. Instead, let direct knowledge of your partner (his/her personality and opinions) inform your understanding. Additionally, some aspects of your partner’s cultural identity may be more (or less) important to him/her, so learn what matters most to your partner. Carefully discuss any expectations for the relationship and/or marriage that may be influenced by your upbringing; these factors may include perspectives on gender roles, intimacy, finances and the holidays.

Be Patient

While society is generally now more accepting of inter-cultural relationships, many families still object, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship. Some parents persist in this resistance, even to the point of disowning their children. However, most families become more accepting of such relationships over time. Often, concerns about inter-cultural (and in particular, inter-racial) relationships are couched in terms of the impact on any potential children. While, even today, multiracial children may still encounter certain challenges, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that such children are likely to celebrate diversity and appreciate being brought up with the benefit of various cultures. If you initially encounter resistance from your family, try not to be too reactionary. Instead, patiently affirm to your family your respect for your partner and the specific things you value in him or her. Hopefully, they will grow to love your partner as much as you do.

Plan for the Future

Cultural differences often become more acute when it comes to getting married or having children. Once a relationship becomes serious, you may have to make important decisions about where the wedding will be held, if/where you will worship and how your children will be raised. For example, if your partner regularly attends church, but you want to continue going to synagogue, your choices might include: 1) attend your respective services alone 2) rotate the weeks you attend at each location or 3) go to both services each week together. Cultural differences can also affect parenting decisions such as discipline, helping your child define and understand his/her cultural identity and what language(s) will be spoken in the home.

Our culture is part of our worldview—and our worldview influences how we see everything, including relationships. Loving your partner means loving him/him for who he or she is and culture is a distinct part of that.

While cultural differences can introduce certain challenges, these challenges are certainly manageable within the context of respectful and supportive relationships.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Who Knew this LOVE Potion Actually Had Science to Back it Up

by zfortadminin LOVE

And previous research has shown that thinking about romantic love makes people perceive food to be sweeter.

So a simple box of chocolates could bring sweet success to future dating exploits. The only tricky part will be persuading your date to get stuck in immediately without appearing like an Agatha Christie villain who has injected cyanide into the almond surprise.

Sharing a tub of Haagen-Dazs at the cinema may be a less suspicion-inducing option.

And for those who make it beyond the first date Mairead Molloy, who founded the upmarket dating service Berkeley International, has revealed her tips for getting a relationship to the next level.

So once the chocolate has worked its (black) magic, here’s what to do next:

1) Try to hold off having a physical relationship for at least 4 dates – men don’t want to marry a girl who doesn’t provide a bit of a chase.

2) Don’t mention your ex ever in conversations with potential new partners as it is so off putting

3) Be easy, light and giggly , again men love it, and it makes them feel no pressure

4) Be mysterious and they will want you more

5) Repeated criticism, lots of expressions of contempt like sarcasm, being defensive and stonewalling , will result in communication shutting down.

6) Married, but living separately and seeing each other for 3 days over the weekend is becoming increasingly popular – the need for space amongst those over 40 is something which has become apparent

7) There is a belief that having an affair can bring the spark back into a relationship although it is a risky strategy

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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A Valentine’s First Date? Why Not! Do’s and Don’ts

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

As previously mentioned, Valentine’s Day is usually enjoyed by couples who have spent weeks/months/years together, so if you let her think that your decision to ask her out on this day was anything other than you being cool and spontaneous, she’ll likely think that you’re planning to buy her one too many drinks and take her to a drive-thru wedding chapel.

DO: Go somewhere casual.

Bars are your friends on Valentine’s Day, because the only people inhabiting them are going to be fellow singletons who actually don’t have dates, therefore making you 110% better than them.

DON’T: Go to a restaurant.

All restaurants on Valentine’s Day are going to be packed to the rafters with men and women swooning over one another, so taking a first date out for a meal will likely lead to you looking like a deer caught in headlights, unsure of how to conversate with her when you’re surrounded by people who will definitely be having sex later on.

DO: Get her a gift.

Just because you don’t really know each other doesn’t mean that you should completely ignore the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. Don’t go overboard with the gift-giving – a huge bouquet of flowers will not look good whilst awkwardly positioned on the bar – but a box of chocolates or something equally cliché will do the trick.

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7 Tips to a Fun and Sexy Valentine’s Adventure Even Without Someone Special

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

  • Eat all the chocolate!

    If you’re not a fan of chocolate, I’m afraid I can’t help you. But seriously, we’re only allotted a few times a year to be really bad about our eating habits and actually get away with it guilt free. So buy yourself some stupid, heart-shaped junk chocolate, or treat yourself to a fancy, dark chocolatey concoction and eat away!

  • Go to a museum.

    People alone at museums are actually a pretty common sight, so chances are you won’t feel like a dateless “freak.” No matter what the museum, you’re pretty much guaranteed to see some really cool, interesting, weird or unique stuff and probably learn a thing or two. This will put you a step ahead of some couples that learn nothing more on Valentine’s Day than the fact that too much pasta is not an aphrodisiac.

  • Go pet some puppies or kittens!

    Many shelters and rescues will let you in to hang out in the kitten room. If you’re a volunteer this should be no problem. If you’re not a volunteer it might be tricky, because someone coming in off the street saying, “can I pet your kittens” isn’t always a sign of a stable mind. So find a friend who might benefit from having you watch their pet for the evening. If you have a pet of your own, plan a special walk or meal for them. There’s no denying the positive effect that pets can have on people. Not to mention, who doesn’t like petting soft things?!

  • Speaking of petting soft things,

    I might be a rare being in my desire for adventure, but I think it’s fun to go solo to sex clubs. Single ladies almost always get in free and it’s a great time if you’re into it. Explore your sexual wild side in a safe environment. No need to feel pressure or obligation, no means no at these places. And it’s been my experience that because they want single gal to come back often, the people who own the club will make SURE you have the best time possible, and make your safety a priority. You could just discover things about yourself that you never knew!

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Girl Who Doesn’t Go Big On Valentine’s…How About You?

by Jennifer Ashley Greenein DATING ADVICE, LOVE

How I Arrived Here

I didn’t arrive at this anti-Cupid perspective out of nowhere, as you might have guessed.  Beneath strong points of view usually lies a ridiculous experience, or at least, so tends to be the case in my life.  There was this one guy I dated a few years ago, who I was crazy enough about to give the whole romantic Valentine’s Day thing a shot.  I decided to go all in and wore a fancy dress, got my hair blown out, and bought fancy Valentine’s Day lingerie.  I made reservations at a restaurant that was offering an overpriced 5 course Valentine’s Day menu with wine pairings and a dessert table.  I approached the day with an open mind and heart, because I figured if other women I knew enjoyed this stuff, why wouldn’t I?  I anxiously searched for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift and spent way too much money on what I eventually settled for (I don’t even remember what the heck it was, but without question I remember settling for something mediocre).  I even bought a card that said I love you, even though I hadn’t said it myself and wasn’t sure that I did.  Admirable, I know.

Out of Body Experience

Sitting there that evening at dinner across from my (then) boyfriend, I had this strange feeling that I wasn’t myself.  I was carrying out a conversation, but I didn’t feel like words were coming naturally.  I felt like I was putting on a front.  Surrounded by other couples, I was physically aware of being in that restaurant, but while I could feel the chair underneath me, I felt so aware that it wasn’t really me sitting in it.  I had succumbed to the pressures of Valentine’s Day, and it was forcing me to act like someone else.  I later realized that my physical discomfort (and sheer awkwardness) that evening were credited to me not being true to myself and trusting that perhaps it’s okay that this holiday is not one that I choose to celebrate.

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I’m Taking Valentine’s Back: A Curable Romantic

by Virginia Jonesin LOVE

I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day. You?

Growing up, I loved Valentine’s day.  I really did.  I loved writing little cards for my friends, doling out the extra big cards to the kids I REALLY was nuts about, making little candy bags, decorating a shoebox mailbox to within an inch of its life.

I loved it as an adult, getting dressed up and going out with someone special.  I would make handmade cards for my friends at work and was generally a Valentine’s weirdo.  I loved Valentine’s day for both platonic and romantic love.  I loved having an excuse for telling people I cared about them.

One year, I got up at five in the morning and drove to a white-tiled tunnel in Portland.  It would get grimy from car exhaust and you could write in it.  I wrote KENNY BE MINE with a yellow sponge mop, knowing that the same Kenny would drive past it on the way to work and wonder if it was for him.  As it turns out, most of his office knew and teased him mercilessly.  But I loved doing it.

A few years later, I got asked out on a first date on Valentine’s day.  It was such a preposterously bad idea I agreed to it, like wearing a jumpsuit to a wedding.  We went out for drinks and I said, I heard you were still married, and he said yeah, but she doesn’t live here anymore.  At the time, I gave this a pass, but today I’d say if you ask a person if they’re married and they say yes, you shouldn’t continue to see them.

We got serious very quickly and were married a year later.

Ten years later, he asked me for a divorce on Valentine’s day, because he was seeing a friend of mine and he wanted her to live in the house where I lived and he thought it might get crowded.  I felt really blindsided.  I knew we weren’t the best marriage ever, but I thought we were functional.  I had hoped it would improve, but now it wouldn’t.

So, I moved out to Los Angeles, and got a stupid haircut, and did all the stuff divorced women are supposed to do.  Dated people who were too young for me.  Lived in a fancy apartment full of other divorced ladies.  Got many pedicures, bought myself flowers.  A year later on Valentine’s day, I was in Bangkok, Thailand, and my friend wrote me an email and said, hey, how you doin’, and I said, not that bad, and she said, are your text messages turned off, and I said yeah, it’s too expensive here, and she said Oh!  Well, we’ll talk when you get home.  So, when I landed at LAX, I finally turned on my text messages and my phone started going off like a slot machine bring barrring barrring barrring and for a second I thought, am I famous for something? So, I have all these messages because everyone wants to tell me that my husband got married on Valentine’s day, to the girl he left me for, on the radio, so that pretty much everyone I knew heard it.  True to form, he had married her in about a year.  Just likes being married, I guess.

This is his third marriage, and I wish the third wife the best of luck, because, you know, he cheated on the first two!  But probably they don’t need luck, because according to his facebook posts, their love is special.

One of the first things I learned when I got divorced, is that they’re all sad.  Even your friend who bitched about her husband constantly is sad when he’s not her husband anymore, because it’s a wish that didn’t come true, and a promise they couldn’t keep- so, when someone tells you they’re getting a divorce, please keep in mind that the correct response is never- that’s great!

Another of the gifts of being divorced is that it makes everything else seem not so bad.  It’s like bombing onstage in comedy, once you’ve truly tried to share your worldview with a roomful of people who want no part of it, once you’ve been talking onstage to just sheer, thick, unadulterated silence, and you survive that, you know you can survive a lot of things.  So, every traffic ticket or lost credit card I’ve had since then, I have real perspective on, like, well, I didn’t just get unceremoniously dumped!  It could absolutely be worse.  It always can.

For several years, I have had an awful superstition about Valentine’s day, and have panicked and ended relationships around then, and have regarded with suspicion it like you might give a wary eye to the corner where you had a bad car accident- it doesn’t mean it will happen again, but now you know that it could.

It’s been six years now, and my Valentine’s day breakup doesn’t strike me as tragic anymore, it’s just annoying, more like a papercut or a stubbed toe rather than a stabbing feeling in one’s chest.  It’s not Valentine’s day’s fault.  It’s just a dumb little holiday that the Romans started when they noticed that the weather was a little warmer and all the animals around them were doing it.  I can still love my friends.  I can still share feelings with a partner.  So, this is the year I’m taking it back.  I’m going to make dumb little cards and make romantic plans.  But I’m not going out to dinner.  That’s for suckers.

My Complex Life and Lessons Around Valentine’s Day

by Kelley Lynnin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.

On Superbowl Sunday in the year 2005, my then “boyfriend”, soon to be fiance and then husband, drove a Penske moving truck with his cat in his lap and his life in boxes, from Florida to New Jersey, to begin a new life with me. We had been through a 7-year long-distance relationship together, and after saving lots of money and doing lots of planning, the love of my life decided to finally make his move and leave his friends, family, and job as an EMT in Florida.

Ten days later, it was Valentine’s Day. Our first one as a couple, living together. Don was still unpacking his 50,000 boxes and thousands of various random items, life was chaotic, and we were both still getting used to the idea of being each other’s new “roommates.”

When Valentine’s Day came, the hopeless-romantic girl part of me took over, and I guess I expected my man to do something epic. I was picturing beautiful hand-written poetry or cards, gorgeous floral bouquets, a romantic gourmet dinner made by him (even though the man couldn’t boil water, literally), spontaneous slow-dancing in our living room, chocolate-covered strawberries (my favorite) being fed to me as we gazed into each other’s eyes; the works. I don’t know why, really. Maybe all the years of this Hallmark, commercial holiday had finally gotten to me. Maybe the pressures of society and seeing endless girls getting roses at the office and none for me, played on my heart. Maybe I was so depressed and sad in past Valentine’s Days, because I pretty much never had a Valentine, that I was convinced THIS was my year to finally reap the rewards of true love and romance.

I don’t know what made me expect and picture those things, but those things were not what I got. The spontaneous dancing never happened, and the flowers never came. Instead, my guy parked himself down on the worn-out couch, let out a big sigh, and exclaimed: “Damn. I’m exhausted.” I proceeded to run into the bathroom and cry.

“How could you forget Valentine’s Day?’,I selfishly wailed to him through the door. “I wish you were more romantic. I wanted to feel special today, and you forgot.” I continued to cry for way longer than was necessary, and then I made him feel really bad and really guilty for forgetting, on our first Valentine’s Day together. Now, looking back on this moment that I am NOT proud of, this would have been the perfect opportunity for my beloved, to grab his 500 million boxes and his cat, and run screaming away from me as fast as he possibly could, and into the arms of a normal woman, who is sane. It also would have been the perfect time for him to call me out on being a total whiny bitch about nothing. But he didn’t. That is not who he was. Ever. Instead, this dear man said very sincerely and genuinely and with a bit of a smirk: “Oh boy. I think I’m in trouble here. I’m sorry, sweetie. I just moved in and I was so tired from the move, it just slipped my mind. I promise I’ll do better next year. I won’t forget. I’m sorry.”

Later that year, we got engaged, and in 2006, we got married. Him forgetting Valentine’s Day became an ongoing joke with us throughout our almost 5 years together, and each year from then on, he would get me 2 cards instead of one, 2 bags of candy instead of one, and 2 bouquets of roses instead of one – all to make up for the “one” he forgot the first time around. When we laughed about it, which was often, I would ask him why he didn’t pack up his shit and leave me right then and there, to save himself from a life of living with an unappreciative girly-bitch. He laughed it off and said: “I will admit to getting a bit peeved when you said I’m not romantic. All I could think was: ‘Not romantic? I just packed up my entire LIFE and moved to freakin’ NEW JERSEY, for you!!! Who moves to New Jersey? This place sucks! You don’t get more romantic than THAT, woman!” This theme became such an inside joke for us in our time together, that he repeated that question as part of his self-written wedding vows to me. “My love for you sometimes defies all logic. After all, who moves to New Jersey? On purpose?” Our friends and family roared with laughter.

Now, today, five and a half years after my husband’s sudden death, it is Valentine’s. I can’t help but think about all the many ways in which I have changed since losing him, and all the many things I wish like hell I could tell him I’m sorry for. Before I knew my husband, I spent way too many years being upset and sad that I didn’t have anyone on Valentine’s Day. And then I DID have someone on Valentine’s Day, FINALLY! Not only did I have someone, I had someone who changed his life for me, changed where he was living for me, took a risk on love for me. And I didn’t appreciate it. Not that first year. I was too focused on my perception of what Valentine’s Day meant, and what I should be “getting” as a result of it. The whole time, the greatest gift of my life, was sitting right there on my couch, exhausted from just moving his entire life – for me. For us. From that day forward, the entire idea of Valentine’s Day, and love itself, changed for me. I started caring less about why he didn’t spontaneously get me flowers, and started seeing all the incredible things this man did for me every single day – things that matter. Now, I’m not going to bullshit anyone here. I am STILL a hopeless romantic. I love flowers, I love spontaneous dancing in the living room, and I’m still waiting for my gourmet romantic dinner – made with love from a person who cares about me. I still get giddy and silly-happy from all of those things.

But now, I appreciate those things with a fire I can’t quite explain. When the person I have feelings for sent me roses on my birthday this past fall, I couldn’t stop smiling. I also must have thanked him 17 times, minimum. It just never feels like enough times to say thank you or show my appreciation, because I can’t ever thank my husband again for all he did for me, and that breaks my heart.

I believe, truly, that one of the ways in which the people we love who have died, stay with us, is when we take on some of their best character traits. My husband was kind, big-hearted, and appreciative and aware of doing the small things that were actually big things. I have now become this way, and I am truly thankful whenever someone does something nice for me, especially when it is unexpected. He gave that gift to me, and that piece of him has stayed inside me, literally. My husband was not “romantic” in the way that most people would define that word. He was not the type of guy that would pick up flowers for no reason, or make me dinner. (Again, he was the worst cook in the universe, and he would often joke that if anything ever happened to him on the job and he didn’t come home, he promised he would send me my own personal chef.) But looking back now, the things that my husband did on a daily basis, were absolutely beyond incredible. Everyday that I’m alive, I wish I could thank him for doing these things. I wish I could tell him how much I appreciated all of it. I am honestly not sure if I told him that enough. It feels like I didn’t, and I hate that. All I can do now, is see what’s in front of me going forward, and recognize the kinds of things someone does for you, when you are their priority. When your happiness, is their priority.

This Valentine’s Day, I would love it so much if I were to get some flowers, and I would once again appreciate them on a whole new level. I would love some chocolate-covered strawberries or a thoughtful little card, letting me know I am being thought of by someone important to me. But even more than that, I will be looking for those little things that are actually the big things – and I will feel lucky to know love like that, and to have had love like that. I miss my husband every single day of my life, and this time of year it feels more raw, because we were jut starting our life together, and now that is a life that cannot be. I cannot ever tell him that I saw and I felt all the little, big things he did for me. But I can tell you. On this upcoming Valentine’s Day, I would like to list just a few of those unromantic, romantic things, that my beautiful husband did for me, every single day.

Maybe if I tell you all, he will somehow know, that he has forever changed my definition of romance, love, and Valentine’s Day, and that I am grateful for it. Thank you.

1. Always handed me the keys to his car with a full tank of gas, and the oil checked, so that Id be safe.
2. Often left himself with NO money in his wallet before work, so that he could give his last $10 to me.
3. Reminded me that I was beautiful, often, and meant it.
4. Helped me to the bathroom, and waited on me hand and foot for a whole week, when I threw out my back.
5. Held my hair and washed my face off with a washcloth when I was puking my guts out from a bad reaction to Percacet.
6. The way he looked at me when I was performing or speaking onstage, like he was in awe of me.
7. He asked for my dad’s permission to marry me.
8. The way he would do things he didn’t want to do (like taking 8 weeks of ballroom dancing lessons so we could do a Foxtrot at our wedding reception), just to make me happy.
9. The way he made me feel safe from everything scary in the world.
10. Holding my hand and explaining things in a calm voice to me, when I would freak out on airplanes.
11. I trusted him with my life. He would have taken a bullet for me, or given his life for me. No doubt.
12. Held my hand until I was asleep, and then longer.
13. He moved his life from Florida to New Jersey, one week before Valentine’s Day, because that’s what it was going to take to be with me.

I love you, sweet husband. Thank you for changing the way I see everything.

The Bully in You: How to Choose Love Talk over Critical Talk

by Clementine Francesin LOVE

You ate ice cream today, but you were on a diet.

Critical Talk:

Things you might say to criticize yourself… “I’m such a failure.” “I can’t commit to anything.” “Why do I keep trying?” I might as well give up.” “I’m fat.”

Love Talk:

Instead of these harmful thoughts you could say, “I want ice cream. I enjoy ice cream. If I eat it once a week, the world will still turn.” “I’m not a bad person for wanting something that tastes good to me.” Diets are good, but they are no way to live. So, if we live healthier, but allow ourselves treats, at least (AT LEAST) once a week, then we can stop feeling guilty for having pleasures.

  • You dishes, but you didn’t do them today.

Critical Talk:

Things you might say to yourself…  “I never do what I say I’m going to do.” “I’m a flake.” “I’m irresponsible.”

Love Talk:

Instead of these harmful thoughts you could say, “What if I just wash one dish today?” “I don’t feel like doing any of this, but I’m going to do it anyway.” “I’m going to schedule this on a particular date and time and make it a priority.” “I’ll ask my friend to help me do it and then we’ll do it together.” If we make the things we don’t want to do our priority, by putting it in a schedule, or having our friends hold us accountable we can get things done. I have a habit of avoiding things, and then feeling bad about avoiding them, but making time for certain things can inspire you to take action.

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All This Focus on a Perfect Body and This Is What Men Are Really Looking At

by zfortadminin LOVE

  • Men should marry young, smart women, say scientists 

  • Being smart really is sexy 

  • Is the female of the species really more intelligent than the male?

Men also look for symmetry in facial and bodily features which suggests ‘stable’ genes and youthful partners. Studies have shown that men who are four to five years older than their partners are more successful

However men do like women to be curvaceous with voluptuous thighs and bottoms, and a waist that is much slimmer than their hips. Carrying a bit more weight on the thighs and the bottom suggests that a woman has stored enough fat during puberty to adequately provide for the huge requirements of a growing baby.

In fact the development of babies’ brains relies on fat supplies stripped directly from their mothers’ thighs and bottoms, especially during breastfeeding, and that the quantity of such fat supplies may directly affect a child’s intelligence and chances of survival.

It is one of the reasons why such fat is the hardest of all to shift by dieting because the body instinctively saves it.

  • If men are honest do they really prize intelligence over looks?

  • Women with hourglass figures and perfect waists ‘most attractive’

Mammals’ and primates’ bodies typically have about 5 per cent -10 per cent of fat but in human women that rises to 30 per cent on average.

This is similar to the levels seen in bears going into hibernation or whales living in cold Arctic seas. Women have traded muscle for fat so they are about a third as strong.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Love or Drugs: Do You Have an Addict Lover that Can’t Choose?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Love or Drugs?

A Hopeless Ultimatum: ‘It’s Me or the Drugs’.

When you love an addict, you spend a lot of time and energy hoping he or she will change. You probably put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. The addict may steal from you, lie to you and make promises that he doesn’t keep. He or she may disappear for days on end and neglect you or other family members, including children. The person you fell in love with doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

You may reach a point that you feel you can’t take it anymore and you threaten to leave. You issue the ultimate threat:

It’s drugs or me.

You hope he’ll choose you. You expect him to choose you. Anyone who really loved you would choose you, wouldn’t he?

It’s not that simple.

The Nature of Addiction

The nature of addiction is that the addict is obsessed with using drugs. He chases the effect provided by drugs compulsively and on a level that is far beyond his control. No matter how much he wants to choose you, he can’t.

If he could simply choose to stop, he wouldn’t be an addict.

The urge to continue to use drugs is both psychological and physical. Attempts to discontinue use result in extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, side effects. If he tries to stop, he may experience shaking, sweating or a sense of extreme panic. In some cases, discontinuing drug use abruptly can lead to seizures or death.

When an addict uses drugs over a long period of time, he experiences changes to his brain. Levels of chemicals in the brain known as neurotransmitters are altered. Not only is the pleasure center of the brain affected, but there are also changes in the way the addict learns and makes decisions.

Experiencing life under the influence of chemicals is his new normal, and life without mind-altering drugs feels terribly abnormal to him. At this point, his relationship with drugs has become the most important relationship in his life. Anything that threatens that relationship is likely to be discarded, not because he wants to choose drugs over you, but because he has to. He truly doesn’t have a choice.

He will choose drugs over everything, not just his relationship with you. Drugs will come before his job, his friends, his other family members, his church, his goals, his dreams and even his basic survival tools such as food and water. He may forget to eat and may neglect personal hygiene.

Your Role in Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Loving an addict is painful. You stand by helplessly watching your loved one destroy himself and you may feel hopeless. The more you scream, yell or threaten, the more he turns to drugs and tries to blame you. You may try to set limits and ultimatums to no avail and eventually you may decide to end the relationship if the addict won’t give up the drugs.

You are truly powerless over his addiction.

You can’t control or cure his addiction, but you may have some influence over him. Family members may join together for an intervention. If you follow through on ultimatums and threats and learn to stop enabling addictive behavior, there is a chance the addict will be willing to take steps to get help.

The most important thing you need to focus on is taking care of yourself. Put energy into focusing on your own life instead of trying to control him. Join a support group such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction, and about your own codependence.

Although it is painful, remind yourself that if the addict chooses drugs over you, it’s not personal. If addicts could choose not to use drugs, they wouldn’t be addicts.

Choosing to stay in the relationship is a personal decision. As long as you live with an active addict, you need to get help and support for yourself. Offer as much love and support to yourself as you offer to the addict. Learn to set boundaries to protect yourself, and know that his rejection of you is caused by addiction, not absence of love.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are You Compatible? Fighting and These Relationship Habits Can Tell You

by zfortadminin LOVE

3. Your Pals Are Enamored Too

Yeah, it rules if you have some overlap in the friend department. And it’s even better if your friends (who didn’t know your partner before) are now your partner’s friends, or at least in their fan club. A surefire sign of happiness is that your friends adore your partner, Cecil Carter, CEO of dating app Lov, tells Bustle.

“Your friends are likely more compatible with who you are than anyone else,” Carter says. “If your friends can quickly bond with your new partner as if they were one of the crew, it’s a great sign you two are compatible.” It stands to reason to invoke the old transitive mathematics rule (if A = B and B = C, A = C): If your friends are compatible with you, and they’re also compatible with your partner, then you and your partner should be compatible too.

4. You Fight

Shlomo Slatkin, who founded the Marriage Restoration Project with his wife Rivka, tells Bustle: “If you are fighting with your partner, it means that he/she is precisely the one for you.” Obviously, this is only true to a point, and if you’re settling in for your thrice-weekly fight, things are not OK. But a fight here and there is normal — and actually preferable, Slatkin says.

“Upon exploration, you will discover that the conflict you are experiencing is tailor-made for you — meaning you will see that beneath the surface. The issues you face with your spouse trigger your own personal past hurts and issues.” So they give you the opportunity to work through your issues, and come out the other side all-around happier and healthier. “When you can work through them in a mature and conscious way, you not only repair” your relationship, but you can also “achieve personal growth and healing.” Get some!

5. You Can Do You

And they can do them, just alongside you doing you. Whether it’s an in-tune morning or an all-around good vibe, you don’t have to alter your thang for your partner. “Your morning routine is the same and/or you are never a burden to the other person’s needs,” Caitlin K. Roberts, founder of To Be a Slut and co-founder of I’d Tap That, tells Bustle. “It feels really lovely when you can just fall into someone’s life and know that you aren’t taking up too much space in their personal time or changing their patterns,” she adds. Instead of feeling like you are changing everything up for them, you can just chill together, and “your love styles match up,” as she puts it.

“It’s great when someone looks at their partner’s gifts as a sign of affection and their partner understands receiving gifts as a sign of feeling loved,” she says. Hint: That means that your love styles match up. The same goes for “physical touch, verbal affirmations, and having things done for you.” If you’re on the same page here, and you can both “do you” in harmony, then you are good to go.

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The 7 Most Frustrating Types You’ll Meet on Dating Sites

by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

So, whether you are single because you haven’t yet found a person worthy enough to make you not single, single because you’re divorced, or single because you are widowed, like me – maybe you are considering going on these dating sites also. I suggest that you read this list first, and then have fun, but proceed with extreme caution. And if you are someone who has already been on these sites, then none of what I’m about to write below will be much of a surprise to you, but it might give you a good chuckle or you might relate to every single one of these. So here we go. These are the Top 5 most frustrating types of guys I’ve met on dating sites (and yes, these dialogues were taken from and based on actual conversations I had with actual men on these sites. Exaggeration is used for comedy purposes, but not as often as you might think. 90% of this is real):

WAAAAAY TOO FORWARD GUY:

I am guessing this is the most common type of guy that us single women run into on these sites. He starts out somewhat normal (sometimes), and then you are suddenly submerged in a conversation of his extreme forwardness, out of absolutely nowhere. It goes something like this:

Him: Hi there. Your profile picture is really pretty.

Me: Hello. Thank you, that’s really nice.

Him: Here’s my number. I don’t get on the site much, so text or call now. Chat me. Ping me. I’m home if you want to talk right now. What are your hours? Where do you live? Do you want to go out tonight? Move in with me. Marry me. Let’s have babies. Do you like babies? Do you have kids? I have 3. I’m looking for someone to be a mother figure to my kids. Can you cook? Do you like Japanese food? I just ordered some. I’ll save you the spring rolls. It will be our special thing. Call me now, babe. I really think we have a great vibe going here.

(A great vibe? What vibe? All I did was say hello! I don’t even know your damn name!!!)

WAAAAY TOO INAPPROPRIATE GUY:

These are equally as shocking and out of nowhere, and come in various forms of inappropriateness. Here are a few I have experienced along this road of dating site adventure, which usually end with me blocking the person from contacting me further:

Him: Hey sweetie. Your eyes are beautiful. Wow!

Me: Thank you so much. You have a really kind smile.

Him: I’d love to see those eyes looking up at me while you’re giving me head! (BLOCK)

Him: Good afternoon. I read your profile and really liked it. I saw that your husband died. I’m sorry for your loss.

Me: Good afternoon to you, too. It is always a good sign when someone acknowledges my husband’s death. Thank you so much for doing that. Not many do the same.

Him: No problem. Hopefully not out of line here, but did you have life insurance, or do you work? I just don’t wanna get involved with someone who can’t support themselves. Just sayin.’ (Aaaaaand …. BLOCK.)

Him: Good morning. I love your long hair. It’s really gorgeous.

Me: Hi there. Thank you for the compliment. How are you doing today?

Him: I’m fine. But I’ll be a lot better if you tell me that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, if you know what I mean.

Me: Huh?

Him: I like my women clean-shaven. Bare. Wood floor. No hair down there.

Me: Okay. I got it. Jesus. (BLOCK)

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What Men Find Sexy About You That You Would Never Guess

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

If you’re sure your man is turned off by your trackie bottoms or make-up-free-face, think again.

No Make-up

Apparently women spend more than #180,000 in a lifetime on beauty products, but Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says we don’t need to. “When a woman doesn’t wear make-up, her natural beauty is on display. “Also, some men find it a huge turn-off to kiss a woman and find that they are smeared with lipstick. Make-up can sometimes act as a barrier rather than a come-on.”

Rounded stomachs

We’ve all craved abs like Geri Halliwell’s but men actually find a potbelly attractive. Mo says: “Men like women to feel soft and curvy, so a little potbelly can be a turn-on and give a woman that natural look. “If she’s not ‘perfect’, then he doesn’t feel he has to be either.”

Wrinkles

“Wrinkles bother women more than they do men, as they feel it often spells a loss of youth,” Mo says. “Wrinkles can spell experience, which can trigger thoughts of them having great sex together – a huge turn-on for him.”

Stretch Marks

Those silvery lines are the bane of most women’s lives but some men actually like them! Mo explains: “What really does it for a man is a woman who is natural. “Stretch marks remind a man of the child they created together and her commitment to him. It is also an intimate detail of a woman’s body that only he is privy to.”

Phoning Him When You’re Drunk

After a night out with the girls, a phone call to confess how much you miss him seems like a good idea at the time. But Simon Moore, Academic Leader in Psychology at London Metropolitan University, says: “Letting people know how you feel is both reassuring and attractive. We all like compliments.”

Drinking Pints

Gone are the days when your man orders a pint, with “a half for the lady”. Simon says: “Drinking what you want and not caring what people think show that you are confident with yourself and the choices you make in life.”

Small Boobs

It’s not all about glamour models for some men. Simon says: “Small breasts are usually pert and this is an indication of youth and physical health. Men are more wired to seek signs of youth and vitality, indicators that she could bear children.”

Mismatching Underwear

Most women save the lacy stuff for special occasions and opt for comfort. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall explains: “Men love catching you in mismatching underwear because it looks like you weren’t planning on having sex, but they’ve managed to persuade you.”

Smudged Make-up

This is something that happens when we forget to take our make-up off after a night out. Surprisingly, as Paula explains: “Men find this sexy because you look like you’ve just made love. It reminds them of how great the afterglow of sex feels.”

Walking Home From a Club in Bare Feet

Heels look fabulous, but won’t feel it after dancing. Psychologist Ingrid Collins says: “Bare feet have a hint of nudity. Walking barefoot suggests naturalness and a rebel against convention, and can clue a man in to fantasies of wildness.”

Grown-out Highlights

The upkeep on highlights can be huge, but maybe you shouldn’t bother. Paula explains: “Like women, men also like a bit of rough. The unkempt roots probably remind him of the girls his mum said he should avoid – which makes them doubly attractive.”

Getting the Punchline of a Joke Wrong

We’ve all been there, sitting in the pub, everyone listening intently as you run through the latest joke you heard at the office – until you forget the ending. Mo says: “Men can be intimidated by intellectual women, so getting it wrong makes her far less intimidating and they can relax in her company. It shows vulnerability and triggers his protective instinct.”

Women Who Are Good with Kids

If you reckon your man is rolling his eyes as you play with nieces and nephews, think again. Mo explains: “It gives him visual evidence that she is patient and caring, and reminds him of his mother’s unconditional love.”

Wearing Tracksuit Bottoms and a Baggy Shirt to Bed

When we pass a certain point in our relationship, going to bed in saucy nightwear is replaced with a need for comfort. Ingrid says: “Very casual clothes suggest the woman is relaxed and confident about herself, and a man can find this very sexy.”

Muffin Top

You might think skinny jeans are impossible to wear without getting that tell-tale roll of flab over the waistband. But, according to Paula, men think a little muffin top is cute.

“The curvy shape is synonymous with fertility so the soft fleshiness is tapping directly into his unconscious evolutionary desires.”

WHAT THE GUYS SAY

Christopher Nelson, 28, a claims adjuster from Wales, says: “I think it’s really sexy when a girl is good at banter and can give back as good as she gets.”

Andrew Widdowson, 27, a plasterer from Sheffield, says: “Bed hair is so sexy. My girlfriend looks great with it, and it reminds me of the amazing night we had before!”

Andrew Wellwood, 29, a salesman from Yorkshire, says: “I love those dimples on a girl’s back just above her bum. When they lean over and I can see them, it conjures up saucy images in my head.”

Mark Spence, 30, a writer from Belfast, says: “I think the sexiest part of my girl’s body is her neck, it looks really stroke-able. There’s nothing nicer or sweeter than nuzzling into your girlfriend’s neck.”

James Village, 27, a businessman from Manchester, says: “Girls who play with the hair at the back of their head are a real turn-on. It reveals their neck, which is a really sexy place on a woman.”

Gareth Carter, 35, an IT specialist from Preston, says: “I’m into racing and love the way my girlfriend comes with me, though she’s not interested. And all without moaning – unlike me when I go shopping with her.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

10 Ways Millennials Do Relationship but Don’t Date

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

5. Dating Apps:

The method of choice among young millennials for meeting new people for sex and/or relationships. Tinder is the go to app, but others include Happn, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and, for an exclusively LGBTQ crowd, Grindr. With Tinder et al, connections can go in either one of two ways: 1)  There’s a mutual understanding that the two people want sex only — that can be explicitly said or come across through the language that’s being used (for example, “Do you wanna come over and watch Netflix?” implies sex). Or 2) actual dates are made (even though they’re not called “dates”), gone on, and repeated before the sex is had. While the goal might be a real relationship, the likelihood of that ultimately happening with Tinder is about as likely as going on a “date”…with Johnny Depp.

6. Online Personals:

OKCupid, Match, et al, are totally acceptable ways to meet people. There is no longer any stigma. Generally, online personals are used by a slightly older crowd, for more serious relationships — though online personals do still work for casual sex. The meet-ups that result from online personals may resemble more traditional dates, but again, they’re never called “dates.” Contrary to popular belief, online dating is not that different from dating in the “good old days” (i.e. the 20th century) — now there’s just technology involved.

7. Communication (or Lack Thereof):

You might think, with all of this new technology allowing people to connect  and stay in touch via websites, apps and texting, that communication about romantic expectations and assumptions might be better than ever. You’d be wrong. While these terms are widely used by this generation, they are still incredibly ambiguous, and different people have their own, different definitions. This often leads to total confusion and misunderstanding. (And that’s not even counting catfishing, the act of purposely misrepresenting yourself online in order to get attention, love, a cheap thrill, etc.)

8. Ghosting:

This is the very uncool phenomenon of disappearing on someone after you’ve “hung out” for a bit. Just dropping off the face of the earth — poof! — because you don’t want to deal with the messiness of breaking up. You figure, hey, this isn’t official, there’s nothing really actually to end, so I’m just going to pretend we never existed. No texts, no calls, no explanation, nada.  And when your INsignificant other reaches out via technology for some kind of closure, you just ignore them until they get the hint. A survey from Plenty of Fish say 80% of millennials have been ghosted. Real nice.

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How an English Editor Ended Up with a Moroccan Tribesman

by zfortadminin LOVE

Neither of us spoke the other’s primary language, and we had spent only a short time in each other’s company.

At the time, there were constant stories in the newspapers about middle-aged women going on holiday and losing their hearts to good-looking young foreigners on the hunt for a European passport and a boosted bank account.
Such women had always seemed to me to be gullible and delusional. Why would a handsome young Moroccan hook up with a 40-something Brit, other than for some kind of material gain?

But, as far as I was concerned, none of these pitfalls applied to me.
Or was I being delusional, too? Perhaps we all believe we are the exception to the rule: that we are cleverer, prettier and wiser than the rest.

Abdel is a few years younger than me, and hardly represented a sensible choice of life partner for a 44-year-old career woman who was rising up the ladder in a profession in which she’d toiled for almost 20 years.

I loved my job as publishing director for a major London house, acquiring and editing authors, nurturing their careers and creating bestsellers.

I adored the cut and thrust of negotiating seven-figure contracts, and cherished the intimacy of crafting text with my writers.

And then there was my garden flat in London, which I had just finished renovating to my great satisfaction; I had friends and family I loved. My life was busy, and appeared successful.

But there was a void at the heart of it. There was no emotional core to my life. I had been single, out of choice, for some years — after the latest ill-judged liaison had come to grief, and I had decided, officially, to give up on the whole idea of men and relationships.

I had found that many men who are initially attracted to confident, independent women soon feel threatened by their success and confidence, and start either to try to under-cut or domesticate them.

I had seen friends trapped in marriages by controlling husbands, and I had had some experience of men who showed their insecurity in unnerving ways, such as phoning me a dozen times a day, hanging around outside the office and waiting outside bars where I was meeting my girlfriends – behaviour more suited to a stalker than a partner.

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