We picked colors, cast our bridal party and selected a venue. Bridesmaids sent photos of their costumes – sorry – dresses. Family members from all over the world booked their plane tickets to see the show. And I, the director-slash-bride, had to make that none of my audience left disappointed.
I was grateful for their enthusiasm, but this wasn’t how I pictured marriage. “Remember, it’s YOUR day,” everyone said. But relatives were spending money to come out and watch us get married, so I didn’t want to ignore their expectations.
My husband and I puzzled over writing our vows, because words that made perfect sense for us might not go over well for grandma in the second row. We wrote our script and memorized it. We decorated the venue and put out refreshments. We put on our costumes and said our lines. We got a standing ovation.
Our wedding felt like a performance, because it kind of was. We all had parts to play. And technically speaking, we were already married.
Surprise.
We said was “just for the paperwork,” but our civil ceremony felt much more real than any big production. It wasn’t exactly “classy…” but neither are we!
Here’s how it really went down: We found ourselves in a tiny courthouse in Compton, CA on Friday the 13th. Nobody knew about it, so there were no guests to attend our ceremony. Instead, we paid a stranger $18 to watch us get married. Our judge spoke mostly Spanish, and her name was Delores. We barely understood what she said… but it took less than ten minutes, so we were stoked. To celebrate, we drank whiskey from a flask in the parking lot. Married.
This felt dangerous, exciting, and totally us.
But the guilt hadn’t kicked in yet. This was our little wedding. Nobody else had influenced our decision. And it all went down before we even announced our engagement, before our families asked where the “wedding” would be.
The following July, we stood in front of a crowd and said our lines while surrounded by flowers. We thought about Compton and grinned.
I loved spending time with family. We had fun dancing and eating cake. The photos were amazing, and we were beyond grateful to our families for making it all happen.
But for me, weddings are not the sacred joining of souls. Marriage is.
I’m extremely impatient, so when we first moved in and our place was bare, I wanted to fill it quickly and have it perfect immediately. And when this wasn’t happening, I got angry and stressed. I longed to live in a Pottery Barn catalogue, but instead our place still looked like an empty warehouse. There was so much to be done, but we both felt overwhelmed and unsure of where to even begin. But, as the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day…and neither was our apartment. So we decided to devote one day of the weekend focusing on just one aspect of the apartment, instead of stressing about everything all at once. This made the decorating process manageable and so much less worrisome for both of us.
The Most Important Thing <3
And finally, remembering why you moved in together in the first place, to be together, spend time together and take your relationship to the next level. Because in the end, the painting that I envisioned looking at from the sofa, knew would look beautiful hanging just the right height above the TV, would be nothing without my boyfriend cuddling by my side.
What are the reasons why we find love with the Indians?
A Jewish friend of mine remarked once, only half joking, that he believed Indians are the true Chosen People. With no offense to Moses, I had to agree. I lived in India for about three years and my husband (currently known as my husPad, thanks to his appropriating the iPad he “gave me,” — but that is another column) is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.
Before getting to “how,” let’s start with “why.” There are obvious reasons one would want to date an Indian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Indians dominate as engineers, doctors, lawyers, venture capitalists and entrepreneurs. They make up a large proportion of our graduate students — just walk around the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford or and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Indian people tend to be really good looking. According to Wikipedia*, “India holds the highest number of Miss World winners, only to be tied with Venezuela.” (*That feels a little like citing The National Enquirer but I am going to go with it.)
Most Indians are innately gracious, social creatures; they highly value friends and family and have a calendar filled with various holidays and occasions to celebrate, which they typically do with gusto. Those endless jubilant dance numbers in Bollywood movies pretty much channel the Indian soul. Moreover, Indian men love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date an Indian.
Ok, now that the stock for single Indians is up, you need to be on your game if you want to date one. If you are Indian, you can skip the rest of this post and spend the next four minutes savoring your desirability. If you are not Indian, keep reading to learn seven things that should ingratiate you with them. The first five have to do with Bollywood. Indians take Bollywood and their celebrities very seriously.
1. SRK
Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, you must have an opinion about him. He is a polarizing figure. Indians either love him or hate him.
2. Favorite actor
If you are pinched for time, you can simply claim SRK is your favorite and move on. But, if you want to take some initiative, I highly recommend you familiarize yourself with some Bollywood actors and choose a favorite. Some safe, attractive possibilities: Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan and Amitabh Bachchan. Kal Penn does not count.
3. Favorite actress
See above. You need to have a favorite. You could claim that it is Aishwarya Rai, who is familiar to most Americans, although you will then be suspect as Aishwarya, while extremely beautiful and successful, is a pain in the neck. She has a reputation for being a major diva. Better options: Rani Mukherjee or Kareena Kapoor.
4. Favorite Hindi movie
It should be obvious by now that you need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a second date. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra. One strong recommendation: “3 Idiots”. It’s a newish film with crossover appeal. Major bonus points if you suggest seeing a Hindi movie together. Most major cities have theaters that screen Bollywood films otherwise you can easily stream one through Netflix, etc.
5. Bhangra
Bhangra is the percussion-heavy music that is featured in most Bollywood films. It has an irresistible beat that will motivate even the most dance-phobic types to hit the floor. Showing an appreciation for Bhangra will score you points. Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb.
6. Food
Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing. Unless you are willing to take some serious initiative in the kitchen, plan to go out for an Indian meal. Although this can be tricky. Many Indians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Indian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you try cooking him/her a few Indian dishes. You can get the basic spices in most grocery stores. I’m happy to share a dal recipe that is unbelievably tasty. (Really, it is called “Mrs. B’s Magic Dal.”)
7. Language
Indians love when you speak their language. (Note: there are hundreds of languages spoken in India. Aside from English, Hindi is the most prevalent but not all Indians speak Hindi so you might have to determine his/her native tongue.) Before we got together, Sanjay was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Hindi to him. I got a tourist book and told him among other things, that I was missing my green socks. Now there are several iPhone apps that will give you translations. I suggest you pick up a few and break them out at an appropriate time, probably somewhere well into the second date. You don’t want your date to think that if things go south, you will resort to stalking.
Good luck and let me know how these suggestions work out. I hope Laxmi, Goddess of Prosperity, smiles on you as you endeavor to date one of her people.
Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention: one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Indian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th?” You’d find Laxmi did indeed smile upon you.
‘This shows that even in these credit crunch times, women are prepared to invest a significant amount of money to bag their perfect man.’
The study found that seven per cent of women have been on between 41 and 60 dates before finding someone to share their life with.
And one per cent women said they had been on between 61 and 80 dates before finding someone suitable.
The UKDating spokesman added: ‘Men traditionally don’t expect gifts, but this new trend for women to bring a gift certainly wins points with their date.’
The research also revealed that despite the amount spent on each date, a third of women have left halfway through after realising they had met with ‘Mr Wrong’.
One in four women will meet a man just once before deciding whether or not he is ‘the one’.
Thirty-five per cent will give a man two dates, and 16 per cent make their decision after three dates.
I started thinking about all the many, many excuses I come up with in my head to NOT go to the gym. I realized it is quite the impressive list of excuses. These are NOT embellished, and I HAVE used every single one of these reasons, at least in my brain, as a reason to NOT go to the gym. I don’t always share them out loud because they are embarrassing reasons. And, in this society of skinny girls, I should know better. I should care more. I should realize that if I want to find love again, or want people to find me desirable again as a human being, that maybe sitting around in my elastic waist black pants eating Girl Scout Tagalong cookies is not the best look. (they are amazing) But instead, I do not realize this, and I continue to not go to the gym. So here, In no particular order; are my Top 20 excuses / reasons why I can’t possibly go to the gym today:
20: It’s too hot outside. I don’t feel like getting in the car in this heat.
19: It’s too cold outside. I don’t feel like getting in the car in this cold.
18: It’s raining. I’m not going out in the rain. I might die.
17: It’s snowing. Again – I might die.
16: It’s too nice outside. Who wants to be inside a gym when it’s this beautiful out? (then I stay inside and watch My 600 Pound Life while eating a Pepperidge Farm cake right out of the box.)
15: There’s not enough gas in the car to get there. Oops. Guess I can’t go.
14: My bathing suit is still damp from last time I went. I can’t swim in a wet bathing suit!
13: There aren’t any clean towels, and they are always out of them at the gym. Looks like I’m staying home!
12: It’s a weekend day. It’s going to be SO PACKED! Screw it.
1. The conscious couple is not attached to the outcome of the relationship – growth comes first.
Not being attached to the outcome of the relationship does not mean you don’t care what happens! It also doesn’t mean that you don’t have fantasies about how the relationship will turn out.
What it means is: you’re more committed to the experience of growth than you are to making the relationship “work.”
The reality is, we’re here to grow. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.When growth stops, we automatically feel like something’s gone wrong. Because it has. Without growth, we aren’t fulfilling our soul’s purpose.
Unfortunately, relationships today tend to stifle growth more than enhance it. This is one of the main reasons we’re failing at romantic love.
We want our partners to act in a certain way, we repress ourselves to please to others, and soon enough, we feel small, oppressed and puzzled about who we’ve become. This, inevitably, makes the relationship feel like a cage that we want to break out of. But the unfortunate truth is: we’ve caged ourselves.
The conscious couple values growth more than anything else because they know this is the secret to keeping the relationship alive. Even though growth is scary (because it takes us into the unknown), the couple is willing to strive towards expansion, even at the risk of out-growing the relationship. Because of this, the relationship maintains a natural feeling of aliveness, and love between the couple does, too.
2. Each person in the relationship is committed to owning their s#*t.
Conscious couples know that we all have wounds from the past, and they understand that these wounds will inevitably be triggered, especially in a relationship. In other words, they expect to feel abandoned, trapped, rejected, overlookedand any other shitty feeling that arises when we bond closely with another person.
Most of us still believe that relationships should only feel good, and when bad feelings surface, something has gone terribly wrong. What we fail to see in this situation is that these shitty feelings stem from our own faulty patterning! These issues are not caused by our partners; they’re caused by our beliefs.
The conscious couple is willing to look at their past and current issues in relationships because they know that by facing these beliefs systems, they can evolve into a new relationship-reality. Dysfunctional patterns will dissolve, but only when we take responsibility for them, first.
Strengths: She is the most maternal and nurturing type. She likes to take care of all of her partner’s needs, in and out of the bedroom. She’s sexual, but in an earthier, more mysterious way.
Madonna Prototype: Blake Lively, Rosario Dawson, Drew Barrymore
Pain Points: Giving love and devotion until it hurts. She often offers too much to get approval, attention, or affection. She often doesn’t speak up and fails to set boundaries, which eventually leads to anger and resentment. If you’re a Madonna archetype, you want to be careful: This type of love can tend toward passive aggression. Though it may seem selfless, she often gives too much or doesn’t set boundaries because she has low self-esteem and is afraid she will be abandoned.
Love Language: Acts of love and devotion, such as making meals, taking care of household duties, and doing things to make her partner’s day-to-day grind run smoothly.
Perfect Date: The perfect date for the Madonna is to make a nice dinner at home, followed by giving and receiving massages.
4. The Amazon:
Strengths: She’s the alpha female—powerful, a leader, and mentally and physically sharp and focused. She can take care of herself and is usually competitive.
Amazon Prototype: Pop star Madonna, Jessica Alba, Zoe Saldana
Pain Points: Not knowing when to be vulnerable enough to receive. It can feel scary to put her guard down and allow another person in because she is afraid of abandonment. Women nowadays are trying to be strong in a masculine way and are afraid to put down their Amazonian armor because underneath is the frightened little girl who is afraid of being hurt.
Love Language: Positive affirmations. You like to be told you are loved, beautiful, smart, etc. You give and like to receive compliments and verbal affirmations of love, respect, and support from your partner.
Perfect Date: The perfect date for the Amazon includes activities that have the feeling of competition that engages thrills and pushes the edges that create endorphin rushes. Examples include sports, games, or skydiving.
One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”
When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.
Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.
The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.
If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.
Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.
Why Is It So Hard?
Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.
When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.
When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.
When You Appreciate A Man…
Everyone likes appreciation; we all want to be seen and acknowledged for what we do. But appreciation hits different notes for men and women. Typically, women want to feel adored and cherished above anything else in order to feel happy in a relationship. Men need to feel appreciated and acknowledged. If a man doesn’t feel that, he will either leave the relationship or will stay in it and feel miserable.
When a man feels like a woman appreciates him, he will go above and beyond to make her happy. It’s not just about appreciating what he does, it’s about appreciating who he is. What men want more than anything is a woman who is happy with him. That’s really it. And a woman who expresses gratitude and is happy with who he is and what he does is the woman he wants to commit himself to.
The more gratitude you feel for him, the more connected he will feel to you and the more he will come to appreciate you. I’m not saying you’re never allowed to be disappointed or upset with him, but there is a difference between disapproving of an action and disapproving of a person. You can express your discontent in a loving way that still conveys an appreciation for his character as opposed to a punishing and blaming way that makes him feel bad or guilty.
If you want more love from your man, you need to make him feel loved and the way to do this is to show genuine appreciation for the things he does. Look at the intention, not the action. He’s not going to get it right every single time – that just isn’t possible. But the majority of the time, his intentions are good. He set out to make you happy and that deserves to be appreciated. You don’t need to give him anything in return – just you being happy with who he is and what he does is all he needs from you.
How to Train Yourself to Be More Grateful
Now that we’ve covered why it’s important to be grateful, let’s talk about tangible ways to do it.
I think the most powerful way to re-train your mind to be more grateful is to keep a gratitude journal. A teacher of mine gave me this suggestion many years ago and I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I considered myself a very grateful person and did not see how this would benefit me at all. But then I gave it a try and wow…it was not as easy as I expected. My teacher told me to write down three things I was grateful for every day. Easy enough. The catch was that they always had to be different, as in no reruns.
As the days passed and the exercise got a little more difficult, I noticed myself changing. I started to live every day actively looking for things to be grateful for. Usually this was because I wanted to come up with three things and just be done with it, like getting in an early morning workout. I thought it would only continue to get harder but a funny thing happened after a few weeks…it actually got easier. And soon, I was finding way more than just three new things to be grateful for each day. I kept going with this for months and can affirm that it is absolutely life- changing. I felt so calm and so at ease and just happier all around.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, I highly suggest you think of two or three things every day that you love and appreciate about your partner. You don’t even need to tell him you’re doing this or what the things are. Just think about it every day and write it down. And like I did in my exercise, think of new things every day. It can be things he did for you or things about him. Focus on everything he does right and see how that impacts your relationship. (Mark my words, you’ll start seeing major changes within about a week or two.)
Even if you aren’t having major issues in your relationship, anytime your partner does something that annoys or frustrates you, just think about a few reasons why you care about him and why you’re grateful to have him in your life.
I just want to add that this does not apply to relationships where there is physical or emotional abuse. I’m talking about healthy, functioning relationships that just get rocky from time to time…as most relationships do.
If you’re single, think about what you love about your life right now. Think about what you’re appreciative for and good things that have happened throughout the day. I think writing it out is best because it makes it more real, but if that feels like too much of a commitment then just spend time every day reflecting on it.
Practicing gratitude on a daily basis can literally re-wire you. It can transform the way you think which will change the way you feel and the vibe you transmit. People can naturally pick up on the vibes someone is sending out. When you feel bitter or angry or jaded on the inside, it will come across on the outside no matter how you try to hide it. There is no faking being in a good place. You have to work on it, and if you do, suddenly everything will change and you’ll notice enormous improvements in all areas of your life.
It seems like every other day, another study comes out promising to give us the key to a successful marriage.
Why not? After all, those of us who want to be married want to stay married. In fact, a 2011 Pew Research survey found that 36 percent of adults believe that having a successful marriage is “one of the most important things” in life. While I don’t really believe that relationship success is dependent on one major “key,” and that it’s more of the right combination of the little things, a new study shows saying two small words can actually strengthen your marriage. Ready for them?
“Thank you.”
According to a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships, the key to improving a marriage is to show a little gratitude. Researchers from the University of Georgia conducted a telephone survey of 468 married individuals and asked them questions about their finances, their communication tactics, and how they express gratitude to their spouses. As the study found, expressions of spousal gratitude were a significant predictor of marital quality.
“It goes to show the power of ‘thank you,’” said Allen Barton, a postdoctoral research associate at UGA’s Center for Family Research and lead author of the study. “Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.”
The study also found that couples who showed higher levels of spousal gratitude were less prone to seek divorce. When couples express gratitude or show appreciation for each other, it can counteract or buffer the negative effects of conflicts. According to researchers, feeling appreciated and believing that your partner values you have a great impact on how you feel about your marriage and your commitment to making it last.
“All couples have disagreements and argue,” the study’s co-author Ted Futris said. “What distinguishes the marriages that last from those that don’t is not how often they argue, but how they argue and how they treat each other on a daily basis.”
In short, it’s the little things that matter.
Saying those two small words can do your relationship a bunch of good. But sometimes, expressing gratitude can go beyond a simple “Thank you.” Because of that, I talked to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, on how you can express gratitude to your partner each and every day.
1. Reach Out
Set aside time each day to reach out to your partner and listen to them talk about their day. As Dr. Ramani tells Bustle, “They may not be able to respond, but it becomes a touchstone, and lets them feel heard.”
2. Take Initiative
“Do something for them that they do not like to do without asking,” Dr. Ramani says. “But do it without making lots of noise about it. For example, take the car in for an oil change, clean the toilets, or weed the garden.”
3. Surprise Them
“This does not need to be big. It can be dinner on the table, making the plans and just whisking them away to something you know they like. Even try giving them a small gift that shows up in a briefcase at work,” Dr. Ramani says.
4. Compliment Them
“I know it seems small, and likely should be happening every day. But we often forget that those little words about your partner’s work, a new dress, or their smile put a swing in our step when we get them from strangers,” Dr. Ramani says. “But they can be profoundly impactful from our partners.”
5. Ask About Stuff
Don’t just listen, but engage in conversation. If your partner tells you something that happened at work, ask a follow up question the next day (i.e. “Whatever happened with that guy at work you told me about yesterday?”).
As Dr. Ramani says, “It shows not only that you were listening initially but that it is sustained. Few of us are heard any more in such a distracted world. To hear someone listening to us is a fantastic way to show gratitude.”
6. Again, The Little Things Count
Don’t be afraid to say “Thank you” or “I’m grateful” or “I noticed what you did.” According to Dr. Ramani, while those words are simple enough, they show that we notice the effort that our partner puts into the relationship and that we’re grateful for them.
In case you haven’t heard, thousands of activists have assembled in Standing Rock, North Dakota.
[Image: @OcetiCampNews]People from all over the world have joined in solidarity to stop disaster from occurring. Police brutality, illegal arrests and harsh weather have caused extensive damage and heartbreak. In spite of all their obstacles, the people of Standing Rock are more determined than ever to save their water. It’s inspiring, and heartbreaking.
I wanted to help. So, I went. I expected, at the very least, to be depressed by what I found there. But I was very wrong. The circumstances that brought this community together were certainly unfortunate, but the love I found there was unprecedented. Standing Rock has changed my life, in nearly every aspect. The way I organize and lead, how I approach my relationships, and how I see myself – it’s all shifted in a better direction. My goal in going was to give, but in doing so, I received some truly wonderful gifts.
“I’ve rarely seen so much love, gratitude, determination, resilience,” Jane Fonda said after a recent visit. I agree, wholeheartedly.
Standing Rock taught me more about love than anywhere else I’ve been on Earth. It is with deep gratitude that I share these things with the LoveTV community, and I hope that readers take them to heart.
Here are a few concepts I learned from the elders and community of Standing Rock, that apply directly to love. You can use these ideas to improve your own life, wherever you are – and trust me, the positive effects will be contagious. Feel free to try out one (or all!) of the challenges I’ve shared here. Let us know what happens in the comments, below.
Community is everything. Seek it out.
To “commune” is to participate in intimate communication with another person or group. At Standing Rock, a group of thousands collaborated in creating a conscious community. Coming from Los Angeles, I was initially uncomfortable with trusting a total stranger to help me pitch a tent. In less than a day, however, I was the stranger offering help to countless others.
The difference between isolation and community is simply showing up. At Standing Rock, thousands united with a common goal. This manifested in prayer, discussion, action and co-creation. It’s easier to love yourself when you’re part of something bigger, and community is available wherever you are.
Community challenge:
Find your tribe. Go on a walk with friends once a week. Call your out of state relatives and offer support. Allow yourself to be needed. You’ll be impressed by the results.
Gratitude is love’s strongest muscle. Use it.
At Standing Rock, we were on sacred ground. Prayer was happening everywhere, whether it was chanting around a sacred fire, dancing beneath the stars, meditating in silence, or simply putting in a day’s work. An atmosphere of gratitude penetrated every aspect of life at camp.
Prayer is gratitude, expressed. That’s it! Whether you’re thankful to a higher power, or you’re just glad the world is spinning – express it. Gratitude is as much for your benefit as it is theirs.
For me, saying “thank you” is the quickest shortcut to deeper connection. By looking a friend, partner, or stranger in the eye and offering the gift of gratitude, you’re consciously saying ‘I’m here.’ That’s love, in the purest sense.
Gratitude challenge:
Offer gratitude to someone in your life. Whether it’s a quick text, email, or delivered face-to-face, tell them why you appreciate them. Did a friend send you a note that made your day? Did your doctor give you excellent care a few months back? Tell them! Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and how they respond. Repeat this the next day, and the next – until gratitude comes easily. Notice how your world improves.
The goal of debate should be finding agreement. Argue with this in mind.
Standing Rock is a resistance camp, but their goal is peaceful resolution. At one demonstration, activists thanked the police for their presence, even after some of us had been maced and beaten. This gratitude was genuine, because police had honored us by being present. Even if neither side “won” that day, conflict was diminished by searching for agreement. That, in itself, is a win.
At another gathering, #NoDAPL activists were peacefully protesting with signs in hand. Across the street, an angry mob of #ProDAPL protestors began screaming at the indigenous people gathered there. I approached them, peacefully. It took some time to get them to stop yelling, but once they did, I asked them why they were protesting. Surprisingly, our opposition wanted a lot of the same things we did. If this were a talking circle, where we all tried to find agreement, there would be no need for signs, pepper spray or riot gear.
The truth is, conflict doesn’t always have two sides. People often fight over different versions of the same basic needs. The Standing Rock Sioux (and their Native American allies) have made agreement a priority in resolving conflict. This same tactic can be applied to domestic arguments, family disagreements, and diffusing hostility from opposing views.
Agreement Challenge:
Think of an unresolved conflict in your life. Do you and your partner disagree on a specific issue? Is your family politically split? Try removing your need to be “right” from the equation, and entertain perspectives on both sides. Exploring why people feel the way they do often says more than the feelings themselves. Is there one thing that you can all agree on? That thing might be your one-way ticket to resolving the conflict, once and for all.
Love is more important than anything else in your life. Take good care of it.
At Standing Rock, everyone had one goal in mind: save the water. This goal was aligned with each person’s core values and their love for the planet, themselves, and each other. It was love! That’s what was most important.
In this extreme environment, nobody cared what my day job was. Nobody asked how much money I had. Love required my heart, my focus, and a pair of helping hands. That’s it.
Relationships are as important as you make them. Prioritizing love (for yourself, others, and the world) is more crucial to your mental and spiritual well being than all the money in the world.
Love challenge:
Perform some acts of love today, whenever opportunities present themselves. Open a door for someone, write a thoughtful note, offer a compliment or a thank you. You have no idea how big the impact will be until you try it.
Standing Rock is everywhere. It lives in every act of love, every grateful thought, and every positive action. I will carry these truths with me always.
For it is the giant cornerstone to the whole shootin’ match that we call marriage.
My parents advice was as follows, in no particular order:
You can’t have too much in common.
Never running out of conversation is always a good sign.
Having time alone together shows the children that they have joined their parents lives, not taken them over.
One person should be good in a crisis (my mom).
One person should be willing to get up in the middle of the night to comfort kids from their bad dreams (my dad).
Honor your spouse’s parents, even if they’re not always pleasant toward you.
Praise your spouse in front of your children.
When your kids (or anyone) asks who your best friend is, answer (but only if you mean it), “Your mother/father.”
Light up when your spouse walks into the room.
Be patient with your spouses’ shortcomings (this is extra hard, but my parents were temperamentally so well suited to each other that they nailed this one).
But that’s part of what makes what is happening with Alex Danvers so interesting. Peeling back the superhero elements, the aliens, the powers, the fight scenes, and what we have is a character who through her entire life has felt something missing, a woman who has never given herself the chance to ask exactly why. Now, into adulthood, while having carved out a place for herself in her life and career, finally she meets someone, another woman, who clicks that spark in her. Someone who looks at her and sees right past the walls she’s built up with her denial all of these years. Suddenly the truth of it is so undeniable to her. But she still struggles, she fights with herself but she knows, she knows this is who she is. She says it out loud, she says it to the people she cares about. And after all that, she still doesn’t get the girl. At least not yet anyway, this is a TV show after all.
I feel like what makes Alex’s coming out hit so home for me, as a queer woman who also didn’t come out till she was 27, is that it is so messy, but in a quiet and personal way. It hurts for her a little bit. So often on TV shows or in movies coming out is either portrayed as some over the top scandalous reveal, something that throws a family into disarray, or sometimes the exact opposite, it’s treated so casually that other characters literally dismiss it as a “yeah, so?” type of thing. In a perfect world this would be great, but we don’t live in that world. This is not going to be the experience of the vast majority of people who come out.
Even when people love you, they can get it wrong.
Even when people are good, loving, and supportive folks, people who put rainbow filters on their Facebook profiles, people who hold Drag Race viewing parties, they can screw it up. Because just knowing that sexuality or gender identity isn’t a choice doesn’t prepare you for having someone you care about come out. Being close to someone for so long and not knowing something so major about them can make you stumble. It can make you question yourself for not seeing it. So, when Alex comes out to her sister Kara (AKA Supergirl), she stumbles. She’s spooked and her moment of hesitation stokes Alex’s insecurity. It makes her flee a bit, makes her question herself.
Although I don’t think it’s healthy to always live in the past, I think that the ability to see it with new eyes, or looking at it with a different perspective can offer clarity. For many people, however, the past conjures up negative emotions, which can make this exercise in self-reflection difficult and seemingly futile. But I believe that it is only when we are able to look back that we are able to start linking all of our life’s experiences together and are able to see the bigger picture. By looking back, we are able to see outside of ourselves and we can then forge ahead a little less selfishly.
When my sister first got engaged, i have to admit, I selfishly couldn’t help but worry about the separation that would undoubtedly occur between my sister and I, once she gets married. We talk just about every day and I consider her my best friend. I imagined I would lose that once she embarks on this journey. But watching the old home videos helped me change my outlook. Her relationship to me and the rest of my siblings will be different, no doubt, but it doesn’t mean it won’t be just as strong, if not stronger. Our family will grow and there will be more love than ever before. I love her fiancee, my family loves him, and most importantly, they love each other. The VHS tapes may have been dusty and old, but taking a trip down memory lane, proved to me that the future can be bright and so full of joy. I’m excited by the adventure of it all, chaos included.
I was seated in the very last row, in the Aisle Seat, right next to the restrooms. Lines of people formed all around me over and over throughout the flight, as passengers rotated turns to get up and pee or take a crap, inches from my head. Every time the toilet flushed, it sounded as if it was flushing inside of my eyeball. Seated next to me was a very young military wife and mother, all of maybe 24 years old. Next to her was a 6 year old boy, her son. She began striking up conversation with me, because we were both terrified of the bumpy takeoff, and shared a second or ten of bonding in our mutual fear of impending death upon crashing.
Our bonding time ended with the inevitable question that you always get from a stranger: Are you married? How I answer this question changes daily, depending on the situation, my mood, and what response I feel, at that moment, might cause me the least amount of pain and anguish. It’s a crapshoot though, because I rarely know or expect what people say to me, and therefore, I find myself with a dull ache in my side no matter how I approach this. For whatever reason, with this woman, I decided to tell her the truth. She is a military wife, after all. Maybe she understands a bit about life and unexpected death and compassion. WRONG! When I told her point blank that my husband died almost 2 years ago very suddenly of a massive heart attack, she didn’t even flinch, or offer up the ole’ I’m so sorry for your loss. Nope. Instead, she launched into an endless lecture that had me wishing I had a parachute to jump out of this plane and away from this offensive horseshit I was being forced to listen to:
“You’re not dating yet? Why not? I’d be so excited to meet people and go out! Oh you need to get yourself out there, girl. He ain’t comin’ back. I know some good clubs and places, I could hook you up with some hot guys. I’m serious. Gimme your number. You are lucky I’m not your close friend, cuz I’d be gettin’ on your ass for not movin’ on and finding someone else already. I’m very blunt and I tell it like it is.”
I felt like saying: “You’re also an asshole”, but I was stuck on a 6-hour flight next to this clueless dummy, and suddenly the smell of other people’s poop didn’t seem nearly as terrible as being wedged next to this person who showed zero compassion or understanding for what my life might be like. When we arrived back in New York and at Baggage Claim, we both waited by the carousel for our things. As I spotted my suitcase and struggled to lift it off of the belt; she spotted her husband, in uniform, and ran into his loving arms, just like in the movies. He picked up their son and twirled him around, and gave them both kisses and hugs. They had each other, and I had Akmad or Rashim, who would be showing up in a taxi-service soon, so I could pay them to get me home.
The study found that seven per cent of women have been on between 41 and 60 dates before finding someone to share their life with.![[Image: @OcetiCampNews]](https://www.lovetv.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/oceti.jpg)
