LOVE Archives - Page 17 of 36 - Love TV

Category: LOVE

Why You Reject an Eager Suitor

by zfortadminin LOVE

5. There’s an expression women share: “How you get him is how you lose him.”

It’s often applied to situations where a guy cheats on his gf and then dumps her for the new girl. It’s a bad way to start a new relationship, because New Girl is now with Cheater Boyfriend.

The concept applies here as well – if a guy falls for women at the drop of a hat, even if you think he’s great, you’re going to wonder when that may happen again. When he runs out for beer? When he sees his ex over the holidays? When an attractive new woman joins his firm? Guys who go all in too soon are impulsive guys, and impulsive guys are unpredictable guys. They’re flighty.

6. Delaying intense intimacy, whether emotional or physical, is a woman’s best method of filtering out insincere and manipulative men.

The “cost” of sex is much higher for women than it is for men. Every sexual encounter carries the risk of pregnancy. In addition, women are far more likely to contract STDs then men are.

The cad’s tried and true mating strategy is lying about his feelings in order to get sex. He is willing to say almost anything to snag that innocent young thing who’s obviously looking for a boyfriend. Believing a man’s declarations of feeling when he’s known you a short time is a high risk move for women.

In addition, narcissistic men with low empathy are very good at Instant Love and sweeping women off their feet. They know the script, and they know how to play their part in the movie that is their life. They’re strictly on a short-term timetable – if they take much time you’ll figure out they have nothing to offer. In and out is the best strategy, so they tend to declare their “feelings” very quickly.

7. We worry about buyer’s remorse.

When a man commits very soon, he is in the state of lust or infatuation. He is certainly creating his own idea of his beloved as perfection. Most of us know this will wear off. The more you have exalted us, the farther we will fall, and then you will not want us anymore.

I should note that there are exceptions to this general female “rule.” I have known several couples who met, had sex within hours, and essentially started living together that first night. Those relationships are extremely symbiotic, but they appear to suit some people very well.

What have I missed? Girls, are you wary of guys who are “yours” from the first hello? Do you want to earn a man’s love? Or do you feel that’s just playing games, and you want him eager and willing from the start? What is the best way for a man who really does fall for you quickly to handle himself and increase your attraction to him?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Long Distance Relationships: Do They Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

…being in a long distance relationship, at least for some amount of time, has become a hallmark of modern dating.

Technology has had a huge impact on how we interact and participate in relationships. This goes double for long distance relationships.

The whole concept of LDRs has taken on new meaning thanks to Skype, FaceTime, and iMessage. To say that these types of relationships are “not what they used to be” would be a major understatement. Being in a long distance relationship for some period of time has become a hallmark of modern dating.

When it comes to long distance dating, there are two prevailing opinions that everyone seems to accept. However, they directly contradict each other.

Opinion 1. Are LDRs risky and destined to fail? Most friends and family will likely tell you this before you ignore them and decide to give it a try anyway.

Opinion 2. Or is there actually some truth behind the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

What does the research say?

As it turns out, recent research is on the side of LDR believers. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Communication set out to challenge the notion that long distance relationships are inherently less fulfilling and less sustainable than their geographically-close counterpart. The authors of the study, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, found that this type of partnership can actually form stronger bonds, promote deeper communication, and produce greater intimacy than traditional relationships. The reason for this is that long distance couples work harder to communicate affection and intimacy. They generally appreciate each other’s behaviors and actions more.

If this doesn’t convince you, another, more recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last year found that there were no major differences in outcome predictors of long distance relationships and regular ones. This study, which asked participants to assess and measure the levels of intimacy, commitment, communication, and sexual satisfaction in their relationship, among other things, concluded that LDRs are not actually at a disadvantage.

There is no denying that dating long distance can be stressful, challenging, and oftentimes lonely. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not worth trying. With the help of modern technology, it seems that LDR couples are finding more ways than ever to feel close to each other The extra effort and planning this requires actually brings greater rewards. Additionally, may people find that they are more independent and have more time to themselves. At the same time, they still enjoy the emotional benefits of being in a relationship.

However, there is a caveat…

One caveat to these studies is translating the extra effort and newfound emotional satisfaction back to a short-distance relationship. For a long-distance relationship to really work, the “long distance” part must come to an end at some point. When this happens, it may require some serious readjustment. And, unfortunately, more couples break up within the first three months living back in the same place than they do while living apart.

According to Jiang, long distance couples “tended to idealize their partners’ behaviors, perceiving them as more likely to share personal thoughts and feelings and more responsive to their own thoughts.” While this is beneficial during the time apart, the enhancement of positive feelings about the relationship might actually create false expectations about how things will be when the couple reunites. As Jiang explains, “[t]he positive illusion goes away when they spend more time together.”

While LDRs can foster healthy behaviors in each individual and promote optimistic feelings about the strength and value of the relationship, these things ultimately need to exist in the relationship whether it’s long distance or not. As Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory, sees it, the strength of a long distance relationship depends on the strength of the relationship itself. As such, the outcome of either is likely going to depend on the couple’s ability to find a balance — whether that means creating a little more space when there isn’t enough, or working to make every interaction count when there’s too much.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Call the Wedding Planner! Six Global Wedding Traditions You Must Add to Your Big Day

by Maria Shehatain LOVE

5. German Log Sawing –

German Log Sawing

This is where your friends get to have a little fun. The night before the wedding your friends are obliged to drunkenly smash dishes against your house for you and your partner to clean up in the morning! Yes, WTF, but remember to smile! You’re being tested! This is intended to showcase your ability to work together and face obstacles. Another favorite is log sawing. If you can find a log, and a saw, and you can maneuver in your gipao, this is a great way to test your love on the happiest of days!

6. A Venezuelan Goodbye –

 

Venezuelan Goodbye

Every couple has that knowing glance at a party, that it’s time to go. You commence the yawning (“we gotta get up early”), then fight the insistence (“no really, we should go”) and then finally after a long and tiring goodbye (“lets seriously have lunch soon”) you get to leave. In Venezuela, they’ve given you the gift of not only not having to go through that, but it’s actually considered good luck to leave without anyone noticing! And no one will mind, because any couple that eventually does notice receives good luck as well. Everyone wins! Get out of there! Go enjoy your newly wedded boo, without any of the hassles of having to take goodbye selfies with all of your drunk relatives.

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When Was the Last Time You Really Played With Yourself?

by Gina Cloudin LOVE

But I believe that if we played more, with ourselves and with others, there wouldn’t be so much need for the self-help industry.  The answer is simple.  Achieving it has become complicated.

Children “make-believe.” Isn’t that the same as what “grown-ups” try to do with affirmations and “living as if”? The difference is that when we are children, it’s not make-believe, we know it’s all possible because no one has told us it isn’t.  WE BELIEVE.  And isn’t that the key to affirmations and manifestation tools?

We are kings and queens and princes and princesses in foreign lands.  We join the circus.  We become unicorns.  We make silly faces at each other and talk in made up languages,   We laugh when we fart and when we burp.  We make up and sing silly songs.   We are unselfconscious and so real, so authentic.  We jump on the bed and play dress up.  We eat the raindrops and the mud.

And we laugh and we laugh and we laugh

Laughter is one of the most potent heart openers.  When we play, we administer medicine to our souls, and our lives heal in the places we need it most.

My mother was a kindergarten teacher for 30 years. Because she was surrounded by little children all the time, she retained that silly, playful, lightheartedness. There were times after I had become an adult where I thought she was being too silly. But that  was social conformity penetrating my mind.    I now  realize what a gift it was to her to be surrounded by five-year-olds for 30 years.

As a mother, I remember those early days with my own daughter. She’s 21 now and as I watch her in her struggle to find the belief in herself that she had as a child, I realize the damage that our society and even our schools, which are “mental institutions,” have done to diminish her access to this part of herself. I know that many of you who are parents can relate to this.

So go and find some children, they’re all around us. Smile at them, make faces at them as you drive, Let them help you tear down the walls and doors of your internal prisons. Let the love that they radiate permeate your being until you find your own inner child smiling and tugging at your leg for a playdate.

And then play with yourself.  Find other playmates and make playdates.  Support each other in silliness.

Here’s one of my playmates, my dear friend Christina Afentoulis, being silly with me in a public place at a “grown up” event.  Yes, people will frown at you and give you dirty looks.  BUT WHO CARES??? Just play. 

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Dating Differences in Foreign Lands Like Korea and Iran

by zfortadminin LOVE

COUNTRY: AUSTRALIA

Dating Difference: The “no worries” mindset that applies to many things in the Land Down Under has extended to dating. There’s less focus on “defining” your relationship status. For anyone who hates courtship via text, stay out of Oz — nearly half of Aussie men say it’s OK to ask a woman out this way, according to a survey in the Courier Mail.

“Australian men are more laid back when it comes to dating,” says Kate, an American living in Sydney. “They don’t seem to pressure women into decisions or situations like American men do.”

Biggest Shocker: Despite the laid-back approach, some Aussie men think you shouldn’t leave the house without a full face of makeup. It’s pretty surprising given the amount of fresh-faced surfer girls strutting around Australia’s coastal cities and towns.

“I’ve found that dating Australian boys, or Sydney men in particular, they are used to more high-maintenance girls,” says Caroline E., a Georgia native who spent 10 months living and dating in Sydney. “They’re used to their ladies getting dolled up just to go to the grocery store and I’m just not like that.”

What do you think of these dating customs – keen to try or happy to be dating in the US of A?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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I’m a Unicorn… I Date Couples

by Lisa Lauretain LOVE

Once you’ve decided to meet, or if you’re at your meeting spot and sizing each other up, it’s time to find out what their rules are and let them know yours. Personally I have no real limits aside from the basics of safe sex, no potty stuff and no real pain. However some couples have a lot of rules and they’re always different. I used to think some rules were really silly and I questioned them, until I got into an open relationship myself. I realize by being with my current partner that things I thought would bother me don’t and vice versa. I don’t question these feelings, because they are what they are. So I learn what works and what doesn’t along the way and that’s where the rules come from. For example, I get really turned on by watching my guy have sex with other people. This is rare, and yes, I know that. The only thing that ever really bothers me is thinking about him being emotionally attached to someone else. Luckily, he feels the same way and neither of us really has time for a second emotional relationship, so this works out great for us! Some couples don’t kiss anyone but each other, leaving everything else up for grabs. I call this the “Pretty Woman” couple. Others insist that they only hook up with someone else if both members of the couple are present, even if they’re not included in the action. Many couples are “soft swap,” meaning that there’s no penetration allowed, only oral. I once hooked up with a couple where the lady was okay with her husband having anal sex with me, but not vaginal. Comfort levels are a very personal thing and it’s best to establish what everyone is cool with before things get too hot and heavy, because by then it’s too late.

The last big rule about dating like a unicorn is to have no expectations. I never date a couple thinking, “maybe one of them will be ‘the one!’” This isn’t just because I currently have a partner. This is mostly because they currently are each other’s partners. They’re together because it works for them. I’m there to have fun, and they’ve brought me in for them to have fun. And as I said before, so long as everyone is having that fun, then I’m all good! I love spicing it up and this helps me do that both for myself as well as for others. I don’t expect to come out of a sexy fun time feeling emotionally fulfilled, which is exactly why I have other things in my life that fulfill me. For me, it’s a hobby, a really super amazingly fun hobby. My limited expectations are probably my most Unicorn-like quality.

I don’t know if I’ll always be a Unicorn, but for now, I personally am enjoying the hell out of being a magical, mythical creature, and if it’s right for you, then I hope you can too!

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What Not to Do During the First Few Dates

by zfortadminin DATING ADVICE, LOVE

Ignoring your inner voice.

If you’re wondering whether you’ve got enough in common, are truly attracted or have chemistry, most likely, this is a sign that you and your partner aren’t compatible. Be careful not to discount red flags and doubts just because it feels so good to be in the throes of passion. You may waste time in a sub-par relationship trying to make something work that just won’t.

Worrying about exclusivity and commitment.

It is common at the beginning of a relationship for people to be dating multiple partners. Online profiles are not shut down until a person knows that he or she wants to be exclusive. Until committed, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat accounts might be frequented by old flames or friends with benefits (and maybe even after you’re Facebook-official). Assume that the person you’re going out with is seeing others. Try and be easygoing about needing exclusivity or initiating a commitment discussion too early. Manage your anxiety and do your best to cope with uncertainty while you are seeing where this goes.

Whether you’ve just hooked up or you’re a few dates in, recognize that the beginnings of a relationship aren’t easy. Making snap judgments about a person or fantasizing wildly about walking down the aisle are normal, but may not help you if you act on them.

Keep the above tips in mind and try to stay cool about your feelings. Remember, you are just getting to know each other and not everyone is going to be a perfect match. That’s why it’s so special when you find “the one.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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The Married Millennial: What Marriage Isn’t

by RJ Newellin LOVE

The Wedding industry in the United States has an estimated worth of nearly $60 Billion. That may be no surprise, but did you know that the Divorce industry is booming, too?

Recent findings suggest that the Divorce industry’s total worth in the U.S. is $50 Billion or more. It makes sense, then, that most lifestyle websites will have a “Weddings” section and a “Divorce” section, with little to say about the marriage in between.

Marriage isn’t cool, these days. Stable relationships simply don’t make headlines. Hollywood magazines are constantly on the lookout for wedding announcements and breakup scandals. Paparazzi follow newly married celebrity couples, denying them privacy. When the whole world is waiting for them to screw up, is it any wonder that most famous marriages fail?

If our famous role models are divorcing, our parents have been separated, and our newly engaged friends are over-sharing ring selfies left and right, it’s understandable that we have warped ideas of marriage.

To define what marriage actually is, let’s consider what it isn’t.

Marriage is not a blissful horseback ride into the sunset.

Most people do not have their lives figured out, their hearts fully mended, or their finances in perfect shape before tying the knot.

Before I met my husband, I said I would never marry unless I: (1) had become wildly successful, (2) conquered my anxiety, (3) made a million dollars, and (4) owned my own home. But then, I met him…and there went all my plans.

On the other hand – marriage is not a bummer. At all.

Our relationships reflect our inner states – and how you value your partner shouldn’t change just because you’re married. Happy unions are not as rare as you’d think. People who are genuinely happy with their partners are actually less likely to talk about it on social media, or in public. Unhappy people, on the other hand, are much louder about their dissatisfaction. Marriage, by itself, does not make people unhappy. Life does. It’s been said to “Never take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with.” This applies to marriage tips, too.

Marriage is not about “settling” or compromising on your dreams.

Sure, my checklist didn’t happen in the order in which I planned it, but since being with my husband, I’ve accomplished more than ever before. He encourages me – and because we have similar goals, we work well as a team. You don’t have to be alone in order to achieve your dreams, as long as your partner is truly supportive.

If you expect your partner to set aside their goals in order to make the relationship work, this is a problem. If you’re thinking that marriage will change your partner (or you), it won’t.

Marriage is not about you.

It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy – it’s yours. We all have problems, but your spouse can only do so much. There’s a reason why people say the first year is the hardest: our personal expectations almost never match the reality of a lifelong partnership. Nobody “fixes” us.

When we date, we often present the perfect package. We offer the best versions of ourselves – and this is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, there are two sides to every coin, and you need to be willing to work on your issues. Marriage brings only one guarantee, and that’s vulnerability. It is a commitment to working on yourself, while encouraging your partner in their journey.

Marriage is not the end of freedom – not anymore.

I can’t tell you how many people asked me “why?” when I said I was getting married in my early twenties. There’s an outdated image of a 1940’s housewife begrudging her chores, and a 1940’s husband who’s dying to cheat on her.

It’s 2016, people! Marriage has changed as much as we have. My partner has a career, and so do I. He has friends, and I have mine. We do fun things together, and have no qualms about going places on our own. Nowadays, people can get married because we want to. Not because we have to.

Marriage is not the end of sex, or dating.

The longer you’re together, the more opportunities there are to be creative. Being married is not an excuse for complacency. You may not sweep your partner off their feet every day, but don’t forget to make them feel valued. Intimacy is only as important as you make it…So make it important.

Marriage is not everything.

My relationship with my husband is number one to me. But if I don’t have a life outside of our marriage, it’s unhealthy. Maybe that’s why marriage doesn’t make headlines: we’re all just people living our lives. It’s not as glamorous as a wedding, or as dramatic as a divorce, but I like this better. Much better.

In the end, Marriage is what you make it.

It’s like any other thing, except it involves another person who is equally important and committed. Marriage might have changed in meaning, but love itself has not. Commitment relies on communication in order to thrive.

Marriage looks different on everyone. Choose your own adventure.

There are countless variations to the traditional marriage model. In the Western World, gender roles don’t matter the way they used to. Women can choose to have careers, or stay at home – and so can men. These days, most of us get married for love, and having children is optional. Some couples live together, and some live apart. Monogamy is a choice between two people, and some marriages skip it altogether. Regardless of gender, religion, race, sexual orientation, married or unmarried, we all deserve to love – and be loved – in the way that’s right for us.

Are Your Genetics Effecting Who You Are Attracted to?

by zfortadminin LOVE

Next, the researchers set out to determine whether genes or the environment was a bigger influence on how people perceived attractiveness. In other words, they wanted to figure out what accounted for the 52 percent disagreement rate they saw in the first part of the study.

For each twin pair, the researchers compared the preferences of one twin to those of the other, to determine how similar they were. Then, they compared the similarity of all of the identical twins’ preferences to those of the fraternal twins, Germine said.

If the identical twin pairs had preferences that were more similar than those of the fraternal twin pairs, it would suggest that genes play a bigger role, Germine said. But if the identical twins’ preferences were not more similar to each other, it would suggest the environment plays a larger role, she said.

The researchers used standard calculations, that are often used in twin studies, to figure out the relative influence of the participants’ genetics and their environments on their ratings of people’s attractiveness. They concluded that people’s individual environments accounted for most (78 percent) of the differences in how people perceived attractiveness.

And even for each twin in a pair, a person’s individual environment is unique, the researchers said.

For example, even though twins share a lot of their environment because they usually grow up together in the same house, their individual environments — including their friends, what they see in the media and their first relationship — differ enough to give each twin an individual perception of attractiveness, Germine said. Previous research has shown that if people see a face and associate it with something positive, they tend to find that face more attractive, she added.

The researchers noted that shared environments (as opposed to individual environments) may still play a role in influencing people’s preferences, but for this study, the population included was not very diverse.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Millions Trying Open Marriage

by zfortadminin LOVE

For many couples, the idea of monogamy is evolving. Is it open season on sex outside of commitment?

For the first time in history, more Americans are single (50.2 percent) than married. But for those who do tie the knot, the general idea is still the same: You’re now emotionally and sexually exclusive with your partner. Even if you never marry but have long- term relationships, monogamy is usually part of the unspoken agreement.

That’s starting to change. “Monogamy is no longer going to define marriage,” predicts couples therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, who says she’s seeing more couples experimenting with open relationships (in which a couple decides what sexual activities outside their relationship are fair game) and polyamory (having actual romantic relationships outside a primary commitment). It’s not cheating or “looking the other way,” but having relationships or encounters with the consent and support of your partner.

While it’s impossible to know exactly how many U.S. couples are consensually nonmonogamous, estimates range from 1.2 to 2.4 million, Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, wrote last year in Psychology Today. Couples have made “agreements” since marriage was invented, but as open relationships become more established in popular culture—some Hollywood couples have talked about theirs; two of last summer’s indie comedies (The Overnight and While We Were Young) featured subplots centered on nonmonogamy—more people are comfortable coming out about their lifestyle.

“MANY PEOPLE IN THEIR 20S AND 30S ARE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE, AND THEY WANT A DIFFERENT CODE OF HONESTY.”

It sounds counterintuitive, but many people practicing nonmonogamy see it as a way to preserve their relationship, not implode it, says Esther Perel, marriage therapist and author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, whose TED talks on marriage and infidelity have been collectively viewed more than 10 million times. “Many people in their 20s and 30s are children of divorce, and they want a different code of honesty,” she says. “The idea of consensual nonmonogamy is in service of the longevity of the couple: ‘With this, we can avoid lying, cheating.’ They’re taking the concept of sexual freedom inside the marriage.”

Below, three happily married couples in open relationships explain how they, well, do it.

The Modern Family

The Couple: Nicole Sharette, 38, and Luke Sharette, 35. LOCATION: Eugene, Oregon.

Status: Married for 12 years.

Kids: Six.

Our Arrangement: “I’m a stay-at-home mom. Outside of our sex lives, we’re a traditional family. Luke has casual hookups; I have long-term relationships. I’ve had one boyfriend for eight years, another for three, and I’ve dated a couple for four. We go out anywhere from every three months to three times a month.”

How It Began: “I’ve always wanted to do this. When we first got together, Luke was very vanilla [sexually], and that slowly changed. I said, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy this with others?’ He came around to it, then we talked for a year. First I just dated women, and Luke realized that I wasn’t going to leave. When he had his first experience, he saw that my feelings wouldn’t get hurt.”

The Rules: “We used to have rules about who we could and couldn’t sleep with (like, I didn’t want him to hook up with my best friend). Now we don’t, except that we have safe sex with everyone else. Luke doesn’t tell me how often I can go out, and I don’t tell him. We just respect each other.”

“WE USED TO HAVE RULES ABOUT WHO WE COULD AND COULDN’T SLEEP WITH (LIKE, I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO HOOK UP WITH MY BEST FRIEND). NOW WE DON’T.”

Jealous Much? “I like the feeling. Jealousy excites me.”

The Good: “We don’t get bored with each other. It makes us communicate and grows our trust, love, attraction, and appreciation for each other. It also keeps us both feeling young, which is hard when you have a lot of kids.”

The Bad: “We have kids in their late teens. When they were younger, they saw Luke out with another woman and thought he was cheating. We explained that we love each other but we have other friends. They get it now. They’re also very monogamous and paranoid about cheating.”

The Poly Partners

The Couple: KC, 34, and Marissa, 31.

Location: New York City.

Status: Together for three years, married since September.

KIDS: Zero.

Our Arrangement: KC: “We have a circle of polyamorous friends. We have sexual interactions with them at parties, either together or separately. Or we’ll have friends over and one thing will lead to another—but then they go home.” Marissa: “We don’t have other romantic partners.”

“WE DON’T HAVE OTHER ROMANTIC PARTNERS.”

How It Began: Marissa: “KC and I have both tried open relationships, but this is the first time it has worked out well. We started our relationship like this. Going from monogamy to nonmonogamy is very difficult, especially between people with disparate levels of relationship experience and insecurity.”

The Rules: KC: “I wouldn’t want either of us to hook up with someone who expected more than what we’ve offered.” Marissa: “Or if we know they’re emotionally unstable.”

Bilateral Support: Marissa: “I’m bisexual, so I still get to explore that. KC might say, ‘You’re talking about dudes a lot lately. Do you want to make some calls?’ “KC: “People have different sex drives and ways of connecting. If you thrive on that, to shut off that part of yourself can be suffocating, even if you have a good sex life with your partner.”

The Good: KC: “You can be yourself and not constantly self-monitor.” Marissa: “You’re not afraid that the other person is going to stray. Why would they?”

The Bad: KC: “I’m not out to my family. When I tried to talk about being in an open relationship, it got dismissed: ‘Oh, it must not be serious.’ If we’re not romantically involved with others, my sex life isn’t my parents’ business.”

The Lawmakers

The Couple: Susan Coates, 43, and Taj Moore, 40.

Location: Denver.

Status: Together eight years, married for four years.

Kids: One.

Our Arrangement: “Taj sees someone every week and talks to her daily. She’s married and has a child. I also have a weekly date with someone who has another partner and kids. I see other partners intermittently.”

How It Began: “When we first met, I had been in a relationship steeped in jealousy and wanted to explore an open relationship. Taj said, ‘Yeah, I’m curious, too.’ We sat down to check in before his first date. I said, ‘I’m OK if you give her a kiss.’ Afterward, we did a play-by-play. It took quite awhile before I was OK with him having sex with another person.”

The Rules: “Taj and I check in before each date. At the beginning, this was very lengthy. Now it’s just a text: ‘Are there any parameters?’ If our relationship is struggling, we’ll simmer it down and not date much.”

Terms of Disclosure: “When I’m out with my other partner, we talk about Taj a lot. There might be an intimate moment that feels special with someone else, but if it feels like I’m withholding from Taj, I question why.”

“IF THERE’S SOMETHING MY PRIMARY PARTNER CAN’T GIVE ME—MAYBE I’M DRAWN TO SOMEONE WITH A DIFFERENT SENSE OF HUMOR—I DON’T HAVE TO COMPARTMENTALIZE.”

The Good: “I learn a lot about myself, because relationships with different people bring out other parts of me. If there’s something my primary partner can’t give me—maybe I’m drawn to someone with a different sense of humor—I don’t have to compartmentalize.”

The Bad: “Since what we’re doing is generally taboo, we’ve lost friends because there’s a lot of judgment. We don’t hide, and there are people who seem pretty uncomfortable when they find out.”

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Top Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do

by zfortadminin LOVE

When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.

Whether because of shyness, lack of interest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.

In addition to wanting someone with whom they can raise children and build a secure life, those considering marriage now expect their spouses to be both best friend and confidant. These romantic-comedy expectations, in part thanks to Hollywood, can be difficult to live up to.

Sure, there are plenty of questions couples can ask of each other early in the relationship to help ensure a good fit, but let’s face it: most don’t.

“If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets decade after decade, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments down the line.

The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?

A relationship’s success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsored that indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.) Raising these issues early on can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said people are “hesitant to explicitly talk about their past” and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. “The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple,” he said.

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.

6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means, added Dr. Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.

8. Do we like each other’s parents?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr. Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.

9. How important is sex to you?

Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Mr. Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking to experience different things through sex — pleasure versus feeling young, for example — some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.

10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

Dr. Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography, flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner outright for his or her views on pornography. Couples are often too scared to ask about this early in the relationship, but he has frequently seen it become a point of tension down the line, he said.

11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms. Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them. Mr. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.

12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough to just “click together,” as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original “click.”

13. How do you see us 10 years from now?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr. Eisenberg.

Dr. Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

How to Love Your Man in a More Profound Way

by zfortadminin LOVE

A man who understands the journey, will not apologize for where his mind leads him. He will seek wisdom from any place that it hides. This man is a visionary, and he seeks a woman whose life is her own.

He will own you if you ask it, but only when you allow him into your darkest requests. He will advise you if you need it, but give you space to follow your own truth. He will understand that your journey is a battlefield only you can lay yourself down on.

But ask him for protection and you’ll hear his sword rasp out of its shield.

Love a man who dreams of the future but never wastes today.

Love a man whose intensity keeps the wolves at bay.

Leave your door wide open, he will come to you when you need him – stranger, seeker, sinner; thinker.

Men on their journey push past the mists of the unknown and bare themselves to loss or gain, whichever will find him first, and trusting in the process, awaken stronger, more alive, gifting the world with their insights and inventions.

Men on their journey will enjoy your mind, will yearn to learn from you—will find their pleasure in discovering your truth.

Men on their journey are wild and sensual. Because their soul knows no boundaries, their thoughts are limitless, their voices can either soothe or excite.

Love a man who shakes loose the questions of the ages, who throws himself in to the sea, seeking salty respite from the ravages of his quests, who listens to the call of mermaids, and believes that the spirit world holds more wisdom than all the books in the world.

Love a man who’ll be on his journey until his dying day.

You’ll know him by his integrity. He’ll never tell you that he’s finished being the adventurer.

You’ll know him by his vulnerable heart.

Curated by Timothy
Original Article

Pages: 1 2

Far Fetched? How a Woman Fell In Love With Her Sperm Donor.

by zfortadminin LOVE

The memoir describes the heartwrenching lives of Ms Hart’s first two sons, Marlon and Louis, who were both born with X-linked myotubular myopathy, which affects only boys. Marlon lived for just 14 weeks and Louis died at 14 months.

Ms Hart told Nine she felt the memoir was largely a tribute to her lost sons, so it didn’t come without its emotional challenges.

“Because their lives were so short I thought it would be a beautiful thing for them that can bring them to life and give their life a bit more meaning and context,” she said.

“I realised how emotionally we wrap things up in little boxes and tuck them away just to carry on. To access that part of my life was really emotional.”

Ms Hart, now in a much happier place, said she did not take for granted the joy she had with her daughter and new husband.

“(Leila) is such an easy kid to parent, just a delight. She wakes up smiling goes to bed smiling,” she said.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Pages: 1 2

Self Love …You Can Achieve it More Rapidly Than You Think

by zfortadminin LOVE

5. Count your blessings.

There’s a lot of chat about the importance of gratitude. It can seem like it couldn’t possibly be that easy to be happy, so we overlook it. Ultimately, it’s just like anything in life: You can only infer so much from thinking about something. Transformation occurs when we actually TRY things.

If you’re unable to appreciate what you have now, it doesn’t matter what happens to you in the future: it will never be enough. Cultivating a daily gratitude practice helps you to be in the moment and to see the joy in everything. I’m on Periscope every Monday to Friday at 12.30 p.m. Eastern talking about the things I’m grateful for and inviting my audience to do the same. It’s an awesome ritual to help you become a stronger, happier, and more resilient person.

You could also rope your family and friends into it! Every morning and evening, ask the people you’re with to list the five things they’re most thankful for. Encourage them to be specific. “Having a job” is generic gratitude, but “The coffee shop was playing Al Green this morning” is deep gratitude. That means you have to really think about it. The benefits of being specific are massive and to be encouraged. This extremely simple practice can truly change your life. Try it and see for yourself!

There are so many ways to fall in love with your life — these barely scratch the surface.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Pages: 1 2 3

Impermanent Relationship Commitment… Just Right for This Couple

by zfortadminin LOVE, Sex

I wanted kinship, drama, and obsession with someone eccentric in my twenties; equality, worldliness, and stability with someone calm in my thirties; intimacy, attention, and adventure with someone exotic in my forties.

A few years ago, my husband, Rob, and I converted our traditional marriage to a polyamorous one. It’s been remarkably smooth. We’re very happy with our choice. And yet eventually we’ll probably divorce. Does this mean that polyamory failed us? Not at all.

Like many of our generation, Rob and I are children of divorce, and so when we got married a dozen years ago, we designed a quasi-Buddhist ceremony that made room for the concept of anicca, or impermanence. We wrote our own vows and left out the “until death do we part” and “forsaking all others” stuff: Instead, we spoke about the inevitability of change and pledged to support one another as we continued to evolve.

We meant it, but we had no idea what that might look like. We didn’t anticipate that our evolution could involve the desire for sex and relationships with other people.

But that’s what happened. In our previous relationships and with one another, we’d both been serial monogamists, but after we finished having babies, we looked around and realized that although many things about our marriage were stellar—close friendship, mutual support and admiration, compatible co-parenting—we weren’t ideal for one another sexually. We never really had been. Our libidos don’t match; I’m more “sex motivated” of the two of us. Our relationship had thrived despite a lack of romantic chemistry.

This is not an unusual revelation, of course, and in most marriages, it results in screaming matches, or swallowed resentment, or affairs conducted amidst lies and betrayals. But Rob and I didn’t see our “problem” that way—we didn’t even really see it as a problem. We saw it as a reality, and an opportunity for positive change. We became poly.

I look at it like this: Humans go through multiple phases over the course of a lifetime. It makes sense that our relationship needs shift, too. I wanted kinship, drama, and obsession with someone eccentric in my twenties; equality, worldliness, and stability with someone calm in my thirties; intimacy, attention, and adventure with someone exotic in my forties. Each phase has required partners with different personalities, interests, and energies. As I see it, it’s unfair to expect one person to evolve over many decades on a precisely parallel path to my own. Which is why I also believe that we should stop thinking about the end of a marriage as a crisis and start thinking about it as a reality.

Maybe longevity isn’t the best indicator of a relationship’s success. Why not measure marriages by the level of satisfaction reported, or the self-actualization achievable, or how much the people respect one another even after it’s over, rather than as an endurance test? In Gaga Feminism: Sex, Gender and the Edge of Normal,the cultural critic Jack Halberstam calls our culture’s infatuation with long-term monogamy “the romance of permanence.” In a 2012 interview, Halberstam suggested that rather than have weddings to celebrate the beginning of a union, we instead throw parties to honor milestones like getting through a difficult job loss or health crisis together, or to reward surviving the sleepless years of early parenting, or to cheer an amicable and fruitful separation.

HAVING SPENT THE LAST FEW YEARS LIVING POLY WILL ACTUALLY MAKE DISSOLVING THE HUSBAND-AND-WIFE PHASE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP A LOT GENTLER THAN IF WE HADN’T TAKEN THAT LEFT TURN AT SEXYTOWN.

Poly people tend to view divorce in a less binary way than mainstream culture does. Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist who studies polyamory, has written about how, in contrast to a dominant worldview in which a “successful” relationship is one which is “the two people involved remain together at all costs,” polyamorists have a broader and more flexible take on the demise of relationships. “Poly people,” she writes, “ultimately define their relationships as both voluntary and utilitarian, in that they are designed to meet participants’ needs.” We understand that the relationship might have to change when needs change. One of the people Sheff interviewed called this “moving apart without blame.” Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow, with her “conscious uncoupling,” was onto something after all.

In this regard, monogamous couples could stand to learn a thing or two from those of us forging an alternative path. For Rob and me, our guess is that having spent the last few years living poly will actually make dissolving the husband-and-wife phase of our relationship a lot gentler than if we hadn’t taken that left turn at Sexytown.

For the last few years, most days at my house look like this: my partner Mike, who lives with us, helps me with dinner while Rob tends to the kids. We all eat together, and then Mike and I put the kids to bed while Rob texts a woman he’s met on OKCupid. Once the kids are down, the three of us sit on the couch for a movie and a cup of tea. Sometimes Rob stays home with the kids while Mike and I go out dancing. Sometimes Mike and I stay home while Rob travels for work or goes on a date. Sometimes Rob and I go out to a play while Mike stays home. Sometimes Mike and I take the kids camping and Rob spends the weekend combing bookstores. Sometimes Mike and Rob watch football together while I volunteer. Sometimes we all take a family vacation together.

IT HELPS THAT BOTH THESE MEN ARE TIDY CANCERS WHO SHARE A LOVE FOR PROGRESSIVE POLITICS AND SPORTS BLOGS; THEY ARE ALSO GUYS WHO HAVE ALWAYS ENJOYED LIVING WITH MALE FRIENDS.

Our arrangement wouldn’t work for everyone. It helps that, when Rob and I first became poly, our kids were very young, young enough so that this has pretty much always been their normal. It also helps that Mike didn’t have kids of his own, but is great with ours: my kids say they have two dads. And it helps that both these men are tidy Cancers who share a love for progressive politics and sports blogs; they are also guys who have always enjoyed living with male friends. And they’re wonderful, generous, thoughtful people who like each other, who love me, and who value the extra help and freedom that comes with having a third adult around: there’s a symbiosis they have together. We might argue about stuff like what to feed the kids for lunch or who threw out the last of the conditioner, but I honestly can’t remember a fight that stemmed purely from the fact of our poly arrangement.

Rob’s turning 50 soon, and he recently said that he’s thinking about the possibility of considering a shift within the next few years. We’ve been together for nearly two decades, and I know that his shifting need is not a reflection on me or an indication that I’ve fallen down on the job as his wife, any more than my relationship with Mike is an indication that Rob is somehow deficient as a husband. So we’re having an ongoing conversation about whether this might mean that he’d move out, and if such a move is an economically wise for us, and where the best place to move might be, and if separate households might necessitate a legal proceeding like divorce. Nothing feels dire, and no one feels hurt or rejected.

Practicing polyamory has helped us refrain from seeing this as a failure: failure to be everything to one another, failure to be people we’re not. Like many of the folks Dr. Sheff has reported on in her studies, we’re able to see a shift in the parameters of our relationship as an inevitable change rather than a reason for guilt or anger or blame. We love each other and we want each other to be happy, and part of being happy means getting our needs met. We want to support—not stand in the way of—one another getting our needs met, even if those needs involve reconfiguring our partnership. We know we can still be close and loving, no matter our relationship status.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article