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5 Tips for Non-Violent Communication to Use in Any Relationship, Inspired by John Cena

by RJ Newellin RELATIONSHIPS

On July 4, John Cena reached the hearts of millions with a simple, yet powerful PSA called We Are America.

You can watch it here.

This video could not have come at a better time. Today, war is everywhere; racism is a deadly epidemic; homophobia is a danger…and the political climate is stormy, to say the least. Chances are, you will run into a great deal of heated conversations this week – both on social media and IRL.

“Non-Violent Communication” is a term you might hear thrown around in meditation classes or therapy sessions – but it’s much more than that. It’s a powerful tool that everyone can use.

  1. Consider the issue from all angles.

    In We Are America, Cena asks viewers to close their eyes and picture the “average” American. He doesn’t start out by telling us what we’re “supposed” to think; he simply asks for our point of view.

Aristotle once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” You can listen to another person’s views without giving up your own. Keeping an open mind gives you a better chance of discovering what you have in common. This creates a foundation of trust.

Remember – the goal is ultimately for the other person to entertain your point of view, just as you’re entertaining theirs. If you offer yourself as an example of what peaceful communication looks like, they may be more likely to reciprocate.

  1. State your observations, facts first.

    After asking viewers to picture their “average” American, John Cena offers some rapid-fire facts about our country. “51 percent [of American citizens] are female,” he states. “So first off, the average American is a woman.” By offering hard data to support his position, Cena solidifies his perspective as true.

In personal conversations, using “I” statements and presenting undisputable facts are the most effective ways to communicate peacefully. For example: “I’ve noticed that you use a number of racial slurs from time to time,” is a lot less divisive than just saying “You’re a racist.”

Rather than labeling them outright (“racist”), present some facts and/or previous incidents (“racial slurs”) to support your position.

  1. Empathy is a superpower. Use it.

    By expressing your feelings about a certain subject, you’re initiating an emotional exchange. In the PSA, Cena argues against the wrong definition of “patriotism” that people use to justify hatred. But he doesn’t say “stop being bigots, America.” Instead, Cena offers empathy: if we really want to love our country (and he believes we do) then we ought to love the people in it – regardless of gender, orientation, religion or race.

“After all, what’s more American than freedom to celebrate the things that make us – us?”

Notice he said “us.” We all deserve acceptance; that’s the point.

To receive empathy, you must also give it. By saying something like, “I feel sad and scared that you would _____,” you’re being vulnerable. And that gives the other person space to lower their defenses and be vulnerable, too.

  1. Add value.

    In the video, John Cena gives us a choice to add value to our lives by contributing directly to the country we love. He effectively communicates that our point of view matters. And to be needed is to be important.

Instead of saying “you’re holding me back,” one might instead say “I need support from you in _____.” Articulating your needs in this way shows others that they can be a meaningful part of the solution.

When we explain our needs to others, we add value to their cooperation. And cooperation is the goal of non-violent communication.

  1. Don’t be afraid to make requests.

    For people planning to celebrate their patriotism with fireworks and flags, John Cena ends the PSA with a simple call to action (of sorts). “Remember that to love America means to love all Americans…because love has no labels.”

You can’t change a person’s mind; all you can do is offer them an alternative. This can be done with a final request: “Would you be willing to stop using words like ____?” “Would you like to talk to a professional?” or, “Would you be interested in hearing more about this next time we meet?” Questions like these leave the ball in their court. The rest is not in your control.

Nonviolence means knowing when to walk away.

At the end of the day, your opinions are yours. But facts belong to everybody, so here’s the most important one: Love is the single most powerful force on the planet. It’s available to all of us, free of charge. And the more you practice it, the stronger love gets. Nonviolent communication is one of the most effective ways to bring lasting change in a world that really needs it.

Self-Love 101, with Brie Larson

by RJ Newellin LOVE

I’ve struggled with a lot of self-doubt, this month. Like most young women, worrying about my appearance and self-worth takes up a great deal of my mental energy.

One night, (like any sad Millennial up past her bedtime) I found myself looking to Google for validation. I searched ‘self-love,’ hoping to find some permission, somewhere, to embrace it myself. And then, it happened. The miracle. I actually found what I was looking for.

Meet your new Patron Saint of Self-Love: Brie Larson.

Brie’s Instagram and Twitter accounts have become beautiful channels for her to celebrate self-love and practice compassion, one funny caption at a time.

Screen Shot 2016-07-13 at 1.25.01 PM
(Photo credit below)

Before now, I couldn’t imagine Brie Larson having bad days. I mean, she’s fabulously talented, beautiful, and successful. But even the most glamorous celebrities look bad from time to time, because they’re human – and a lot of them pay other people to make sure this doesn’t ruin their ‘public image.’ But Brie’s image, public or otherwise, is 100% herself.

I hate to say it… but in today’s Hollywood, loving yourself is a brave thing to do.

As women, famous or not, it can be hard to appreciate ourselves as we are. After all, we live in a society that profits from our self-doubt. We are taught to monitor our imperfections constantly and do our best to conform to whatever beauty ideal is hot at the moment. But perfection is a losing battle. Even supermodels needs stylists, makeup artists, personal trainers, and fashion designers who are paid to make them look flawless – and that’s before photo shop!

Nobody is perfect, not even those whose livelihoods rely on the illusion that they are.

SO, instead of obsessing over unreachable goals, let’s rebel and love ourselves. Instead of ogling somebody’s “cellulite” in a paparazzi photo, how about we gush over public figures that actually inspire us?

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How Peace Directly Correlates to Sex

by zfortadminin Sex

The evidence is clear: The best predictor of a state’s stability is how its women are treated.

In the academic field of security studies, realpolitik dominates. Those who adhere to this worldview are committed to accepting empirical evidence when it is placed before their eyes, to see the world as it “really” is and not as it ideally should be. As Walter Lippmann wrote, “We must not substitute for the world as it is an imaginary world.”

Well, here is some robust empirical evidence that we cannot ignore: Using the largest extant database on the status of women in the world today, which I created with three colleagues, we found that there is a strong and highly significant link between state security and women’s security. In fact, the very best predictor of a state’s peacefulness is not its level of wealth, its level of democracy, or its ethno-religious identity; the best predictor of a state’s peacefulness is how well its women are treated. What’s more, democracies with higher levels of violence against women are as insecure and unstable as nondemocracies.

Our findings, detailed in our new book out this month, Sex and World Peace, echo those of other scholars, who have found that the larger the gender gap between the treatment of men and women in a society, the more likely a country is to be involved in intra- and interstate conflict, to be the first to resort to force in such conflicts, and to resort to higher levels of violence. On issues of national health, economic growth, corruption, and social welfare, the best predictors are also those that reflect the situation of women. What happens to women affects the security, stability, prosperity, bellicosity, corruption, health, regime type, and (yes) the power of the state. The days when one could claim that the situation of women had nothing to do with matters of national or international security are, frankly, over. The empirical results to the contrary are just too numerous and too robust to ignore.

But as we look around at the world, the situation of women is anything but secure. Our database rates countries based on several categories of women’s security from 0 (best) to 4 (worst). The scores were assigned based on a thorough search of the more than 130,000 data points in the WomanStats Database, with two independent evaluators having to reach a consensus on each country’s score. On our scale measuring the physical security of women, no country in the world received a 0. Not one. The world average is 3.04, attesting to the widespread and persistent violence perpetrated against women worldwide, even among the most developed and freest countries. The United States, for instance, scores a 2 on this scale, due to the relative prevalence of domestic violence and rape.

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How Standing Rock Showed Me How to Love

by RJ Newellin LOVE

In case you haven’t heard, thousands of activists have assembled in Standing Rock, North Dakota.

[Image: @OcetiCampNews]
[Image: @OcetiCampNews]
People from all over the world have joined in solidarity to stop disaster from occurring. Police brutality, illegal arrests and harsh weather have caused extensive damage and heartbreak. In spite of all their obstacles, the people of Standing Rock are more determined than ever to save their water. It’s inspiring, and heartbreaking.

I wanted to help. So, I went. I expected, at the very least, to be depressed by what I found there. But I was very wrong. The circumstances that brought this community together were certainly unfortunate, but the love I found there was unprecedented. Standing Rock has changed my life, in nearly every aspect. The way I organize and lead, how I approach my relationships, and how I see myself – it’s all shifted in a better direction. My goal in going was to give, but in doing so, I received some truly wonderful gifts.

“I’ve rarely seen so much love, gratitude, determination, resilience,” Jane Fonda said after a recent visit.  I agree, wholeheartedly.

Standing Rock taught me more about love than anywhere else I’ve been on Earth. It is with deep gratitude that I share these things with the LoveTV community, and I hope that readers take them to heart.

Here are a few concepts I learned from the elders and community of Standing Rock, that apply directly to love. You can use these ideas to improve your own life, wherever you are – and trust me, the positive effects will be contagious. Feel free to try out one (or all!) of the challenges I’ve shared here. Let us know what happens in the comments, below.

  1. Community is everything. Seek it out.

To “commune” is to participate in intimate communication with another person or group. At Standing Rock, a group of thousands collaborated in creating a conscious community. Coming from Los Angeles, I was initially uncomfortable with trusting a total stranger to help me pitch a tent. In less than a day, however, I was the stranger offering help to countless others.

The difference between isolation and community is simply showing up. At Standing Rock, thousands united with a common goal. This manifested in prayer, discussion, action and co-creation. It’s easier to love yourself when you’re part of something bigger, and community is available wherever you are.

Community challenge:

Find your tribe. Go on a walk with friends once a week. Call your out of state relatives and offer support. Allow yourself to be needed. You’ll be impressed by the results.

  1. Gratitude is love’s strongest muscle. Use it.

At Standing Rock, we were on sacred ground. Prayer was happening everywhere, whether it was chanting around a sacred fire, dancing beneath the stars, meditating in silence, or simply putting in a day’s work. An atmosphere of gratitude penetrated every aspect of life at camp.

Prayer is gratitude, expressed. That’s it! Whether you’re thankful to a higher power, or you’re just glad the world is spinning – express it. Gratitude is as much for your benefit as it is theirs.

For me, saying “thank you” is the quickest shortcut to deeper connection. By looking a friend, partner, or stranger in the eye and offering the gift of gratitude, you’re consciously saying ‘I’m here.’ That’s love, in the purest sense.

Gratitude challenge:

Offer gratitude to someone in your life. Whether it’s a quick text, email, or delivered face-to-face, tell them why you appreciate them. Did a friend send you a note that made your day? Did your doctor give you excellent care a few months back? Tell them! Pay attention to how it makes you feel, and how they respond. Repeat this the next day, and the next – until gratitude comes easily. Notice how your world improves.

  1. The goal of debate should be finding agreement. Argue with this in mind.

Standing Rock is a resistance camp, but their goal is peaceful resolution. At one demonstration, activists thanked the police for their presence, even after some of us had been maced and beaten. This gratitude was genuine, because police had honored us by being present. Even if neither side “won” that day, conflict was diminished by searching for agreement. That, in itself, is a win.

At another gathering, #NoDAPL activists were peacefully protesting with signs in hand. Across the street, an angry mob of #ProDAPL protestors began screaming at the indigenous people gathered there. I approached them, peacefully. It took some time to get them to stop yelling, but once they did, I asked them why they were protesting. Surprisingly, our opposition wanted a lot of the same things we did. If this were a talking circle, where we all tried to find agreement, there would be no need for signs, pepper spray or riot gear.

The truth is, conflict doesn’t always have two sides. People often fight over different versions of the same basic needs. The Standing Rock Sioux (and their Native American allies) have made agreement a priority in resolving conflict. This same tactic can be applied to domestic arguments, family disagreements, and diffusing hostility from opposing views.

Agreement Challenge:

Think of an unresolved conflict in your life. Do you and your partner disagree on a specific issue? Is your family politically split? Try removing your need to be “right” from the equation, and entertain perspectives on both sides. Exploring why people feel the way they do often says more than the feelings themselves. Is there one thing that you can all agree on? That thing might be your one-way ticket to resolving the conflict, once and for all.

  1. Love is more important than anything else in your life. Take good care of it.

At Standing Rock, everyone had one goal in mind: save the water. This goal was aligned with each person’s core values and their love for the planet, themselves, and each other. It was love! That’s what was most important.

In this extreme environment, nobody cared what my day job was. Nobody asked how much money I had. Love required my heart, my focus, and a pair of helping hands. That’s it.

Relationships are as important as you make them. Prioritizing love (for yourself, others, and the world) is more crucial to your mental and spiritual well being than all the money in the world.

Love challenge:

Perform some acts of love today, whenever opportunities present themselves. Open a door for someone, write a thoughtful note, offer a compliment or a thank you. You have no idea how big the impact will be until you try it.

Standing Rock is everywhere. It lives in every act of love, every grateful thought, and every positive action. I will carry these truths with me always.

I hope that you will, too.