The Strange Romances of “Dancing With the Stars”

March 17, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

In the world of television and reality-TV, it is expected that one would find many examples of contestants finding romance or chemistry whilst in the midst of filming.

After all, shows such as “The Bachelor” are created so that people can find love. But what about a show like the very popular hit: “Dancing With the Stars”? As season 24 is set to begin on Monday, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the possibilities for matchmaking that exist in this season’s new cast. This “chemistry between dance partners” thing has happened on multiple occasions throughout the show’s run, so either there is something in the air on that dance floor, or host Tom Bergeron is secretly matching people together behind the scenes with his witty charm.

In past seasons, there was the pairing of pro dancers Emma Slater and Sasha Farber, who announced their engagement on the show live in 2016. Mario Lopez and pro dancer Karina Smirnoff had an immediate attraction during their 2006 pairing on the show. When their romance fizzled just months later, it was rumored that Lopez had been cheating. Very soon after, Smirnoff then ended up dating fellow pro-dancer Maksim Chmerkovsky, and the two got engaged. Then, the two split, just a few months later, calling off their engagement.

Are you confused yet? I am. Actress Shannon Elizabeth fell hard for pro-dance partner Derek Hough, and the two were an item in 2009 for more than a year. And then they weren’t. One of the most obvious attractions I can recall on the show happened between Maksim and Meryl Davis, during season 18. The two never admitted to a romance, but the sparks were hot and heavy from the start, and the judges commented on their sexual tension almost every week. (To be fair, Judge Bruno Tonioli could find sexual tension in a chunk of plywood). And in another twist, that Maksim sure gets around! He was also rumored to be dating dance partner (and winner) Erin Andrews, who later became co-host of the show. NOW are you confused? Because I still am.

Basically, everybody dates everybody, because the Rumba is kind of hot, and when you are rehearsing sexy moves together for ten hours a day over a few month period, things tend to get a little bit touchy-feely. Unless you are Judge Len Goodman. Then you just drink some prune juice and take a nap. Sometimes in the middle of the show.

In any case, will romance be in the cards for any of these pairings? Here is a look forward at the upcoming cast, and some entertaining romances that would be fun, or just plain weird, to see, starting this Monday …..

BONNER BOLTON is the world’s former Number One Bull-Rider, and will be paired up with pro-dancer Sharna Burgess. But how hilarious would it be to see him in a budding romance with off the charts, crazy, always seemingly horny Judge Carrie Ann Anaba? The season hasn’t even begun yet, but I guarantee it will be filled with endless innuendos from Anaba about Bolton “riding it” or “getting on top of that bull”. She really enjoys saying things such as that, and having her own little fantasies about the male contestants while she sits behind that judges table.

CHARO is on the show this season (with pro-dancer Keo Motsepe), and really, this needs no further explanation other to be hilarious, because it’s Charo. She has one name. She is actually listed that way on the cast list. No last name. You may remember her dancing from “The Love Boat”, or from other TV shows she appeared in over the decades. She is a pop culture icon who dances, sings, and is just generally entertaining, and she has GOT to be in her 70’s or older by now. Perhaps her and Judge Len Goodman should pair up, since he is also older, and her charm and sparkly personality could fix up his crankiness and moodiness. Seeing them as a couple would be hilarious.

MR. T is on the show this season, as is former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Chris Kattan. Although they are not paired together as dancers, since neither of them are pros, I would pay a lot of money to see them as the new, power, gay couple of the season. Mr. T could yell at Kattan: “I pity the fool who says no to me!”, and Kattan could do one of his many wacky characters in response.

Olympic ice-skater Nancy Kerrigan is dancing this season, which begs the question, where the hell is Tanya Harding? If Harding was on the show and didn’t win the Mirror Ball Trophy, I would hate to see what kind of action she would take in protest. Not pretty.

Nick Viall just finished his run as “The Bachelor” this week, and he got engaged to Vanessa Grimaldi. Starting Monday, he will be paired up with pro-dancer Peta Mergatroyd, and history has shown from past seasons, that this is NOT the best way to begin your engagement – by spending 10 to 15 hours a day dancing all sweaty-like with another beautiful woman. Let’s see if Nick and Vanessa can survive the jealousy of the Tango or the Salsa, or will Nick succumb to the gorgeous Peta, and leave Vanessa in the dust?

Perhaps Bergeron and Andrews can up their co-host game and start flirting with one another. Or maybe the two male judges can take turns dating Carrie Ann, the female judge. Or perhaps Mr. T and Charo will have a little fling, and then Maksim Chmerkovsky will break them up so he can have Charo all to himself, because apparently he dates every single dancer on the show. The possibilities are endless, and quite humorous. I can’t wait to see what surprising couples emerge out of this upcoming season, and the many ways that love (or lust) spring to life. To see what happens, tune in this Monday, March 20th, on ABC.

DWTS Premiere: “LoveTV” Rates Each Couple’s Chemistry on the “Love Meter”

March 23, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin DATING ADVICE

This Monday, “Dancing With the Stars” premiered, and as per usual, it was a blast.

The show, even after 756 seasons, (I could be exaggerating slightly on that number) is still just as relevant, just as fun, and just as surprising. Host Tom Bergeron still sports his wonderful mix of warm and witty, the judges panel is as fiesty and hilarious as ever with their strange comments, and each season’s new cast seems to beat out the one before it, when it comes to complete randomness. As Bergeron pointed out on his Twitter page (@Tom_Bergeron), “this year’s cast has plenty of charisma, and plenty of cray-cray!” (slang term for crazy, for those of you watching who are from the Len Goodman era.)

Now, while the judges panel is known for judging and critiquing each couple’s dance movement, choreography, performance, and technique – the show seems to be lacking over the years on having someone there to judge each couple based only on their chemistry, or lack thereof. Nobody has ever judged or critiqued the pairs, based not on the dance itself, but on how they interact with one another, their chemistry as a dance couple, and their likability (or obvious distain) for each other.

Until now. This season, for the first time ever, LoveTV will rate each couple’s “love meter score”, using a very specific and scientific formula (I made it up), to determine that couple’s chemistry, in a weekly piece right here. The judges on the show use a simple number system of 1 through 10 when it comes to scoring. The Love Meter score, will be a lot more complex and fun, using different catchphrases and awesome metaphors and things, to determine from week to week where each pair stands when it comes to their chemistry. And it’s not only the dancers! Using this special formula, I will also point out any other noticeable chemistry bonds, including feuds and friendships between judges, hosts, and anyone else that seems interesting that week. Are you ready? Because this is going to be epic!

NORMANI AND VAL:

So, the pop-star from the group “5th Harmony”, and her pro dance partner, opened the show with their Quickstep, which was more like a “medium-fast step.” Bergeron called it a “high octane start” to the season, and I mostly agree. Grumpy Judge Len Goodman said: “It was long-winded. Carrie Ann Inaba said the couple should practice “more partnering”, which I think means that they should go out and maybe join a swingers club. I’m not sure. In any case, their chemistry for me was pleasant, but nothing off the charts. Definitely no love potential there, but a friendship may indeed blossom.

Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7

Love Meter Score: I give them a “WARM AND FUZZY”, like an old raggedy blanket that you just can’t make yourself throw away. Ever.

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“Dancing With the Stars” The Love Meter Review from LOVE TV – Week Two

March 29, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Here is the break down of the couple’s chemistry or lack thereof and who gave us fever this week…

So, last week, we here at LOVE TV began a fun new new venture – rating the chemistry of each pair of dancers on the hit show: “Dancing With the Stars”, in our weekly “Love Meter Review.” Tom Bergeron, TV’s wittiest host, was kind enough to share our first piece on his Twitter page (a “retweet.”) The idea is simple: While the judges panel is busy giving their scores on and judging the dancing and technique, we use our own very special and scientific method (I made it up) to determine the chemistry or lack thereof, from week to week, of each couple. Now, as the stress gets higher in the competition, or as relationships grow and change between pairs, their chemistry can also change. We also have a cast filled with some pretty colorful personalities this season, so things could get interesting. Last week, since it was the premiere episode, nobody was eliminated. This week, the first elimination took place, which I will reveal at the end of the article who went home (I don’t think anyone is really surprised here by who it was.) So, let us begin!

**NANCY AND ARTEM- *Code Red**

They did a Latin dance, and as much as Artem tries to build up Kerrigan’s ego, it is fragile from her many days as an Olympian, listening to the harsh critiques of Russian judges screaming at her. Seriously, when Artem tried to simply compliment Nancy during rehearsal footage, she had a breakdown and ran away crying, saying: “He’s saying nice things to me! I cant handle this right now!” Seriously, what the hell do these Olympic coaches and judges do to these athletes psyche? Artem is trying, but Nancy seems fearful of the words “good job.” She practically runs out of the room screaming. Their dance was pleasant and sweet. Len said: “you lost a bit of control, like my bladder.” Carrie Ann said that Nancy found herself out there.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Well, I would give them a high number, but that might send Kerrigan screaming out of Hollywood and back to her safe space, so let’s go with “CODE RED TRAUMA ALERT” for this week.

**ERIKA AND GLEB- *Glitter**

They did the Foxtrot, and during rehearsals, things seemed a tad odd when he said to cameras: “I like her”, and she said back: “I don’t need you to like me. I need you to make me look good.” He did just that, and their dance was really nice, but I still feel a plastic-like quality to their relationship and bond. Something about it seems a bit superficial. Bruno said the dance was “a sex-trot!”, which I guess means that it was sexy. Len called it a “Beverly Hills Foxtrot”, which I guess means it was glamorous. I still think Gleb is a interesting name, but who cares, when you look like THAT!

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: “GLITTER.” Very shiny. Very pretty. Falls apart easily.

**CHARO AND KEO-*Hurricane**

This woman is a trip. She HAS to be in her late 70’s if not older. Can someone pleaase find out for me? I dont think its on record anywhere, her age. But those legs and those breasts and those hips, wow! And then she opens her mouth to speak, and it’s like: “what on earth is this woman saying?” Nobody knows. Even Bruno is confused, and he is the KING of nonsense sentences. They did the Paso Doble, and Charo said its a very personal dance for her, and speaks to her passion for Spain and tells the story of her life. When she and Keo speak, its as if they are on two different planets entirely. Also, she is out of control. She screams into the microphone, grabs it from Bergeron, and tries to flee the show, during the show!!! For real. Erin Andrews was interviewing her backstage, and she started running away to go back out onto the dance floor area. Keo had to literally hold her back and stop her. I almost feel like poor Keo has to babysit this crazy chick. I hope he is getting paid extra. Bruno said of Charo: “You are your own creation! You’re a tornado!” Charo replied: “You have a funny accent! Your english sucks!” Really. She said that. She is off her meds I think. Or she’s on Carrie Ann’s meds. Or Len’s. Either way, it’s not good.

Judges Scores: 6/6/7/6

Love Meter Score: I’m giving these two the score of “HURRICANE!” They are a force to be reckoned with, things are flying everywhere, nobody knows what the hell is going on, and when they talk to each other, it just sounds like gusty wind and chaos.

**NICK AND PETA-*Old Couch**

They also did the Foxtrot. Their relationship seems to be growing week by week. Not in a romantic way, but a nice friendship where they are comfortable together and like to tease each other and joke around. They are playful, fun, organic. Their dance was the same. Carrie Ann told Nick: “You have to breathe when you move.” So, yes, that’s helpful advice. Make sure that you inhale and exhale. Len got very grumpy after this dance, and continued that way until the end of the show. Someone must have messed around with his oat bran, or maybe he was upset because someone taped over his episode of “Murder She Wrote” on the DVR at the home. In any case, he wasn’t in a good mood, and yelled at them for being “hectic, no control, madness!” Again, like his bladder. Julianne loved their partnership.

Judges Scores: 7/5/7/6 (the 5 came from Grumpypants Len)

Love Meter Score: I’m giving their chemistry a score of “OLD COUCH.” Comfortable, a bit predictable, soft, easygoing, and you have a feeling there might be an old sock hiding inside of Nick’s Brillo Pad hair-poof.

**HEATHER AND MAKS-*Blind Date**

Well, this week, it will be a bit tough to judge the chemistry of Heather and Maks, since Maks injured himself indefinitely and was unable to dance. He landed wrong on his ankle during rehearsals, and it didn’t sound or look good. So, in came the substitute pro-dancer, Alan, who learned their Jive routine in a matter of hours. I thought they looked great out there, but once again, Len “Get off my lawn, you crazy kids!” Goodman, found a reason to get upset. “It was a waste! I don’t want to see hip-hop! I want to see Jive! Come out here and do a Jive!”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/8 (guess who the 6 came from?)

Love Meter Score: I’m going to give Heather and her brand new, temporary partner, a love meter score of: “BLIND DATE!”, because that is what this was. I would say it was a successful blind date though. Not sure if there will be a second date or not, but their bond showed promise.

**BONNER AND SHARNA- *Feelin Hot**

These two hotties are still trying to fan the flames of all the rumors being spread from last week’s premiere, that they are dating, they are an item, etc. The chemistry between them is definitely there, and spreading like wildfire, even as they deny that anything is going on. Again in rehearsal footage, Bonner commented to cameras about Sharna’s beauty. “A pretty dance, with a pretty lady.” They were also holding hands during rehearsal footage. Not to sound like I’m in high-school or anything, but these two are SOOOO into each other! Julianne saw it. She said: “I feel like I was watching something unfolding.” Bruno told Bonner not to “go woody.” I don’t even want to know what that means. Len was STILL angry and yelling, and this time, the audience booed him. Tom Bergeron hilariously replied to Len’s grumpy comments: “Well, someone needs a sandwich.”

Judges Scores: 8/6/8/7

Love Meter Score: These two are getting a chemistry score of “FEELIN’ HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!”

**SIMONE AND SASHA- *Donnie and Marie**

THey did the Cha-cha, and it was pretty hot. Fire in the background. Very passionate. On the dance floor, they were able to get across the sexy hot theme for their dance. But their chemistry is more sibling-like, and I get the feeling that Sasha is very protective of Simone, and it’s kind of sweet. He can also be a bit tough on her, and expects a lot of her. Bruno said: “You set off all the fire alarms!” She felt a bit weird trying to be sexy, but she pulled it off well.

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a chemistry ranking of “DONNIE AND MARIE OSMOND.” Syrupy-sweet siblings with lots of spunk and talent.

**CHRIS AND WITNEY- *Mommy is Proud**

Well, since he was SO awful last week, of course this week, they make us all feel badly about saying that he was so awful, by sharing his tragic story of how he is basically dancing with an almost broken spine and back. This happened years ago, and apparently, its a miracle he is even able to move, and was told he couldn’t do his physical comedy anymore that he was so known for. Even Witney was crying while looking at his sad x-ray pictures of his spine. So, NOW you tell us!!! Anyway, he still seems defensive to me. Not sure what to make of their dance. It was once again all over the place, and I had no idea what was happening. There was a beret involved, lots of extra background dancers, quite confusing. Julianne called it “focused.” Bruno had the comment of the night when he called the pair: “Marilyn Monroe and Cecille B. Demented!” When they received their scores, Witney was talking to him backstage like he was a puppy. “See that? Good boy! Look! You got a 6! Good boy!”

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5

Love Meter Score: Their chemistry this week was like that of an overworked, guilty mom with her 11 year old, very sensitive son. “Mommy’s gonna dance with you this week, okay? How does that sound? Does that sound fun? Yes? Good boy!!!!” I give them a score of: “MOMMY IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!”

**NORMANI AND VAL – *Strangers In The Night**

They did the Cha-cha. There is an ease between them as partners, but she seems separated from him somehow, like she is somewhere else. Well, technically, she was. Traveling and on tour with her band, but he came with her so they could rehearse during the week. Somehow, they learned the dance and it came across very well. Bruno asked: “What do they serve on that airline? You have such energy! I want to fly with you!” After the show, she was getting on another plane to China. Yikes.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Due to the fact that they barely saw each other this week because of her crazy schedule, I’m giving them a solid score of: “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT – EXCHANGING GLANCES.”

**RASHAD AND EMMA – *Fever**

How did I not notice this dude’s hotness last week? Or did I, and I’m just noticing it all over again and forgetting that I already did notice it last week? Either way, he is hot. They did the Vienesse Waltz, and it was quite sensual and sexy. Bruno called it “50 Shades of Waltz.” Carrie Ann certainly noticed Rashad’s hotness, with her comment about his: “raw, pedestrian masculinity.” Wow. Down, girl!!! Julianne noted that the way in which he holds Emma, is the way that all women wish to be held. All I know is that I wish to be held – by HIM!!!

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: This week, they’re getting a chemistry reading of: “YOU GIVE ME FEVER!” They were hot!

**T AND KYM – *Milk Duds**

They did the Paso Doble, and it was to “Eye of the Tiger.” A huge boxing ring was the set-up, and Mr. T was a boxer in the dance. It seemed like more jabbing than dancing, but I’m not here to judge dancing. Their relationship seems very sweet and genuine, and he seems like underneath all those chains and toughness, he might be a big ole’ teddy bear. Carrie Ann said “you are growing and expanding.” I think she meant mentally, but it sounded like she was telling Mr. T that he was getting fat. Julianne said “I think you’re crushing it.” Len took a nap in his oatmeal.

Judges Scores: 6/5/6/5 (Len woke up long enough to give the grumpy 5.)

Love Meter Score: Sorry, but their chemistry felt weak this time around. I’m giving them a score of “MILK DUDS.”

**DAVID AND LINDSAY – *Energy Drink**

Their song was “Bust a Move”, and he was lipsyncing and rapping and having all kinds of fun. He is so adorable. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home. They have such a great energy together. Like two little kids playing at recess. They just always have fun. Their dance was the same.

Judges Scores: 7/6/7/7

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of “ENERGY DRINK.” They are fun and happy and bouncy.

WHO WENT HOME:

Chris and Witney. Not really a surprise there. He looked quite upset to be the first one leaving, because it does suck to be the first one eliminated by votes and scores. He said: “I wish my surgery was noted before this week, but it wasn’t, but I had an incredible time.” He seems like he might go home hurt and angry. Perhaps Tom Bergeron should get security to gently walk him out of the building, just in case. Or send Charo home with him, so she can annoy him into quiet submission.

Stay tuned for more hijinks and hilarity from LOVE TV’s Love Meter, Next Week!!!!

“Dancing With the Stars” Week 4: The Love Meter Review

April 13, 2017January 22, 2024 by Kelley Lynnin RELATIONSHIPS

Well, it was Week Four on “Dancing With the Stars”, and the show did their signature “Most Memorable Week Ever” show, otherwise known as: “the episode where everybody has an emotional breakdown.” In this week, each of the stars chooses the year of their life that was life-changing or powerful in some way, and then tells that story through their dance. It is always a tear-jerker, and we always find out a lot that we didn’t previously know about each of the contestants. As my favorite host Tom Bergeron said at the top of the show: “It is always one of our most popular and powerful shows.” Yes, it is Tom. So, since the judges panel is already in charge of judging the dancing, we here at Love TV will once again, focus on each couple’s chemistry together, scoring them on our scientific-proven “Love Meter” scale. (I made it up) So here we go. Enjoy ….

NORMANI AND VAL: Anyone for Chinese?

They did the Rumba, and her chosen year was 2012, the year she joined the pop band 5th Harmony and her life changed. The dance was dedicated to her family, who sacrificed everything so she could live her dreams. Julianne said: “You are a powerhouse.” And Bruno yelled while flailing his arms about: “You know what I like, and you give it to me!” Wow, Bruno. Is that the kind of thing that is often said in your bedroom, when it’s just you, yourself, and your right hand? Carrie Ann went into an hour-long definition of what a lift is, because she is obsessed with taking off points if anyone’s toe comes off the floor.

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/9

Love Meter Score: Giving them a chemistry rating of CHINESE FOOD. They are pleasant enough and fun enough to watch, and it tastes good going down, but after awhile, I have forgotten all about them and I’m hungry again.

NICK AND PETA: Hot! Hot!

His most memorable year was 2016, because he met his now fiance Vanessa on “The Bachelor”, and because she would kick his ass on national tv if he had said any other year but that one. Their dance recreated the experience of dating lots of women at once, and then finding love. It was seductive, it was danced to “The Shape of You” so it was more sexual than loving, and it ended by Nick grabbing Vanessa from the audience, lifting up her dress and making out with her a bit too long. Bergeron was trying to move things along before the two went any further, and comedy ensued. Bruno said of shirtless Nick: “Something new is stirring inside you tonight!” (Eww!) Len joked: “Now that I’ve seen you with your shirt off, I see that we have got so much in common.”

Judges Scores: 8/7/8/7

Love Meter Score: Well who cares about Peta and Nick this week – the real chemistry score belongs to Nick and his fiance Vanessa, who practically stripped each other naked on the dance floor and went into full x-rated mode. I’m giving these two a score of TOO SEXY LEVEL HOT!!!

NANCY AND ARTEM: Easy Like Sunday Morning

In this case, the couple’s Foxtrot represented not one year, but an 8 year period in Kerrigan’s life, where she suffered 6 miscarriages. Hearing her talk about it in rehearsal footage was heartbreaking, as she described “feeling like a failure, and shameful.” Eventually, her and her husband went through IVF treatments, and were able to have 2 additional children to add on to the one they had naturally at the start. The dance was soft and lovely, and the judges were moved to tears. Len said that Nancy had “moved from the pack, into a front-runner. Well done!”

Judges Scores: 8/9/8/8

Love Meter Score: I’m giving them a score of LIONEL RICHIE, i.e. “Easy like Sunday morning….”

T AND KYM: Hallelujah!

They did the Waltz, and the year he chose was 1995, when he was diagnosed with a rare cancer. After going through radiation and then chemo, it returned and he needed more treatment. He found his faith that year, and he says that it saved his life. They danced to “Amazing Grace” to give thanks to the miracle of being alive. Carrie Ann said: “Your faith radiated into that dance.” Julianne said: “Your story was so evident on that dance floor.”

Judges Scores: 7/7/7/7

Love Meter Score: Between him and Kym, they are lovely friends indeed. But between him and God? Ill give that score a HALLELUJAH AND AMEN!!!!

HEATHER AND ALAN AND MAKS: The Magic of Three

Yup, the weird threesome continues, as Maks is still unable to dance due to his injury in Week One, so he watches awkwardly from the sideline and cheers his partner on. They did the ChaCha, and the year chosen as 2015, when she married her husband Taylor. They met on MySpace, and Bergeron joked: “The most amazing part of your story is it’s the first time in a decade I’ve heard anyone mention MySpace!” She is a fantastic dancer, but I’m not here to talk about that. The weird part is that she seems to have much better chemistry with Alan, than with Maks. Her and Maks seem blah. Her and Alan are smoother. So what will happen once Maks returns to dance? Who knows. Should be some good drama. Bruno asked the pair: “Can I marry you both?” This threesome just got more interesting.

Judges Scores: 8/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: I’m giving this wacky trio a rating of THREE’S COMPANY. Let the hijinks begin.

DAVID AND LINDSAY: Contagious!

They had the Waltz, and his year was 2016, his last year playing with the Cubs, caught a no-hitter, and they won the World Series. He retired to be a full time dad, and said: “I got to live my dream, my job now is to be a good dad, so they can live their dreams.” His personality rocks. I love watching him. Julianne said: “Your spirit and energy are so infectious.”

Judges Scores: 7/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Im giving their chemistry a score of THE FLU!!! Highly contagious, and easy to catch.

RASHAD AND EMMA: Emotion

This one was super emotional, and for me, the dance of the night. When Rashad was a child, his dad wasn’t home a lot, because he thought his job was to provide , so he worked hard. Years later, when Rashad was in the NFL, his mom called him in 2006, to tell him his dad had a stroke, and his leg would be amputated. Rashad gave up the big contract to play close to home instead and be with his dad. Everyone thought he was nuts, but him and his dad grew closer and now have this beautiful relationship. At the end of their dance, he ran over to his dad, who is now in a wheelchair and was in the audience, and they both cried as they hugged each other. Julianne called it “motion = emotion. No words.” Highest scores of the season, and everyone on earth was crying.

Judge Scores: 10/9/10/10

Love Meter Score: I’m gonna go with that old classic sketch on “Saturday Night Live” from years ago that Mike Myers used to do: IT WAS LIKE BUTTAH!!!!

ERIKA AND GLEB: UHHHHHH!?

Her story was definitely lacking the emotion that the others had. She chose 1989, because that is the year she moved to NYC and became a real adult. The dance seemed weird, because they used Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, and she seemed like she was trying to BE Madonna. So it seemed more like a weird, out of sync Madonna tribute than having anything to do with her own life. Also, Gleb’s creepy skinny moustache looks like a 70’s porn star. Len said: “It’s a bit same ole, same ole, like my bladder.” Okay, I made that last part up. But the dance was weird.

Judges Scores: 8/7/7/8

Love Meter Score: That was ALL KINDS OF AWKWARD!

BONNER AND SHARNA: Secret Lovers

They did a Foxtrot, and the year was 2016, when he became paralyzed after falling on his head off the bull. It was months of rehab, and hi career was over. “You work so hard for something, and it’s just gone”, he said. Their dance showed this struggle and his climb back up into miraculously being able to dance today. Bruno flirted: “Someone is the new leading man in town!” Bonner seems uncomfortable everytime Bruno speaks, which is hilarious.

Judges Scores: 8/8/8/8

Love Meter Score: Between him and Sharna, I’m going with SECRET LOVERS, because they still seem to have a special connection. Between Bonner and Bruno, I’m going with a reading of THREAT LEVEL: STALKER!

SIMONE AND SASHA: Adorable

They Waltzed, and the year was 2008, which was when she was adopted by her grandparents, who told her to call them mom and dad. Her bio mom was not well, had an addiction, was in and out of jail, and Simone ended up in Foster Home until her grandpa said “I’ll take her.” At the end of the dance, she hugged her parents as they all cried. Len called it her best dance yet.

Judges Scores: 9/9/9/9

Love Meter Score: They are adorable, and their chemistry seems to grow, like EASTER FLOWERS, blooming and fresh.

GOING HOME:

Mr. T went home, unfortunately, but even HE knew he wasn’t any good. “I know I couldn’t dance, but I tried”, he said to Erin Andrews at the end of the show. He is a total sweetheart, and not a good dancer. Stay tuned next week for DISNEY WEEK, when the gang dances to Disney classics, Len takes a well-earned nap, and Bonner gets a restraining order against Bruno.