The discussion of masturbation also brings with it question of the use of sexually arousing content like pornographic literature or porn images/videos. There is very little opposition to sexual literature, but there’s definitely a lot of diverse opinion regarding the use of porn images/videos for the sake of masturbation. If there are movies made for romance (love element), movies made for action (hatred element), movies made for comedy (joy element), there are also bound to be movies made for sex and it’s a personal preference on whether one wants to use this form of entertainment. Of course it’s true that there is a lot of exploitation, and abuse, that goes on in the porn industry, especially in the unregulated sectors, and one does need to bring strident regulations, and better management, in this industry, to ensure that there is no exploitation or unhealthy practices that stay prevalent – in a well regulated industry, the performers should be strictly adults who are consenting to do so without being forced against their will. It’s a profession in its own right, with the performers making money from it, and it’s also an expression (there are people who like to share their sex videos, on the internet, purely for the sake of getting a kick from it). The stigma that’s attached to watching porn, or judging people for watching porn, is narrow in it’s own way – it’s just one form of entertainment, and, as long as it’s not made into an imbalanced pre-occupation, is innocuous.
Addiction of any form stems from a place of imbalance – be it addiction to porn or addiction to sex, or addiction to work, or addiction to love, one is not different from the other. It’s also true that watching porn can create some deluded perspectives in the mind of an immature person – for example, expecting your girlfriend to be like a porn-star is just deluded thinking, or for a girl to expect the guy to be as a hung as a porn-star is bound to create disappointments, it’s important to understand that porn caters to “fantasy”, and performers are hired to cater to fantasy. Real-life bodies, real-life sex and real-life “moves” are very different from what you fantasize about, everything comes with its light and dark, there are no “perfections” in real life – you can only imagine/create perfections in your fantasy world.
Also, there is a common tendency to feel threatened if your partner, in your relationship, has the inclination towards using porn for self-pleasure, now and then. The insecurity comes from imagining that your partner is more attracted to the porn-stars than to you, or that he/she is comparing you with the porn-stars and finding you “lesser” in some way. The truth is that, if your partner has an iota of maturity, he/she would know the difference between fantasy and reality, and hence would not draw a comparison between a porn-star and his/her real-life partner, moreover, to use porn for visual stimulation has nothing to do with “attraction” towards the actors performing in it – just like a painting can visually stimulate your sense of aesthetics, a porn movie can visually stimulate your brain’s sex centers, it’s just sexual entertainment – it has nothing to do with real-life attraction. And if you find that your partner has the immaturity of not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, then you have deeper issues to address than just his/her porn watching deal.
There is also the valid point that porn leads to the objectification of women (and possibly men also), or rather just the propagation of an imbalanced view of humans as being “sex objects”. Someone who is immature can easily come to such deluded conclusions based on the depiction in porn – for example, a guy who has had very little real-life interaction with girls can start objectifying girls as sex objects based on how they are depicted in a porn movie, thus becoming disconnected with the reality that in real-life we are “human” with human emotions and multi-faceted personalities, we are not sex robots (which is what porn usually depicts as a “fantasy”). In fact, the media plays a vital role in shaping the perspectives, and it takes some maturity to be able to differentiate skewed perspectives from reality-based perspectives. Again, it’s about having the maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment is fine as long as you understand it’s just fantasy-based, instead of drawing real-life perspectives from it. In fact, a lot of regular movies are fantasy-based, real-life romances don’t always work that way, however they are made purely for entertainment and for catering to some requirement in use to escape reality (for the relief of it), and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it’s seen in this context – the same holds true for porn, it just takes a maturity to not get deluded or imbalanced by it.
Just to add a pointer, if you are deeply offended by the very mention of porn, it could indicate a certain hang-up you might have towards sexual nature, possibly you have this “good boy/girl” stigma attached to yourself, based on some conditioning or upbringing, which has become a form of a hang-up. If you don’t want to watch porn it’s your preference, but don’t make it a harsh judgment on someone who does enjoy it in a balanced manner. Of course, there are imbalanced aspects to watching porn, just as there are imbalanced aspects to everything in life including being in love. The deal is to bring balance, and thus a maturity, towards the expressions, and experiences, that you entertain in your life. To be close-minded is as much an imbalance as it is to be recklessly indulgent – being open-minded is not a license to become over-indulgent, in fact one has to be even more responsible/conscious when one is open-minded so that one does not end up using the inner freedom as an excuse towards imbalanced behavior.
The deal of Celibacy
Some beings are attracted towards practicing celibacy either because they are bored of sex (possibly through several lifetimes of indulgence) or because they naturally feel drawn towards focusing their energy on some specific creative (possibly spiritual) goal and thus want to conserve their energy. In the post – Channel your sexual energy – I talked about developing the capacity towards “containing” your sexual energy without feeling pulled around by it. This is needed to develop a sense of power (stemming from inner freedom) towards your own sexual energy, where you don’t feel like a prisoner to it when it arises in you. However, this was not a pointer towards completely abstaining from sexual expression/release, in the form of sex or masturbation – it was just a pointer towards developing an inner freedom towards the movement of sexual energy in you, through the state of openness/allowing, by no longer fighting it, and no longer being totally identified with it. Once you develop this sense of inner freedom, you can work towards a balanced sexual expression that’s aligned with your personal sexual make-up.
Some people might feel “asexual” (sometimes called “frigid”), in that they may sense no sexual feelings, in them, at all. Of course, sexual nature is present in every living being, however it’s expression may get suppressed fully or it may not find an expression due to lack of exploration. Some people who feel “asexual” might just not be exploring aspects of what excites them – it’s possible that they get excited by some fetish or a certain kink, and their sense of guilt, or lack of awareness, causes them to disconnect with it. Abstaining from sexual activity is not some “evolved” state of being. Sexuality is a nature of life-energy, and this can’t ever be removed. In that sense, abstaining from sexual expression is, at most, a temporary practice that one may indulge in for specific reasons. Celibacy has nothing to do with being enlightened.
The deal of kinks and fetishes
A sexual kink is basically a desire for a “non-normative” sexual activity to further one’s pleasure, gratification or sense of adventure. The only way to define “non-normative” sex is to use it as an umbrella to consider everything other than the “plain old sex”. Some examples of sexual kinks are – role-playing (for ex, the partners might dress up, and act, like a slave and king), a variety of BDSM (playing out scenarios of bondage, play-acting domination and submission, indulging in masochism like spanking or mild electric shocks), cross-dressing (man dressing as a woman, or woman as a man), dirty-talk, public sex, mutual masturbation, rituals etc. Of course, one can have kinks even with respect to masturbation like using sex-toys of different kinds or cross-dressing or even cross-visualizing (where a straight man visualizes himself to be a woman in an act of sex, while masturbating, and vice versa). A sexual fetish is also “non-normative” sexual tendency, but this term is more specifically used to define sexual link-up with a certain “object” or a certain body-part, where a person finds it difficult to get aroused (or get-off) without either thinking/visualizing about it or having it present – for example, fetishes can be towards objects like foot-wear, latex-wear (like spandex etc), rubber, fur, leather, ornaments, piercing or towards certain body parts like feet, navel, under-arms etc. In a lot of ways fetishes are a subset of kinks just that they are very focused on the “objects”.
Sexuality is a nature that’s open to a lot of creativity (after all sexual energy is the essence of creative nature) and hence you see varied forms of expression in this nature in all creations of life including humans. If you don’t have sexual hang-ups, there are several ways in which you can bring a creative “freshness” to your sex-life, of course in many cases you may also need a willing partner so it makes sense to look for someone who has a good level of compatibility with your sexual nature. If you have certain kinks, or fetishes, it’s best to find a partner who is compatible with it, or someone who is open to it – to be with someone who is constantly judging you for your fetish, or kink, can be an exercise in frustration. Of course, the only reason you would end up in such a situation is when you are in resistance to your own “interests”, where you either feel guilty about it or ashamed of it. It’s important to understand that if you have a certain “interest”, or inclination, and if it’s not something that infringes on the rights of others (and is not harmful to your well-being), then it’s something you should be willing to explore in some way as it’s a part of the expression that this body was designed to have.
There are two terms which are used in the BDSM community – SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain dark natured sexual activities like play-acting domination or indulging in some masochism (getting aroused by the pain), it’s just a preference, and what sexually excites you is unique to you, what’s important is to have a sense of awareness about your actions to ensure that you are operating in a state of wisdom. Wisdom dictates that you ensure that your kink/fetish is within the safe-limits, while also making sure that you don’t end up victimizing someone who is not a willing participant in your kink – it’s very important to ensure that your partner is fully willing to participate in the kink, and is not doing so under pressure from you (or to seek approval of you). Also, it’s wise to not discuss your kinks, or fetishes, with someone who lacks an openness and may not understand it (in the section below I discuss “sexual hang-ups”, the last person you want to discuss a kink with is a person with a sexual hang-up) unless you like being termed “weird”.
The deal of spiritual sex
People who have done astral projection (where you, as a soul, consciously step out of your body and travel in the non-physical realm), or who have had out-of-body experiences, mention that sex happens even in the non-physical, and this is in tune with the fact that life-energy has a sexual nature – be it in physical form or non-physical form. Sex in the non-physical happens in the form of sexual energy exchange between souls, it’s a different experience from the physical aspect of sex where the senses can take over the feeling of energy movement. I am not into astral projection and so none of this is my personal experience, this is just something that resonates with me when I read the accounts of people who are into astral-projection and out-of-body experiences. There are practices like “Tantra” which work on the similar principle of focusing on the exchange of sexual energy without requiring physical intercourse – again, I have little, or no idea, about these practices, and have no interest in them either, however, if the idea of it intrigues you then it’s definitely something you can explore, as it has the capacity to deepen your awareness of sexual energy.
The way I see it, as long as you are physical you may as well explore, and enjoy, physicality – you will have plenty of time to explore your non-physical aspects after you die. This is the reason why I don’t feel any real interest in trying to explore non-physical experiences, like astral projection, out-of-body experiences, deep meditations, spiritual drugs or spiritual sex. Of course, it’s totally fine to indulge in spiritual experiences, while being physical, if that’s what you find interesting, but don’t do it because you think it’s some “higher” way to be – it’s just another experience. Of course, you do need to have an openness in your being, where you are not totally lost to the physicality, so that you have access to the wisdom/guidance coming from your non-physical space – this balance between physical and non-physical is necessary to be rooted in wisdom, however it doesn’t make any sense to try to detach from aspects of physicality while you are physical. Some people seem too eager to go back into the non-physical instead of understanding that there is a reason why they choose to come forth into the physical realm, mostly for the purpose of “growth” that may be required in them, which can be had, more quickly, through the opportunities provided in this realm.
Sexual hang ups
Like all natures in life, sexual nature also has a light and dark dimension to it (dark doesn’t mean negative, it’s just a label to reference the polarities – yin/yang). Some people, especially the ones who have some imbalances towards light nature, have certain hang ups towards the dark side of sexuality – basically they are stuck up on the “I am a good boy/girl” label, so stuff like dirty talk, kinkiness, fetishes, role-play, rough sex (also called caveman sex), mutual masturbation or anything that requires sexual overt-ness feels deeply uncomfortable or even shocking to them. They also have a certain “prude” attitude towards sexual behaviors of other people. Or, they may truly want to be overt/open in their sexual expression, and they might have some kinks or fetishes that they would love to explore, but they are afraid of the “bad girl/boy” label, or what’s called the “slut complex”. This form of a hang-up prevents them from connecting fully with their own sexual energy (especially the dark nature of their sexual energy). When your sexual energy is “stuck up” you are likely to attract someone who has a similar issue, basically the end result is sexual frustration and dissatisfaction. People who are sexually stuck-up have this sense of fear towards people who are open/aligned with their sexual nature, and they find security in finding someone who is equally stuck up – they are just seeking security towards their hang-up.
Sexual stuck-up-ness is unattractive per se, it closes down your charisma/magnetism in a huge way. A lot of men, and women, are afraid of being open about their sexual nature, and are sometimes even “apologetic” about it, mostly because of the “good girl/boy” complex that they hold on to – they may be considered “polite”, or even cute or nice, but they are never going to be attractive. The magnetism needed to evoke attraction is largely present in your sexual nature, if you are closed down in your sexuality you are very unlikely to evoke the primal attraction in the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your orientation). Also, to have good sex it’s very important to be “communicative” while having sex, letting your partner know what you want, what you are feeling, what you would like him/her to do, instead of just hoping that your partner gets it right. Of course, if your partner gets offended by your open communication you get to know that he/she has a sexual hang-up (reg flag alert).
I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be kinky while having sex, it may not be your style and that’s fine. It’s just that you need to be authentic with yourself about whether you are holding back on your sexual nature. Some of the behaviors present in people with sexual hang ups are as below
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- A sense of uprightness about their “good girl/boy” self image, being uppity and looking down upon people who are sexually open
- Feeling embarrassed while talking about sex, using “metaphors” (like birds and bees) instead of being straight-forward – again stemming from the “I don’t use dirty words” aspect of the “good girl/body” syndrome
- The tendency to not enjoy self-pleasure/masturbation, feeling guilty about it or feeling ashamed of it
- Feeling intolerant towards sexual behavior in other people, like their kinks or fetishes. Lacking an openness to understand that different people have different sexual proclivities and find different things sexually entertaining
- Feeling jealous, or insecure, about their partner appreciating the sexiness of another person (people who are comfortable with their sexual nature are usually not jealous of the sexiness in others; they also understand that it’s normal to feel sexually aroused/excited by the sexiness in someone, so they don’t judge their partner for it)
- The inability to enjoy “sexual fantasies”, feeling that if they fantasize about something then they might do it in real life. For example, a woman, while shopping with her husband, at a mall, might have a sexual fantasy about a hot sales guy there and feel deeply guilty/shocked/offended at having such a fantasy in her mind, feeling that she might want it in real life or that she is being unfaithful because she had that thought. In truth, fantasies have nothing to do with real life, they are just imaginative projections of your mind – there are no boundaries to thoughts but there are boundaries to how reality works. Enjoying fantasies, in your mind, or enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment, does not mean that you would be inclined towards it in real life.
Even beyond these behaviors, there is something very obviously “closed” about people who have sexual hang-ups. Their energy seems to contains aspects of hidden anger, insecurity, touchiness, defensiveness, mostly stemming from the inner frustration of being so suppressed.
Connecting with inner freedom and balance towards sexual energy
Freedom is a pre-requisite to balance. Without having a sense of inner freedom, from a certain nature, you cannot bring a balance to it. So, the foundational step is always about finding inner freedom. The way to find inner freedom is through the state of allowing (or rather “inner allowing”), which means that you are neither suppressing nor being overly identified towards the nature until you sense that you are no longer at the mercy of it. For example, if you consider the nature of “fear”, the way to attain inner freedom from it is to allow the energy of fear fully in you, in the form of thoughts and emotions, without suppressing it or getting “influenced” by it (identified with it), just staying in an openness, or surrender – this openness will allow the energy of fear to start balancing out in you, on its own. It’s the same for sexual energy also. For a while, you will just need to work on the state of openness until you sense that you are neither fighting this energy nor are you at the mercy of this energy – this is the perfect foundation to start exploring what you would like to express, and experience, using this energy.
It does take some courage, and receptiveness, to be willing to let go of clinging to your pre-conceived notions, of your rigid beliefs, of your mental stances, of your hang ups, and just be open. For example, if anything in this post is “offensive” to you, or if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good place to work on the state of allowing instead of getting identified with your mental stance. What makes you uncomfortable is usually an indication of where your growth might lie in terms of developing an openness in your being. Once you truly have an openness you can make choices on how you specifically want to experience, or express, aspects of your nature – you will then be moving from a place of wisdom, and self-understanding, rather than from a place of hang-ups, fears, narrow thinking and delusions.
Curated by Erbe
Original Article
