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Category: Mind

25 Clueless Comments Said to Me as a Widow, and 25 Responses I Wish I Could Have Said

by Kelley Lynnin Mind

Good Things People Have Said to Me:

I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.

This is not what I dreamed for you when we were kids. (my best childhood friend)

He would be so proud of you.

He loved you so much, and he always will.

You were the love of his life, and the last person he will ever love.

You will always have his heart. You get to hold onto the love forever.

Love never dies.

Here is a story / memory / picture of your husband I’d like to share with you.

I miss him too.

Lets honor him /have a toast / share stories about our friend. Let’s say his name and talk about him.

This sucks.

This really fucking sucks.

I can’t believe this happened. This is so unfair.

I wish I had known him better.

I might not do everything right, and I might screw this up, but Im not leaving you, and Im around whenever you want me to be.

If you need someone to talk to , I promise Im a really good listener and I will never judge you.

I love you.

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How to Help a Partner with a Mental Illness

by Rachel Meghanin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS, Wellness

There is such a stigma attached to various mental illnesses.

Most people suffering tend to keep it a secret to those they don’t know, for fear of being labeled as “crazy”. When it comes to having a romantic partner, it can be difficult to open up.

Telling your partner about your struggle takes a lot of bravery and trust. If your partner is understanding, that is a very good sign. If not, they aren’t worth staying with. A good partner is one who accepts every part of you. Because that’s all mental illness is, really. Just another part of what makes you as a person. It dictates your strengths and weaknesses, and controls what makes you tick.

For those of you who have a partner with a mental illness, it can get frustrating at times. You want to be able to help your loved one through their struggle, but it is not always effective. This isn’t your fault. It is just as much out of control for your partner. Mental illness is just like any other illness.

There are plenty of ways that you can support your partner through their struggle. Here is how:

1. Understand that your partner is not one to be “dealt with”.

If that’s the perspective you have about the situation, then that’s already a major issue. No one should have to be dealt with. People are not to be dealt with, mentally ill or not. Instead, learn to cope alongside your loved one. Attempting to escape out of fear will help no one.

2. Educate yourself.

Learning about your partner’s mental illness will help you understand where they’re coming from if they become distant or moody. It will also help you realize that their mood is not to be taken personally, and is typically a side effect of whatever is going on in their head. It will mean the world to your partner, as it shows you are committed and willing to sympathize with them and their struggle.

3. Accept that sometimes there isn’t much you can do to help.

Sometimes someone struggling with mental health problems is consistently in emotional pain. A lot of times, loved ones can give up on them, saying that they don’t know what to say or do. They feel like they’ve exhausted their resources and have no more advice to give. But a lot of the times what a mentally ill person seeks is not advice, but just someone to listen and be physically and emotionally there for them.

4. Communicate openly with your partner.

Allow them to communicate with you. Encourage them to speak their mind and tell you exactly how they’re feeling. Listening to them can help them make sense of what’s going on in their brain, and your support and open mind will help them recover from any sort of anxiety or panic they may be feeling.

5. Help them help themselves.

Encourage them to seek therapy, go to support groups, and generally reach out when they need it. As stated earlier, sometimes there isn’t much you yourself can do, and getting them to seek professional help is sometimes the best solution if things get particularly bad. Go with them to the doctor if they ask you to or are afraid to go alone. If they’re in a really bad place and feel suicidal, don’t hesitate to take them to a hospital. Not doing so is harming rather than helping, and it’s imperative that you support them through trying times.

6. Create a safe environment.

Every human being is entitled to feel safe and loved. Sometimes those with a mental illness feel that they do not deserve this basic right, that they are evil or unworthy of love. This simply isn’t true. A safe environment is crucial in the physical and emotional sense. Don’t get mad or frustrated with them so much that they are afraid to come to you in times of crisis. Maintain a safe space where they feel open and comfortable, and unafraid to be vulnerable. In addition, helping them create a good physical environment is also important.

7. Check in on them.

Reminding them to take their pills or eat or any other necessity is a great way to show them that you truly love them. Sometimes your partner may feel overwhelmed or distracted, and will honestly forget. You don’t need to become their keeper, but simple reminders are a healthy way to express how much you care about them.

8. Do not gaslight them.

This is a form of abuse. If there are legitimate problems in your relationship unrelated to your partner’s struggle, do not write it off as just something they’re “imagining” or “making up” as a result of their illness. Let them air their legitimate concerns, and if you are at fault for something bad going on in both of your lives, take responsibility and don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings by insisting that it’s just part of their illness.

9. Don’t tiptoe around them.

You are not on thin ice or walking on eggshells. It is usually not your fault if your partner has any sort of panic or anxiety attack. Treat them how you would treat any significant other, with honesty and love. People dealing with mental illness genuinely want to be treated normally, and doing otherwise can even become a source of your partner’s anxiety.

10. Love them for who they are.

There is way more to your partner than their mental illness. You fell for them for a reason, and what you love about them should be your primary focus. Don’t treat them like freaks because of their struggle. Support them, but also do everything you can to maintain a loving a healthy relationship. They will do the same.

If You Are Hurting During Thanksgiving, Focus on the Love

by Kelley Lynnin Mind

So many of us have pain and hurt and loss in our lives. Maybe you have just gone through the death of someone close to you. Maybe you are sick, or someone you love is sick. Maybe you lost your job or your home, or maybe you are feeling uncertain and fearful, in this post-election time. Maybe your family is far away. Maybe your family is complicated and dysfunctional (whose isn’t?). Maybe you’ve just been through a divorce or an intense break-up. Maybe things are changing in your world, more rapidly than you can handle. Whatever you are facing, whatever hurt and pain is going on, this is what I want to say to you:

Look for the Love. 

Wherever you are or aren’t in your life, and wherever you find yourself on Thanksgiving Day, look for the love. Actually search for it. When you are in pain, it is not always easy to see it, and so you have to really look. It might be in a small exchange between you and your Aunt whom you normally don’t get along with. It may be your dog or cat sitting in your lap and wanting to be cuddled. It could be your niece or nephew, making you laugh and feel like a kid again for 10 minutes. Maybe it’s a text message wishing you a happy day, from someone you didn’t expect. Or someone remembering and honoring your loved one, by giving a toast to them, or saying their name out loud on this day. Or maybe it’s just one small moment of kindness, in an otherwise crappy and lonely day. If you look for the love, the love will appear.

Tonight, on this Thanksgiving Eve, I will sit here with the two kitties that my husband and I adopted together all those years ago, and I will put in my DVD of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. And this time, when I watch it, I will once again notice new things, and see it with new eyes. And when Del is talking out loud in the car to his deceased wife, saying: “I wish you were here with me right now, but I guess that’s not going to happen”, I will know exactly how that feels and what that is. There will be laughter, and tears, and a whole lot of gratefulness, for all the many ways that I have experienced and felt love, and for all the ways in which I will continue to feel love. So, if you feel alone this Thanksgiving, or if things are not the way that you wish they were, look around you. Look within you. Look for the love. It is everywhere. I promise.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

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Presence

by Mike Lousadain LOVE, Mind, Wellness

Watch as Mike Lousada talks about ‘Presence’, its meaning, its qualities or the three different components that make up our ability to be present.

mike-lousada

How do you demonstrate being present in the moment?

The Safety of My Unrequited Love

by Clementine Francesin Mind

When you find out your unrequited love is not the person you imagined him/her to be, or find out that they’ve been in a four year relationship this whole time and are now engaged, or that they are officially dating someone that’s not you, you don’t have to tell anyone. You don’t have to change your relationship status. As far as everyone knows you’re single and you always will be. So when your heart quietly breaks you can suffer in silence. You can suffer in peace.

Celebrities have to make official statements when their relationships end. And so do we. It’s embarrassing. Sharing the good parts of your life with friends and family means also sharing the bad parts.  Embarrassment and shame keep us from doing most things.

Pros of Keeping Your Emotional Privacy:

  • No one knows you’re soft.
  • No one knows you cry.
  • No one knows your business
  • People stop asking you questions about your personal life
  • Everyone thinks you’re happy

Cons of Keeping Your Emotional Privacy:

  • Your heart could become cold.
  • Love can come to you and you won’t recognize it.
  • You stop feeling bad things but also good things.
  • You’ll yearn eternally for something you’ve buried deep down inside yourself.

 So, I do still crush on my teacher. Sure. But, now I can go days without thinking about him. But, he never has to know I ever thought about him in the first place. I hope he’s happily married.

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How Loving My “Little” Helps Me Build Confidence

by Lisa Lauretain Mind, Wellness
This was where I started.
This was where I started.

Since I was eight or so years old I’ve made many attempts at utilizing various forms of traditional “western” therapy to no avail. In the past couple of years, I’ve begun to work with more mystical therapists like healers, hypnotherapists and intuits. It just so happens this is the right direction for me. As someone who over analyzes nearly every event and moment of her life at a constant, incessant rate, I’m not the type to benefit from “talking it out.” All my brain does all night long is talk it out. I need people who can help me calm down, meditate, and find proper and more intuitive coping mechanisms.

I went to see therapists originally as a child because of my father’s imprisonment for child abuse. Surprise surprise, I’m a comedian with daddy issues! These issues often come into play for me, but so do a whole bunch of other life issues. When I get upset, I don’t always know what to do, as I wasn’t raised with super effective coping mechanisms or a lot of proper communication. I find myself particularly lacking when I feel fear. Fear has always been pretty big for me. I’m afraid to put my head under water, afraid of heights and steep drop-offs when hiking, which really sucks because I LOVE hiking, afraid of driving on the highway, which super sucks because I live in LA, basically, you name it, I can come up with a reason to be afraid of it. I used to get really mad at my fear. I would yell at myself, “toughen up, power through it, quit being a baby!” This was not helpful.

What I got to see once I pushed through.
What I got to see once I pushed through.

I started speaking with a hypnotherapist who took me on a journey into a beautiful meadowy field that I created in my own mind. I met a little version of myself there and I started to have a conversation with her. We called her, ever creatively, “Little Lisa.” Little Lisa is the version of me before the shit hit the fan in my life. We all have this small person, even those of us without heavy traumas. There’s at least one point in each of our lives where life started to get real, where our childlike wonder and amusement took a more serious turn. This happens to a lot of people in middle school because we turn into “adults” and horrendous things start happening to our bodies, in addition to being asked by those older than us to start taking more responsibility. However, those of us with childhood traumas have younger littles. And some of us have a lot of littles. My major little is me at around four or five years old. This is how old I was when I first started feeling depressed. It was when I started getting made fun of a lot. It was when, for whatever reason, I realized life wasn’t JUST about having fun and being a goofball.

One of the way easier parts of the trail, but not at its toughest because I couldn't manage taking a pic while also trying not to fall to my death.
One of the way easier parts of the trail, but not at its toughest because I couldn’t manage taking a pic while also trying not to fall to my death.

My hypnotherapist asked me what my little said I should do when I feel badly. Little Lisa said, “Just dance, ya goof!!!” and then began to dance around like a crazy, goofy Muppet. Because this left me with such a great feeling, I began to go to this little girl whenever I felt distressed. I would ask her to help me, especially when I felt scared. But it wasn’t really effective in my day-to-day life.

Then I spoke with my intuit. We weren’t even talking directly about my fear when she too brought up the concept of Little Lisa. Her suggestion to me was to go back to that little girl. I said, “I do, but when I ask her what to do, she doesn’t really know.” She replied that it wasn’t really fair for me to be asking my little for guidance. She was probably more afraid than I was. Why would you ask a scared child for advice? That child needs to be loved.

Then she told me what I really should be doing when I go back to this little girl. I needed to hold that little girl, cradle her in my arms, stroke her hair and her cheek and tell her that everything is okay, that nothing is her fault, and that she’s a good person who deserves good things and that above all, she’s safe. Soothe her, tell her that she is loved, over and over again.

So I did just that. I lay in bed that night, closing my eyes, imagining my little five year-old self, and cradled her lovingly until adult me actually fell asleep. It worked!

The End.
The End.

This didn’t exactly change my life overnight, but by being kinder to my inner littles, I’ve actually become kinder to the adult version of myself that exists in the now, and thus have been able to accomplish more. Like when I was alone on a very difficult hike in Hawaii. I was faced with a steep drop off and the trail was getting progressively narrower. I wanted to push on because it was so beautiful, but I felt I couldn’t, I was so overcome with fear, I froze. Before, I would have told myself to “Shut up. Just get through it. Quit being stupid! Quit being weak!” But with my new-found wisdom I took a seat on the ground, breathed deeply and said something more along the lines of, “You’re doing great. You’re being very brave, and you’ve gotten through so much. This is very scary, so you should be very proud of yourself once you’ve done it.” With patience and kindness, I got through it. There were tears and some shaking, of course, but it was amazingly beautiful on the other side of that fear, and I was so glad pushing through paid off.

I’ve used this tactic in my day-to-day life since then. When I’m afraid of a situation, when I get jealous, when I stress out because something didn’t go the way I wanted or needed it to, or when I suffer a tragedy, or even just a minor set back, I find a little. I go back to whichever one feels triggered. Sometimes it’s that 4-5 year-old. Sometimes it’s me from only a few years ago when I was sexually assaulted and felt defenseless. Sometimes it’s me from just a couple of years ago when I was physically assaulted and felt helpless and voiceless. Sometimes it’s me as a teenager, sometimes a pre-teen, and sometimes even a baby. Whoever it is, when I let her know she’s loved, and that yes, sometimes life isn’t fair, but she deserves better and is safe, it makes the me of now feel loved, and safe, and as though life might just be okay.

So find your little, or littles, give them big hugs and kisses, and tell them that though life is full of challenges, they are loved.

DIY a Holiday Relationship Wish List with Your SO

by zfortadminin Mind

4.  Books that you can read together:

If a workshop sounds overwhelming, you can always start by reading relationship books.  It’s an easy and cheap way to start improving your relationship.  You can do it in the privacy of your own home and at your own pace.  The key is going through the book together and discussing the ideas presented.  Have a real conversation about it and be honest about your thoughts.  Some ideas: Hold Me Tight, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, and Wired for Love.

5.  Something that would be new for both of you:

Think about something that neither of you have done before that would be fun for you to explore together.  This could be a good way to expand your friendship and strengthen your foundation.  It could also add an element of spontaneity and break you from your routine.  Some ideas:  Sports lessons, join a bowling league, take a cooking class, an adventure (sky diving or a helicopter ride), funds to go towards couples therapy (even if you only attend a few sessions for a relationship checkup), or a staycation.

I hope this gave you some creative ideas for what to ask for this year that could also improve your relationship.  I know some years I am at a loss for what to request, so thinking outside the box is helpful and things that will make my life better is a win-win.  Comment below with some other ideas of what to add to your wish list or things you’ve gotten in the past that led to keeping up your amazing relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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I’m Embracing Vanity. Here’s Why You Should, Too.

by RJ Newellin LOVE, Mind, Wellness

I believe we should redefine the word ‘vanity’ for ourselves.

Confession time.

I’ve been guilty of hating on other people’s Instagram selfies. I’ve unfollowed other women in the past, because their photos made me feel insecure about myself. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and wish that I could wear a filter in real life. How dare I feel beautiful? Self-acceptance feels unreachable…forbidden, even.

But on other days, when I’m feeling lucky, I look in the mirror and think: “Damn, I look good today.” But before long, shame drags me down. The cycle of self-loathing begins all over again.

Why did so much of my confidence come to hinge on passing feelings, or validation from others online? Since when did comparison start ruling my life? And why can’t I just freakin’ love myself consistently?

It’s because of a little word called ‘vanity.’ 

The dictionary defines Vanity as “excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements.”

I realize I’m being vain. Then the shame kicks in.

I grew up in an environment where self-love was a sin. Taking any pleasure in my appearance was wrong. I was instructed that Vanity was a woman’s downfall. The guilt still creeps in when I least expect it, sucking me dry of self-esteem. And the hatred I’ve developed towards my appearance comes out as insecurity, jealousy, and social anxiety.

Vanity. I’d be committing a sin for liking myself at all, so I just choose not to. It’s a virtue to be humble, right? Maybe someone, somewhere will notice how pious I am in my self-deprecation. They’ll say I’m pretty, but I won’t believe it. Somehow, that will make me worthy of their love.

After all, poor little Cinderella didn’t get to be a princess until a handsome prince fell in love with her. In a chick-flick, the geeky girl doesn’t get to know she’s hot until someone takes her glasses off.

“Hot Girl Who Doesn’t Know She’s Pretty” is one of the most popular female archetypes in TV and film. On the other hand, confident women who flaunt their beauty are almost always painted as “the bitch.”

Somewhere, right now, in a high school bathroom: a group of girls are standing around the mirror, competing for lowest self-esteem:

“I’m so fat.”

“No, you’re not! You’re so skinny. I’m the one with a tummy.”

“Well, at least you have boobs. I’m so flat.”

“But all the guys like you. None of them notice me.”

…Chances are, the youngest girl might not have thought to hate herself until this very moment. If all of her older, prettier, more popular friends hate their bodies, then who does she think she is?

Vanity. We have all been conditioned to fear it, in some way or another. I realize now that this kind of shaming was designed to keep women from realizing their worth. I’ve come to believe that someone, somewhere invented “vanity” to keep his wife at home.

Shame is a cage we build to keep the heart in check. If I feel inferior to my partner, he’ll always have the upper hand. Even if he’s abusive. Even if I’m unhappy.

This might be why so many beautiful, intelligent women find themselves in unhealthy, codependent relationships. Our self-worth relies on the validation of others.

It’s not our fault. After all, we’re conditioned to be this way. Our society demands that women compete with one another for attention – romantically, professionally and physically. Most of us are expected to spend considerable amounts of time on our appearance each day, changing how we look in order to fit in.

Blaming someone for their low self-esteem is like blaming the body for feeling pain. It’s not the symptom that needs attention. We have to find the source, and change it.

Here’s one way to start:

I believe we should redefine the word ‘vanity’ for ourselves.

There’s a difference between confidence and narcissism. We should stop labeling women as “attention seekers” for celebrating their beauty. We should congratulate girls who score well on tests, speak up for what they believe in, and say ‘no.’

The moment we apologize for voicing our position, we lose our freedom to have one.

There’s nothing wrong with being smart, looking good, and knowing both are true. Let’s eradicate the shame that muddies your daughter’s reflection, before it’s too late.

When a woman looks in the mirror and loves what she sees, nothing can stop her.

I try to remember this when I put on my makeup every day. My concealer wasn’t made to diminish me. My lipstick is not applied to steal attention. My eyeliner is not for anybody else. And so what if my cat-eye isn’t perfect – I’m having fun.

Now, I wear makeup because it makes me feel powerful. I post photos of myself when I’m feeling brave. My online selfie is not a cry for validation – not anymore. Photos have become my way of expressing of self-love, without needing permission. Publishing my words online is how I celebrate my voice and invite others to do the same.

It’s not self-promotion; it’s self-possession. This is me, taking ownership of myself in a way that makes me feel empowered. 

As you embrace your own confidence, it’s important to encourage it in others. I think we should stop judging other women for being hot/self-centered/sexual/oversharers, period. Everyone is entitled to free speech. And yes, this includes gratuitous selfies.

Often, individuals who seem the most self-involved are actually the most self-critical. It took me a long time to realize this. Judging other women for their “narcissism” is ultimately a reflection of my own insecurity. By the same token, encouraging others makes me feel good, too. How we treat others is a reflection of the way we see ourselves.

So here’s what I wish for you to know, if you’re still reading. You’re allowed to know you’re attractive. You’re encouraged to recognize your own brilliance. You are also allowed to acknowledge the beauty in others, with no risk of diminishing your own.

Vanity, redefined, is self-love.

It’s gratitude. It’s expression. Own it. Live it. Celebrate it. Share it.

This is not about makeup or selfies or #goals. It’s about you, beneath the filter.

If someone were to call me “vain” nowadays, I’d smile and say “thank you.” I don’t feel like I’ve committed a sin by calling what I see. The gods have not come down to smite me for admiring their creation. I haven’t hurt anyone by loving myself. In fact, I feel that embracing ‘vanity’ has made me a better person.

Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

The future is a girl. She stands in front of the mirror and loves what she sees. She wears red lipstick if she feels like it; she wears nothing when she wants to. And she is not ashamed.

Using Goddess Energy…In Bed

by RJ Newellin Mind, Sex

4. Bask in the devotion you receive.

It’s powerful to love someone with the generosity of an all-knowing, all-loving goddess. But make sure you pause to receive just as much as you give. If there’s anything a goddess is good at, its balance. Creation is giving. Worship is receiving. Allow your partner to ‘worship’ you and be present in the moment. Let your love rise to new heights with elevated mindfulness. Your needs may be slow to manifest, but manifest they will. Infuse your actions with loving intention.

Let the magic of the moment take over your whole mind, body and spirit.

Or, in less reverent terms: f*cking enjoy yourself. Or enjoy f*cking yourself. Either one. Or Both. Definitely try both.

5. Begin and end with gratitude.

As with any ritual, conscious lovemaking should be an act of connected, mutual appreciation. Take time to thank your higher selves (and each other) for the magic of your bodies. It’s fantastic to feel comfortable in your skin. Celebrate it as an accomplishment – because that’s what pleasure is! Staying truly present and connected is an achievement to be proud of. In these chaotic and distracted times, attention is a valuable gift. Offer presence, acknowledgment and gratitude towards those you care about. That’s how magic works.

Congratulations, Goddess.

You are the bearer of karma. Every ounce of light, care, compassion and devotion that comes your way (from yourself or others) will be reflected outward. Whether you’re with a long-term lover or you’re initiating a brand-new devotee, unleashing your goddess energy in bed can be rewarding – even life changing.

So go forth and conquer, queens (and kings!). Let the love commence.

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10 Creative Ways to Tell Someone Just How Amazing They Are to You

by zfortadminin Mind

4. I love your body.

When’s the last time you said something like this to your partner? Sure, they know you love them, but do they know you still lust after their body? Stare and ogle all you like — at some point in a relationship, this starts to feel like a compliment.

5. I hate everybody today, but you — you I can stand.

Because sometimes a muted compliment is the best compliment of all. And on some days, the best we can hope for in marriage is that we’re with someone we can stand, day in and day out.

6. I love watching you run/give a speech/play an instrument/take a photograph.

Standing back and admiring your partner is a way to increase the erotic distance between the two of you… and to remind you and your partner what it was like when you two met, and you each thought the other was the bee’s knees.

7. I love it when we talk, and I love it when we don’t.

Talk is cheap, but companionable silence is something you have to work for.

8. You look even better now than when I met you.

Because aging gets everyone down. Even better if you can be specific: Find something about your partner that has improved with age — a leaner face, perhaps? a more muscular torso? — and compliment them on that.

9. I love to &#%$ you.

Because it doesn’t always have to be missionary when it’s monogamous, and it doesn’t always have to be “making love,” either.

10. I &#%$ing love you.

Just try saying this without meaning it. It’s impossible!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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The Secret Code of Hugging

by zfortadminin Mind

And if he is even doing the same when you are alone then probably you should realize that he is no more interested in you or chances are he is mad at you.

Wait — don’t freak out yet! If this kind of hugs only happens once in a while instead of regular basis then it’s not a red flag. Your guy still loves you. Here are a few probable reasons behind it –

He thumps you to encourage you for something, say you’re going to give a speech or perform in public

If he does this in public. This suggests he isn’t comfortable in showing his love for you before others. So he just tries to keep things casual

Your man is preoccupied and his mind is temporarily elsewhere, say on his iPhone, watching TV, thinking about deliverable at office

It is highly crucial to understand clearly the circumstance before making any perception only following these tips.

Hug With Touching His Head To Yours

In this hug, he touches his head with yours!

This kind of gesture suggests that he wants to merge his thoughts with yours as well. For instance, if it’s a new relationship then he wants you to know him in a better manner and if you’ve been together for a while, he’s ready to get more emotionally and mentally intimate with you.

When you’re in love, you should always listen to your heart. Have trust and patience in your relationship and watch out how his love just grows stronger for you with each passing day!

Hope this article on different types of hugs has helped you know what the guy is trying to say…

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

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Not All Domestic Abusers Are Men

by RJ Newellin Mind

It’s far too easy to overlook that cruelty has no gender.

I used to share an apartment with a committed, monogamous couple. John* was nice, albeit a little moody at times. His girlfriend Jenny was generally polite… to me. But the way she treated her partner was unacceptable. At times, it was downright abusive.

Imagine what would happen if I found John pushing Jenny into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping her in the face. I’d immediately call the police, even if Jenny begged me not to. I’d have seen this scenario on TV enough to know that Jenny was a victim.

But when my other roommate and I walked in on Jenny pushing John into a corner, screaming expletives and slapping him, we didn’t know what to do. John was bigger and stronger than Jenny, we thought. If he was “letting her do this,” then he must have done something to deserve it…right? Wrong.

As the months went on, Jenny’s abusive behavior continued. My other roommate and I avoided going home at all costs, hoping they’d just “sort it out somehow.” Eventually, I moved out. John continued to be victimized until he somehow mustered the courage to leave.

Months later, Jenny had a new boyfriend… and her pattern of abuse continued. In a chance meeting, I finally confronted her. “Why do you treat your partners like this?”

She grinned and said, “A real man can handle it.” 

My jaw dropped. “What would you do if he pushed you away?”

“Call the police,” she replied. “Duh.”

This exchange was shocking for several reasons. First, she genuinely thought she had a right to physically hurt men, while they had no right to defend themselves. Second, she used toxic stereotypes to her advantage, emasculating her partners if they couldn’t “handle” her abuse. Third… her new boyfriend was right there. Listening. Saying nothing.

Why did he (or John) put up with this woman’s abuse? The same reason people stay with violent male partners: they’re under the abusers’ control.

The majority of convicted domestic abusers are male, but cruelty has no gender.

As right as our legal systems are in doing what they can to protect women, what resources are there for men? If John were to ask his male friends for advice, would they just laugh it off? And if he were to call the police, would he be taken seriously?

I saw this same dynamic with a lesbian couple I was once close with in college.

Maria came to class with bruises on her upper arms. She laughed it off, saying her girlfriend got jealous over a text message and “pushed me around a little.” Was this abuse? Yes. But because her partner was a woman, Maria said it felt “silly to make it a problem.”

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner. Studies have also estimated that 1 in 7 men will be victims of “severe” physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.

Not all of these “intimate partners” are male. But because male perpetrators are more common, female abusers have learned to rationalize their behavior as permissible – and people around them do, too.

How do abusive women rationalize their bad behavior?

A simple Google search presented some alarming results. Even on social websites like Jezebel, where gender equality is said to be valued, posts like this one present female-on-male domestic abuse as acceptable – even humorous. 

With all the progress we’ve made for feminism and gender equality, why do we continue to overlook abuse?

Just a few generations ago, it was still legal and “acceptable” for men to beat and rape their wives in the United States. It was supposedly the man’s “right” to exert physical violence if he thought it was “necessary,” and it was the woman’s “place” to take it, especially if she somehow “deserved it.” Reading this, I couldn’t help but remember Jenny’s chilling rationalization of her violence toward John.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault, regardless of gender, status, or personal disagreement.

Domestic abuse toward women was legal and seen as “acceptable” until victims and allies stood up together to do something to stop it. Today, male-on-female domestic abuse is still a problem, but it’s not “okay” or “humorous” in most modern circles. So why is abuse toward men seen this way?

Why the double standard?

I don’t know why female abusers continue to fly under the radar, especially with so many groups advocating for equality. But I do know that those of us who have seen it happen – and done nothing to stop it – have become part of the problem.

Female abusers are less likely than men to be reported or even labeled as “abusers” by bystanders. But they’re not any less dangerous.

Sometimes, all it takes is one phone call to ultimately save a life. By waiting for the victim to “do something about it,” we are putting the blame on them while allowing the perpetrator to continue in crime.

“…Women tend to abuse men differently than men abuse women,” Victoria Ramos writes for PsychCentral. “Women generally favor emotional abuse tactics, making the abuse much more difficult to detect.”

Dr. Jill Murray, an expert on destructive relationships, has shared some crucial concepts to understand about domestic abusers:

  • Abuse is a learned behavior. It is learned from seeing it used as an effective tool of control—usually in the home in which [s]he grew up.
  • Abuse is not a natural reaction to an outside event.
  • It is not normal to behave in a violent manner within a personal relationship.
  • Abusers deny that abuse has occurred or make light of an abusive episode.
  • Abusers blame the victim, other people, or outside events for the abusive attack.
  • Abusers don’t act because they are out of control. They choose to respond to a situation violently. They are making a conscious decision to behave in an abusive manner.
  • Abusers know what they are doing and what they want [from their partner].
  • Abusers act out of a need for control and domination, not anger.
  • Abusers are not reacting to stress.
  • Abusers may at times be loving and gentle, charming and engaging, hard workers and good students.

A physically or emotionally violent relationship is not about love. It’s control, it’s abuse, and it’s wrong. If you are a victim of domestic violence, don’t wait to reach out for help. It’s not your job to change your abusive partner. Your only responsibility is to keep yourself safe — even if you love them, and even if they’re sorry. Domestic abusers can (and should) seek help from professionals. But your only responsibility is to seek help for yourself.

Resources For Help:

Educational Resources:

No matter your gender (or theirs), you are not alone. LoveTV welcomes thoughts, comments, and perspectives from victims and families of all identities, orientations, and relationship configurations. Let’s keep this conversation going. Share your thoughts or questions below!

*John and Jenny’s names have been changed to protect their anonymity.

I’m Done Trying to Shrink Myself to Please You

by Becca Martinin Mind, Wellness

Losing yourself in a relationship can happen both literally and figuratively. If you’ve felt this way, the following stream-of-consciousness work may resonate with you.

My entire life I’ve always felt bigger than most, especially since I’m a 5’10” female.

Growing up I was always jealous of my friends with petite bodies and natural thigh gaps. I selfishly always wondered why I couldn’t have been blessed in that way.

I’ve always tried to shrink down, to change myself, to appear smaller and hide in the back of photos to try to cover myself. I always tried to be less than I was because I always feared being too much.

One night, I was talking to my male friend at a bar in our hometown. He’s noticeably shorter than I am and I tried to slouch, to bend down, to be ashamed that I am taller, and bigger, than he is. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

This is not a new insecurity — it’s a feeling I’ve felt so many times but it’s a feeling that doesn’t get easier.

As I started trying to squeeze and slide through people at the bar on my way back to my friends, I realized that I had to stop feeling this way as others were bumping into me without any disregard or apology. I realized then that just like them I’m allowed to take up space. I realized that I might be tall, but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman, or person for that matter. It doesn’t matter that my thighs touch or that my stomach is a little round. None of that matters because I’m enough the way I am. I only feel lesser when I start comparing myself to other people.

Comparison is the killer — the reason I feel less and my insecurities arise.

I always tried to shrink down not only to please myself, but other people.

I tried to make other people more comfortable than myself, and I knew that had to change. Something had to give.

I realized I’m allowed to take up space, just like you are. I’m allowed to be exactly who I am with or without other people’s approval because as long as I’m enough for me that’s got to be enough. I’ve always given to others, even when I didn’t have much to give. I’ve always talked my friends up while looking down on myself. I’ve always been my own worst enemy. That night in the bar when I was getting elbowed trying to gently squeeze past people who didn’t even care to acknowledge that they were bumping into me. I finally realized I don’t deserve to treat myself that way anymore. I deserve to love myself, be proud of myself and take care of myself.

Trying to hide who I am to make other people feel more comfortable makes no sense.

I’ve done things like change my personality, pretend I don’t feel passionate about certain topics, try to quiet who I really am because I don’t want to appear too much. But through that it made me realize that I am exactly who I am and I can’t change that, nor do I want to.

I’m not going to be for everyone, it’s not possible — just like everyone isn’t for me.

There will be people who don’t like me, people who will think I’m too much or too little, people who will judge me before they know me, and that’s okay. I’m no longer worried about being enough for everyone else, as long as I’m enough for myself.

I don’t need to attract everyone; I just need to attract the right people who love me for me.

Never again will I try to shrink down parts of me to please someone else because I’m done being afraid to take up space. I’m allowed to take up space. I’m allowed to express myself. I’m no longer afraid to be “too much” or “too little” for anyone, as long as I’m enough for myself.

If you resonated with this story of losing yourself in a relationship, listen to this incredible spoken word poem on the same theme by writer Lily Myers:

There are many ways you can be losing yourself in a relationship. Check out this article about the intersection of weight loss and love for another perspective.

Can You Really Have Sex with a Ghost? This Woman Said She Did

by Sarah Burrisin Mind, Wellness

What’s the difference between having a fantasy and sleeping with a ghost?

When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?

Whether it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man walking through Manhattan or Whoopi Goldberg warning, “you’re in danger, girl,” ghosts litter our fictional world. Especially during the holidays, the Ghosts of Christmas Past haunt the office halls of the most heinous of misers.

The reality, however, can be a little more somber.

Sometimes grief makes you see things.

My grandparents met when she was 15 years old and he was 17. On a cold day in 1987, her car slipped on a piece of black ice from an early snow, she went into oncoming traffic and ran into someone else. At just 50 years old, she was gone.

My grandfather was understandably devastated. Over the years he dated a few women, but never remarried. She was the love of his life and no one quite measured up. When I was home after college one year we were talking about her and he told me that the night she died, he had a horrible time trying to get to sleep. He was distraught, likely in shock and sleeping alone for the first time in almost 35 years.

He told me when he finally fell asleep that she came to him to say good-bye. When he woke, he said that he could still feel her lips on his. Was it a dream? Was it real? Was it grief and exhaustion?

What are the chances ghosts are real?

Happy loving couple

One English “spiritual guidance counselor” not only swears that they are real, but that some sexy ghosts are able to manifest their energy into treating her to a good time. After all, who said the afterlife can’t be sexy?

This is her story, via Newsweek:

Talk about otherworldly sex! Amethyst Realm, a 27-year-old “spiritual guidance counselor” in England, says sex with ghosts is much better than sex with men—and she should know because she’s made love …

Continue reading “Can You Really Have Sex with a Ghost? This Woman Said She Did”