Category: Mind

Oxytocin-Based Sexual Connection

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Sex is one of the most common ways we feel deep euphoric bliss in our lives. It creates a feeling of pleasure, liberation and euphoric release, releasing bio-energy within our body.

Of course, sex can also cause a lot of problems in our lives. There can be negative consequences associated with sex when it is not engaged in or perceived in a sustainable, connected and bliss-giving way. It can affect our self-esteem and throw our intimate relationships out of whack, particularly when it is viewed only as a way to achieve orgasm, not as a shared energetic connection.

By understanding the trends of the underlying hormonal activities associated with sex and orgasm, and how the change in our chemistry affect our moods, behavior, desires and wants, we can work with our body’s hormonal system to make sexual interaction a more spiritual and rewarding experience.

Understanding the Hormones

The main player among the wellbeing hormones is dopamine, also known as the reward hormone. Then there is prolactin, the hormone of satiation, and oxytocin, the love and bliss hormone. All these hormones interact powerfully affecting our moods and desire for intimacy and bonding. And although we might believe that dynamics within the relationship has a conscious element to it, there is also a deep physical hormonal element that contributes to our experience.Copy of chakra sex

Within our brain there is a code that tells us what we need to do to be happy, healthy, wealthy, glowing and living within our life’s purpose. When we do those things, and we experience things such as social interaction, pair bonding and orgasm, our endocrine system responds by releasing oxytocin.

When we first fall in love we become bonded by rising levels of oxytocin, which is the love and cuddle hormone, and we also feel a peak in our dopamine levels. When we start having sex with that person, we experience a big release of dopamine, which comes like a huge wave in the brain during the orgasm. It feels amazing! However this is then followed by a significant drop in dopamine levels immediately after orgasm, which brings hangover-like effects. Generally speaking, the timing of this hangover varies by gender; the reaction tends to be immediate in males and slightly delayed in females.

Crossed Wires

You’re falling in love, making a deep intimate connection and becoming vulnerable. You have sex with the one you’re falling for, and you have an orgasm — followed by a steep decline in dopamine levels.

At this point, the male impulse goes more or less like this: “Ok, I’m done. I don’t have any more energy, I’m just gonna go to sleep” or “I’m gonna watch TV for a bit”. The female may feel disappointed or rejected; she still wants to cuddle, stay connected and lay in this loving space.

After the orgasm, the man and the woman enter different biological and hormonal cycles that can cause a disconnection, as they are not on the same page. The male is responding to the decline in dopamine and testosterone while the female is high in oxytocin levels, the intimacy hormone.alexgrey-lovers

As most of us don’t have much awareness of this hormonal experience, it is not uncommon for females to begin creating stories in our mind to explain our male partner’s sudden withdrawl — that he doesn’t like us or he just used us for sex, that there’s something missing in the relationship or not enough intimacy, that we might be better off with a more spiritually evolved partner who would stay in this loving space with us, and so on and so forth. We might even start remembering the connection we shared when we first met (when oxytocin levels were at their highest) which seemingly disappeared after our relationship became sexual, or diminished as time went by.

In reality, we are each just experiencing our biological nature.

Oxytocin by itself is considered to make us indiscriminate in its bonding influence. Under its influence, we may feel a bond towards “any” person that we are sexually or even physically intimate with.

Cravings for Novelty and Dopamine

Our levels of dopamine, the reward hormone, tend to rise in response to the excitement that of things that are new and novel. Think about the time, for example, when you bought your car – how excited you were. And now, when you look at it every time, most likely you don’t feel anything towards it.

When we get into a relationship, it comes with a sense of novelty and newness created by this reward-like system. You were looking for a partner, and boom — there’s someone you’re connecting with, having an interaction or a sexual encounter. And because your needs are being met, you’re experiencing a sense of a reward, a biological prize of sorts. Over time, there’s less of that sense of novelty as the peaks of dopamine, testosterone, and prolactin levels subside. We may feel symptoms of hormonal withdrawal, almost like addiction, which can make us feel helpless and dejected.

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Erotic Intimacy and Tantra

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Ironically, I learned about this concept without a partner. In my single years, I executed a crazy experiment where consciously, I decided not to have an orgasm for a year.

No touching or canoodling—nada.

Suspecting the spiritual nature and sexuality were connected, I wanted to test abstinence’s effect on my spiritual self-actualization. Walking around like a monkish pleasures-of-the-flesh-abstinence adept, I hoped to transmute the latent sex energy into something awesome. My body would become a living alchemy of crazy sex energy, bursting with power.

Ultimately, this method would provide me with a river of rapid flowing energy discharged for quick manifestations.

In tandem, I yoga’d out and built a meditation practice om’ing three times a day to cope without my usual orgasmic release, which even without a partner, was (ahem) considerable.

At the time, the experiment yielded some fascinating results.

I wrote a book in six months, found an incredible loving partner and saw a major increase in my spiritual expansion. But recently, I was feeling my partner’s absence as something more unsettling. After spending over a week in the Costa Rican rainforest, the lack of my partner’s touches had me feeling the pang of truth from the old adage.

Like the times before without the release, I felt my head was going to pop off.

While lamenting to my best girlfriend about my recent ‘urges’ percolating, she mentioned Tantra as a sexual practice. She’d been to a couples workshop in Colorado led by tantric veteran Caroline Muir. She encouraged me to let the current of bubbly sex energy build, ride the wave and read Caroline’s work to my husband after I got home.

Partner Pleasures

Granted, we already had a pretty rockin’ sex life, even after eight years, but my being away for this stint awakened a strong desire to be more creative in the sack. We’d never broached the subject of Tantra, but if Sting was into it, how bad could it be? I wanted to carry that heart pounding absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder thing back to Alaska and knock his woolly socks off like a Lioness.

I had images of my hair wild, singing Carol King’s, “I feel the earth move under my feet” writhing over top of him like a nature Goddess, riding our wave of ecstasy.

I like to follow the philosophy of the Tao and watch what is present. So when I searched for Caroline Muir and couldn’t find her book online I purchased Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas instead—I wasn’t disappointed.

Carrellas goes into vivid detail and great depths on using the tantric way for mutual stimulation and arousal. She teaches how to literally breathe more life into sex through more traditional tantric techniques like yoni and lingham massage, to more alternative methods like S & M and fetishes; she covers a wide swath.

Thankful for Barbara’s visual aids and along with her compelling voice and stories, I was ready to trust the Tantra.

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Couples Advice: How to Avoid the Worst Fights

by zfortadminin Mind

What’s the worst fight couples have?

Depending on your history with fights in relationships, the question might send a shiver up your spine. I solicited relationship experts of all stripes to reveal the most harrowing fight they commonly hear couples have — that argument that ends the relationship, or at least damages it nearly beyond repair. One conclusion: People say horrible things to each other in fights. Another: There are ways to avoid ever having such destructive fights to begin with. In terms of subject matter, the experts didn’t cite one particular awful fight as most typical, but rather each expert related a different spat they’d heard over and over that clients wish they’d never had. However, though the topic may have varied, the theme was the same: These brawls were down-and-dirty, rough, inconsiderate — and brutal.

None of these squabbles were of the ilk I’d file under “healthy fights,” but rather came from places of mutual disrespect, anger, fear, resentment and genuine lack of support for one another, rife with insults, judgment and attempts to control one’s partner. It doesn’t take a brain scientist to know that a quarrel like that isn’t going to end well.

The fights couples have that they wish they could go back in time and take back — the doozies, the ones that cause near-irrevocable fissures or linger in the relationship indefinitely — are the ones we’d all like to avoid in our romantic relationships. The good news: They are avoidable, as long as you stay on top of issues and don’t let your relationship spiral out of control to begin with.

My favorite response was short and sweet, from Joan Fradella, a Florida Supreme Court certified family mediator: “The one fight couples wish they never had is the one that preceded the appointment with either an attorney or with me.” Preach.

1. The Sex Fight

This one should be a no-brainer, but it turns out that couples who fight during or immediately after sex come to regret it (and yes, as usual, pun intended). “Avoid all arguments, and never say anything even vaguely critical during or immediately after lovemaking,” say authors Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels. The married couple have written several books about sex and love, including Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships, and are adamant about barring fights from the bedroom. “Most people are in a highly vulnerable state when they’re turned on and after a sexual encounter,” they say. As such, a little tact and gentleness go a long way.

“If something is not working for you in the moment, and certainly if an activity is causing you any discomfort, it is good to speak out,” they advise. That said, steer clear from any language that implies blame or judgment. Don’t say, “Why are you doing that? It feels awful,” Michaels and Johnson recommend. Instead, try something more effective, such as, “I’m not sure I love that. Could you try this instead?” Unless there is an immediate need to say something, though, it’s best to put a pin in it and address your concern at a later date. “If something happens during sex and you feel the need to discuss it, kindness (not to mention enlightened self-interest) often dictates that you should save the conversation for later,” Johnson and Michaels say. It’s kind to bring up hard things, especially sex-related issues, outside of the bedroom; and it’s in one’s own best interest to do so, as there’s a better chance it’ll lead to a rational discussion — not a fight.

Michaels and Johnson put a spin on the old adage of “Don’t go to bed angry”: They suggest that you take it literally, and never have an argument in bed. Putting fights to sleep before you put yourself to sleep “is a somewhat controversial bit of conventional wisdom, though some recent research tends to support the idea,” they say. If you have to have a difficult conversation with your partner, try to do so at a time and in a place that “will minimize their potential for disrupting your connection” — not just before it’s time to snuggle. “While it may not be humanly possible to avoid ever going to bed angry, doing your best to minimize conflict in advance of sleep is kindness in action,” they say. So try not to have a fight just before bedtime, and “dedicate a space for your disagreements,” they say.

How To Avoid It:

I’m just going to quote Johnson and Michaels here, because what they have to say on this is so brilliant.

“If you’re getting ready for bed and are having an argument or feel one brewing, choose to take the discussion into that dedicated space and wait until things have cooled down before calling it a night. Most couples have most of their sex in bed, and it’s difficult enough to eroticize your shared sleeping space. Thus, it’s a good idea to refrain from creating an association between your bed and conflict. Being kind is not an abstraction; it’s all about making choices that demonstrate your esteem for your partner and send the message that, even if you’re furious about something, your anger in no way diminishes your regard.”

Mic down, Michaels and Johnson.

2. The Fiscal Infidelity Fight

“Money is … the number one topic that couples fight over (with sex coming in second),” says relationship coach and psychic medium Cindi Sansone-Braff, author of Why Good People Can’t Leave Bad Relationships. Money fights, or what Sansone-Braff calls “fiscal infidelity,” happens when “one partner learns the other partner has cheated on them in monetary matters.” The cause changes, but the problem is always the same: “Whether this person is guilty of lying about how much money he or she makes, claiming he or she can’t find work, gambling, spending too much, abusing drugs or helping out other family members without his or her partner’s consent doesn’t matter,” says Sansone-Braff. “The bottom line is that fiscal infidelity causes people to feel that they have been deceived and betrayed.”

How To Avoid It:

It all depends on how deep the fiscal betrayal goes. “The extent of financial ruin, and the amount of lying and manipulation employed to cover up the financial sinkhole, can and will determine whether these actions become a deal breaker,” Sansone-Braff says. “Additionally, If money had been a major issue in either or both of the partners’ parents’ marriages or relationships, then this can really trigger a ‘War of the Roses’ scenario that can either destroy a relationship — or rebuild it back up from a more honest and stable foundation of pecuniary transparency and trust.”

In other words, this fight offers a chance for healing if it’s played right. If it’s an ongoing fight that gets dragged out for a ride every month or two, it’s obviously not healthy and will lead nowhere. But if you and your partner see this conflict as an opportunity to work on fundamental financial issues and invite each other to have more truthful conversations as a result, the fight could lead to harmony in the end.

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Why Men Fear Intimacy

by zfortadminin Mind

But here’s the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are they so afraid of relationships?

Generalization caveat: Not all men are afraid of relationships, but many men are terrified of them. Before I get into the reasons why they’re so afraid, let me first address the question of whether men are more afraid of relationships than women.

The debate about whether men and women are extremely similar or extremely different doesn’t seem to go away, and it’s largely because we have little way of proving much within the psychological arena. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll learn so much about the brain that we can definitively answer the question. Odds are, however, that the day may never come: Perhaps the social influences shaping males and females are so powerful that it’s primarily the social part, and not the biological part, that makes men and women who are they are.

Do men fear relationships more than women? The truth is that it’s hard to tell. Measuring fear of intimacy among men and women in a research sense is tricky, but one study (Thelen et al., 2000) attempted it and found that men scored higher on a Fear-of-Intimacy Scale. To women who have known men terrified of relationships, this research will come as no surprise.

Anecdotally, my fifteen years as a therapist have shown me that men are often more afraid of letting their guards down and being vulnerable than women, so it would make sense if they fear relationships more than women. To give some context, the media is always reporting about the different ways boys and girls are socialized, and many of us see such gender-restrictive parenting among folks within our social circles. Because it does appear that boys and girls, at least historically, have been socialized differently, it would make sense that girls who were socialized to engage in cooperative play grow up to be women who are better at handling emotions and relationships than boys who were socialized to engage in competitive and physical play and grow up to be men who are less comfortable with vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.

But here’s the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are they so afraid of relationships?

Previous Relationship Trauma

A man may not be able to function well in a relationship if he has extensive issues that stem from a previous relationship trauma. The relationship trauma may have occurred when the man was a child or when he was an adult.

Men who, as children, had an absent parent, a parent they lost, or a parent who abused them in any way are going to have an awfully difficult time seeking out and maintaining a healthy relationship. The wake of trauma can make romantic relationships almost unbearable and undoable if the man has not processed the trauma and worked through all the associated thoughts and feelings.

In addition, men who are afraid of relationships may have had a previous relationship as an adult that was traumatic. Having a previous partner who abused them in any way, cheated on them, left them or died can cause these men later to avoid emotional intimacy and relationships altogether. Though some or all of these men may still have a desire for closeness, the emotional pain from the previous trauma is too great for these men to take the risk and jump into a relationship again.

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Crying Couples—Did they pass the LOVE TEST?

by zfortadminin Mind

How would you and your partner fare at this test?

Get your tissues ready, people.

What if you could love yourself as much as your significant other loved you?

Tatia Pilieva sought to answer that question with “Love Test,” in which she talks to couples about their relationships — and each woman’s insecurities.

For “Love Test,” Pilieva filmed the couples in two different sessions: In the first, the couples are on screen together, describing their love stories. After that, Pilieva prompts them to indulge in treating themselves to a ritual created by Dr. Timothy de Waal Malefyt, a clinical associate professor at Fordham University​. In the second session, the women are on screen alone, describing how the ritual helped them and their relationships.

The short film helps illuminate Revlon’s findings, in a recent study conducted by Dr. de Waal Malefyt, ​that ​97 percent of women reported a significant change in themselves within the first week of adopting the aforementioned beauty ritual.

​​”I wanted to create a film that celebrates women. All women,” Pilieva said. “I wanted to show that our love runs deeper than our doubts or insecurities.”

Did they pass the LOVE TEST?

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

More Into P*rn than You–What Do You Do?

by zfortadminin Mind

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

Is it normal for my husband to be more into porn than into me?

I got married 4 years ago. From the beginning I have had a feeling that my husband is not emotionally attached to me. Now we talk very little. He is always busy internet surfing or playing games. I feel so lonely.

He is not interested in sex any more. It has been 2 months since we had sex. I have caught him masturbating so many times while watching porn. But whenever I try to join in or do sexy stuff with him, he refuses or remains quiet.

This all hurt too much. I love him and want to be with him. All I want is to be loved and to have his time. I tried to talk to him but he refuses or says it’s not a problem or gets angry.

I feel like porn has come between my relationship and I am blaming myself. Pornography is evil. What should I do to be loved by him!

Signed,

Broken Woman

Dearest Sacred Bombshell,

First of all, you are not broken. You are a whole and complete woman no matter what is happening to you in your relationship, bedroom, or life.

You have nothing to blame yourself for. A man — or woman — cannot be driven to porn by anything his or her partner does. Read that sentence again. Your husband is an adult. He is the only one responsible for his choices. Your husband should absolutely not be choosing porn over you. That is beyond problematic.

Your question, “What can I do to be loved by him?” is also extremely troubling. That set off all of my alarms; not only as Life Coach but also as a woman. There is no right thing that you can do to be loved by the wrong person. Someone either loves and accepts who you are or they don’t.

You say that your husband has not been emotionally into you. Is it possible that your husband may be depressed and not have the emotional ability to express his sadness? Did something transformative happen personally or professionally around the time that his behavior changed?

If someone wants to numb and avoid their real lives, they can become addicted to anything. Porn is your husband’s drug of choice. It is not the adult films that are evil. The issue is that you are sad and lonely in a non-communicative marriage with no emotional or sexual intimacy. If your husband is addicted to pornography, you cannot have a healthy relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship with an addict.

Ask your husband to join you in therapy ASAP. Show him this post. Tell him that this is a 911 situation. Let him know that you have been feeling sad and lonely in your relationship. Meanwhile, you may both find support in a 12-step group. Please note that this is not intended to treat or diagnose any illness or condition. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own well-being.

Be Broken Ministries is a group for men struggling with porn addiction. FightTheNewDrug.org is an online recovery program and Sexaholics Anonymous at SA.org can be a great place for you both to find support.

I called you a Sacred Bombshell because I have reclaimed the word “bombshell” to mean a woman who loves, honors, and cherishes herself in mind, body, and spirit. This is what I want for you. You deserve to feel love and connection in your relationship. You deserve your man’s love and his time. Whether your husband acknowledges the issues or chooses remains in denial, I urge you to get support for yourself immediately.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Why Sexuality is the Hot Topic in Holistic & Alternative Medicine

by Anita Teresa Boeningerin Mind, Sex

What is the only thing left out of the holistic paradigm?

It’s called S-E-X.

Holistic health professionals will talk about everything from gut health & nutrition, exercise, acupuncture, and neti pots…but they tip toe around sex. Why is that? It is still a taboo topic. It’s an area of life that brings up discomfort and uncertainty for the majority of people in our society. Another reason is the lack of training and education. It is simply left out of professional trainings—even those who deal directly with the human reproductive system, such as gynecologists and urologists—don’t receive adequate training on sexuality. The average reproductive system specialist spends 7-8 years getting medical training, and out of those years, spends roughly 3 hours learning about sexuality! This is analogous to the training most allopathic medicine doctors get in nutrition—about 3 hours. See a parallel here?

Fortunately, the landscape is changing. The future of integrative medicine includes sexuality. How do I know this? Holistic health guru Dr. Andrew Weil is editing a series of books on Integrative Medicine, and one of those books is on Integrative Sexuality. This is the next hot topic! For those holistic health practitioners who want to stay relevant, they must start paying attention to the salient topic of sex. And for those of us who are passionate about health & wellness, it’s time to evolve the context for sex beyond just the bedroom and into the domain of health at large. After all, sexuality is the root of all our biological systems. It’s how we got here, for goodness sake!

That’s why I gathered the best in the industry to talk about this charged subject during the Sex & Medicine Summit, so we could start creating a new narrative for this important topic. What I learned from doing that series of interviews was just how vast this topic is, how it touches every area of life, and how much this conversation is needed in medical schools, board rooms, grand rounds, and health coaching trainings (well… pretty much every helping profession training). The time to start this conversation is now. Why wait until someone else initiates it?

So many questions linger in the back of people’s minds, and they wonder if they’re crazy, if they’re the only ones who struggle with issues like erectile dysfunction, strange-smelling vaginal discharge, HPV, lack of desire, body image issues (including concern about the shape and size of genitals), sexual “aberrations,” extreme hormonal swings, and much more. Once we reach a critical mass of willingness to show up and talk about our sexuality in a safe and open way, the taboo will start dropping away. The shame will dissolve. The alienation and passivity will shift into vibrancy, a pleasure-positive lifestyle, and freedom of expression. And all this leads to greater health and well-being. Healthy sexuality, to me, is the foundation of true health. Even if you are physically fit, eat well, sleep 8 hours a night, but don’t aren’t having regular, nourishing sex, (either with self or another) then you are cut off from your essential expression—you are cut off from the very source of life.

My vision for the future of integrative health is that naturopaths, health coaches, and other healing arts professionals will include sexual healing modalities in their prescriptive process. They will refer their patients and clients to the appropriate sexual health professionals in their network. They will address sexuality openly and respectfully with their clients, so that they feel safe and empowered to take charge of this delicate and incredibly powerful aspect of their life. I envision more leaders in the health field initiating discussions on the topic of sex and medicine, instead of leaving this area of life to the purview of the porn and entertainment industry, where it has languished long enough. Taking charge of your health & your health must include sexual mastery on ever-increasing levels. And it can be a most pleasurable journey!

Transforming Anger into Trust, Love and Turn-on

by John Winelandin Mind, RELATIONSHIPS

I work with a number of men who struggle with their woman’s anger. I am certainly not immune :-). My girl can be downright nasty when she feels I am “misbehaving” and I have found over the years, the need to develop a special set of skills and a whole new attitude to her anger. The primary problem is that men tend to want to avoid anger and resentment like the plague. So when our partners are in a mood, the general response is either attack or avoid. Neither create much love or trust. Sound familiar?

There is another way…well….two ways I have found that work beautifully and can actually create intimacy and relaxation where there was rancor only moments ago. The most artful approach is to use humor, physicality, play and sexual energy to overcome her mood. That might look like kissing her madly until she giggles, to saying “God damn you are hot when you are furious at me” to throwing her over your shoulder and saying, I love it when you are so bratty. The concept is to lean in to her anger with love, like you are encountering a tropical rainstorm. Breath it in. Enjoy it! Allow it to nourish you.

The second method involves a beautiful dialogue techniques that requires more skills and patience. The most important element in this work is the commitment that you will not make her wrong for whatever she is feeling. Her feelings, all of them, are welcome and even appreciated. This is a massive difference to what most women experience in the world and it opens a whole new realm of deep relating possibilities, including better sex, when it is embraced. Let’s face it. Your lover is suffering when she is angry most of the time and creating a container where anything she feels is safe is incredibly liberating and healing for her.

3 STEPS TO TRANSFORMING A WOMAN’S ANGER INTO DEEP TRUST AND LOVE!

Again, most men have the knee jerk reaction of resisting anger and will go to great lengths to do so. But if you go with the flow you can actually, instantly turn your interaction into a playful, passionate moment where you maintain your masculinity while she can own her emotions and really trust she can’t do anything you can’t handle. I dive into this practice Transforming Anger into Deep Trust and Love explaining this entire concept. Here are the three basic steps:

1. Get aware (this requires a certain level of courage, generosity, meditative concentration…. And frankly, just the ability to feel into your partner) when something is brewing under the surface, and instead of avoiding it, let it happen.

2. Then allow your partner free rein to say what they need to say. Periodically you are going to stop them and repeat back, word for word, what you are hearing as much as possible. And then when she is done and you say, “Is there any more?” she’ll say, “No.” And the very first thing you want to say is, “That makes sense. I understand why that would bother you. I understand why you would be mad. It makes sense that you are mad.” The words: That makes sense, are key to whole process… those three words validate her entire experience and make her feel seen, accepted and loved!

3. And finally, the third piece (which is the hardest piece for a lot of men, a lot of people in general in fact) is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and empathize with what she is feeling. I know, this is especially hard if they are mad at you! It’s important to know you do not have to agree with her, all you have to do is be able to see how it makes sense from her perspective given her history and shared experience. As you learn to really try your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes you will actually start to feel like their experience is more important than yours. It’s a really deep and beautiful spiritual practice when you can say, “All right, how you are feeling about this is more important to me now than whether I agree with it or not.”

Gratitude: Can It Save Your Relationship?

by zfortadminin Mind

One of the first life lessons little kids are taught is to always say, “thank you.”

When someone does something nice for you, you thank them. It’s a concept that is drummed into our heads starting at the age of about two. But you’ll notice that saying thanks doesn’t come easy. Very rarely does a kid remember to say it – it usually follows a prompt by a parent…now what do you say? And it never gets easier.

Gratitude doesn’t come easily or naturally to most of us; rather, it’s a skill that needs to be honed and crafted. But when you get it down, it can literally change your life. Countless studies have demonstrated that expressing gratitude can vastly increase our physical and emotional well-being.
Gratitude can also have enormous implications for your relationship…and your ability to find love if you aren’t currently in a relationship. When both partners see the good in one another and feel appreciative, the relationship is filled with love, connection, and harmony. When both partners focus on what the other isn’t doing and take each other for granted, the relationship is filled with resentment, frustration, and bitterness.

The truth is, a good relationship starts with you. When you bring positivity and happiness into the relationship, your partner will rise up to match and then your relationship will flourish. I’m not saying the responsibility is on the woman – it goes both ways. But the only person you can control is yourself.

If you want your life and your relationship to improve, you can’t blame circumstances or your partner. Instead, you need to take responsibility and make internal changes that lead to external ones. And the most important lesson is that of giving thanks.

Read on to find out how it’s done and why it’s so important.

Why Is It So Hard?

Life can tear a lot of us down. As the years go by, bitter experiences pile up and our hearts become shrouded with hurt and pain. The more jaded we become, the harder it is to see beyond the darkness and feel thankful for anything. A lot of us become the victims of our own lives and we feel justified in it. We blame our parents, our upbringing, the boy who broke our heart, the bad economy. I’m not saying none of it is valid, but when you dwell on all the bad hands you’ve been dealt, you fuel the fire of anger and resentment and this only makes for an even more miserable experience.

When it comes to relationships, expressing gratitude can be even more challenging because the stakes are so much higher. Romantic relationships can cause many emotions to rise to the surface…some are good and exhilarating, and some are bad and rooted in pain from the past. All of us look at life through a lens that is colored by our own experiences and we form certain expectations as a result. When you measure a guy against this code of expected behavior, he will always fall short and you will always feel disappointed. The reason he’ll fall short is because no one can get it right every single time. He isn’t a mind reader and he has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences.

When you think a guy should do something, and if he doesn’t it means he doesn’t care, then you ignore all the things he does that show he does care and get all riled up because of a few things that you (or rather, your unconscious mind) think a man should do when he loves a woman. You feel hurt and unloved and might start blaming him for “making” you feel a certain way. When you’re in this head space, you will not be able to appreciate anything he does and will silently resent him for not doing more. He can text you back promptly every single time and you will still get upset the one time he takes a little longer to get back to you.

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Are You Paying Attention to Your Sexual Soul?

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex, Wellness

Ignoring this vital source of life has caused a lot of pain and distress for many people. Making peace with it, though, can open you up to deep wells of pleasure.

The human desire for connection runs deep, like a river that winds through an individual’s heart. If this river-like phenomenon can be compared to human sexuality, then it can run through different rhythmic patterns.

Some spots will be filled with passionate torrents; others will be serene and calm. Maneuvering along this river in a boat named “LIFE” is truly one of the human being’s greatest adventures. From a soul perspective, sexuality is a merging of both masculine and feminine energies into one. We all have these special gifts that lie within us.

Yet there can be so much confusion and angst within a person who is lacking this spiritual, sexual intimacy. An artist has found a way to bring these elements to life through their work. When the creative’s connection to intimacy gets stifled, then there is no energy left for creation. What causes this lack of creativity? It might be that the sexual soul has suffered an interruption in its internal program of love and light.

A picture, it is said, is worth a thousand words. One famous picture of art deftly displays the power of mixing masculine and feminine energy, awakening the sexual soul to life. In the artwork, both man and woman are represented as streams of energy merging together. The male’s energy enters the woman, and flows through her body to the crown of her head. The woman’s energy flows out from the crown of her head into the crown of the man’s head, thereby resulting in a never-ending circular stream of energy between both people.

The sexual soul’s purpose is to keep us alive and vibrant. Honestly, though, the struggle to make peace with this sacred part of our humanity gets short shrift. There are men and women who have suffered deep scars and wounds from sexual abuse and degradation in their formative years. Responsible adults took advantage of them, making these precious young souls their sexual playmates. I use the term “playmate” carefully because the harm that comes from this abusive way of life sends the sexual soul reeling for its own true path. People can get caught up in abusing their sexuality through daily use of prostitutes, pornography or even cutting themselves from the shame, guilt and fear that haunt them.

It is clear to me that some people find using prostitutes and pornography in their sexual lives as no big deal. So be it. Moralists definitely have trouble reconciling anything like this concept within them. Sometimes, it is the moralist who finds themselves engaged in these activities under the shadows of the night.

What does healing from this behavior look like? Certainly, there must be a better way than to cut off all sexuality from a person’s life. Look friends, while monks and nuns take vows of celibacy for their religious orders, it is hard to believe they don’t have sexual energy within them. They are living, breathing human beings. Therefore, they must have this vital source of life flowing through them, too. Of course, you can definitely make the case that this is not so and say that I’m reaching for some nebulous idea that makes no sense. That’s fine. Just remember, though, that the same energy that flows through you flows through me. It can be at different levels because of lifestyle, environment, false beliefs, true beliefs, etc. But I cannot deny the fact that I have a sexual soul. You do, too.

Writing about this subject matter for me is quite challenging. I have to dig deep within my own sexual soul to come up with words. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I have a desire for a healthy, loving, intimate, sexual relationship with a woman. Yes, I know there are men and women who will read this and are my LGBT brothers and sisters. I’d want the same thing for you, too. One theory bandied about among people looking for a more intimate path involves developing this type of connection through acts of service. From being involved with causes that matter to you personally or giving time to charitable organizations and groups, among many other types of service, it gets a man or woman out of their own inner struggle (if there is one) and allows a soul to mend. This can bring a lot of fulfillment and gratitude to an individual while he or she seeks nurture and security.

The sexual soul, again, is a vital part of life. It is the life force that helps bring human beings to life. Doesn’t it make a little sense to take time and really grasp what may cause you from enjoying this aspect of life? It would take another column for me to explain all the ups, downs and circles involving my own sexual soul over my lifetime. There have been relatively few healthy sexual experiences. I’ve delved into, for me, some of the darkest areas around sex that no person should be left to explore by themselves. The atypical “dark-room-and-socks” experience has typified my sexuality for far too long.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to move from this place into a spot where I can deeply appreciate my own sexual energy. I don’t waste it on experiences that deplete this source of love and intimacy. My sexual soul is active and vibrant, despite not having a girlfriend in my life right now. Opening myself up to new ways of intimacy is not easy. It’s scary and frightening, yet I’d rather take this path now than continuing on an internal mission of soulful destruction.

As much as my own sexual soul deserves attention, so does yours. I am definitely not the final answer when it comes to human sexuality, and for that you can be grateful. However it looks and whatever form or destination awaits you, I highly recommend giving your own sexual soul the love, attention, nurturing and grace that it so deserves. You will be a better person for doing so, and the world will bow at your feet.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Eastern VS. Western Sex

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

Sex beyond with Tantra

Tantra is one of the oldest known arts of sacred sexuality practiced today. Although Tantra has long been practiced in many eastern cultures, it’s just beginning to flourish in the United States. Born in India more than 6,000 years ago, Tantra emerged as a rebellion against organized religion, which held that sexuality should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment. Tantra challenged the acetic beliefs of that time, purporting that sexuality was a doorway to the divine, and that earthly pleasures, such as eating, dancing and creative expression were sacred acts.

The essence of Tantra lies in the ability to transform sexual energy into a spiritual journey into nirvana, bridging the gap between spirituality and sexuality thus awakening to full enlightenment and awareness. Tantra is a “practical” spiritual path and is practiced in sacredness. Since Tantra is practiced as a spiritual ritual, as with all forms of spiritual worship, there is an acknowledging and honoring of a divine presence or being. In the case of Tantra, this is reflected by acknowledging and honoring the divine presence of God in your partner and each other throughout the realm of the senses.

From the beginning, Tantric teachings passed from one generation to the next in the unwritten form of the rituals themselves, then later through writings known simply as “Tantras.” The Tantras were written in Sanskrit (ancient Hindu) and are composed of dialogues between the Hindu god Shiva and the Hindu goddess Shakti. Tantra means to expand, join or weave Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy between lovers. This joining of the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god, Shiva), and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess, Shakti), incorporates them into a harmonious unit of one in which they reach the essence of their core identity through a variety of rituals in the mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual dimensions of wellness.

The weaving of the Tantric energy is based on the balance of the Chakras (energy wheels). According to Tantric beliefs, there are seven chakras which align the center of the body. When in proper balance, the chakras allow us to understand the relationship between our highest consciousness and physical being. Tantra focuses specifically on using the chakras to direct Kundalini (sexual) energy between Yin & Yang within the six essential elements of Tantra: Breath, Movement, Muscle Lock, Sound, Intention and Attention. When a deep interconnection is established throughout all of the six essential elements, the perceived space between yin and yang becomes filled with the light of Spirit. This spiritual presence activates energy between the two, joining them as one.

Tantric sex versus westernized sex

Tantra is different from western ideas about sex. In the West, we sometimes view sex as a source of recreation rather than a means of transformation. The goal may be to reach orgasm rather than to please our lover or connect with him or her more fully. Another key distinction between westernized views of sex and tantric sex is that the western sexual script has a clear beginning (sexual excitement), middle (penetration), and end (orgasm). Sex is seen as goal oriented, with orgasm being the end result and any adaptation from this script seen as wrong.

Tantric sex is not result or goal oriented, but rather, timeless and unstructured. In Tantric sex the point of sex is not orgasm, rather to experience the sensations and pleasures associated with intimate connection with a partner. There is no clear cut beginning, middle, or end. Most of the exercises related to Tantric sex involve slowing things down, trying not to focus on our external body, or orgasm, or anything outside of our experience in the moment. Without a focus on orgasm, sex becomes more about exchanging pleasures, awakening the senses and allowing couples to communicate on deep physical and emotional levels. During this time, lovers are able to establish an intimate connection that can be maintained and heightened as they transition into the sexual dimension.

Another major difference between the westernized way of sex and Tantric sex is the emphasis of breathing and slowing down sexual behavior compared to the hectic, orgasm-focused westernized approach. In the art of Tantra there are a variety of individual and partnered activities that are designed to focus on breathing and meditation. The activities and exercises help to bring attention, focus and intention into the moment, which allows for greater pleasure and sensation during the experience. In addition, breathing directs energy, frees emotions, and increases stamina and orgasmic intensity, as oxygen is dispersed throughout the muscles and bloodstream.

Tantra can be a very breathtaking journey — literally and figuratively — especially when practiced with a partner who is open to transcending into a spiritual journey while experiencing sexual ecstasy. The benefits of Tantric sex are endless, including the ability to delay orgasm, heal past emotional wounds, deepen connection with a partner, rejuvenate your health, and experience ecstatic sexual states. Practicing Tantra will increase intimacy, energy of attraction, communication, and spirituality, ultimately enhancing the richness of the relationship. Through its rituals, Tantra teaches ways to carry this intense focus of concentration into all areas of life. The rituals make it possible to enjoy not only sex but increase happiness in all other dimensions in our lives.

Tantric sex extends far beyond the bedroom by helping partners open fully to each other in trust and love through all facets of their relationship, creating a space for spiritual growth and personal awareness. As you learn to open to yourself to the path of love, you naturally open up to others around you. You begin to understand that surrender does not mean submission or loss of self, but rather a loving expansion to something that is much greater than you are. The practice of Tantra shows us how to reclaim the sexual intimacy that is our inherent birthright. Through this most ancient art, we discover new joys of the erotic pleasure and expand our moments of sexual ecstasy into a lifetime of happiness and bliss. The real essence of Tantra cannot be captured in oral or in written words. To truly understand Tantra, you have to experience it!

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Using PMS to Create More Intimacy for You

by Gina Cloudin Mind

Ladies, what if I told you that by learning what PMS really is, that you could use it as a tool to improve the quality of your life and your relationships?

Guys, what if I told you that PMS, through my lens, will create more intimacy and improve the quality of your relationships with all the women in your life?

Well, ladies and gents, that’s what I’m going to attempt to share with you in this post.

First of all, let’s take a look at what PMS REALLY is.  To do that I have to explain to you that in my world and the work that I do, I love to redefine negative concepts and language, imbuing them with positivity.  Life after all is all about perspective.

We tend to believe what we’ve been told growing up by the adults in our life, as well as buying into all the media messages we are bombarded with constantly.

What I do and what I’m asking you to do is THINK FOR YOURSELF.  Reframe things outside the box so that they empower you, rather than victimize you.

PMS, as I have redefined it, stands for Powerful Monthly Sight.  Ladies, open your minds.  You guys, too.

Ladies first.  Each month, beyond our hormonal changes, we have emotional shifts that happen.  I am a firm believer that this aspect has not been examined nearly closely enough in all the “research” that’s been done on our menstrual cycle, yet every woman knows what I’m talking about when I say this.

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The Worst Relationship Betrayal… Not What You Think

by zfortadminin Mind

3 patterns that form a slow, steady drip of betrayal that might signal the end more surely than another lover.

Pretty much everyone who is in a committed relationship agrees that if they found out their partner had sex, even once, with someone else it would be a challenge to move past it and stay together. That’s the big one-event shake up that most people assume is the beginning of the end if not the mile marker for the end itself.

Everyone needs to withdraw and unplug but don’t retreat in order to get even. Hurting someone emotionally always leaves a mark.

While both of us would be nonplussed if the other had an affair or one-night-stand, there are three patterns that we’ve even fallen prey to that we know could be (almost) silent killers for us and probably any other couple.

Withholding Attention

You’ve heard about “ghosting” right? Pretty extreme and most people wouldn’t dream of doing it to the love of their life, and most of us would notice pretty quickly if we were being ghosted.

But there are so many ways of withholding attention that aren’t even intentional. Preoccupation – you know, like with your phone, or the television (we don’t have one of those, but the internet is a close runner up.) Or maybe just preoccupation with your own thoughts – we’re both prone to getting lost in our heads, in the clouds, or in time. Or shutting down – crawling into the shell of self to process, to stew, to ponder, or just to hang out and relax.

Even if it’s not intended to hurt, when you withhold your attention from your partner, your lover, that person who is in your life because they get off on being with you, you’re committing a “micro-aggression” toward that thing that keeps you together.

And if you are withholding attention as a way to prove a point, or strike back, stop that right now. Everyone needs to withdraw and unplug but don’t retreat in order to get even. Hurting someone emotionally always leaves a mark.

Withholding Trust

Everyone brings past relationships into the current dynamic. Whether those relationships were with spouses, lovers, friends, siblings, parents, authority figures, or the Grinch next door, they create patterns of trust, and lack of it.

Deciding to withhold trust is one of the deepest betrayals you can inflict on a partner.

None of those patterns are about your partner, but they certainly affect your partner. We’ve navigated land mines and dungeons of trigger wires and green-eyed monsters until we can guess when something is a “this is about me not you” kind of thing, but when either of us senses a lack of trust it can still range all the way from a minor road bump to a steep hill.

But if you’re withholding your trust for a reason, justified or not, a shifting of boundaries or treating a partner with suspicion is always going to result in tension. Deciding to withhold trust is one of the deepest betrayals you can inflict on a partner. It puts up a wall, and reflects their worst traits back at them. No relationship, however loving, can survive that for very long.

Withholding Intimacy

Intimacy isn’t going through the motions. And it isn’t (always) a romantic performance or expectation. Intimacy is meeting on the same, shared plane of experience. On purpose.

Physical intimacy is important to a romantic partnership. Actually, for us anyway, it’s vital. It’s not just about sex, that’s only one of many ways we physically demonstrate our love for each other. But there is nothing wrong with saying that sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of our physical intimacy.  But emotional intimacy is even more important. Without that the physical or sexual intimacy is just “off.” We’re not really in it together if there is an emotional barrier between us.

… if either of us ever withheld intimacy … or if we ever displaced that intimacy usually reserved for each other onto another person, it’s likely that we would cause wounds that would take a long time to heal …

It’s perfectly natural that there are times one or both of us will just need to be left alone. For one thing, we’re both introverts (highly social, but definitely introverts.) For another thing, we’re human. So it’s going to happen.

But if either of us ever withheld intimacy — of any kind — not from our own need for personal time and space, but as a tactic or punishment, or if we ever displaced that intimacy usually reserved for each other onto another person, it’s likely that we would cause wounds that would take a long time to heal – if they ever did. We both have intimate friends, but those friends never come first for either us. First is always reserved just for each other.

◊♦◊

None of these patterns are the instant end game that a sexual fling might be, but they are all slow, steady drips of betrayal that eventually erode even the strongest relationship.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

How to Approach Mind, Body, Sex for Women

by zfortadminin Mind, Sex

“Tantra refers to this step [of re-directing sexual energy through relaxation instead of tension] as placing a foot on the first step of the ladder of growth.” Richardson

Why does it usually seem that our spiritual practices are so separate from our sexual behavior? In the interest of body-mind integration, BoBuReview checks out a non-Buddhist book on sexual tantra, or tantra yoga, to see if and/or where there are any lines of convergence between our upper and lower charkas.

TantraIf we follow Buddhism’s middle way, we know the wisdom of avoiding extremes. Over-indulgence in sex will not help us on the path to realization. But neither will pretending we don’t have bodies, or trying to repress/deny/ignore our sexuality. We need to work intelligently with our vital energy – thigles, in Tibetan – otherwise practice can become dry, dull, or overly intellectual. And to be frank, most of us could use some sexual healing.

For practitioners especially, the more we understand our sexuality, the more likely we are to channel it into spiritually-productive pathways. As author Diana Richardson says, “As prevalent as sex is, it is a rare person who has discovered a way to derive full satisfaction or a loving heart from its practice.” Ms. Richardson is rather like a tantric goddess who has come to give us some much-needed sexual instruction, but from a spiritual perspective.

Diana Richardson is dynamically unembarrassed about sex, as well as learned in healthy ways of using it to open our hearts and enhance awareness. She describes the ascending and descending phases of sexual energy; the spiritual path emphasizes the former, while the biological emphasizes the latter.

“Tantra refers to this step [of re-directing sexual energy through relaxation instead of tension] as placing a foot on the first step of the ladder of growth.” Richardson claims that our tendency of “goal-orientation,” making sex into another item on our already-full To Do list, results in haste, which “effectively and seriously” represses our sexual energy. In this regard, Richardson’s book is a stand-in for a sex therapist who would first remind us to reclaim our sexuality before we can use tantra to transform it. “We only know how to ‘do’ in love, and not how to ‘be’ in love.”

Richardson gives many specific practices to counteract our cultural uncomfortability with sex. “In the Western world . . . we keep busy to avoid facing the insecurities or anxieties we may feel about love and intimacy.” Even more relevant may be her insight that sexual tension “lives on as frustrated desire [lung, in Tibetan], that accumulates with time and is continually seeking release.” (And, needless to say, ends up being a destructive force in our lives if left unhealed.)

Yet, when we “validate sexuality by incorporating consciousness . . . we discover sex to be a [natural] healing spiritual force.” Contrary to ordinary sexual attraction, which tends to decrease over time, Richardson states that with tantra, “attraction increases [as] the sexual experience gets finer and finer.”

One of the more surprising statements she makes, based on years of study, practice, and counseling her own clients, is that Tantra’s “positive poles of love” are the male organ and the female breasts. “These two polarities must be drawn into love-making in order to avoid great dissatisfaction in sex.”

Diana Richardson claims that real female kundalini energy “lies not at the spinal base . . . but in the breasts.” She elaborates on her findings in a thought-provoking section on generating sexual energy through polarity. “Making love in this way, utilizing polarity, begins the process of establishing a powerful energy field between and within two bodies. Bio-electricity flowing within the magnetic field follows a spiral path . . . the kundalini energy, located at the base of the male spine.”

“The Heart of Tantric Sex” makes it clear that when the breasts (and thus the heart) of a woman “are fully resonant, this snake [of kundalini energy] will implode, gracefully unwinding and giving way within.” Which might result in what many people are looking for with coitus, i.e., the best sex ever.

Improved gender relations involve a return to true masculine-feminine polarity, not as dominant-submissive, but as attractive opposite forces that complement each other. “Falling into balance through this intrinsic polarity creates harmony, understanding, respect, and mutual appreciation.”

For those on the path who are in loving relationships, the art of sexual tantra (as opposed to deity practice) is the “union of sex and meditation . . . awareness transforms sex into love.” While I’m not sure there is such a thing as easy sex magic, Richardson writes like a tantric dakini who wants us to share in the joys of sacred sex.

“Tantra roots the consciousness in the body and uses it as a constant reference point, enabling us to stay increasingly in the present moment . . . Indeed [since] the body is the only thing that exists in the present moment, learning to live through the body increases our chances of overall happiness.”

Even though everyone presumably enjoys orgasm, if not multiple orgasms, obviously tantric love-making isn’t for everyone. It requires that we take the time to be still and drop our agendas and allow our emotions, tears as well as laughter, to come to the surface. All of which can be very unsettling for the ego – and precisely why it can be good for spiritual practice.

As an expert in tantra techniques, Richardson is an unapologetic crusader for a return to “a sense of uncontrived aliveness in the body, which is as essential to the act of meditation as it is to making love.”

She outlines a series of exercises, including tantric massage, to enhance this aliveness, from using our breathing as a bridge between mind/thinking and body/feeling, to deep, open-eyed gazing between partners to increase emotional connection, to communicating how we’re feeling in the present moment, including during the act of sex.

“The more the mask of the personality is challenged and dissolved, the deeper the experience of Tantric union.”

If we can question our sexual conditioning and reframe sex as a support for our spiritual practice, incorporating some of Richardson’s tantric lovemaking ideas, we may be able to transform ordinary desire into a rare and delightful fuel on the path to awakening for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article